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Issue 19 • Fall 2006 • Featured Writer • Drama
syzygyMichael GriffoCast
Bobby Dean Biazzo
Alex McFadden
Lyndon Wakefield
Charlie Delancey
Joette Cappeletti
Bettina O'Reilly
Renaldo
Marjoe Tejada
Waiter Naked Man PlaceNew York City TimeThe Present and the Past Act 1Scene 1If the stage has a curtain, this scene should be played in front of it. Otherwise, it should be played on the lip of the stage. BOBBY DEAN BIAZZO, 36, enters SL and stops center stage. He is hit with a spotlight. In this scene he is six years old, but he doesn't need to act like a child or speak in a child's voice, just embody a child. He is standing still, looking straight at the audience, waiting. VOICE ON LOUDSPEAKER Attention Huber Street Elementary School first period gym class. Let the dodge ball game begin! Immediately, BOBBY shuts his eyes tight and pulls his arms closer into his body. We hear gym noises: kids yelling, sneakers scuffing, balls swooshing by and hitting a wall. After a few seconds ALEX McFADDEN, 36, enters SR. He is also an adult playing a six-year-old. ALEX is unaffected by the noise, but looking at the other team and every few seconds he shifts his weight to avoid being hit by a ball. While he moves, he has one eye on BOBBY. ALEX You're supposed to dodge the balls.
BOBBY
No use. They'll get me. BOBBY opens one eye, just a bit, squints at Alex and then whispers loudly: They always do. ALEX Yuh-huh. If you don't move. BOBBY If I move ... they'll throw harder. Almost over ... I always go down first. ALEX stops moving and then stands in front of BOBBY. We immediately hear a thwacking sound -- a ball hitting a person. ALEX flinches, and all the background sounds stop.
BOBBY
You took the hit for me. ALEX And now you owe me. What's your name? BOBBY Bobby Dean. ALEX I'm Alex. From now on Bobby Dean, you're gonna be my best friend.
BOBBY
Sure. ALEX and BOBBY stare at each other. ALEX smiles and after a moment BOBBY does too. Their smiles are interrupted by another thwacking sound. BOBBY falls over as if he's been hit by a ball. BLACKOUT Scene 2The present. The set needs to be multi-functional to suggest several locations and the set pieces should look modern in their design. It's morning in BOBBY and ALEX's apartment. There are three doors, one SL, one SR, and one Up Center; a couch or a few chairs close together, SL; and a small kitchen table or some kind of flat surface, SR. At rise, BOBBY is dressed for work in a trendy black outfit with an orange messenger bag slung over his shoulder. He is rushing to leave for work and whips open the UC door. ALEX, who has been leaning on the door, stumbles into the apartment. He is disheveled, hung over, and holding something in his hand that we can't see. They are both surprised to see each other. ALEX You're still here. BOBBY Running late. ALEX Me, too. BOBBY Just coming in? ALEX No. No, no, no. (PAUSE) I was resting. Thought I lost my keys, but (HE OPENS HIS HAND TO REVEAL HIS KEYS AND LAUGHS) they were here all along. BOBBY I'm gonna be late. ALEX Go! Go ... wherever it is you go to. BOBBY It's called a job. (PAUSING AT THE DOOR) Going to yours today? ALEX rushes over to the table and takes a vial of cocaine and a small straw out of his pants pocket. He draws some coke lines on the table. ALEX Yeah. Why not? Just need a shower ... and some breakfast.
BOBBY
Have a good day. ALEX starts to snort the lines of coke through the straw. BOBBY watches for a second, then exits.
ALEX
No can do, Bobby. I'm gonna have a great day. BLACKOUT Scene 3LYNDON WAKEFIELD, 45, and BOBBY are standing on opposite sides of the stage in spotlights. LYNDON is well-spoken and very professional, but can transform into a sissy queen in seconds. They are at their jobs, talking to each other on the phone, but they are neither seated nor talking into phones. We hear background 'work chatter' (i.e., phones ringing, Xerox machines running etc.) throughout the scene. LYNDON Let me expound, if I may. Are you as certain as Gloria Swanson was that she would win an Oscar for Sunset Boulevard? Or as certain as Shirley MacLaine that she would rise above the thunder that was once Debra Winger? BOBBY I've entered the "no-choice" zone, you know that. LYNDON You can always ask for a refund. BOBBY I am certain. LYNDON As which silver screentress? Tell me, are you Gloria or Shirley?
BOBBY
He should have them already, they were overnighted to the factory last night. Yes, I'm sure. LYNDON So you're going with Shirley? BOBBY Oh ... for God's sake ... Gloria. LYNDON Hmmm. You do realize Ms. Swanson lost to that upstart Judy Holliday and wound up playing herself in Airport '75? BOBBY Stop playing celebrity! I've tried everything else to help him! LYNDON Darling don't yell, you're on speaker. And where is it written that you must keep trying to break Alex of his habits? BOBBY Lyndon, he's my best friend. LYNDON I bumped into my best friend the other day.
BOBBY
Which one? LYNDON Hans Wülderhoven. BOBBY The boyfriend from your monastery days? LYNDON (TO HIS UNSEEN ASSISTANT) Gracias, Esteban. (TO BOBBY) None other. Oh, how I envied Hans. He has an umlaut in his name, you know. I always wanted an umlaut. Do you envy Alex? BOBBY No. LYNDON Despise/envy, love/hate, Madonna/Cyndi Lauper. BOBBY I don't despise ... or envy Alex. LYNDON You only want to fumigate him. (TO AN UNSEEN ASSISTANT) Esteban! This copy is dreadful. Rewrite, rewrite, rápidamente. (TO BOBBY) Bobby, never hire with your dick. BOBBY It's my motto. And in what language does "to help" mean "to fumigate?" LYNDON Swahili. Now you're absolutely, positively certain, and not in a self-righteous, jaw-dropping, Dominick Dunne sort of way, that you want to confront Alex about his ... hobbies? BOBBY Why the third degree? You know Alex ... and you know this isn't a phase. LYNDON Unfortunately. BOBBY So you know I'm not being impulsive. LYNDON Bobby, honey, impulsivity is the next-door neighbor to uncertainty ... and uncertainty will get you into trouble. Just ask Gloria. I know you've thought this out ... alas, you think everything out ... but have you thought this out to its proper conclusion? BOBBY Yes! If we all create a We-Are-The-World type of united front, Alex will have no choice but to admit he has a problem. LYNDON But do you realize that Alex may not be able to accept your help and at the end of this party your relationship will be beyond even the help Live Aid can offer. BOBBY Less hyperbole. More support. LYNDON If you want my support, you must also have my concern ... this may very well blow up in your face.
