Lodestar Quarterly

Lodestar Quarterly
Figure reaching for a star Issue 8 • Winter 2003 • Drama

Meaningless

Peter Sinn Nachtrieb

Characters

TED
The protagonist

LINDA
Ted's best friend

The actress playing Linda also plays one of the
GUYS AT THE BAR

KETEL ONE
Linda's girlfriend

The actress playing Ketel One also plays:
BOOFIE - a human resources professional
BRUCE - a no-nonsense bar man
and one of the GUYS AT THE BAR

JAN
Ted's college flame

The actor playing Jan also plays:
VOICE 1 - a trick
GORGEOUS GUY - a hunk
and RON - an Internet chat room disaster

Time

sometime between 1998 and 2000

Setting

San Francisco

Production Note

Abundant use of underscoring narrations and scenes with music is highly recommended.

Act 1

The Darkness

The lights are out. We hear the first few noises of heavy breathing.

VOICE 1
Ooooo.

TED
Oh, yeeah.

a period of silence

VOICE 1
Oh!

TED
You like that?

VOICE 1
Oh, yeah!

TED
You like this?

pause

VOICE 1
Not as much as the last thing.

TED
Sorry.

VOICE 1
No, it's fine. It's fine. Just can you go back to that other thing?

TED
Oh, sure.

pause

VOICE 1
Oh, God! Yes, that is, WOW!

TED
You like that?

VOICE 1
Yes! Stop asking me.

TED
Oh. Sorry.

VOICE 1
Stop apologizing.

TED
Shoot. Sorr... OK

pause

VOICE 1
Oh, man!

TED
Oh, yes!

VOICE 1
Oooohhh.

TED
Mmmmm.

a pager or cell phone goes off

TED
Is that yours?

VOICE 1
Yeah.

TED
Do you need to get that?

VOICE 1
Uhhh. Yeah, hold on...

he answers the phone

Hello? Oh, hi! Yeah, it's all good. The presentation should be all uploaded and everything. Yeah. OK. Great. Hey listen, can I call you back? I'm kind of in the middle of something. Yeah. No, he's cute, but the light's out.

he laughs

Well, I'll talk to you then. See you at home. I love you. Bye.

the phone blips off

VOICE 1
Where were we?

TED
Right here.

VOICE 1
Ohhh, yeah.

TED
Mmmmmmmm.

VOICE 1
YEAAH!

pause

VOICE 1
Hey. Do you wanna...

TED
Sure. Yeah. Definitely.

VOICE 1
Definitely!

TED
Yessssss!

VOICE 1
Ten dollars on Definite!

TED
And Definite wins the race!

pause

TED
Oh, that's right, you're only a...

VOICE 1
Yeah. That's why I'm lying here.

TED
Hold on. I just need to get a... should I use a...

VOICE 1
Yeah, get one of those.

TED
OK. Great. Yeah. OK. One sec.

We hear a tremendous fumbling and reaching for a drawer. We hear rummaging.

TED
I know there's one in here. Aha! Here's one. No, wait. That's just an individually wrapped balloon.

More rummaging, the sound of a drawer falling over.

TED
Oh, shit, did that hit you?

VOICE 1
I'm fine.

TED
OK, I got one.

VOICE 1
Cool.

TED
OK. I'm putting it on now.

VOICE 1
Cool. Hey. You got any... any uh...

TED
Oh! Yeah. I'll spread some on in a second.

VOICE 1
Excellent.

TED
OK. Um. OK, it's on now.

VOICE 1
Awesome!

TED
Yeeeeah.

VOICE 1
Mmmm.

TED
Ooooo.

VOICE 1
Awwwww.

TED
Yeeeeeah. Shit.

VOICE 1
What?

TED
It's gotten... uh... Its not as... uh... Hold on a second.

VOICE 1
OK.

TED
Can you talk dirty for second?

VOICE 1
Oh, sure. Cock! Mmmmmmmm! Look at that cock! Let me see that big cock! Oooo that's a nice cock... cock cock cock cock cock.

TED
OK! OK, we're back in business!

VOICE 1
All right!

TED
Yeeeah! Sorry.. Its a mild allergy to the latex.

VOICE 1
No problem. C'mon lets do it!

TED
OK! MMM yeah!

VOICE 1
Yes!

TED
OK. Can I just lift these up here.

VOICE 1
Yeah. I like it that way.

TED
OK.

We hear some shifting around and positioning.

TED
You need a pillow or anything?

VOICE 1
No. It's OK.

TED
Some water? You need a drink.

VOICE 1
No.

more adjusting

TED
You sure you don't want a pillow or a blanket?

VOICE 1
FUCK ME!

TED
OK! Going in! Commencing the fucking. Here I come!

Pause. We hear a few heavy breaths as though penetration has occurred.

TED
Is... is it in?

VOICE 1
No.

TED
Damn. What is it in?

We hear an annoyed cat meow then scurry away.

VOICE 1
Here. It's right here.

TED
That.

VOICE 1
Yes

TED
That's it. The thing I'm touching with my hand?

VOICE 1
YES!

TED
OK. There. OK. I'm putting it right against that there.

pause

VOICE 1
OH!

TED
It went in!

VOICE 1
YEAH.

TED
Cool!

VOICE 1
OW YES!

TED
OK. I'm going to put it in a little farther now.

VOICE 1
OK!

TED
Are you OK?

VOICE 1
FINE!

TED
OK. It's all the way in now.

VOICE 1
OH! OK!

pause

That's really all the way in?

TED
Yeah.

VOICE 1
Bummer.

pause

VOICE 1
Do you know what time it is?

TED
Umm. 8:24.

VOICE 1
Damn!

TED
What?

VOICE 1
You're not going to believe this, but... I... I'm supposed to meet a friend for a movie in about half an hour.

TED
Oh.

VOICE 1
Yeah. Shit. I'm reeealy sorry.

TED
Oh. No. It's fine. No problem.

VOICE 1
So. Uh. Yeah so its nothing personal but I'm gonna have to take off.

TED
Oh!

VOICE 1
Yeah. My friends are really important to me, so, yeah.

TED
No it's cool. It's fine. Really. Have fun. What movie are you going to see?

VOICE 1
I'm not sure. It's at the Embarcadero, I think. British film.

TED
Oh, neat.

We hear the sounds of clothes being put on.

VOICE 1
Yeah.

TED
Yeah.

VOICE 1
OK.

TED
Yeah.

VOICE 1
OK, I'm so sorry about this.

TED
You want me to turn the light on?

VOICE 1
No, that's OK. Honestly, I think you look better in my imagination than with a light on.

TED
Oh.

VOICE 1
OK. That was... uh... really nice. I had a good time.

TED
Yeah. Yeah that was... Hey do you have a number or something?

VOICE 1
Yeah, I do. But umm. I'm sorry. Oh, shoot. I don't have a pen.

TED
I've got a pen.

VOICE 1
Hey. I've got your number. So I'll just call you, OK?

TED
OK. You sure I can't just get your...

VOICE 1
OK! So... bye! Bye bye! Take care.

TED
Bye.

He leaves, and the door shuts.

TED
Bye.

A bed lamp clicks on. TED, sitting up in a bed, pretty naked, but the sheets are covering up all the good bits.

TED
I should have known it was going to end horribly when he asked if I liked baseball caps. Goddamit. What a jerk! Asshole! Bastard! God Damn Fucking Bastard Asshole... Yoga! Yoga now!

He breathes a few deep breaths through his nose.

TED
Namaste. That's a little better. I'm feeling calm. I am an OK guy. Yeah. I'm an OK guy. I am OK!

LINDA steps onstage, talks to the audience.

LINDA
Ted's not OK.

TED
I should rent a movie or something. A comedy, maybe. Something really, really funny. Like Sophie's Choice or Coal Miner's Daughter or lots and lots of alcohol. I should be drinking lots and lots of alchohol.

LINDA
Ted Smith: 25 years old, HTML programmer, gay man, boring name. Versatile, loves body contact, making out, j/o, oral and sometimes anal with the right guy.

TED
Maybe I should take some Ecstasy. I could go out and get some and dance until the sun rises. Just keep dancing until all the naked bouncing torsos become a blur, a kaleidoscope of nipples and no body hair. Oh, God damn I hate that no body hair thing! I love my chest hair. I am not gonna laser that shit off. I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of this whole fucking... everything! What's the point?! What is the point of even trying to find some happiness? What's the frikkin...

LINDA
Ted is about to give up on all hope of finding love and contentment in his life, and settle into becoming an extremely bitter and jaded individual. He's even considering moving to Portland. Oh, I'm Linda, this play's "Lesbian friend" character. I'm hoping to get a good solid B story for me in this play, but at this point all I'm doing is talking about Ted. I hope that changes soon, or I'm changing my agent.

TED
Um, Linda, can I cut in for a second?

LINDA
Oh, fine, Ted. This is my big part of the play, and you want to "cut in."

TED
It's just I couldn't help hearing what you were saying about me and --

LINDA
No. It's fine Ted! Why don't you just take over the monologue here for a bit? I have a nice, tasty, unfinished shot of wheat grass in my dressing room, and I'll just go enjoy that while you talky talk talk to the audience, which was supposed to be my job. You see this is why... I'm so out.

She exits.

TED
Sorry! Shit. Linda's my best friend. We've been B.F.F. ever since we both came out. We met at a CHLAMYDIA meeting at school. You know, the Coalition Helping Lesbians and Men Yearn and Discuss in Anonymity? We connected instantly, like we'd both found our blankies in human form. Now, we're roommates, and we have the same Internet job, too, for the leaders of the pet product revolution.

Linda's usually pretty fun and nice, but I think she's hit a bit of a rocky patch with her girlfriend, Ketel. And she's taking it out on me, which I really can't handle because I'm like really fragile right now. Seriously, be careful even touching my arms because they'll just break in half, and its because of my thin emotional state rather than a calcium deficiency. Argh! How did I get to this horrible point in my life?!

The Early Years

LINDA walks on, wiping some wheat grass from her lips.

LINDA
I think I can help answer that and, frankly, isn't that why we're all here? This is the story how Ted became so horrible. Off the stage, Ted.

TED leaves. These are tableaus formed quickly by the other actors. A baby doll in a high chair with a bizarre expression on his face, and a slightly faggy baby outfit, and the crown of a queen slides on.

