Lodestar Quarterly

Lodestar Quarterly
Figure reaching for a star Issue 1 • Spring 2002 • Poetry

Fag Hag Gone Bad

Thea Hillman

instead of beautiful, dysfunctional intimacy-challenged dykes        I have fallen for two fags        who are        indeed        already in love        with each other

I am kissing you already        even though you've just been conceived

fag hag gone bad        I go to the gym and watch the gay boys        watch each other         I want to frequent tea rooms        feel cold tiles against my knees        experience the well-spent backroom ejaculation        smell stale piss        I want to feel right at home at My Place        I tell Paul I want to be a rest stop whore        he laughs at me and says he can't quite picture me driving up in a Jetta        does he think I'm joking        I jog past Buena Vista park        wondering what side of the street is best for getting a view of        flash of        white T-shirt above the bushes        Lands' End        I get lost in those thorny twisted trees

in love with impossibility        I will call you the beginning        more what I make you than what you really are        that's when I love you the most        when you are more me than you        if I really loved beginnings        I'd call this really early        morning February 19        instead of very late eighteen

I want a little dog on a leash        stroll the Castro        spend way too much on clothes        sport ever-perfect hair        my hard body a symbol        of the constant possibility of arousal        sick of the butch-femme prison        I want to meet        myself        and fuck        fuck up        be fucked up        head to head        hard-on to hard-on        think I'm joking        

come be the impossible with me

Thea Hillman is the author of the critically acclaimed Depending on the Light (Manic D Press). A San Francisco poetry slam champion with an MFA in Creative Writing, Thea has performed her work at festivals, bookstores, and reading series across the country. Her writing has appeared in the San Francisco Bay Guardian, Berkeley Review of Fiction, On Our Backs, and Noirotica 1 and 3. She performed a birdcall on The Tonight Show; appeared on the cover of the Oakland, California phone book; but is most proud of her tag-team haiku championship title. Visit www.theahillman.com for more information.

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