BOBBY
Alex has changed so much. LYNDON That's because you've been looking at him since first grade. BOBBY So? LYNDON That's a very long time to stare at one person. BOBBY I know (PAUSE) So I can count on you? No more hedging. LYNDON I will be there. BOBBY Great. Charlie and Joette already confirmed. LYNDON Some guest list. BOBBY Alex and I don't have a lot of friends in common anymore. LYNDON You and Alex have very little of anything in common these days. BOBBY We share the same beginning, that's the most important thing. LYNDON I just hope you realize that Alex is ... oh, he's a wildcat, Bobby ... a wildcat. BOBBY Which doesn't mean it's going to get ugly. LYNDON (BEAT) Oh, but Bobby it will. And unlike you, Alex does ugly very well. BLACKOUT Scene 4The past. ALEX and BOBBY appear in a spotlight center stage. They are about ten years old talking to an unseen person. Again, they don't act like young boys; they only embody their emotional life. ALEX Who's the biggest ugly in the fourth grade? Ugly Dougly, that's who! And I'm warning you, Dougly, if ya don't shut up I'll throw a rock at you, right at your big ... BOBBY Alex! ALEX Fat ... BOBBY Don't! ALEX Ugly Dugly face! And then kick you, and take my black magic marker and draw on your dungarees! BOBBY You don't have to do this. ALEX Yes I do. (TO DOUGIE) Bobby is not a sissy. He's smart. Smarter than you ... smarter than all of us. I'm warning you, Dougie. Don't you say another word! BOBBY Alex!
ALEX
Now who's crying like a sissy?! BLACKOUT Scene 5JOETTE CAPPELETTI, 39, and BOBBY are in his apartment. JOETTE is Italian, chunky, opinionated, intelligent, and trying hard not to be a bitter New Yorker. BOBBY is nervous and pacing. JOETTE is sitting and nibbling a peppermint pattie. JOETTE I am not a sissy! I'm savvy. Alex won't be cooperative. BOBBY He can be objective. JOETTE Alex can be vindictive, dismissive, corrosive ... depending on the drug du jour, of course. BOBBY Don't be nasty. JOETTE You're the one who complains about Alex's quest for revenge, his natural tendency toward rage, his unnatural commitment to swipe back at those who've done him wrong? BOBBY You make him sound like Tammy Wynette stuck in a Greek tragedy. He's not that unreasonable. JOETTE But he's not good with strangers, y'all. BOBBY Sure he is. JOETTE Remember the Wal-Mart incident? BOBBY That was different.
JOETTE Remember ... the ... Wal-Mart ... incident! BOBBY That wasn't entirely his fault and you know it. JOETTE The woman had a seeing-eye dog, for Christ's sakes! BOBBY Who got turned on by Alex's cologne. JOETTE And to get even, Alex led the woman to the toy section and switched her dog with a stuffed giraffe. (STARTING TO LAUGH.) I can still hear that poor blind woman's screams. "My dog! Dear God, something's wrong with his neck!" (TRYING TO BE SERIOUS, BUT STILL LAUGHING.) It was reprehensible. BOBBY You know it was funny. JOETTE He shows no kindness to strangers. BOBBY This stranger won't be kind. He'll be tough, and with him on our side we'll be tougher and more effective. JOETTE Bobby, I don't like it. This whole scheme of yours is risky to begin with. BOBBY It's not a scheme. JOETTE Scheme ... party ... dialogue ... whatever euphemism you choose, this "intervention" is a risky endeavor. Have you even done any research on the subject? BOBBY Yes. A little. JOETTE Bobby, interventions are delicate. Do I have permission to speak "gay"? BOBBY nods dramatically. JOETTE (CONT'D) Thank you. Staging an intervention is like baking an emotional soufflé. The end result could be all light and airy like a PAX TV movie, but if you turn the flames up too high, let's just say you could spend the next few years scraping Alex off from the inside of your oven. BOBBY That's why we need a professional in attendance. JOETTE And have you checked out this professional's credentials? BOBBY The Center highly recommends him. JOETTE Sorry, I'm still not convinced. BOBBY Joette, stop being so obstinate. JOETTE As the obligatory straight girl in this fairy tale, someone has to listen to reason. And I wish you would listen to Mister Reason as well, cut your losses and move in with me. I just bought a new futon cover. In orange and pink -- your favorites. BOBBY Maybe ... I have to do something, but first Alex needs my help. JOETTE Need isn't a prerequisite for action. BOBBY You know how I feel about him. JOETTE Yes I do. BOBBY It's ... complicated. JOETTE Not when you examine it. Imagine if you will, that Alex is this Peppermint Pattie. BOBBY Not another hetero homily. JOETTE No, I'm still speaking gay. According to its label the peppermint pattie is a low fat food. It tastes good, and it's good for you. An edible emblem of optimism. Similarly, Alex's exterior is polished, glossy. It looks good; it should be good for you. But delve deeper and you'll see that while the peppermint pattie is only three inches in diameter, it contains 25 grams of sugar. I may not gain a pound, but too much of the pattie and I'll go into irreversible sugar shock. Likewise, upon further inspection, Alex's internal polish is cracked beyond repair, his gloss is actually bile, and extended exposure to his poison can affect one's mental well-being. In summation, being around Alex isn't healthy. BOBBY I know you can get jealous of him ... JOETTE I am not jealous of that tragedy-in-waiting. BOBBY Don't be so self-righteous. You're Alex's friend, too. JOETTE No, I'm not. I don't want to see him face down in the gutter from an overdose. Again. But I am certainly not his friend. BOBBY Well just be here tomorrow night wearing your supportive outfit. It still fits, doesn't it? JOETTE Um, yes it does, Señor Fagabitch. But my support will go unnoticed if you invite a stranger to spout interventionist jargon while Alex tries to celebrate his 37th birthday with a drink in one hand, a pill in the