LINDA
This is Ted as a little baby. Awwww. Note the slightly faggy outfit he's wearing. Note that his mother didn't buy the King's crown.

TED in the foreground trying to stuff a huge piece of cake in this mouth. TED's pinkie is slightly raised.

LINDA
Here's Ted at his fourth birthday party. Notice how Ted has cake at his party, but no friends. Notice Ted's pinkie.

TED holding a paint set, looking a bit too excited.

LINDA
Here's Ted at ten with a brand new set of paints he just received from his parents. They thought about getting him a baseball, but something about the way he threw made them think, "What about paints?"

TED between two sign-up sheets.

LINDA
Here, a 15-year-old Ted chooses to audition for Sweet Charity as opposed to being on the rugby team. It was a very difficult decision.

TED stands as someone else puts some fake acne on his cheek or forehead.

LINDA
This is Ted with acne.

A large photo of an acne-laden profile appears.

LINDA
This is a close-up of Ted's acne.

TED reads Camus.

LINDA
Here's a basic summary of the rest of Ted's high school career, on Accutane, highly depressed because of the effects of his medication.

TED touching crotch, cute boy in foreground reading Camus.

LINDA
At age 17, Ted has just realized that he might be gay.

TED looks slightly vacant at high school girl Darla Macphereson. Darla is bracey and excited.

LINDA
Five minutes later, he decides he better ask Darla Macphereson out to the prom. Here we have Ted asking Darla to the prom while simultaneously having a vivid, erotic fantasy involving the Corys.

Not sure what TED's doing for this next one.

LINDA
And finally here, Ted has resolutely decided to not to write and develop a solo performance about coming out of the closet.

JAN and TED pose wearing mortarboards, as though they are posing at a graduation party. JAN is pronounced "Yawn," so it sounds European.

LINDA
This is Ted's first boyfriend, Jan. That's right, Jan. Jan and Ted date for the last two years of college. And then, on the night of graduation...

TED and JAN pop out of their pose and join LINDA. They all hold drinks.

TED
Whooooooo!

JAN
Class of Ninety Eight!

They all kinda whoop and yelp drunkenly.

TED
Oh, man! It's so weird we're graduating. You know, I'm going to miss political correctness.

LINDA
I'm going to miss our CHLAMYDIA meetings. Especially the ones where we'd sit in a circle eating pizza and shout gay slurs at the top of our lungs so that the words would lose their hurt.

JAN
Queer! Fag! Dyke! Ass Pony!

LINDA
Ass Pony?

JAN
Perhaps that was just in New Hampshire.

TED
That's a good one.

LINDA
My friends, we must reclaim the hurtful epithet "Ass Pony" for all gay people. Never again can "Ass Pony" be used to hurt us! 1, 2, 3!

ALL THREE
Ass Pony! Ass Pony! Ass Pony!

KETEL ONE, whom we'll meet much later, walks by, gives them a weird look, walks off.

LINDA
Oh, man. My stomach is starting to turn a little bit. Ohhh. This always happens when I drink vodka.

TED
Breathe, Linda, breathe.

LINDA
That's it. I'm switching to gin. I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere, ass ponies.

She stumbles off.

TED
You're still wearing your mortarboard.

JAN
So are you.

TED
I'm maximizing the time I get to proudly stare at my tassel. I am feeling so good right now.

JAN
Yeah, I'm feeling pretty awesome too.

TED
And it's so great to be here with you. My favorite Jan. The Janster. Obi Jan Kenobi. Cray Jan. Is that a Jan of quarters in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

JAN
That makes no sense.

TED
I'm drunk. My pun ability is severely skewed. Oh God, I love you. You have made the last two years so incredible. You're incredible. I yearn for you, Jan. My Yoni for Jan. My little Cajun Shrimp 'n On Jan.

TED
And now, we're out of this school. No more papers. No more exams. No more petitions. No more!

JAN
Yep. It's all over. Speaking of which...

TED
A new beginning. Fresh life, the world yawns open, ready to take us into its throat. You and me.

JAN
Actually...

TED
Together in some exciting city: living, loving, cooking each other really elaborate meals with bizarre spices we can only get from our corner Asian market. Where shall we go Jan? New York? L.A.? Topeka?

JAN
Um, Ted.

TED
We could even have the same job. Apparently, a lot of the companies these days give out unlimited free fruit smoothies. And we could each get a different kind and share them. "Oh, look at that: Ted and Jan sharing their smoothies with each other. Such a testament to love! God damn it, Do ask, Do Tell, Do Tell Corporal!"

JAN
I want to break up.

TED
We could buy chaps and go to pride parades as leather daddies and we'll spank each other for the Hispanic news reporters...Excuse me, Jan, did you just say something really devastating?

JAN
I don't want to go out with you anymore.

TED
What?

JAN
I really enjoyed being your boyfriend and all, and it was great here at college, but now that we're graduating, I think we should move on.

TED
Does...does this have something to do with wanting to live out your squash team fantasy?

JAN
It has to do with really having enjoyed what happened in the past, like really appreciating what we had, but now I'm ready for something different. Something apart from you. Like on the other coast from you. Like whatever coast you decide to live on, I'm going to consciously live on the other one.

TED
Are..Are you not attracted to me anymore? Did I get puffy?

JAN
No, that's not it.

TED
Is there someone else? Oh my god! You've been engaging in illicit pleasure with your embryology lab partner!

JAN
I haven't cheated on you.

TED
Then what the hell is it, Jan? What's the fucking reason you just want to throw in the towel and end it now? I thought we had something here, that there was something really really...

JAN
I'm straight.

pause

TED
Pardon?

JAN
Well, at least straight/bi-ish. I'm much more attracted to women than I am to you. I mean all men. I'm more attracted to women then men.

TED
Como?

JAN
I don't know. I got to school here, and it's like so hard to be a straight, white male in college. You're so totally blamed for everything. But if I was gay, you know, I couldn't be scapegoated for date rape or anything like that. Plus, I think being in all those musicals really got me confused about myself. I was like, "All the other Jets are gay, I must be, too." And you were so nice to me during the rehearsals for Annie, and your Miss Hannigan was so incredible, and it was really nice to go out with you and you give really great... well, never mind. But, now that school's over, I really need to date some chicks now. Women. I need to date women, have babies, and just be all heterosexual. It's who I am.

TED
Quoi?

JAN
I don't speak French, Ted. You know that.

TED
The language of grief is universal.

JAN
I'm sorry, Ted. I...

pause

Shit. I have to get going. My parents. I have to fly home with them early this morning, so we can get ready for Nantucket. So. Yeah. Well, I hope we can stay in touch. And let me know which coast you're gonna live on, so I can, you know, live on the other one. OK. Goodbye.

He leans in to kiss TED, but at some point before kissing him, decides against it and awkwardly leaves. TED stares after him. LINDA re-enters.

LINDA
Ted! I think I just met the love of my life at the punch bowl. She was spiking it, and I was like "what are you spiking it with?" and she said "Ketel One," and I said, "Ohmigod, I love Ketel One! Ketel One is my favorite vodka!" And she laughed at that, and she smiled and my god, Ted, we like the same vodka! Do you realize how many premium brands of vodka there are, and we both love the same one. She's beautiful. We couldn't stop talking. She's moving to San Francisco. Hey, do you want to move to San Francisco? I could date her. Hey, we could be roommates! That would be so rad. Let's do it! What do you think?

TED
I think I'm going to go live in a cardboard box for the rest of my life.

TED wanders off in a daze.

LINDA
What? What are you talking about? Oh Ted, that's so silly. Ted?

LINDA talks to the audience.

I didn't figure out what had just happened until I saw Jan later that night at Hooter's. The next day I headed to Ted's off-campus housing.

A bunch of cardboard boxes, strewn about.

LINDA
Ted? Linda's here to soothe your fractured heart. Ted!

She searches for a bit. She stares absently at a box larger than the others. A faint noise comes from the box.

LINDA
Ted?

TED
(from inside the box) Life is meaningless.

LINDA
Oh, Ted.

TED
The future is meaningless. Graduation, Hopes, Air. It's all just... I need to take a nap.

LINDA
Ted.

TED
A nice long nap for 51 years. Hey, Linda, you could feed me in this box. I could cut a slit at the top and you could feed me thin things. Like crackers, or deli ham, or unrolled fruit rollups. I could make a little straw hole too for juice.

LINDA
Ted, come out of the box.

TED
I think it's all right in here. I still haven't figured out what to do if I need to pee again. My pants are soaked.

LINDA
That's disgusting.

TED
I don't want to drown in my pee. Ooo! A catheter. Linda could you get me a catheter so my immense depression can be hygienic?

LINDA
Ted, get out of the fucking box.

TED
(sings) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.

LINDA
Ted if you don't stop singing and get out of the box I am pulling the lid off and dragging your ass out.

TED
(sings) Nobody knows, but me.

LINDA
All right that's it. I'm goin' in.

She yanks off the lid and pulls out a somewhat limp and still a little drunk TED.

TED
No! No, papa, no! Don't put me on the train, papa! I want to stay with you and Penelope here in Lisboa, its so wonderful. Don't send me back to mother! She beats me. Noooo... There's no place like Portugal. No place like Lisboa.

LINDA
What movie are you quoting?

TED
I don't know, my brain isn't functioning properly, my life isn't functioning properly. My penis will never get hard again!

LINDA
You're still drunk.

TED
You know, Linda, Jan was the first person who showed me how sensitive the male nipple is. I had no idea... (starts to cry) No idea how much pleasure can come from a nipple! Why! Why must the nipple master leave me? Why must he hate me? (he cries more)

LINDA
Ew. You smell horrible.

TED
It's just my rotting soul, Linda. My eviscerated, rotting soul lying out on the granite to be pecked on by lots of little cute birdies. Ahhhhh! Get away you finches! Can't you see my body is poison? I am the rotting poison of human waste. Don't eat me you finches, fly away. Fly away to some island and speciate. Speciate and evolve new types of beaks and wing types that later will be discovered by a young traveling naturist. Yeah, biology major. I'm a fucking biology major. Class of 199whoooooooooo!

TED passes out. LINDA turns to the audience.

LINDA
OK. The major lesson to learn from this is that Ted is a bit of a drama queen.

TED
I am not!

