Lodestar Quarterly

Issue 8 • Winter 2003 • Drama

Meaningless

Peter Sinn Nachtrieb

Act 2

Community Service

Lights shift to club lights, disco moving stuff, house music thumps. The song should sound like it's having some sort of intro or something before it gets to the big main beat of the song. Because when that main beat hits, TED jumps out, facing the audience and engages in a wacky, trying to be cool, drunken, dance number. This should be choreographed. At one point the ENSEMBLE joins him in a little triangle of coordinated dance moves. A GUY walks by. TED sees him and starts to grind his way towards him. He grinds his way in a very bizarre, awkward, not too sensual way. GUY backs off. TED sort of chases him about until GUY runs off stage. TED shrugs, then heads to the center. Another guy, BRUCE, walks by. TED tries to attract him over with more of his bizarre "grinding." BRUCE seems interested and starts to dance with him for a bit. TED increases his bizarre dancing technique.

TED
Hi.

BRUCE
What?

TED
I said "Hi."

BRUCE
I said "What."

TED
Oh. I thought you couldn't hear what I said.

BRUCE
No. The "what" was more in the spirit of "What do you want?"

TED
What do I want?

BRUCE
What are you looking for? Boyfriend? Anonymous sex? Just a friend? Top? Bottom? Group Scene? Fisting? Someone to piss all over your head?

TED
Oh. Uh. Well. I don't know. Definitely not the head and urination one... That's just not my... I didn't even know it was anybody's... What were the other choices again?

BRUCE
You like smooth or hairy guys?

TED
Well I usually like everyone until they do something mean... Oh, you mean sexually. Like hair on their chests and stuff?

BRUCE
Yeah.

TED
Oh, uh, either way, I guess. I've only really been with one guy, I mean, one whole big group of similarly haired guys, a really large group... hundreds... thousands of guys with all the same hair type, and they had some hair, but I think that'd be cool if there wasn't hair, too. Like totally no hair?

BRUCE
I have no hair on my body whatsoever. It's all been removed by laser.

TED
Oh, wow. Really?

BRUCE
You get a much more unfiltered view of my expertly crafted and surgically enhanced pectoral muscles, as well as my manufactured tan.

TED
Cool.

BRUCE
No pubic hair, either. Save the flossing for later.

TED.
Oh! Wow.

BRUCE
My body is a smooth canvas. A canvas for you to make artwork with your semen. A Jackson Pollock cum painting is ready to be splattered all over my body. Now, how big is your brush?

TED
My brush, I don't really paint or anything... Ohhhhhh. That. Ha ha. Yeah. That's, um, well that's like its a pretty good size like 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...

BRUCE
How thick?

TED
How thick is... my OH... oh... um.. I don't know really, but it's definitely thicker than my finger. Or two fingers, depending on the finger maybe... yeah... My wrist... no hold on...

BRUCE grabs TED's crotch.

TED
What are you doing?

BRUCE
I'm grabbing your crotch.

TED
My God.

BRUCE lifts up TED's shirt.

TED
Ahh! What are you doing?

BRUCE
Pec and ab check. Yikes.

TED
This is mildly humiliating.

BRUCE
It's not going to work out.

TED
What?

BRUCE
Yeah. I have several criteria for having sex with men: 8x6 inch cock minimum, visible abdominal muscles, and pecs you can actually say exist in the real world. You meet none of these criteria. Nothing personal. All the best in your life.

The music rises, he dances away, other dancers come in. TED starts to dance ridiculously once again. The GUY returns. BRUCE sees the GUY, the GUY all of a sudden whips out rave flags, and they start to grind each other ridiculously. Club lights and music start to fade, leaving just a spot on TED.

TED
Whoo! Party is goin' on! Party party... Oh, I'm outside not at the party anymore. No, the Ted party is over now, and its a little cold, and I'm just wearing a t-shirt. Oh boy, I'm a little bit spinning right now, I can't see straight, and wow I need a gym membership stat. I've never been able to count so many muscles. How do they get those? Do they have jobs?

And maybe I should get one of those pumps that makes your thing, you know, a bigger thing. It used to be fine. Maybe its fine. Do you want to see it? Because maybe you guys could all make me feel better about it... OK, I'm drunk, and I'm depressed, but I can still perceive signals from the stage manager that I should not lower my pants during this production, so I guess you are all going to have to see it after the show! That is, only if you're a subscriber.