other, and a whore on his third. (BEAT) Why can't his family help? BOBBY They dropped their supportive outfits at the cleaners years ago and never bothered to pick them up. This is the answer. JOETTE Or just another attempt to avoid the inevitable demise of your friendship? BOBBY I wouldn't expect you to understand. JOETTE Don't misinterpret my interpretation of the facts as proof that I don't understand. I know exactly what's going on. BOBBY No, you don't. You don't get it, and I'm glad you don't. It's different for you. JOETTE Not again! BOBBY It's true. JOETTE Do not open your closet and drag out the gay-straight cultural dichotomy. It is a non-issue. BOBBY For you it is. You don't know what it's like. JOETTE Stop the social reactionism. Women were fighting glass ceilings long before gay men decided they'd be a great place to hang fairy lights. Everybody gets disappointed. BOBBY I'm not talking about you as a representative of feminism; I'm talking about you as you. You've set your sights, and you've surpassed them. Despite being home-schooled by a mother who believed the kids on Zoom were disciples of Charles Manson. JOETTE Some people still consider Zoom's approach to teaching multiplication tables a tad controversial. BOBBY You don't know what it's like to look ahead and see ... things you never thought you would have to see. JOETTE What Alex sees ahead of him are the results of the foundation he's laid. Not to mention the thousands of nameless, faceless men he's laid during his lifetime. Just like Mister Manson, he's got a case of fatal narcissism. BOBBY Isms aside, just promise me you'll be here. ALEX enters the room from the SL door. For a moment there is silence as JOETTE stands directly between the two on the same plane. However, she and ALEX don't see each other. JOETTE Bobby Dean, have I ever said no to you before? JOETTE exits through the UC door; she and ALEX never acknowledge each other. ALEX is wearing loose-fitting camouflage pants and a tight t-shirt. He indicates his outfit. ALEX Yes? BOBBY Sure. The lights shift and ALEX and BOBBY sit at the kitchen table as a WAITER enters SR carrying an open bottle of red wine and two glasses. ALEX sits on the SR side of the table and BOBBY is SL. They're now in a restaurant. The WAITER stands between them. He is gay, young, and very sexy. Ignoring BOBBY, the WAITER pours some wine into ALEX's glass. As ALEX takes a sip, the two men stare at each other longingly. ALEX Yummy. WAITER How's the wine? ALEX smiles even more lasciviously as the WAITER refills his glass and puts the bottle on the table. WAITER (CONT'D) I'll be back for your order. The WAITER exits SR. BOBBY (PAUSE) I'll pour my own wine, thank you very much! ALEX He is hot. BOBBY And a brilliant sommelier. ALEX He's a waiter in Chelsea. All he has to do is flirt and wear lycra. BOBBY And be able to fill a glass with wine. ALEX Oh, fill your own glass. You're such a mess. BOBBY (PAUSE) I'm a mess?! ALEX Can our annual pre-birthday just-you-and-me dinner be enjoyable this year? BOBBY Sorry. ALEX Take some of this. BOBBY What? ALEX Tina. (A LA GRETA GARBO.) She vants to be your friend. BOBBY Put that away! Do you want to spend your birthday in jail? ALEX Well ... (HE GRINS) C'mon, look where we are ... Tina's on the menu. BOBBY Can't you ... (BEAT) Oh, just forget it. ALEX Can't I what? BOBBY Get through a meal without ... ALEX I like my appetizers. Now shut up and tell me about my birthday surprise. BOBBY It's a secret. ALEX Oh fess up! It's my party and I want to know what the surprise is all about. BOBBY No. You'll just have to wait and be ... surprised. ALEX (BEAT) It's a sex party! BOBBY No. ALEX Yes it is! Let's invite the waiter. BOBBY It is not a sex party. ALEX I don't believe you. BOBBY Joette's coming. ALEX Every sex party needs a virgin sacrifice. BOBBY Shut up! ALEX Give me a hint. Is it a theme party? BOBBY Sort of. ALEX Is it going to be visually distracting? You do love clutter. BOBBY No. And Country Chic has a certain element of disarray. ALEX It's called clutter and you love it. So as you decorate for my party remember that the crystal can put me into sensory overload. BOBBY Enough with the crystal! (BEAT) Alex, you've really gotten out of hand. ALEX Stop nagging me or I'll leave. BOBBY I'm just suggesting that you ... take responsibility. The WAITER enters SR. ALEX The only thing I want to take is our waiter's dick up my ass. WAITER Someone need me? ALEX You see, a good waiter always knows how to please his customer. WAITER And vice versa. (HE NODS TO THE CRYSTAL.) Wanna share? ALEX Sure, have some. ALEX gives the WAITER the pack of crystal. WAITER Thanks. Have some more wine. The WAITER refills ALEX's wine glass, but once again forgets about BOBBY. WAITER (CONT'D) Be right back for your order. BOBBY I have a question about the scampi! The WAITER starts to exit SL as CHARLIE DELANCEY, 36, and LYNDON enter from the SL door. They don't acknowledge each other as the WAITER exits through the same door and leaves it ajar. CHARLIE isn't great looking, but wears expensive clothes and glasses and has a trendy haircut in order to blend in with all the other gay men in Chelsea. He is carrying a box filled with liquor bottles. He places it on the floor as LYNDON picks up the phone and dials a number. ALEX I have to pee. ALEX crosses to the SL door, but doesn't acknowledge LYNDON or CHARLIE. They are not in the same space. BOBBY's cellphone rings just as ALEX exits through the SL door. BOBBY Hello.
LYNDON
Can you talk? BOBBY Hurry, Alex is in the bathroom. LYNDON puts the phone on speaker. LYNDON We're here. CHARLIE Hi, Bobby! BOBBY Hey, Charlie. I really appreciate this. CHARLIE Just call me Charlie Angel. BOBBY Just take the stuff and leave. LYNDON We got the box from Alex's room. Other than the obvious places, where else does he keep his stash?