LINDA
Ted, you're unconscious.

TED
Oh.

TED passes out again.

LINDA
I dragged Ted to the bathroom, threw him in the shower, and turned on the cold water.

Crossfade into a bathroom scene.

TED
Ahhhh! Ahhhhh! Cold!

TED notices LINDA taking a glance.

TED
Oh, Linda, it's because the water's cold. Don't make assumptions because my thing is really sensitive to temperature.

LINDA
I'm not even looking at that, Ted. I don't want to look at that, Ted.

TED
No, it's OK. You can look at it if you want. I'm just saying all bets are off when you're not aroused. It's not a reliable indicator.

pause

But, tell me honestly, how do you think mine stands up?

LINDA
New subject!

TED
OK, Linda. That's a good idea: Jan. Straight! He was such a nice boy. How does that happen?

LINDA
Corrupt culture. Bad upbringing. Christian fundamentalist parents.

TED
No. Not that. I'm wondering how someone cuts off his emotions that cleanly and quickly. He dumped me in less than 48 seconds and took off, no loose ends.

LINDA
Men.

TED
I feel like a starfish, clinging to a rock when some tidepooler rips me off, and half of my tubular feet are still stuck to the rock, and the life drains from my pores.

LINDA
Ted, biology metaphors for love just don't do poetic justice.

TED
Au contraire, Linda. I find echinoderms to be really moving metaphors for life.

LINDA
That makes one of you. Here's a towel.

LINDA
Are you feeling any better?

TED
No.

LINDA
Great.

TED
But thank you for trying. It's nice you're here.

LINDA
Well, what do friends do for each other?

TED
You're my only friend.

LINDA
Please.

TED
Seriously!

LINDA
We just know how to deal with each other's shit. And, God, you've helped me through so much.

TED
True. Though, I probably wouldn't have if you'd told me beforehand that your parents would bring hand weapons to your Olive Garden "coming out" dinner.

LINDA
Let's not bring that up. It's too beautiful a day to bring that up.

TED
Too beautiful... Did you score last night?

LINDA
Yeah.

TED
Oh, I knew it! With premium vodka lady?

LINDA
Yeah. I know you don't want to hear this right now, but I think I'm in love. Do you want to move to San Francisco? She's moving there. I think I'm going to move there. I'd really like it if you moved there.

TED
You know. I really need to move somewhere where I can just figure my shit out. Goof around, do nothing important or significant in my life. Maybe even find a high-paying job building virtual products that will never turn a profit because of shockingly horrendous business models.

LINDA
So, San Francisco it is.

TED
Yeah, sure. As good a place as any to be miserable. At least there I can tell people that, no, those are not tears on my face. It's fog.

Pause.

Dot of the Revolution

LINDA steps out to talk to the audience.

LINDA
I should've heard that, right then and there, and ran. But I didn't. Ted and I moved to San Francisco. Six months after arrival, we found a place, and for only 8,000 dollars a month.

Lights shift, and we are in their new apartment.

TED
Yeah, this is all right.

LINDA
Our new, pricey, faux Victorian flat.

TED
Look at that view. We can totally see all the way to the other side of the street.

LINDA
What neighborhood is this again?

TED
I don't know, I can't remember whether we're in a height, Haight, or a valley.

LINDA
(pointing out the window) Oh, look! It's an artist moving to Oakland.

TED
Oh, look at him, with his adorable posters and wheat paste.

LINDA
I've never seen a man key a Toyota Forerunner so elegantly.

TED sees a note slipped under the door.

TED
Oh, wow. Our first eviction.

LINDA
But we just moved in!

TED
Linda, you didn't give the landlord our "joke" credit report? You know the one that says we're broke and don't pay?

LINDA
You mean the real one? (to the audience) Our second place was easier to find, and not much more expensive than the first. This time we used the "not joke" credit report. The one where Ted and I are married Saudi oil billionaires. It's a decent ruse except I now have to submit my rent check while wearing a veil.

TED
Hey, Linda?

LINDA
What?

TED
If it's all right with you, and seeing that you seem to busy with an expositional monologue, I'm just going to go take a bath now and cry. Cry and stare at my total lack of sexual desire all withered up and flaccid among the bubbles. I'll be out in a few days.

TED walks off. LINDA watches him.

LINDA
(to the audience) Our water bills that year were astronomical. After we settled a bit, we found out that the time we have moved into San Francisco is some sort of boom time where this really exciting business thing is going on called the "interweb" or something like that, and that there are lots of jobs that offer great pay, cool offices, and a whole new subculture. Ted and I interviewed at one company. For better dramatic purposes, we interviewed at the same time.

BOOFIE enters. She's HR for the Internet company. Happy house music plays in the background quietly.

BOOFIE
Linda! Ted! Welcome to the new economy! Group hug! Group hug!

She gives LINDA and TED an awkward group hug.

BOOFIE
OK. This is tremendous. Let's all have a seat and chatsy chatsy. Can I get you anything from our fully stocked sub-zero fridge? Iced tea, energy drink, Odwalla, herbal supplement, ham sandwich, hormone-free milk, stew, focaccia bread, arugula and spinach salad, water-based lubricant, pot brownie, anything?

LINDA
I'm fine.

TED
I'm fine, too.

BOOFIE
Great. That was a test.

TED
What?

BOOFIE
If you'd actually taken anything, you so wouldn't have gotten this job.

LINDA
Really?

BOOFIE
No, not really! Ha ha ha! Just messing with your minds, trying to make you nervous, not really, just relax, we're totally laid back here.

TED
Yeah. It seems like a really nice atmosphere.

BOOFIE
Atmosphere is what we're all about, Ted. Its what the entire Internet is all about. It's about experiencing life, enjoying its little delicious mysteries, feeling like a kid while at the same time working for The Man. It's about having fun, and working longer than expected hours. But those extra hours just stream right by because of our live DJ and happy endless house music beat pumping you through that late night coding and strategizing. Sure, you can't pursue anything else. Sure you can't have a hobby or other friends, but that's OK because it's all here. It's all right here in our office.

TED
So what is it that your company does?

BOOFIE
Ted, Linda. You are sitting in the offices of a company that is on the cutting edge of technology and innovation.

LINDA
Wow.

BOOFIE
"Wow" indeed, Linda. And "Wow" to you as well, Teddy.

TED
Ted. So what is it that your company does?

BOOFIE
We are makers of a revolution, Ted. We are part of something huge. Enormous! And you can be a part of it. We're really well-funded and we'll probably be public in just a few short months. Our company has been labeled "hot" by all the Internet trades, and one of them even called us "hot and spicy." Did I mention all the options you get?

LINDA
You mean like power steering and windows?

BOOFIE
Oh ha ha ha ha! Ha ha Linda! We love a sense of humor. We love that. Are you a lesbian?

LINDA
Yes, but why...

BOOFIE
Oh that would be so exciting to have a lesbian here! We love lesbians, and we don't have one, it would be great to have you fill that void. (to TED) And you, clearly you are a big homo.

TED
What? Wait, how did you know that? I'm very straight-acting.

BOOFIE
Looks like someone needs another acting class. Ha ha ha ha.

TED
(to LINDA) But how... I'm not sibilant. I don't speak with any lisp, do I, Linda? What is it? What tips it off to everyone?

LINDA
What doesn't, Ted?

BOOFIE
Ha ha ha ha.

TED
Great.

BOOFIE
Oh, God damnit! I really like you guys. You guys are just so perky and filled with that youthful je ne sais quoi that makes us here in the Internet industry just throw our hands in the air and shout "SUV!" We'd really love to have you here. Let me just ask a few things here. Do you have any skills?

TED and LINDA
No.

BOOFIE
That's totally fine! We'll can train you on that. You went to an east coast college, though, right?

TED and LINDA
Yes.

BOOFIE
Wonderful! Do either of you know what carpal tunnel syndrome is?

TED and LINDA
No.

BOOFIE
Excellent. Let's keep it that way. OK. Let me see. Just one final question for you: Favorite band?

TED and LINDA
Radiohead.

BOOFIE
Welcome to the revolution! You are in! Welcome to the company we want you so so so bad.

TED
That's it? It's that easy?

BOOFIE
Well, Ted and Linda, you are the only two unemployed people in the entire city of San Francisco, so it's not like our choices are that vast.

She hands them large HTML books.

So, here are your HTML books. Learn this stuff, and, why don't you start on Monday?

LINDA
Hey, what about salary? You never told us how much we'd...

BOOFIE
How's this?

She writes a number on a piece of paper and passes it to LINDA and TED.

LINDA
Viva la revolución!

TED
Hey we get dental dams with this job!

LINDA
That's dental plan. Dental plan, Ted.

TED
Oh. Silly me.

They all laugh and then freeze for a moment as though its the end of a sitcom. TED runs up to the audience.

TED
I love HTML. This is perfect. An all-consuming job, working as hard as I did in college, but this time, I am selling kitty litter to a wired world! Hours of work where my brain doesn't have to think about anything else at all, like, Jan.

AHHH! I just thought of him!

JAN appears upstage and stares at TED.

AHH! There he is! Get out! Get out of my mind!

JAN waves.

Damn it. I have to get back to work.

TED exits. Crossfade to LINDA.

LINDA
At this point, I was doing quite well. You know what I'm saying, right? I was doin' "really well"... Oh yeah. I called her Ketel One, to commemorate how we first met. She worked only two converted warehouses down in another interweb gopher company, and she was a programmer, oh my God that turned me on.

KETEL ONE walks on.

KETEL ONE
Hello my little applet.

LINDA
Mmmm hello, sexy Perl!

KETEL ONE
(sexily) Java. C++. Linux Linux Linux.

LINDA
Mmm, I love your object-oriented dirty talk!

They smooch.

KETEL
Hey, I wanted to use the bathroom, but your roommate's been in there for a half hour.

LINDA
Oh, no.

KETEL
What's he doing in there?

LINDA
You don't really want to know do you?

Lights up on TED, sitting on the can, pants along the ankles, trying to read a Pottery Barn catalog.

TED
I will not think of Jan while I use the bathroom, even though it was a bathroom where we first....where we first found each other....Oh wow, who knew that a little hole in between two stalls would lead to such passion such love such happ... OK, Strength! Focus!

JAN appears from behind the toilet, holding toilet paper and lube.

