Lodestar Quarterly

Issue 19 • Fall 2006 • Featured Writer • Drama

syzygy

Michael Griffo

Scene 3

LYNDON WAKEFIELD, 45, and BOBBY are standing on opposite sides of the stage in spotlights. LYNDON is well-spoken and very professional, but can transform into a sissy queen in seconds. They are at their jobs, talking to each other on the phone, but they are neither seated nor talking into phones. We hear background 'work chatter' (i.e., phones ringing, Xerox machines running etc.) throughout the scene.

LYNDON

Let me expound, if I may. Are you as certain as Gloria Swanson was that she would win an Oscar for Sunset Boulevard? Or as certain as Shirley MacLaine that she would rise above the thunder that was once Debra Winger?

BOBBY

I've entered the "no-choice" zone, you know that.

LYNDON

You can always ask for a refund.

BOBBY

I am certain.

LYNDON

As which silver screentress? Tell me, are you Gloria or Shirley?

BOBBY
(TO AN UNSEEN CO-WORKER.)

He should have them already, they were overnighted to the factory last night. Yes, I'm sure.

LYNDON

So you're going with Shirley?

BOBBY

Oh ... for God's sake ... Gloria.

LYNDON

Hmmm. You do realize Ms. Swanson lost to that upstart Judy Holliday and wound up playing herself in Airport '75?

BOBBY

Stop playing celebrity! I've tried everything else to help him!

LYNDON

Darling don't yell, you're on speaker. And where is it written that you must keep trying to break Alex of his habits?

BOBBY

Lyndon, he's my best friend.

LYNDON

I bumped into my best friend the other day.

BOBBY
(SARCASTICALLY)

Which one?

LYNDON

Hans Wülderhoven.

BOBBY

The boyfriend from your monastery days?

LYNDON

(TO HIS UNSEEN ASSISTANT) Gracias, Esteban. (TO BOBBY) None other. Oh, how I envied Hans. He has an umlaut in his name, you know. I always wanted an umlaut. Do you envy Alex?

BOBBY

No.

LYNDON

Despise/envy, love/hate, Madonna/Cyndi Lauper.

BOBBY

I don't despise ... or envy Alex.

LYNDON

You only want to fumigate him. (TO AN UNSEEN ASSISTANT) Esteban! This copy is dreadful. Rewrite, rewrite, rápidamente. (TO BOBBY) Bobby, never hire with your dick.

BOBBY

It's my motto. And in what language does "to help" mean "to fumigate?"

LYNDON

Swahili. Now you're absolutely, positively certain, and not in a self-righteous, jaw-dropping, Dominick Dunne sort of way, that you want to confront Alex about his ... hobbies?

BOBBY

Why the third degree? You know Alex ... and you know this isn't a phase.

LYNDON

Unfortunately.

BOBBY

So you know I'm not being impulsive.

LYNDON

Bobby, honey, impulsivity is the next-door neighbor to uncertainty ... and uncertainty will get you into trouble. Just ask Gloria. I know you've thought this out ... alas, you think everything out ... but have you thought this out to its proper conclusion?

BOBBY

Yes! If we all create a We-Are-The-World type of united front, Alex will have no choice but to admit he has a problem.

LYNDON

But do you realize that Alex may not be able to accept your help and at the end of this party your relationship will be beyond even the help Live Aid can offer.

BOBBY

Less hyperbole. More support.

LYNDON

If you want my support, you must also have my concern ... this may very well blow up in your face.

BOBBY
(DEEP BREATH)

Alex has changed so much.

LYNDON

That's because you've been looking at him since first grade.

BOBBY

So?

LYNDON

That's a very long time to stare at one person.

BOBBY

I know (PAUSE) So I can count on you? No more hedging.

LYNDON

I will be there.

BOBBY

Great. Charlie and Joette already confirmed.

LYNDON

Some guest list.

BOBBY

Alex and I don't have a lot of friends in common anymore.

LYNDON

You and Alex have very little of anything in common these days.

BOBBY

We share the same beginning, that's the most important thing.

LYNDON

I just hope you realize that Alex is ... oh, he's a wildcat, Bobby ... a wildcat.

BOBBY

Which doesn't mean it's going to get ugly.

LYNDON

(BEAT) Oh, but Bobby it will. And unlike you, Alex does ugly very well.

BLACKOUT

Next Page:   Act , Scene 4   (page 5 of 11 pages)

All Pages:   See the entire play on one page

Table of Contents:   syzygy

Michael Griffo's plays include No More Sundays, winner of the New Jersey Perry Award, and Two/Pieces. His ten-minute plays include "Cloudy" and "5G/10B," both to be published in winter 2007 in The Best Ten-Minute Plays 2005 (Smith & Kraus). Mr. Griffo graduated from New York University and studied at Playwrights Horizons and Gotham Writers Workshop. He is represented by ICM (bthomas@icmtalent.com) for theatre and The Evan Marshall Agency (evanmarshall@thenovelist.com) for literature. Contact Michael at michaelgriffo@hotmail.com.

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