CHARLIE
Found the scotch! LYNDON (TO CHARLIE) The scotch is mine. CHARLIE Why do you get the scotch? LYNDON Because you don't appreciate (WITH A FRENCH ACCENT) liqueur. CHARLIE I have been to AA. LYNDON Because you're hungry for applause. BOBBY What's going on? LYNDON Charlie's an alcoholic again. CHARLIE Lyndon! You came with me to several AA meetings after my sero-status converted to help curtail my binging. That's where we met Kathie Lee's first publicist. LYNDON And if you had more respect for alcohol you would have become a full-fledged alcoholic. Instead, you insist on adding fruit and other inedible accessories to everything you drink. CHARLIE For jazz, baby. LYNDON Scotch doesn't need jazz, baby, unless it's lost in an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel. BOBBY Hey, Lyndon, I have an idea. Why don't you make believe you and Charlie are still dating and your controlled rage doesn't make an appearance until the weekend? LYNDON I apologize. This situation has me somewhat tense, and as usual Charles has become my emotional whipping boy.
CHARLIE
I understand, Master. LYNDON It's just ... I feel like I have the sphincter of Harrison Ford, I'm tight as a drum. BOBBY Can we focus on how much good we're going to do for Alex? Plus the fact that you guys get some free booze. CHARLIE You know, Lyndon, maybe you should take it all? LYNDON Why? CHARLIE With the HIV, a drink now and again is acceptable, but a liquor cabinet. No, you take it. BOBBY You don't have to drink it, Charlie, just keep it away from Alex. CHARLIE But temptation ... even temporary ... no, I don't want to start drinking heavily again like I did after I tested positive. LYNDON You had two raspberry wine coolers. (PAUSE) And a fruit basket. Will you ever stop playing the HIV card? It's as annoying as Mariah Carey's upper register. CHARLIE Is this another misguided whipping or does my affliction truly offend you? LYNDON Charlie, you're fine. One day your symptoms and side-effects may get worse, and I'll be there for you like I was there for all my friends and ex-lovers who died. But until then, please shut up about it. CHARLIE Out of deference to your history with our community's plague, I will make a concerted effort to be more cautious around you. But I cannot be stifled, Lyndon, I am what I am. LYNDON Save it for the next Jerry Herman revue. (PAUSE) And God knows there'll be another one. BOBBY Okay Mack, Mabel, divvy up the alcohol and go. It has to be out of sight for this to work. CHARLIE Alex really has no idea? BOBBY He thinks it's a regular birthday party ... with some sort of surprise of course. CHARLIE No matter how this turns out, this is a beautiful thing you're doing. Alex needs help and you're the only person in the world he'll listen to. BOBBY You really think he will? CHARLIE I wouldn't be participating if I didn't think so.
LYNDON
Oh, please. CHARLIE Does the Bitch fairy have something she'd like to share with the rest of the class? LYNDON (PAUSE) You're so obvious, Charlie. CHARLIE Obvious? BOBBY Guys don't fight. LYNDON You're participating because Alex and his proclivities make you feel a teensy bit superior. CHARLIE And if it makes you feel superior to whip me with words, then so be it. LYNDON It's the truth. Part of you would love to see Bobby fail. BOBBY Stop it! CHARLIE And what percentage of you would love to see him succeed? BOBBY Hey! I thought we were all on the same side? LYNDON You know I have my doubts. Do we really have the right to confront and question him? BOBBY We've all fucked up ... at one time or another. LYNDON Exactly. So who are we to point a finger? BOBBY We're giving Alex his life back. LYNDON If he wants it back after it's gone through the rinse cycle. CHARLIE Don't listen to Negativa, this will work. CHARLIE EXITS UC. ALEX enters from the SL door and heads back to the table. When he crosses past LYNDON they don't acknowledge each other. LYNDON And if it doesn't, remember there's a world for you outside of Alex. BOBBY Alex's back. I'll talk to you later. LYNDON presses a button on the phone and exits the apartment as ALEX sits at the table. ALEX Who was that? BOBBY My mother. She says Happy Birthday. The WAITER enters from the SL door and heads over to the table. ALEX Now my ass is aquiver. BOBBY Oh, shut up with that. What the hell happened to you in there? WAITER Are you ready to order? ALEX points to the WAITER's crotch. ALEX XYZ. The WAITER notices his fly is open and zips up his pants. WAITER Thanks. ALEX I'll have the penne vodka with chicken. That's a creamy sauce, right? WAITER Very. (HE STARTS TO LEAVE, THEN TURNS BACK.) Oh, and you? BOBBY Does it even matter? WAITER I have other tables, you know. BOBBY (PAUSE) I'll have the same. The WAITER exits SL. BOBBY (CONT'D) You fucked the waiter. ALEX Actually the waiter fucked me. I'm in a very bottom place this month. BOBBY I guess dinner with your friend wasn't enough. ALEX If you weren't so anti-waiter we could've had a three-way. You know how I love to share. BOBBY No thank you. ALEX What's gotten into you? BOBBY You said so yourself. This is our traditional pre-birthday dinner. ALEX So I updated the tradition an inch. Or nine. BOBBY You had sex in the bathroom with ... That ... while you're supposed to be having dinner with me. ALEX What is your point? BOBBY How selfish are you? ALEX I am sure ...That ... will fuck you for dessert. Just give him time to regroup. BOBBY Maybe if you weren't so high you'd see that this is inappropriate. ALEX What's inappropriate is you acting like my boyfriend. BOBBY Don't start with that. ALEX C'mon, you've always wanted a follow-up blow job. Let's go right now, I'll let you blow me one more time and maybe you'll quit annoying the shit out of me. BOBBY Why can't you just ... stop? ALEX Now you sound like your mother. "Stop it, Bobby! Why is this door locked? Oh, my God! Stop doing that!" BOBBY Our one and only sex moment. ALEX Why didn't we ever have another? BOBBY looks directly into ALEX's eyes. It's a serious moment, but then he looks away. ALEX (CONT'D) You can't tell me you haven't thought about a repeat performance. BOBBY (BEAT) No ... I ... ALEX Oh my God, I'm hard just thinking about the possibility. Feel this! BOBBY Stop it! ALEX Close your eyes and get hard with me. BOBBY Alex! ALEX Bobby Dean wants my dick!