JAN
Lube?

TED
Ahhhh!

JAN
I brought some napkins to clean up afterwards.

TED
Stay away! Stay away from me with your naughty lube! I don't want you in my life anymore. I'm over you! Seriously, I am so over you!

JAN
I re-charged the battery today.

TED
Ahhhhhhh!

a knock on the door

LINDA's VOICE
OK, there are others that have life functions in the household.

TED
Aaaaaah! I can't take it anymore! Make Jan go away!

LINDA's VOICE
Are you taking my Darvocet again?

TED
I wish.

JAN
I would like to fondle you.

TED
Shut up!

LINDA's VOICE
Don't tell me to shut up!

TED
No, not you. I'm talking to...oh never mind. I'll be out in a second.

LINDA's VOICE
And don't pee on the seat. We sit on that, you know.

TED
Are accusing me of bad aim?

JAN
You want to see my Prince Albert again?

TED
Fie! Fie! Away with thou!

Dramatic music underscores the following pledge.

TED
I must redouble my efforts to rid Jan from my life. Anytime I think about love, sex, or any emotion, I think of him. I have to stop thinking of Jan.

Therefore, I need to stop thinking about love and sex altogether! Yes! From now on, I will be celibate, monastic, and my only pleasure will be derived from e-commerce.

JAN
I'm touching my balls. Would you like to touch them?

TED
Shhhh!

Crossfade to LINDA.

LINDA
Ted doubled his hours at work. He wore baggy clothes. He cancelled his subscription to XY magazine. I grabbed a drink with him later that week at our local bar, The Irony Couch, after a "launch party."

TED sits at a bar booth sipping a Manhattan, LINDA's martini next to him. Light house music plays in the background. LINDA sits next to him and plunks down two shots.

TED
Shots?

LINDA
Ketel's working late again.

TED
Oh, it's blue!

LINDA
Infused vodka.

TED
What does that mean?

LINDA
It means they were 8 dollars each. Enjoy.

TED
L'chayim.

They toast and down their shots.

TED
Ahh, another day, another launch, another crazy party.

LINDA
That one sucked.

TED
Yeah. Journey just isn't the same without Steve Perry.

LINDA
And the food! I am sick of satay, sushi, and tapas.

TED
The blood sausage was really good.

LINDA
Did you hear that engineer guy, Armando? He would not stop talking to me about his sudden wealth syndrome and how Palo Alto is such a lonely city for a single man. I told him I'm a dyke and a communist, but that just gave him an erection.

TED
Can you believe how young the CEO was?

LINDA
Well, I'm guessing 12, seeing as he didn't have any pubic hair. It's kind of sickening, what's going on here. Something doesn't feel right about this.

TED
What, that you're a communist dyke who makes 50K a year?

LINDA
Well, yeah, basically. I mean, I totally hate yuppies, but all the yuppies in this city look like me.

TED
Linda, don't worry. Yuppies are only the ones in sales and marketing. We, on the other hand, are building the bridge to the 21st century.

LINDA
Coding a "Puppy Chow Sweepstakes" mini-site does not feel like bridge-building.

TED
Well, you have to look at the forest for the trees. Look at that cat food tree in perspective of the vast worldwide canopy of commerce we are cultivating.

LINDA
Now I'm really depressed.

TED
Awww.

LINDA
I just want to be with Ketel right now. In bed, holding each other and giggling and kissing, telling stories in hushed tones and licking. I mean that's what's really important...

TED
Ahhhh love, I remember that.

LINDA
Ted, its "No-Self-Pity Thursday," remember.

TED
Oh there's no pity here. I'm just recalling love. Its something I've moved beyond.

LINDA
Oh.

TED
I've cleared my mind of emotions so that I may be a honed instrument of cutting-edgedness.

LINDA
That's not a word.

TED
New words for a new world, Linda! How exciting it is to be alive at this time, to be part of the digital revolution. It's so much better than love and sex.

LINDA
What?

TED
Seriously, sweet nothings and blow jobs pale in comparison to reinventing the global marketplace.

LINDA
Oh Ted, you just need to find someone with full lips.

TED
You're missing the point.

LINDA
What, that you're happy being a eunuch cyborg?

TED
No, that I'm happy! That a computer network and being on it for 80 plus hours a week extracts more pleasure from my soul than a thousand orgasms. I'm spent Linda, and I'm saving my next load for e-commerce. Why, I bet you, even if some drop-dead gorgeous guy, shirtless and sweating with a glorious smooth chest and boyishly handsome cute face walked by, I wouldn't even turn my head.

LINDA
Oh, really?

TED
Yeah, totally.

A drop dead GORGEOUS GUY shirtless and sweating with a glorious smooth chest and boyishly handsome cute face walks up to TED and LINDA's table. TED sees him approach, and turns his head away, not looking at the guy.

GORGEOUS GUY
(To TED) Excuse me, I was wondering if that drink you were having was any good?

TED remains silent looking away.

LINDA
Ted?

TED
Yes it was very good thank you very much have a nice day take care now.

GORGEOUS GUY
Cool.

He tries to get eye contact.

So, uh, what kind of drink was it?

TED
A Manhattan, up, thank you very much now go on your way please continue on with your life of bodily desire and I will with mine, God bless America.

LINDA
I'm so sorry. I think my friend here has given up sexual attraction for Lent this year.

GORGEOUS GUY
But it's October.

LINDA
It's a special pre-millennial super Lent.

GORGEOUS GUY
Oh. Right. Well, sorry to disturb you. Have a good night.

He exits.

TED
(still with his head turned away) Is he gone?

LINDA
Yes. He kind of reminded me of Jan.

TED
That's just because the theater can't afford another actor. See, Linda? If we had bet, I'd so have a little more cash right now. Not even the most beautiful... Holy Jesus lord Mary Christmas he was hot I just want to gnaw on his little... (recomposing himself) NO Godammit NO... focus... remember the revolution... Mind over man sex... keep the dream alive... Must keep penis shriveled small and not important except for bathroom things. This is the new Ted. If you want to change who you are, you can!

LINDA stares at the audience.

LINDA
So, for the next year, Ted repressed any sexual desire he had. A quick montage of Ted's home life during the year of celibacy, in all its breathtaking glory.

TED plays solitaire.

Blackout.

TED reads a biography of Richard Nixon.

Blackout.

TED paints a desert landscape.

Blackout.

TED eats a loud, very dry, cracker.

Blackout.

TED reads Forbes or The Mercury News or something. His hand reaches down and touches his crotch. Realizing what he's doing, he flogs himself with a cat o' nine tails or a Tazer like that for having an impure thought.

LINDA
At this point, Ted totally would have put on the sweatpants, purple shroud and Nikes and headed to the Hale Bopp comet himself. One year passed. A year of dotcoma, sexual repression, and a minor thrill taken from the presence of a potential computer glitch that everyone was convinced would lead to the apocalypse. And as a bonus Ted disliked Ketel, the love of my life, and never hesitated to talk about it.

Special up on TED.

TED
It's just that I didn't know you were a wide hip fetishist, Linda. That usually is a turn-off for most people. But, you go! Someone has to eat the pears, I guess.

Special down.

LINDA
Now he was a bitchy cyborg eunuch. Then, on a rainy January Sunday, the dam burst.

Dam Burst

Crossfade to TED in front of a computer screen. He's using a Web browser.

TED
Oh, hello. I'm just about to check out this cool academic site I heard about, its called MANSE dot com, m a n s e, the Massachusetts Association of Nomenclature in Science and Engineering. I think I've always loved Nomenclature since I was a little boy I can't believe there's a site about it. Anyway. w... w... w... dot... m... a... n... s... e...

short pause

... x... dot... com OK. Show me the nomenclature.

A gay porn Web site blips on the screen.

This is not nomenclature. Oh my God. No... Wait, hold on. Did something in my brain unwittingly add an x to the m a n s e making manse... Oh my God, this is pornography.

horrified

That is a naked man! That is a naked man!

becoming engrossed and turned on

That is a naked man. Naked naked naked tender skin bone structure in face so firm and masculine so nicely formed in the pectoral muscle trimmed pubes touch the skin but it's virtual but so beautiful naked big uncut manhood. No! Must stop! News site! Must find a news site fast... must see starving children mad cows Balkan blight... fast supple moist yummy eye feast more pictures click here.

He begins to click furiously.

A sign pops out that says "THREE HOURS LATER." TED is ravenously glued to the computer screen, clicking like a madman.

TED
So... much... nudity... So much overload of arousal... So many beautiful acts of group sex. Must... turn off the computer... Must try to regain control... Must read clinical novel.

He turns off the screen and, in a daze, stands up and walks into the living room where LINDA and KETEL ONE are sitting together kind of cuddly on the couch. TED sits in another chair with a book entitled That Amazing Peat Moss.

TED
Read. Return to stability now. Asexuality and spores, take me away.

KETEL
(To LINDA) I love you.

LINDA
I love you.

KETEL
I love you more.

LINDA
No, I love you more.

KETEL
I love you so much more.

LINDA
I love you this much.

KETEL
That's a lot, but I love you this much.

LINDA
That's so much!

KETEL
I know.

LINDA
I can love you that much, too.

KETEL
It's so much love we have.

LINDA
Oh, you. Don't make me tickle you.

KETEL
Nooo! Not the tickles!

LINDA tickles KETEL.

LINDA
Tickle tickle.

KETEL
Oh, hee hee hee. Stop! I love laughing with you.

LINDA
I love laughing.

KETEL
I love you.

LINDA
I love you.

TED
Please stop the loving. I'm desperately trying to regain control right now.

KETEL
Whoa. Someone's not getting any. Ted, why don't you head over to Good Vibrations and get something to vibrate your little problems away.

LINDA and KETEL laugh uproariously.

LINDA
Amen to that, Ketel. You are so funny.

TED
Please, you lesbians must cease any sort of affection with each other, or I cannot be responsible for any actions I may do.

LINDA
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

KETEL
"You lesbians." That was so offensive.

LINDA
Your smell heals all the pain of his remark.

KETEL
No. Your eyes do.

LINDA
Your whole being does.

KETEL
God, I love you.

LINDA
I love you.