He starts laughing uproariously.

Oh, life sucks. Life is a big pecan pie that falls onto the floor just before you can get your fork in it. Life is just so...

A CRUISER walks on upstage. Leans his back against the wall. He's wearing a baseball cap which covers his head.

TED
Oh, hello.

The CRUISER taps his foot on the wall.

TED
Oh. You're a dancer. Oh look, everyone, I'm being followed by a dancer.

The CRUISER touches his crotch.

TED
You're a very naughty dancer, my God. Very Michael Smuin, I like it. Wow, this is exciting, I feel like I'm getting my very own private recital. It's not often that...

TED gasps. He walks up and speaks in confidence to the audience.

TED
Oh my god, this is...this is a man looking for sex! A street cruiser! A man walking the dark streets looking for other pieces of meat for hard-core marination. There's a whole history to this. Because of years of oppression, men were forced to walk the streets of cities to find sex in secret, only able to communicate through secret hand signals. And hankies. Scary. Who is this guy? What does he want from me? Does he just want to run in the woods? How will I please him? I am so turned on right now. I'm goin' in, I'm gonna make this happen. Tonight I will become a true gay man!

TED pops back into the scene and saunters up to the CRUISER.

TED
So you want to just steal my wallet now, or play "put the tofu pup in the hot, moist toaster oven" first?

The CRUISER lifts his face. It's JAN! Or is it just someone who looks exactly like him?

TED
AHHHHHHHHHHH!

The CRUISER, startled, screams like a girl, then runs away.

TED
Jan! No, wait, come back! Come back, Jaaaaan! Oh my god, that was him! There's no doubt in my mind that was him! No, it couldn't have been him. My mind is playing games. No wonder absinthe is illegal!

He starts hitting his head.

Damn you, mind! Damn you!

The lights crossfade to a special on LINDA.

LINDA
Several weeks passed since Ted became a born-again homo, and finally ventured into the gay community. His eyes became a little wider. He twitched more. He started wearing track pants. He refused to eat dairy because he worried his skin would blemish. He wasn't getting any. But that was just the beginning of the fall.

We crossfade to LINDA and KETEL in the apartment. We hear the clacking of the keyboard coming from the other room.

LINDA
He's been in there for hours.

KETEL
And all you hear is the keyboard clacking.

LINDA
That and weird guttural whoops and chuckles.

TED lets out guttural whoop and chuckle.

KETEL
Is he writing a novel?

LINDA
He's not a writer.

KETEL
Is he obsessive compulsive? Is he just writing the same sentence over and over again?

LINDA
"All work and no sex make Ted a very difficult man to live with?"

KETEL
Something like that.

LINDA
What weirds me out the most are the occasional sentences. Like he's talking to someone.

TED
(offstage) Ha! Oh Ha! You are a funny man. What do you look like?

KETEL
Who's he talking to?

LINDA
I don't know. Am I going to have to do an intervention with him?

KETEL
I don't understand your friendship.

TED
(offstage) Oh my God! Oh take that, you vixen! I'll see you there tonight. I'll see you there, you maker of the love sweat, you.

LINDA
Well there's a lot of history there, I mean we go way back. We're best friends.

KETEL
I know. I just don't understand why that is. Every story you tell me about him sounds like it came out of a narcissism fan 'zine.

LINDA
Yeah he can be like that. He's been a lot like that actually.

KETEL
So why do you deal with it? Do you like being friends with selfish gay men?

LINDA
Hey, watch it. He can be a real sweetheart, and fun.

KETEL
And when was the last time he was like that?

LINDA
Senior year in college, but he's just going through a difficult period. I know he's annoying, he'll get better. He always does, I think. I can't just hate him. He's my soul mate in a way.

KETEL
He is?

LINDA
Well, I mean, totally different from you, we just communicate on this higher level. I mean you're great, and...

KETEL
I'm "great," but he's your soul mate? Has he tossed so much of his shit in your face that you're totally blind?

LINDA
That's not nice.

KETEL
That's the truth.

LINDA
Are you not enjoying this anymore?