BOBBY
I have another memory for you. High school graduation, my backyard. Remember that? ALEX Was there sex involved? BOBBY You know there wasn't. (BEAT) And I know you remember. ALEX Memory Man, stop dwelling on the past. You won't just give in and blow me? BOBBY No. My days of giving in are over. BLACKOUT Scene 6Later that night. BETTINA O'REILLY, 36, appears somewhere in space. She is actually in Europe calling on the phone. She is wild, always "on," a little bit slutty, but a few shades shy of trashy. ALEX (OS) Hey, yo, give it up for Bobby and Alex. We'll get back to you ... whenever. Later.
BETTINA
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday Mr. McFadden. (NOW VERY CLOSE TO SOUNDING LIKE SHE'S HAVING AN ORGASM.) Happy birthday to you! Alex! Where the fuck are you? It's Bettina, your favorite girlfriend who's actually got a twat. Are you out celebrating your birthday a day early? I wish I could be there, but I'm on a layover in Norway for a few days then it's back to Spain ... the life of the modern day stewardess. Damn I wish I wasn't going to miss the fucktivities -- ah! I made up a new dirty word! It's half fuck and half activities! Get it?! Feel free to claim ownership. Do me a favor and keep a birthday journal. You know how I love to hear all about your antics and then reenact them with unsuspecting Europeans. I think it's morning here, but it could be night; these fucks do freaky things with the sun. In any event I need to get laid so I gotta go. I'm sending you a special gift tomorrow night so be prepared if you know what I mean. Wink, wink, flush, flush. Goodbye my partner in sexcrimes, happy birthday and I'll call you tomorrow! BLACKOUT Scene 7BOBBY is at the kitchen table eating cereal and drinking a glass of orange juice for breakfast. There is a carton of orange juice on the table. Suddenly the SL door opens and a NAKED MAN enters. He's only wearing a baseball cap down low so you can hardly see his face. The man crosses to the kitchen area, nods to BOBBY, grabs a glass from somewhere in the kitchen area, goes to the table, pours some orange juice into his glass, drinks it all, puts the glass back down on the table and exits back through the SL door. Before BOBBY can say a word... SFX: The phone rings. BOBBY rushes to answer the phone. BOBBY Hello. Speaking. Oh. (SUDDENLY VERY INTRIGUED) Hi. No, I just didn't expect a call at this time with the time difference. Really? That's ... that's ... yes, "wonderful," that's the word I was searching for. "Surprise." That's another word that would work. Yes, you put them together and you have a wonderful surprise. That would be great. Yes, I will call, definitely. Thank you ...thank you very much. BOBBY puts the phone down and is deep in thought as a wired ALEX enters from the UC door. He is coming down from another night of partying. ALEX Bobby!! Bobby booby, Bobby baby! Where ya going? BOBBY To work. Where the hell have you been? You have company, you know? ALEX Isn't he hot? BOBBY You left him here alone. You know that's against the rules. ALEX I had to get breakfast. BOBBY Unbelievable. ALEX I know. Hands down, he's the hottest guy I had all week. BOBBY Don't you need to get to work? ALEX No, no! It's my birthday, not a work day. BOBBY It's Friday, and Friday is a work day. ALEX That fucking sucks! Ooh, I bet they're gonna have cake for me at work. I love cake. BOBBY Maybe you should stay home. And make sure what's-his-name doesn't rob us blind. ALEX You just said I have to get to work. Now I should stay home? You can't keep changing your mind like that. Like some ... I need breakfast. BOBBY It's not breakfast! It's coke. ALEX Bobby! My Bobby bubbie! BOBBY I'm serious. ALEX And how many times have I told you a serious homo is a boring homo. (ALEX TAKES OUT A PACKET OF COCAINE AND POURS IT ONTO THE TABLE.) BOBBY Well I'm sorry if I bore you. ALEX It's the fourth greatest disappointment of our time. (ALEX TAKES OUT A STRAW FROM HIS PANTS POCKET.) Number one, there is no Santa Claus. BOBBY Stay home and get rid of him. ALEX Number two, nicotine is bad for you. (ALEX USES THE STRAW TO SEPARATE THE COKE INTO LINES.) BOBBY You can't go to work like this. ALEX Three. (ALEX SNORTS A LINE OF COKE.) Kristin shot J.R. BOBBY I can call in sick for you. ALEX And four (ALEX SNORTS ANOTHER LINE OF COKE) the discovery of the boring homo. (ALEX SNIFFS LOUDLY.) Voila! Good as new. BOBBY Until the coke starts to wear off. Now ALEX is flying high. When he's like this he forgets to take breaths, he gets too close to BOBBY, and he's very touchy-feely. ALEX Don't fret your pretty white ass, boy! I have more at work. I am so excited about tonight. Let's have a drink to celebrate! BOBBY It's 8:30 in the morning. ALEX I know what time it is! Are you trying to comment? Are you commenting on something Bobby? Good. Cause I hate when you comment. I know what time it is. And I know this is way too early to drink, but it's my birthday, so that means it's a special day. My birthday is a fucking special day. Or did you somehow forget that, Bobby? Did you? Good. Because on special days you can do special things. So I humbly ask the powers that be, the powers who think they control everything, that would be you Bobby, if we could make an exception, just this one time. Can we? BOBBY (BEAT) Let's leave the celebration for tonight. ALEX Stop being so tidy. Let's unmake the bed Bobby and fuck around. BOBBY Someone's already in your bed. As usual. ALEX starts to look around the apartment for his alcohol. BOBBY tries to control his fear. ALEX Where's my fucking alcohol?! BOBBY It's part of tonight's very elaborate surprise. ALEX "No alcohol" is one helluva surprise. BOBBY Yes it is. See ya. BOBBY starts to leave, but ALEX runs to the door and stands in front of it. ALEX Wait a minute! You've got a secret! (ALEX STARTS TO TICKLE BOBBY.) Bobby Dean's got a secret. BOBBY I have to get to work. ALEX No! I want to hear your secret. The lights shift and we're in a flashback. It's 1982 and ALEX and BOBBY are both 18 years old sitting in BOBBY's backyard the night of their high school graduation. BOBBY is holding a graduation cap that had been hidden on stage somewhere. BOBBY I don't have a secret. ALEX You can't lie to me. I know everything there is to know about you. BOBBY Do not. ALEX Your favorite colors are teal and taupe. BOBBY Anyone who went to the prom knows that? ALEX You got your first boner when Patrick Duffy emerged from the ocean in The Man From Atlantis. BOBBY My parents are right inside! ALEX Oh, they know. BOBBY Maybe ... but ... ALEX But what? BOBBY I'm a little drunk so you have to be a little serious. ALEX I am serious. I'm a salutatorian. From now on you must salute me. BOBBY (BEAT) What are we gonna do from now on? ALEX What do you mean? BOBBY You're off to Chicago, I'm going to Boston. From now on is gonna be different from right now. ALEX Geographically speaking, yes ... but the distance between two hearts can't be measured in miles. BOBBY Don't joke. ALEX I'm sorry. BOBBY You're my ... ALEX Are you trying to tell me that I'm your special guy? BOBBY I can tell you anything and you don't blink an eye. ALEX That's cause you never have anything really interesting to tell. BOBBY Oh, I'm not staying here ... BOBBY tries to get up, but ALEX pulls him back down. ALEX puts his arm around BOBBY. It's intimate, but not a come-on. ALEX You do know that you're my favorite person in the world. BOBBY I am? ALEX Who else? BOBBY I don't know, I just thought ... ALEX Didn't we make a pact in kindergarten? BOBBY nods. ALEX (CONT'D) Underneath the rainbow moon. And a rainbow pact can never be broken. BOBBY Never? ALEX Never. I don't know why you're getting so nervous, we're off to college where we'll meet other guys who made the same pact under the same rainbow moon. BOBBY You took the hit for me. ALEX What? BOBBY Dodge ball. ALEX (BEAT) Oh God! From now on I'm gonna call you Memory Man. BOBBY I could never dodge the ball. If it weren't for you, I'd still be getting whacked in the face.