TED
All right! That's it! NO MORE! I QUIT! THE YEAR OF CELIBACY IS TERMINATED! My groin is growing its own rebellious mind like a horny confederate soldier, ready to secede and form its own penile nation. I'm getting laid tonight! I'm going out there and finding someone who is going to want me so bad, not for my personality, no, but because I am hot! Here begins the new Ted, TED 2K! Ted the sex passion man lover! Ted the largest mouth west of the Mississippi.

KETEL
That's disgusting.

LINDA
I've seen bigger.

TED
No more talking!. My vinyl pants must be pressed, the loving must be had.

LINDA
Oh, no. One year of sexual repression has made my very own roommate a walking Mount St. Helens.

KETEL
Can't you lock him up or put a rubber ball in his mouth or something?

TED
Oh, shut your hymen, Ketel. You can't lock up this beast. I must go forth and unleash my cylindrical love candle. Now, where do I go find the sex?

LINDA
Where do you find it?

TED
Yes! Where does one go in San Francisco to find hot raw male naughty buddies? I've never even been out to a gay bar since we've been here. Do they even have gay bars in San Francisco?

LINDA
Only enough gay bars to make straight men nervous about moving here for fear of tarnishing their reputation at home.

KETEL
(to LINDA) And I thought you were naïve.

TED
Why do you jest? Why do you taunt my tortured horny soul? A soul that needs to be touched, physically, preferably by as many people as possible at the same time.

LINDA
Sorry, he gets a little out of control sometimes.

KETEL
Does the word "bipolar" have any significance in this household?

TED
You weren't touched enough as a baby, were you, Ketel?

KETEL
You wanna take this outside, Ted?

TED
No, because you'd kick my ass.

LINDA
Enough! The Castro is that way, why don't you start there.

TED
The "Castro"? Oooo. I like that name. Sounds so macho, so full of masculinity. Is it an all-gay neighborhood, or one of the last remaining Irish strongholds?

KETEL
This is sad.

LINDA
Be nice.

TED
I will go to this "Castro." I will find the other homosexuals of this city, and I will talk to them, share feelings with them. But not in spoken language. I will talk to them in drunken dancing love language.

LINDA
Go get 'em, tiger.

KETEL
Don't forget your Saran wrap.

TED
Farewell. My poo-nani-nani awaits. Ted is back on the meat market!

TED exits triumphantly. Moments later, TED returns.

TED
On second thought, I think I'm really tired I'm just going to go to sleep.

LINDA
GET OUT!

TED
On second thought I'm going to go out there and find the love and passion. Bring on the sexvalanche.

He leaves for good this time.

KETEL
Sexvalanche?

LINDA
Watch out for falling cocks.

KETEL
I'm terrified, frankly, for the gay community. This could set back the entire movement.

LINDA
I'm just plain terrified.

Crossfade to spot on TED.

TED
Here I go. Stay strong, Ted. Head up high. Go the distance. If you build it, they will come. Or maybe I will if I'm really lucky. My stomach is folding itself in half. What if someone touches me? That would be so real! I don't know if I can handle that. I don't know if I can be with someone else. I've only been with one man my whole life. Jan. Maybe he was the only one. Maybe that's it for me. I had my wonderful relationship. I had the best time ever and everything in the future means nothing. No! I am an adult. I am over him. I will now have some quality poontang. Then I will be free! I'm shaking. Perhaps I should revert to the classic method of dealing with one's personal inadequacies. Just a little courage, and then I will accept the booty with open arms.

He pulls out a bottle of whiskey.

Excuse me for a minute, I just need to drink this whole thing...

The lights fade out slowly as music rises, and TED continues to drink way, way too much.

End of Act 1

Act 2

Community Service

Lights shift to club lights, disco moving stuff, house music thumps. The song should sound like it's having some sort of intro or something before it gets to the big main beat of the song. Because when that main beat hits, TED jumps out, facing the audience and engages in a wacky, trying to be cool, drunken, dance number. This should be choreographed. At one point the ENSEMBLE joins him in a little triangle of coordinated dance moves. A GUY walks by. TED sees him and starts to grind his way towards him. He grinds his way in a very bizarre, awkward, not too sensual way. GUY backs off. TED sort of chases him about until GUY runs off stage. TED shrugs, then heads to the center. Another guy, BRUCE, walks by. TED tries to attract him over with more of his bizarre "grinding." BRUCE seems interested and starts to dance with him for a bit. TED increases his bizarre dancing technique.

TED
Hi.

BRUCE
What?

TED
I said "Hi."

BRUCE
I said "What."

TED
Oh. I thought you couldn't hear what I said.

BRUCE
No. The "what" was more in the spirit of "What do you want?"

TED
What do I want?

BRUCE
What are you looking for? Boyfriend? Anonymous sex? Just a friend? Top? Bottom? Group Scene? Fisting? Someone to piss all over your head?

TED
Oh. Uh. Well. I don't know. Definitely not the head and urination one... That's just not my... I didn't even know it was anybody's... What were the other choices again?

BRUCE
You like smooth or hairy guys?

TED
Well I usually like everyone until they do something mean... Oh, you mean sexually. Like hair on their chests and stuff?

BRUCE
Yeah.

TED
Oh, uh, either way, I guess. I've only really been with one guy, I mean, one whole big group of similarly haired guys, a really large group... hundreds... thousands of guys with all the same hair type, and they had some hair, but I think that'd be cool if there wasn't hair, too. Like totally no hair?

BRUCE
I have no hair on my body whatsoever. It's all been removed by laser.

TED
Oh, wow. Really?

BRUCE
You get a much more unfiltered view of my expertly crafted and surgically enhanced pectoral muscles, as well as my manufactured tan.

TED
Cool.

BRUCE
No pubic hair, either. Save the flossing for later.

TED.
Oh! Wow.

BRUCE
My body is a smooth canvas. A canvas for you to make artwork with your semen. A Jackson Pollock cum painting is ready to be splattered all over my body. Now, how big is your brush?

TED
My brush, I don't really paint or anything... Ohhhhhh. That. Ha ha. Yeah. That's, um, well that's like its a pretty good size like 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...

BRUCE
How thick?

TED
How thick is... my OH... oh... um.. I don't know really, but it's definitely thicker than my finger. Or two fingers, depending on the finger maybe... yeah... My wrist... no hold on...

BRUCE grabs TED's crotch.

TED
What are you doing?

BRUCE
I'm grabbing your crotch.

TED
My God.

BRUCE lifts up TED's shirt.

TED
Ahh! What are you doing?

BRUCE
Pec and ab check. Yikes.

TED
This is mildly humiliating.

BRUCE
It's not going to work out.

TED
What?

BRUCE
Yeah. I have several criteria for having sex with men: 8x6 inch cock minimum, visible abdominal muscles, and pecs you can actually say exist in the real world. You meet none of these criteria. Nothing personal. All the best in your life.

The music rises, he dances away, other dancers come in. TED starts to dance ridiculously once again. The GUY returns. BRUCE sees the GUY, the GUY all of a sudden whips out rave flags, and they start to grind each other ridiculously. Club lights and music start to fade, leaving just a spot on TED.

TED
Whoo! Party is goin' on! Party party... Oh, I'm outside not at the party anymore. No, the Ted party is over now, and its a little cold, and I'm just wearing a t-shirt. Oh boy, I'm a little bit spinning right now, I can't see straight, and wow I need a gym membership stat. I've never been able to count so many muscles. How do they get those? Do they have jobs?

And maybe I should get one of those pumps that makes your thing, you know, a bigger thing. It used to be fine. Maybe its fine. Do you want to see it? Because maybe you guys could all make me feel better about it... OK, I'm drunk, and I'm depressed, but I can still perceive signals from the stage manager that I should not lower my pants during this production, so I guess you are all going to have to see it after the show! That is, only if you're a subscriber.

He starts laughing uproariously.

Oh, life sucks. Life is a big pecan pie that falls onto the floor just before you can get your fork in it. Life is just so...

A CRUISER walks on upstage. Leans his back against the wall. He's wearing a baseball cap which covers his head.

TED
Oh, hello.

The CRUISER taps his foot on the wall.

TED
Oh. You're a dancer. Oh look, everyone, I'm being followed by a dancer.

The CRUISER touches his crotch.

TED
You're a very naughty dancer, my God. Very Michael Smuin, I like it. Wow, this is exciting, I feel like I'm getting my very own private recital. It's not often that...

TED gasps. He walks up and speaks in confidence to the audience.

TED
Oh my god, this is...this is a man looking for sex! A street cruiser! A man walking the dark streets looking for other pieces of meat for hard-core marination. There's a whole history to this. Because of years of oppression, men were forced to walk the streets of cities to find sex in secret, only able to communicate through secret hand signals. And hankies. Scary. Who is this guy? What does he want from me? Does he just want to run in the woods? How will I please him? I am so turned on right now. I'm goin' in, I'm gonna make this happen. Tonight I will become a true gay man!

TED pops back into the scene and saunters up to the CRUISER.

TED
So you want to just steal my wallet now, or play "put the tofu pup in the hot, moist toaster oven" first?

The CRUISER lifts his face. It's JAN! Or is it just someone who looks exactly like him?

TED
AHHHHHHHHHHH!

The CRUISER, startled, screams like a girl, then runs away.

TED
Jan! No, wait, come back! Come back, Jaaaaan! Oh my god, that was him! There's no doubt in my mind that was him! No, it couldn't have been him. My mind is playing games. No wonder absinthe is illegal!

He starts hitting his head.

Damn you, mind! Damn you!

The lights crossfade to a special on LINDA.

LINDA
Several weeks passed since Ted became a born-again homo, and finally ventured into the gay community. His eyes became a little wider. He twitched more. He started wearing track pants. He refused to eat dairy because he worried his skin would blemish. He wasn't getting any. But that was just the beginning of the fall.

We crossfade to LINDA and KETEL in the apartment. We hear the clacking of the keyboard coming from the other room.

LINDA
He's been in there for hours.

KETEL
And all you hear is the keyboard clacking.

LINDA
That and weird guttural whoops and chuckles.

TED lets out guttural whoop and chuckle.

KETEL
Is he writing a novel?

LINDA
He's not a writer.

KETEL
Is he obsessive compulsive? Is he just writing the same sentence over and over again?

LINDA
"All work and no sex make Ted a very difficult man to live with?"

KETEL
Something like that.

LINDA
What weirds me out the most are the occasional sentences. Like he's talking to someone.