KETEL
No, I'm having a ball being hissed at by your "friend." I love how he calls me "Mrs. ButterThighs." I love how he demands all your attention, sits on the toilet for hours, talks constantly about his lack of love life, and completely ignores your life. But, fine, stick with your "soul mate." I know I can't live up to the high standard that is The Ted. Go back to being in love with your gay man. Deep down, you're just a fag hag. I'm just a mild extension to your four-year queer syndrome.

LINDA
You think I'm just experimenting with you, Ketel? How dare you...

KETEL
Who always wants me to wear the dildo? That's all I'm saying.

LINDA
Oh. I'm sorry. I thought you didn't like me wearing the dildo.

KETEL
I don't like most of the things you do in bed, OK? Sex with you is like fucking a Tickle-Me-Elmo. Do you ever not want to cuddle and just screw?

LINDA
Oh well, thank you very much! Thank you very fucking much, Miss "lick my clit, now put your hand on my tit" drill sergeant of the bedroom! You're so cold in bed, I'm surprised an Eskimo hasn't gone ice fishing in your twat.

KETEL
Hey, being cold and dispassionate turns me on!

TED emerges.

TED
I have a date!

LINDA
Oh, Christ.

TED
He's charming, he's funny and oh my God, he's beautiful.

LINDA
Ted, we're in the middle of...

TED
I'm meeting him for coffee in an hour! Oh, hug me, Linda, I must be dreaming.

LINDA
Ted, if you don't get out of here soon, Ketel here will probably throw one of her sharp teeth into your neck and try to bleed you.

KETEL
Are you bringing up my tooth problem? You cunt.

TED
Ha! You two are so funny when you fight. Meow meow. So anyway, I met him in a chat room. San Francisco M4M chat room. Oh, it was so exciting! My sex fast will soon come to an end!

LINDA
Ted!

TED
Because, of course as we all know, "having coffee" in the gay male community is common code for meeting someone for Saucy Shabbat Shabootie. It's just a light screening procedure to make sure your sex partner is not a violent Southern Baptist, 12 years old, or fat.

LINDA
Ted!

TED
What?

LINDA
Will you please fuck off?

TED
Oh, that really hurts, Linda. Are you having your period?

LINDA
That's it!

She goes to throw something at him. As she picks something up, TED leaves triumphantly.

TED
Buh Bye! I'll tell you all the details when I get back!

LINDA looks at the audience.

LINDA
Do I even need to tell you how that ended up?

KETEL
Who are you talking to? Are you crazy?

LINDA
Um, hello, the audience, this is a play.

KETEL
This reads way more like a sitcom than a play. Now David Mamet, he's a writer.

LINDA
Oh, up yours, Ketel. It's over. You know what? I never even liked vodka in the first place.

KETEL gasps.

Crossfade to a cafe where TED sits eagerly at a cafe table. RON enters, he looks very different from his online picture.

RON
Lance? You're Lance, right?

TED
Yes. I'm "Lance." Yes, and you're not... no you can't be..

RON
NoeValleySexParty, yeah, it's me. Now you can call me Ron.

TED
OK. What if I want to call you the other name, would that be OK? Like at a party? "Have you met my new friend, NoeValleySexParty?" "NoeValleySexParty, could you please refill my sangria?" That'd be pretty funny.

RON
No, it wouldn't. I wouldn't appreciate that.

TED
OK. That's fine. I'll just call you Ron. So, Ron, it's nice to meet you.

RON
Nice to meet you, too.

TED
Gosh. I have to say you look quite a bit different from your picture.

RON
Yeah, I know, it throws people for a loop sometimes.

TED
Oh. Yeah. A lot of people tell you that?

RON
Yeah. That picture doesn't really look like me at all in many ways.

TED
Yeah, I mean the picture makes you look like you're 24 and now you look like you're like, what, thir... four... fif...

RON
Well, of course, it's not me.

TED
It's not?

RON
Oh, no. I just grabbed it from some porn site on the net. I think he's Czech or something.

TED
Oh. Hmm. But you told me that picture was you...