ALEX
Will you look at that? BOBBY What? ALEX Right up there, can't you see it? BOBBY What are you looking at? ALEX It's the rainbow moon ya jerk. Let's make another pact right here and right now. ALEX takes BOBBY's hand and looks up at the sky. BOBBY looks at ALEX. ALEX (CONT'D) I swear underneath the light of the rainbow moon that I, Alex McFadden, will always be the best friend of you (ALEX LOOKS AT BOBBY) Bobby Dean Biazzo, through rainbow times and black and white, during bad hair days and the times when we get the gel to make our hair look really, really good, through happy, sad, depressed, joyful ... BOBBY If it weren't for you I'd still be stuck to the floor. ALEX And if it weren't for you I'd be dodging balls all by myself. BOBBY To the future. ALEX To our future. The boys hug and the lights shift again to bring us back to the present day. When the lights go back to normal, BOBBY and ALEX are standing apart. BOBBY I have to go. ALEX Always rushing ... rushing, rushing, rushing off to ... somewhere stable. BOBBY Happy Birthday, Alex. ALEX To the future. BOBBY To our future. BLACKOUT Scene 8The past. BOBBY is in a spotlight center stage. He's 13 years old. YOUNG BOY'S VOICE (OS) P-e-r-e-n-n-i-a-l. Perennial. MAN'S VOICE (OS) Correct. Robert, your word is syzygy. BOBBY looks shocked. BOBBY Um, can you repeat the word?
MAN'S VOICE (OS)
Syzygy. BOBBY Um. S ... I ... Z ... A ... MAN'S VOICE (OS) Wrong! You're wrong! Don't even continue, you've lost. You cannot win. Do you know what that means? You lose. And therefore you are a loser. BLACKOUT Scene 9LYNDON and CHARLIE are sitting SL on the couch or chairs, each holding another martini glass filled with a pink liquid. They both have their legs crossed and look like a mini Greek gay chorus. BOBBY is sitting on the floor arranging Wheat Thins crackers to spell out Happy Birthday Alex on a plastic orange tray. BOBBY I am such a loser! LYNDON Pourquoi? BOBBY I ran out of Wheat Thins! CHARLIE That's okay, I'm more of a Triscuit man myself. BOBBY No! The night of Alex's thirtieth birthday he went to some work thing and had Cosmo after Cosmo, but the only food was greasy hors d'oeurves served on Wheat Thins. Later on while Alex was blowing one of the waiters, he threw up all the Wheat Thins. CHARLIE Gross! The guy must've been furious. LYNDON But notice how neither one of us blinked an eye at the phrase "while Alex was blowing one of the waiters." BOBBY The point is that Alex equates Wheat Thins with getting sick and won't be so eager to drink if they're around. So I thought I would spell out Happy Birthday Alex in Wheat Thins to quench his thirst. I only made it to Happy Birt. CHARLIE (PAUSE) That's your plan? BOBBY Well part of it. CHARLIE That's like giving the little Dutch boy Scotch Tape. BOBBY Charlie, I'm trying. CHARLIE I know you are but ... Wheat Thins? LYNDON Have I ever told you about the time I met Sandy Duncan? SFX: Doorbell rings. BOBBY That must be Joette. LYNDON Speaking of a girl with a disability. BOBBY buzzes the buzzer. CHARLIE I hope she's not her usual austere self.
JOETTE (OS)
LYNDON Sounds like she's transformed herself into the Singing Fag Hag. BOBBY (INTO THE INTERCOM) Come on up. (TO LYNDON) And don't call her that, you know it ticks her off. LYNDON Fine. From now on she'll simply be known as ... Fag Hag. BOBBY Lyndon, I'm warning you. CHARLIE Bobby, you really should be more concerned about your so-called plan. BOBBY The Wheat Thins suck that bad? I thought they would help ease the shock. LYNDON Like lube? SFX: Door knock. BOBBY opens the door and JOETTE appears in the doorway, out of breath, and all fake-smiles.