TED
(offstage) Ha! Oh Ha! You are a funny man. What do you look like?

KETEL
Who's he talking to?

LINDA
I don't know. Am I going to have to do an intervention with him?

KETEL
I don't understand your friendship.

TED
(offstage) Oh my God! Oh take that, you vixen! I'll see you there tonight. I'll see you there, you maker of the love sweat, you.

LINDA
Well there's a lot of history there, I mean we go way back. We're best friends.

KETEL
I know. I just don't understand why that is. Every story you tell me about him sounds like it came out of a narcissism fan 'zine.

LINDA
Yeah he can be like that. He's been a lot like that actually.

KETEL
So why do you deal with it? Do you like being friends with selfish gay men?

LINDA
Hey, watch it. He can be a real sweetheart, and fun.

KETEL
And when was the last time he was like that?

LINDA
Senior year in college, but he's just going through a difficult period. I know he's annoying, he'll get better. He always does, I think. I can't just hate him. He's my soul mate in a way.

KETEL
He is?

LINDA
Well, I mean, totally different from you, we just communicate on this higher level. I mean you're great, and...

KETEL
I'm "great," but he's your soul mate? Has he tossed so much of his shit in your face that you're totally blind?

LINDA
That's not nice.

KETEL
That's the truth.

LINDA
Are you not enjoying this anymore?

KETEL
No, I'm having a ball being hissed at by your "friend." I love how he calls me "Mrs. ButterThighs." I love how he demands all your attention, sits on the toilet for hours, talks constantly about his lack of love life, and completely ignores your life. But, fine, stick with your "soul mate." I know I can't live up to the high standard that is The Ted. Go back to being in love with your gay man. Deep down, you're just a fag hag. I'm just a mild extension to your four-year queer syndrome.

LINDA
You think I'm just experimenting with you, Ketel? How dare you...

KETEL
Who always wants me to wear the dildo? That's all I'm saying.

LINDA
Oh. I'm sorry. I thought you didn't like me wearing the dildo.

KETEL
I don't like most of the things you do in bed, OK? Sex with you is like fucking a Tickle-Me-Elmo. Do you ever not want to cuddle and just screw?

LINDA
Oh well, thank you very much! Thank you very fucking much, Miss "lick my clit, now put your hand on my tit" drill sergeant of the bedroom! You're so cold in bed, I'm surprised an Eskimo hasn't gone ice fishing in your twat.

KETEL
Hey, being cold and dispassionate turns me on!

TED emerges.

TED
I have a date!

LINDA
Oh, Christ.

TED
He's charming, he's funny and oh my God, he's beautiful.

LINDA
Ted, we're in the middle of...

TED
I'm meeting him for coffee in an hour! Oh, hug me, Linda, I must be dreaming.

LINDA
Ted, if you don't get out of here soon, Ketel here will probably throw one of her sharp teeth into your neck and try to bleed you.

KETEL
Are you bringing up my tooth problem? You cunt.

TED
Ha! You two are so funny when you fight. Meow meow. So anyway, I met him in a chat room. San Francisco M4M chat room. Oh, it was so exciting! My sex fast will soon come to an end!

LINDA
Ted!

TED
Because, of course as we all know, "having coffee" in the gay male community is common code for meeting someone for Saucy Shabbat Shabootie. It's just a light screening procedure to make sure your sex partner is not a violent Southern Baptist, 12 years old, or fat.

LINDA
Ted!

TED
What?

LINDA
Will you please fuck off?

TED
Oh, that really hurts, Linda. Are you having your period?

LINDA
That's it!

She goes to throw something at him. As she picks something up, TED leaves triumphantly.

TED
Buh Bye! I'll tell you all the details when I get back!

LINDA looks at the audience.

LINDA
Do I even need to tell you how that ended up?

KETEL
Who are you talking to? Are you crazy?

LINDA
Um, hello, the audience, this is a play.

KETEL
This reads way more like a sitcom than a play. Now David Mamet, he's a writer.

LINDA
Oh, up yours, Ketel. It's over. You know what? I never even liked vodka in the first place.

KETEL gasps.

Crossfade to a cafe where TED sits eagerly at a cafe table. RON enters, he looks very different from his online picture.

RON
Lance? You're Lance, right?

TED
Yes. I'm "Lance." Yes, and you're not... no you can't be..

RON
NoeValleySexParty, yeah, it's me. Now you can call me Ron.

TED
OK. What if I want to call you the other name, would that be OK? Like at a party? "Have you met my new friend, NoeValleySexParty?" "NoeValleySexParty, could you please refill my sangria?" That'd be pretty funny.

RON
No, it wouldn't. I wouldn't appreciate that.

TED
OK. That's fine. I'll just call you Ron. So, Ron, it's nice to meet you.

RON
Nice to meet you, too.

TED
Gosh. I have to say you look quite a bit different from your picture.

RON
Yeah, I know, it throws people for a loop sometimes.

TED
Oh. Yeah. A lot of people tell you that?

RON
Yeah. That picture doesn't really look like me at all in many ways.

TED
Yeah, I mean the picture makes you look like you're 24 and now you look like you're like, what, thir... four... fif...

RON
Well, of course, it's not me.

TED
It's not?

RON
Oh, no. I just grabbed it from some porn site on the net. I think he's Czech or something.

TED
Oh. Hmm. But you told me that picture was you...

RON
Well I like to think that it's me, you know? And in many ways it really is me, my essence. That kid in the pic; his spirit, his joie de vivre, his torso, is something I really identify with. It says something about me, my goals, who I visualize myself to be. So, in that way, that erotic nude picture is a better representation of who I am than what you see when you see the real me. It's my soul.

TED
That's fascinating.

RON
My soul is really deep. I've got so much to explore and share with you. I really like to dig down deep.

TED
Whoa?! That better not be a double entendre.

RON
No, I'm being serious. You make a lot of jokes. Why do you think I'm not being serious? Is it because I'm a gay man? You can't take a gay man seriously?

TED
No, I can. I'm gay, too.

RON
But your internalized homophobia is coming through. I bet you anytime another man shares anything intimate with you, you try and make a joke out of it. As though intimacy between two men is a joke, a big sissy joke.

TED
Actually, I have no problem at all with being...

RON
I am not a sissy! A bottom, yes, sissy, no. I am not some walking, pansy, lispy, stereotype to you, so you shut it. You don't even know what living is yet, how old are you, 15?

TED
24

RON
Same difference, except for that damn law. My point is, I've lived. I live for every moment of life and seize it. I love to seize, to feel, to sing, to breathe. I want to find that someone I can share that joy with, a life partner, a lover, my deepest buddy. I want to share intimate things with you: My fears, my dreams. Can you be that man? Can you be that sweet tender confidant? Can you be that? Do you dare?

TED
Well I don't know about that...

RON
But enough about me. You're hot.

TED
Oh. Thanks.

RON
I could just munch you up right here at the cafe. Like the tastiest, sexiest biscotti I've ever eaten. I really like to dip my biscotti, if you know what I'm saying.

TED
I unfortunately think I know what you're saying.

RON
I am feeling it. I am feeling it a lot. Do you feel it? Mmm yeah, rimming, yeah! I'm getting a mocha? Can I buy you an espresso drink, you naughty lad?

TED
Oh. I dunno... I think I really need to...

RON
One double naughty latte coming up for the naughtiest guy in the cafe. I'll be back faster than you can say inner sphincter.

RON walks off.

TED
Inner sphincter. Liar. OK. There are two doors. I just need to run out the back door. Now. NOW! Go Ted! Get the hell out of here, Ted, stat! Oh shit, he's coming back.

RON re-enters.

RON
Mocha for me, and latte for you. Happy Anniversary.

TED
Excuse me?

RON
Well, if you count the time we chatted as our first date, we've been going out for a whole day.

TED
Has anyone every told you that you might get attached to someone a little too fast?

RON
Find an opportunity, and seize it -- that's my motto. Life doesn't sleep, time moves on, people move by, the wind blows through my khakis, my dick gets hard, let's make love.

TED
Well, it's creeping me out.

RON
No. It's not anything I'm doing that's creeping you out. It's your own personal fear. It's your fear of intimacy, your self-hatred, your internalized..

TED
No, it's you. I'm really sorry, but its YOU that creeps me out. I have to go home now.

RON
If that's the way you want to be.

TED
I'm sorry I mistook your picture to be a literal photograph of you and not the conceptual mission statement you intended it to be.

RON
I'm seeing someone else anyway.

TED
Great.

RON
And he's hot.

TED
Goodbye.

TED exits.

RON
Did I mention I have money? Did I mention that I have my own really large place. My own really large, empty, place? My own...

He gives up. His guard drops and we see someone defeated for a moment. He lifts up his drink to his mouth and sips as he stares at the latte before him, full and not to be drunk. He sees the audience.

RON
Anyone up for a mocha?

Rock (Party) Bottom

Spotlight on TED.

TED
I headed right back to the chat room like the stupid rat in the experiments who always chose the electrocution button instead of the cheese one. I think perhaps the worst incident was going to what I was told would be a wild orgy of safe group sex between consenting 18- to 29-year-old athletic and reasonably attractive men of all ethnicities, only to open the door on Cindy Blackfield's 8th birthday just as they were launching into match 2 of a round robin Hungry Hungry Hippos. This was older brother Bobby's idea of a practical joke. It was humiliating, but at least I won the tournament. But then, I succeeded! I found someone who I was attracted to, seemed reasonably sane, and wanted to come over that night. We kissed. We got naked. Oh man, things were very special...

A light up on LINDA.

LINDA
And that was the "very special" scene you witnessed at the beginning of the tonight's performance. That really beautiful, touching, completely non-awkward session of genuine lovemaking.

TED
Yeah, well, for at least 5 minutes.

LINDA
I hope you treasure those minutes till you die.

TED
God, I'm depressed.

LINDA
And no one cares. That's what really sad.

TED
Linda, I can't help noticing that you've been a little testy and irritable this entire play.

LINDA
Wow, Ted, you noticed. I'm astonished.

TED
You're kind of this really weird energy on the whole story right now.

LINDA
Oh, I'm sorry. Is it cramping your style? Am I preventing you from making a touching, insightful monologue about the idiosyncrasies of life?

TED
Well, as a matter of fact I was going to start one, but...