RON
Well I like to think that it's me, you know? And in many ways it really is me, my essence. That kid in the pic; his spirit, his joie de vivre, his torso, is something I really identify with. It says something about me, my goals, who I visualize myself to be. So, in that way, that erotic nude picture is a better representation of who I am than what you see when you see the real me. It's my soul.

TED
That's fascinating.

RON
My soul is really deep. I've got so much to explore and share with you. I really like to dig down deep.

TED
Whoa?! That better not be a double entendre.

RON
No, I'm being serious. You make a lot of jokes. Why do you think I'm not being serious? Is it because I'm a gay man? You can't take a gay man seriously?

TED
No, I can. I'm gay, too.

RON
But your internalized homophobia is coming through. I bet you anytime another man shares anything intimate with you, you try and make a joke out of it. As though intimacy between two men is a joke, a big sissy joke.

TED
Actually, I have no problem at all with being...

RON
I am not a sissy! A bottom, yes, sissy, no. I am not some walking, pansy, lispy, stereotype to you, so you shut it. You don't even know what living is yet, how old are you, 15?

TED
24

RON
Same difference, except for that damn law. My point is, I've lived. I live for every moment of life and seize it. I love to seize, to feel, to sing, to breathe. I want to find that someone I can share that joy with, a life partner, a lover, my deepest buddy. I want to share intimate things with you: My fears, my dreams. Can you be that man? Can you be that sweet tender confidant? Can you be that? Do you dare?

TED
Well I don't know about that...

RON
But enough about me. You're hot.

TED
Oh. Thanks.

RON
I could just munch you up right here at the cafe. Like the tastiest, sexiest biscotti I've ever eaten. I really like to dip my biscotti, if you know what I'm saying.

TED
I unfortunately think I know what you're saying.

RON
I am feeling it. I am feeling it a lot. Do you feel it? Mmm yeah, rimming, yeah! I'm getting a mocha? Can I buy you an espresso drink, you naughty lad?

TED
Oh. I dunno... I think I really need to...

RON
One double naughty latte coming up for the naughtiest guy in the cafe. I'll be back faster than you can say inner sphincter.

RON walks off.

TED
Inner sphincter. Liar. OK. There are two doors. I just need to run out the back door. Now. NOW! Go Ted! Get the hell out of here, Ted, stat! Oh shit, he's coming back.

RON re-enters.

RON
Mocha for me, and latte for you. Happy Anniversary.

TED
Excuse me?

RON
Well, if you count the time we chatted as our first date, we've been going out for a whole day.

TED
Has anyone every told you that you might get attached to someone a little too fast?

RON
Find an opportunity, and seize it -- that's my motto. Life doesn't sleep, time moves on, people move by, the wind blows through my khakis, my dick gets hard, let's make love.

TED
Well, it's creeping me out.

RON
No. It's not anything I'm doing that's creeping you out. It's your own personal fear. It's your fear of intimacy, your self-hatred, your internalized..

TED
No, it's you. I'm really sorry, but its YOU that creeps me out. I have to go home now.

RON
If that's the way you want to be.

TED
I'm sorry I mistook your picture to be a literal photograph of you and not the conceptual mission statement you intended it to be.

RON
I'm seeing someone else anyway.

TED
Great.

RON
And he's hot.

TED
Goodbye.

TED exits.

RON
Did I mention I have money? Did I mention that I have my own really large place. My own really large, empty, place? My own...

He gives up. His guard drops and we see someone defeated for a moment. He lifts up his drink to his mouth and sips as he stares at the latte before him, full and not to be drunk. He sees the audience.

RON
Anyone up for a mocha?

Next Page:   Act , Rock (Party) Bottom   (page 7 of 8 pages)

All Pages:   See the entire play on one page

Table of Contents:   Meaningless

Peter Nachtrieb is a San Francisco Bay Area-based playwright, actor, and director. His solo show The Amorphous Blob, which he wrote and performed, was seen at San Francisco's Venue 9 in 1997 and at the Seattle Fringe Festival in 1998. His short play, Self Help, received the 2000 Emerging Playwright Award from Playground Theater Company in San Francisco. He is a frequent sketch comedy writer for the very popular San Francisco performance group Killing My Lobster. He has written two one-act plays, Thread and Multiplex. Meaningless his first full-length play.

Go To: Issue 8 or Lodestar Quarterly home page