JOETTE
Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! BOBBY He's not out yet. JOETTE enters the apartment. JOETTE For Christ's sake! I rushed my ass from the upper, upper east side. LYNDON i.e., Astoria. JOETTE And I still arrived before the guest of honor. He'll be late for his own funeral. BOBBY Exactly what we're trying to prevent. LYNDON Kisses to my favorite straight girl. JOETTE Nice Lyn, you sound like my mother subtly reminding the male nurses at the Westchester County Sanitarium that I'm ripe for the picking. LYNDON Please, Joette, please. Don't compare me to psycho mama. CHARLIE Lyndon, you're supposed to be nice! JOETTE Hi Charlie, you look good. You know my mother's psychotic. Pleasant most of the time, but psychotic nonetheless. CHARLIE Why must girls disparage their mothers? JOETTE I'm not disparaging, it's the truth. My mother had her first nervous breakdown when I was nine and she was working the streets. Where's Alex? CHARLIE Your mother was a prostitute? JOETTE No, a crossing guard. She worked the corner of Fifth and Stuyvesant, which in her defense was a very busy intersection. LYNDON All I remember of my mother is her leaving home one morning in a cloud of cigarette smoke and Shalamar. Or was that an Ida Lupino movie? CHARLIE Bobby, are you okay? BOBBY I'm a bit on edge. LYNDON A bit? Doll, you're like Neely O'Hara right before the house lights dim. CHARLIE And you're making us all nervous. LYNDON Damn, I'm perspiring! How I miss dress shields. Marisa Berenson once told me a maxi-pad could be used as a substitute. Joette? JOETTE Strictly a tampon girl. LYNDON (SIGH) So many of you are these days. JOETTE So where is he? BOBBY In his room prettifying, where he's been for the past several hours. JOETTE Learn me this, gay folk, just how friggin' long does it take one already genetically superior man to get gussied up for a party? BOBBY This isn't a party! JOETTE Get him out of there. At this rate we'll be here until his fortieth birthday. LYNDON I remember my fortieth birthday. Liza Minnelli sashays in ... JOETTE Don't start with the stories. LYNDON (BEAT, THEN LIKE A WOUNDED CHILD.) But she was wearing Halston. JOETTE She always wears Halston! LYNDON Not the dress. The designer. She came in giving him a piggyback ride and said, "This is why I never wear Oleg Cassini. Ha ha! He's too wide in the shoulders." JOETTE (PAUSE) Are you done?
LYNDON
Yes, sir. JOETTE Listen up, girls. I spoke with Marjoe. LYNDON Who's Marjoe? BOBBY You spoke with the interventionist. JOETTE Yes about Operation Sav-A-Gay and we devised a line of attack. BOBBY Marjoe and I didn't think it should be so organized since we don't know how Alex will respond. JOETTE I changed his mind. Marjoe's not so experienced. BOBBY And you are? JOETTE You're too emotionally involved to think strategically. We can't go into this blindly. BOBBY I don't want Alex to feel ambushed. JOETTE You can't have it both ways. Now I thought, and Marjoe agreed, that it would be effective if we each zeroed in on a particular area of Alex's life. I'll focus on business matters, his career, or lack thereof. Lyndon you address what people are saying about Alex's drinking, drug use, sex addiction, blah, blah, blah. LYNDON If I must ... I do so frown upon gossipmongers. JOETTE Yeah, right. And Charlie, I know it'll be hard, but you need to address medical issues. What could happen if ... CHARLIE Yes ... if ... LYNDON Good show Jo, but it's moments like these that remind me of Sister Marguerite, the admissions clerk at the monastery. CHARLIE Sister Mary Nasty? LYNDON The same. When I entered the monastery she growled, "You won't last three months in those brown robes." JOETTE How did she know? LYNDON She said I was too pale, earth tones wash me out. That was the winter I realized I hated women. BOBBY Sounds like the summer of Charlie Hates Chuney. LYNDON Was that as disappointing as Joanie Loves Chachi? JOETTE We're veering off course. BOBBY The summer after tenth grade, the year Charlie discovered girls. LYNDON The only girl Charlie ever discovered was Lipstick Lesbian Barbie. CHARLIE I have had sex with a girl. BOBBY Which was when you discovered you don't like chuney. JOETTE Must you still call it a chuney? BOBBY It's what my family always called it. JOETTE Repeat after me ... va-gi-na. BOBBY I prefer chuney, but Charlie couldn't even touch one. Isn't that right Charlie? LYNDON Come on Charlie, take us back to tenth grade. The uncut director's version. CHARLIE (DRAMATIC SIGH) I'm in the backseat of my father's El Dorado trying to do it with Tammy Wisneski. I am trying with all my might to finger her... her... LYNDON Say it, Charlie, say it! CHARLIE Chuney! I'm trying to finger her chuney! And it's not going in. The gate is locked, the drawbridge is down, the dam is secure ... JOETTE We get it, Tammy's tight. CHARLIE No, Tammy's laughing, a high-pitched accusatory laugh. I try one last time to finger her friggin' chuney and do you know what she says? (PAUSE) "That's my asshole." BOBBY And thus began the summer of Charlie hates Chuney. JOETTE I still don't understand why you call a vagina a chuney and not a vagina. LYNDON Or at least a pussy. Pussy's got bite. Chuney doesn't work for me. CHARLIE What did your family call it? LYNDON A kumani. JOETTE Now that's something I can relate to. CHARLIE You've had a kumani? JOETTE Kumani Wong. BOBBY Oh sure, from high school. LYNDON I knew it. You are a closet lesbian! JOETTE No! We were both in my senior year production of Hello, Dolly! BOBBY When they dubbed you Jo Jo, the dog-faced boy? LYNDON Oh, sweet mother of Carol Channing! Elaborate. JOETTE No. CHARLIE Oh please, please! I'll take back everything I've ever said about you if you explain why they called you Jo Jo, the dog-faced boy. JOETTE (PAUSE) It's like being sucked into a gay vacuum. We're not here to tell stories. BOBBY Oh, tell it Joette. They won't let up until you do. JOETTE You're hoping that if we keep telling stories we can avoid this whole charade. BOBBY No. JOETTE You can't lie to me. You hope Alex stays in his bedroom and we never have to go through with this. BOBBY I'm a little scared, sure, but I want this to happen. It's just that it's been a while since Alex and I have had a serious conversation. JOETTE