LINDA
Ketel left me.

TED
She left?

LINDA
She thinks I spend too much time paying attention to your problems. She thinks I'm in love with you. So she left me.

TED
Huh. Wow.

LINDA
Yeah. "Wow." What the fuck does that mean?

TED
I mean, it was never that serious, was it?

LINDA
Excuse me?

TED
Well, it seemed like it was just a romp. I mean if you really loved her, you'd bother to call her by her real name. She doesn't even look like she's from Holland.

LINDA
She thinks you're a selfish prick.

TED
Whatever. She's totally one of those lesbians who hates all men.

LINDA
Hates all men?

TED
Yeah. I've been to the Lexington Club. I feel those stares at me as though I'm a sex felon. Some day, I'm just going to yell in there "Hey! I'm sorry nobody asked you to the prom, but don't take it out on me!"

LINDA
If we're going to talk about gender-hating groups, let's just chat it up about your man-cult following, muscle-worshipping, machismo-absorbed, Calvin Klein-wearing, all praise the mighty phallus and "let's buy 12 stone Grecian penises and decorate our apartment with it"-thinking faggots you are trying to get with every night. You're becoming one of those queens whose entire philosophy of life is "Why be nice to it if you don't want to fuck it?"

TED
Are you cheapening man sex Linda? Sex between men is never cheap!

LINDA
I'm moving out.

TED
What?

LINDA
I'm outie! Skittles! Goodbye!

TED
I don't understand. Why?

LINDA
Um. Hmm. Let me see. How do I put this. Well basically for the past two years, or (to the audience) the last 80 minutes or so for you folks out there, you've been a real asshole.

TED
What? Me? You don't find my travails endearing and adorable?

LINDA
My entire life is your travails! You only talk to me when you need a back massage and need healing of your fragile, oppressed, queer soul.

TED
Well, Linda, my soul is fragile, you know that. That's why it's so nice that you are there to heal it. You're always there for me.

LINDA
And where have you been? You have no clue what's going on with me: How my heart is broken, how I don't know why my relationship suddenly fell apart, and how I think that I've wasted years of life building web pages that sell kibbles to a global marketplace. I think I've sold out, because the carrot they dangled on the stick was bigger than anything I've ever seen. But you don't care. Because it's all Ted, Ted, Ted. And let's make Ted's life even more special by making a FUCKING PLAY about it. Let's have everyone feel your pain! Isn't he just so angsty and cute, I wonder what he's doing after the show. And look, there's his lesbian friend who's such a good narrator and so nicely supports him and puts up with his wily antics. Well, I'm sorry, that's it. I'm tired of being best supporting actress. You call me when you feel like being a friend again. You call me when my role in your show here is a little more interesting and fleshed out. Goodbye.

She leaves.

TED
Oh Linda, come back, you're being ridiculous. Come back Linda! Linda? She'll be back. She's just trying to get attention. We're like this, she loves me. We're inseparable. Linda?

BOOFIE enters.

TED
Boofie!

BOOFIE
Ted. I'm sorry I've come all the way to your apartment, but it just wasn't worth it setting up a new scene back at work, it would have broken the flow.

TED
Oh. OK. What's up?

BOOFIE
Well, you remember how we had that huge, huge blowout celebration launch party last week, the one in the large outdoor tent, where Devo played, and we had all that beluga caviar, brie, and free bike messenger bags for everyone?

TED
Yeah, that was a great party. I had so much fun at that.

BOOFIE
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it, because the money we spent on that party was actually your salary for next year, as well as few other people's salaries and, well, we're going to have to let you go.

TED
What. Wait. Are you firing me?

BOOFIE
Oh, no! It's not firing. We're not firing you, we're laying you off. It's just we have no money. We have no profit, no income. We have no business plan. We're broke. We're fucked!

She starts sobbing.

The options are worth nothing! Oh, the pain, the sorrow, why why why did the revolution have to end? It's like that really dramatic part of Les Miserables and we're all shot-up corpses strewn all over a rotating barricade. Oh it's all Microsoft's fault. If we had gotten that partnership on MSN we'd be in gold city. But no! No! An icy frost has descended on dotcomia. South of Market seems bleak, windy, dry, devoid of hope. That incessant hum of change and gentrification is fading. Its all fading away, a violet, like an old photograph, like Kim Basinger's career.

She recovers.

So, yeah, we'll pay you for this week, and then you're on your own.

TED
Are you leaving, too, Boofie?

BOOFIE
Yes. I'll be gone, too, very, very soon. Away from this sad, bleak, utopian, sham city.

TED
What are you going to do?

BOOFIE
I think I just may do what every laid-off, lost and confused, mid-twentysomething who lives in San Francisco does.

TED
What's that?

BOOFIE
Go to graduate school. Take care of yourself, Ted. Remember, whatever you do, use lots of lube.

She exits.

TED
Yeah, that's fine. I'll just find another job! I'll just find another best friend. I'll find a lover too! I'm fine. I'm doing fine, thank you very much!

A Much-Needed Burrito

Blackout. Music plays.

The lights rise. TED is sitting in a chair, looking not so good.

Blackout. Lights up and TED is still sitting in the chair, mumbling to himself. A little more junk on the stage.

Blackout. Lights up. More candy wrappers and twinkies on stage. TED has a giant bowl of Cocoa Puffs which he eats slowly with a large spoon.

Blackout. Lights up on TED holding an Abercrombie and Fitch bag. He stares at it. He starts passionately making out with the male model on the bag.

Blackout. Lights up on TED, who intensely reads a brochure brightly labeled "Starting Again with the Peace Corps."

Blackout. The lights rise on TED's apartment. Trash is everywhere: pizza boxes, Chinese takeout, maybe some porn magazines. The phone rings somewhere under the pile of junk. TED emerges in an ugly bathrobe. He's tired. He looks around for the phone. He finds the phone.

TED
Hello? Oh. hi... No you are not... I'm sorry, you were only my daddy last night! Do not call me again! You're not really a priest, are you!?

He hangs up the phone.

It's been a few weeks since Linda left me and I was ejected from the new economy. I haven't left my apartment. I just watch pornography, eat takeout, and narrate my own play. And to make things worse, the landlord now wants to give the apartment back to a low-income family! Linda has yet to call and apologize. She had to leave at the worst time. Nobody wants to be with me. Except for the fine ladies at the Psychic Friends network. I love Crystal. She's my new best friend, and for only $3.99 a minute! Yesterday, she told me she had this strong sense that I would have a jarring encounter from my past very soon, like maybe even today, and that I really needed to prepare myself. I was totally going to prepare, but then I just masturbated to a Web cam instead.

There is a knock on the door.

Oh God, I hope that's not the landlord. Ooo! Maybe its Linda at last coming to apologize for calling me a selfish person and ready to return and take care of me. Yes. OK. I need to put on my wounded face.

There is another knock.

Just a minute.

He puts on his wounded face.

OK, I'm ready. Act pained.

He walks to the door. Pauses a moment and then opens it. It's JAN.

TED
Jan!

JAN
Ted!

pause

TED
Jan!

JAN
Ted.

TED
Jan!

pause

JAN
Ted.

pause, and then uttered very quickly

TED
Jan.

JAN
Ted?

TED
Jan.

JAN
Stop it.

TED
Sorry. Please, come in, I just... I just can't believe its really...

He faints.

JAN
Are you all right?

TED
(after a little pause) Yeah. I didn't faint. Just a brief sudden unexpected nap, really, not really any major...oh golly lord Allah...

JAN
Well, at least you didn't pee.

pause

That was a joke.

TED
Oh. Right. HA! That was funny. Ha ha. Thank God I'm wearing my Depends today.

He pinches JAN.

JAN
Ow.

TED
OK. You're not a figment.

JAN
You're acting weird.

TED
What? Oh. Shit! Sorry. I'd blame it on crack, but I don't use crack. Holy SHIT!

JAN
What?

TED
I look horrible! My god, Jan, I usually look so much better. In fact, I've been told several times by homeless people asking for money that I am the hottest guy in San Francisco.

JAN
Oh.

TED
Yeah, things are so great here for me. Great job, great friends and its a never-ending sex and love party. I'm in love with a different guy, and a different sexual position every week. Last week was "party bottom week" for me. I had this incredible boyfriend, and he was a party top and we just topped and bottomed and partied. HOLY SHIT!

JAN
What?

TED
I'm totally lying.

JAN
Are you sure you're all right?

TED slaps himself.

TED
Oh, yeah! Yeah totally no problem absolutely holy goodness the world is a beautiful touching place of glory isn't it? I'm going to shut up now. How are you? What are you doing here?

JAN
I'm moving here.

TED
(squealing a little high pitched) Ahhh!

TED briefly faints again.

TED
Whoa. Sorry. I must be tired.

JAN
I work for this investment banking firm, and they want me come out here and deal with their tech sector accounts.

TED
Oh, how neat.

JAN
Yeah, the tech sector is totally this limitless source for happiness and profits.

TED
Oh, totally, that's one iron-clad bubble. So you're gonna be living here?

JAN
Yeah.

TED
Did you want me to move to the East Coast? Because that's asking a bit too much.

JAN
No.

TED
Oh, good. Well...you should be a hit with the ladies. There are only 12 other straight men in the entire city, so you'll be able to date lots and lots of desperate lonely women...

JAN
I'm not straight.

TED
Oh. Right. That's true, I guess it always did bend to the right a bit when you were...

JAN
No. Like...I'm gay. For real this time.

TED
But, what about all your heterosexual dreams?

JAN
I tried. I really wanted to be straight. I wanted to get married, have some kids, and I enjoyed hanging out with straight guys. You know, engaging in platonic activities like sailing, rowing crew, drinking beer and watching soft-core pornography in a hotel room with 10 random strangers who met through a chat room.

TED
Did you date any women?

JAN
A few. They were...cool. They were pretty amazing people, really smart, fun, boyish. I was into the boobs a lot.

TED
Who isn't?

JAN
But none of them really worked out.

TED
The boobs?

JAN
The relationships. Something wasn't there.

TED
A penis.

JAN
That feeling right here. That feeling in the chest, where it feels like your ribs are tingling, compressing, like your soul is being massaged with a woodwind cleaner.

TED
I know that feeling.

JAN
Yeah.

TED
I haven't had that feeling in a long time.

JAN
Me neither.

pause

JAN
I brought you something.

TED
Oh.

JAN hands TED a rolled up t-shirt. Pause.

JAN
It's a shirt.

TED
Yeah. It is a shirt.

JAN
I made it. I make shirts sometimes.

TED
Oh. Thanks. Thanks for the shirt, Jan. I'm sorry, is this an apology present for breaking up with me? Because if it is, it's too little too late. I think the going standard for apology present is 20 dollars per month of the relationship. So, really, you should be giving me a whole designer outfit, or a '77 Chevy Caprice.

JAN
Open the shirt.

TED unfolds the shirt. He reads the front of the shirt and gasps. He turns it to the audience. It says, "Jan loves Ted."

TED
Jan loves Ted?

JAN
Yeah.

TED
Jan... loves... Ted?

JAN
Yeah.

TED
You printed this on a shirt?

JAN
I didn't know if I'd be able to say it. So I printed it out. As an ice breaker, you know?

TED
Oh. My God. I don't know what to say. This is...this is... really... tacky.

JAN
Well you don't have to wear it.

TED
Is this a joke, or do you really want me to pee in my pants?

JAN
It's not a joke. I had an epiphany.

TED
You need a tissue?

JAN
Not that kind. Two months ago. I was out at this bar in the East Village, Vinyl Studio Project 57, with almost all the friends I had made since school: Chet, Sandy, Trev, Bo, Cassie, Jenna, Paulie, Mo, Max, Sammie, and Mr. Peeps.

TED
Mr. Peeps?

JAN
This exhibitionist neighbor who followed me everywhere at a moderate distance, but that's not important. We were all there: Drinking, talking NASDAQ, telling our favorite percentage yield jokes, and I was pretty toasted.

And, maybe it was the Captain Morgan's, but this weird feeling came over me, a tingling. Like the way a volcano feels before it erupts probably. I looked around at this fuzzy group of people, my closest friends, blabbing loudly and spinning in my brain, and the feeling just grew and grew. I started to laugh. I banged a bar stool on the ground, whooped loudly, until everyone at the bar was looking at me. And in my full singing voice, I shouted "This sucks!" And then I started crying, and my stomach caved in. My friends scattered. Then I threw up. Then I thought of you.

TED
Oh. And did Mr. Peeps stop following you after that?

JAN
Stop trying to be witty. I'm trying to tell you I felt really alone. I realized the last two years have been a joke. That I hate myself, what I've become, that I hate what I did to you. That college and being with you was the best time of my life, and I want it back. Ted, I'm sorry... I'm so sorry I did what I did to you.

TED
It's called dumping, Jan.

JAN
Right. I made a mistake. I... love you. I think we should get back together. We could date again, and then if stuff is as great as it was, maybe we could, I dunno, live together, spend the rest of our lives together or something cool like that. What do you think?

TED
Let me recap here. You're moving out to San Francisco, you've realized for the second time you're not heterosexual, and that you've been in with love me all this time, are tired of hiding it, and want to be together with me for the rest of your life?

JAN
Yeah.

TED
Well, shit. That's my fantasy, Jan. I've worked 120 hours a week, tried to be monk then later a slut to make my brain too tired to stop thinking about you.

JAN
How slutty?

TED
And now you're telling me my dream will become come true?

JAN
It can. I want it to. If you still love me. Do you?

TED thinks.

TED
Yes I do.

JAN
I knew it.

TED
I'm still in love with you.

JAN
So...That's great...This is great.

TED
It's made me miserable, annoying, and a horrible friend.

JAN
Well, we can work through it.

TED
I just need to accept it.

JAN
Yeah.

TED
Embrace it, and let it flow out. Then I can move on.

JAN
We can move on. Together.

TED puts his hands on JAN's shoulders, his eyes seem to be full of something. He speaks tenderly.

TED
Jan, there's no chance in hell I'm going to get back together with you.

JAN
Excuse me?

TED
I'm sorry, did I just say that? I didn't mean to say that at all. Wow. What I totally meant to say was: How dare you come here, throw an "I love you" shirt at me and expect me to come running back at you with thighs wide open? Just because you realized you've been a liar for two years.

JAN
But, you said you still love me.

TED
I know, you turd! But, I don't think it's you. It's a different Jan, the Jan I made in my personal version of Weird Science. It's crazy. I'm 24 and I think that the best thing possible, the best man possible, has already happened. And all that's left in life is going to pale in comparison. I met Mr. Right and Mr. Right dumped me. So I might as well just lower my standards and expectations, and just go out and there and fuck any guy who sustains eye contact, because the best is over, the world sucks, and I'm over the hill. I am sick of dwelling in the past and remembering you as the best thing to ever happen in my life, and that we shared our best years together. I want some better best years. Certainly they have to be better than these last years I spent in love with you.

JAN
You're not making much sense.

TED
I know. I know. Maybe the playwright doesn't know how to express what he's trying to say right now.

JAN
Hey. Don't blame this on someone else.

TED
But... Yeah I know.

JAN
I guess this was a mistake.

TED
Maybe.

JAN
I thought you'd understand. I thought we had a history.

TED
We did. We did.

JAN
I... I don't know what to say.

TED
How about... Goodbye?

JAN
Excuse..

TED
Yes how about saying that? Now.

pause

JAN
Goodbye.

He looks out, and then down. Some music plays. Coldplay's "High Speed" is pretty nice. He starts to pick up some of the junk off the floor, starting to clean up as the lights fade out.

Fade to a spot on JAN standing on the street. He looks at the shirt, and then throws it away. He wipes a tear from his eyes. He tries to decide which way to walk, chooses away and disappears into the darkness.

Fade up on LINDA standing outside smoking a cigarette. It's a cold night. She looks up at the sky, but can't see too many stars except for a few. We see TED appear in the darkness. LINDA sees TED.

TED
Hi.

LINDA
Hi.

pause

TED
I miss you so much.

LINDA
I know.

TED
I'm so lonely. I really need you.

LINDA
I know.

TED
Am I too late?

LINDA
It's only 9:45.

TED
I'm sorry.

LINDA
Come here, you big lug.

They embrace warmly.

TED
That was so nice. So emotional. So genuine.

LINDA
Not very gen-x at all.

TED
No irony whatsoever.

LINDA
Just two lonely souls desperate to connect to something.

TED
Well now you just made it ironic.

LINDA
That wasn't ironic. That was cynical.

TED
Oh.

LINDA
There's a difference, biology major.

TED
I know! I took a postmodernism class. Jeez.

pause

So, how's everything with Ketel?

LINDA
She moved.

TED
What? No!

LINDA
Yeah, she said she's "tired of all the San Francisco bullshit." She "needs to live in a place where people are serious about life."

TED
Where's she going?

LINDA
Los Angeles.

TED
There's a really good joke there, I just know it. Are you OK?

LINDA
Not really.

TED
If you want to talk...

LINDA
That's the first time you've offered since 1998. I'd like that. What happened to you?

TED
I dumped Jan.

LINDA
What?

TED
Long story, but the first step to getting over addiction is accepting you have one, right?

LINDA
So they say.

TED
Plus he was not looking so good when he came by. Bloated. I'm ready to move on.

LINDA
Thank God.

TED
So, where do we go? We've been laid off, no love interest, and no real friends or roots.

LINDA
Except for each other.

TED
Where do we go next?

LINDA
Why don't we stay here?

TED
Long term?

LINDA
Maybe.

TED
I don't know. I'm scared of commitment.

LINDA
I'm scared of looking at my life and realizing I've done absolutely nothing of value.

TED
Touché.

LINDA
We don't have permanent jobs. We never call a bar our favorite for longer than 4 months. Rarely does anyone make it past 3 dates. And we can't be even be sure of the city we live in. There's always something else better out there waiting for us to find it: A better job, a better city, a better lover.

TED
Well, I don't have a job, I'm tired of "The Makeup Martini Shack," Muni sucks ass, and I can't find a decent man who does! So, yes, I'm still looking because maybe something is better out there.

LINDA
But we're just going to go through life being dissatisfied and jaded.

TED
Yeah.

LINDA
That sucks.

TED
That, in a nutshell, is our generation's philosophy on everything in the world.

LINDA
You don't think we're just being selfish and spoiled?

TED
Well, yeah. When are you just going to accept and embrace the way we were raised, Linda?

LINDA
But didn't you...we learn something in these last couple years, which feels now like 100 minutes plus a ten minute intermission, Ted? Wasn't that the whole point of having a whole play about your life? Weren't you supposed to come to a conclusion that will lead to a more fulfilling existence?

TED
I did!

LINDA
What?

TED
That you're my best friend and I don't want to lose you and there's nothing more important than that.

LINDA
Aw.

TED
That I do want something more out my life.

LINDA
That's pretty good.

TED
And that there are no really good gay bars in San Francisco.

LINDA
At least you have a choice of bars.

TED
I'm glad you're here.

LINDA
I'm glad you're here, too.

TED
You know, if I weren't gay, we'd be married right now.

LINDA
Ted.

TED
Yeah?

LINDA
Don't spoil the moment.

TED
Fine, fine. Sorry. I just...

LINDA
What?

TED
I just wanted to say I'm ready.

LINDA
For what?

TED
Whatever. I don't know. The next act?

LINDA
(to audience) Please, do not panic. You will not be seeing the next act this evening. I think we've all had enough of Ted for a while.

TED
I thought you didn't want to narrate anymore.

LINDA
Well, I saw some worried faces out there. And the play's almost over. We need to wrap this up.

TED
Yep, just three more lines after this one until we do it all again tomorrow night.

LINDA
Don't remind me.

pause

LINDA
Do you want to get a burrito?

TED
Oh, yeah.

Lights fade out quickly.

End of Play

Table of Contents:   Meaningless

Peter Nachtrieb is a San Francisco Bay Area-based playwright, actor, and director. His solo show The Amorphous Blob, which he wrote and performed, was seen at San Francisco's Venue 9 in 1997 and at the Seattle Fringe Festival in 1998. His short play, Self Help, received the 2000 Emerging Playwright Award from Playground Theater Company in San Francisco. He is a frequent sketch comedy writer for the very popular San Francisco performance group Killing My Lobster. He has written two one-act plays, Thread and Multiplex. Meaningless his first full-length play.

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