A while? BOBBY Will you stop pushing and just tell your story. LYNDON I agree. Speak up dog-boy. JOETTE (BEAT) One telling, no commentary, then we talk strategy. BOBBY Agreed. JOETTE 1981, senior year production of Hello, Dolly! I was the only person in the class who could do a cartwheel while holding a serving tray, so I had to be in the waiter's gallop. But all the waiters had to be boys. So they superglued a handlebar moustache and muttonchops on my face and pushed me towards the footlights. The applause wasn't nearly as strong as the superglue. They couldn't pull the facial hair off me for nine days. Hence the moniker, Jo Jo, the dog-faced boy. CHARLIE Suddenly I don't feel so alone. JOETTE Now can we return to tonight's regularly scheduled intervention? BOBBY Oh God, I'm losing my confidence. LYNDON You can't. You're our leader, and we are your team. BOBBY That's right, you're absolutely right, we all have to work together. Because Alex will swing open that door like Loretta Young and a few moments later be as shocked as Loretta Lynn on her honeymoon in Coal Miner's Daughter. LYNDON Let's just hope he accepts our olive branch more readily than Loretty accepted Tommy Lee's. CHARLIE I think Alex is a bit more knowledgeable about branches than Ms. Lynn. JOETTE My God, do gay men do anything better than avoid the truth?! LYNDON Identify trends? JOETTE Alex is right behind that door ... you're about to change his life forever, and you three fags are riffing on Loretta Lynn! You're really starting to piss me off. BOBBY Stop attacking. Does it matter how we get to the truth as long as we get to it? JOETTE We could've gotten to it years ago if you would all stop auditioning to be Shecky Green's long-lost gay son. BOBBY This is our way, you know that. JOETTE And your way has brought us here ... to this pathetically planned ruse entitled "How Gay Men Ignore the Road to Ruin" or "I Need Another Drink -- This One Doesn't Match My Outfit." And what the hell is Happy Birt? BOBBY A minute ago you were Sally Supportive. What's gotten into you? LYNDON Nothing. That's her problem. BOBBY Lyndon! JOETTE My ... problem is ... oh, just forget it. BOBBY You don't always know what's best. JOETTE What I don't know is why I ever said I'd be a part of this farce. LYNDON Because Bobby asked you. And you wouldn't risk putting a nick in your relationship. BOBBY This is not about us! JOETTE No, it's about your obsession with Alex. BOBBY I am not obsessed. JOETTE Bullshit! BOBBY Because you don't agree, it isn't so? JOETTE Stop lying, Bobby, I'm tired of it. LYNDON Of course you're tired ... it's exhausting being Bobby's friend, wife, mother, sister. JOETTE More faggot wisdom. Why don't you turn your attention to Bobby and convince him to leave Alex and his poison. BOBBY The guy is lost. Can't you see that? JOETTE He's an addict, plain and simple. BOBBY Who wants to break free. JOETTE Honey, I know you want to believe that's true. BOBBY It is true! I know what's in his heart and he's not ... Unseen by the others, ALEX opens his door, dressed for a night out on the town. In one hand he's holding an Absolut bottle, in the other a martini glass. JOETTE He's hopeless. BOBBY No! JOETTE And a waste of your time. BOBBY Will you just shut up! JOETTE Alex is a loser, Bobby! No matter how hard you try to change him. All he is ever going to be is a worthless human being. BOBBY Now you've crossed a line! JOETTE Oh, like a gay man knows anything about boundaries. BOBBY Get out! You don't belong here! ALEX Not on your life! Now this is what I call a party. BLACKOUT END OF ACT 1 Act 2Scene 1It's a few minutes after the end of Act 1. ALEX is center stage clutching his Absolut bottle and drinking a pink Cosmopolitan. He is flying high and holding court. JOETTE is sitting at the kitchen table, LYNDON and CHARLIE are on the couch, and BOBBY is leaning against the SR door. Everyone is trying to maintain a party atmosphere while searching for the right moment to confront ALEX. ALEX Syzygy! BOBBY No. ALEX That's what she just said. BOBBY She didn't mean it. ALEX Yes she did. And Joette's right, I am a syzygy. BOBBY You are not. ALEX Sorry Bob-o, I am the biggest syzygy around. BOBBY Will you stop saying that?! ALEX It happens. You were one once, too. (POINTING TO BOBBY) Syzygy. LYNDON What the hell is a syzygy? ALEX Bobby's nemesis. The reason he never made it to the Spelling Bee Olympics in the fifth grade. BOBBY It's a stupid word. ALEX Donald Passanante got "perennial," Bobby got "syzygy," and Passanante went on to represent New Jersey in the nationals. CHARLIE Did he win? BOBBY Does potpourri end in an 'e'? CHARLIE (BEAT) Well ... anyone? Does potpourri end in an 'e'? BOBBY P-o-t-p-o-u-r-r-i, potpourri, no e. Had I gotten that instead of syzygy I would've won, but no. ALEX Since then syzygy means loser. CHARLIE But what does syzygy really mean? ALEX A couple of things. Bobby? BOBBY (DEEP BREATH) Either three celestial bodies caught in a gravitational pull like the sun, moon, and earth. CHARLIE Or? BOBBY Or a pair. Usually bodies in the solar system, like two stars, different, but still very much the same. ALEX I always liked that definition better. CHARLIE Why? ALEX Because that's me and my Bobby. (HE KISSES BOBBY ON THE CHEEK.) Now what was all that screaming about earlier? It got me hard. Oh my God, this may be the first time Joette gave a man an erection. JOETTE is about to rebut, but CHARLIE interrupts. CHARLIE So how does it feel to be 37, Alex? I can't wait for my 37th next month. ALEX You're not going to be 37. CHARLIE Yes I am. We're a month apart. ALEX You're in AIDS world now Charlie, which means you'll be what ... 48, 49? JOETTE Oh ... oh . . (BEAT, THEN POINTS TO ALEX) Syzygy! ALEX Please! Charlie wears his red ribbon like a badge of honor, right Chuck? CHARLIE I try not to make a big deal out of it. ALEX Then maybe you shouldn't refer to them as your HIV naps. CHARLIE My meds ... sometimes make me tired around three. ALEX Whatever. Bobby ... partymeister ... I am almost done with this Absolut bottle. When that happens I will need another one. Or at least a birthday surprise to make me forget that I don't have my hands wrapped around an Absolut bottle. Are you ready to supply me with either a bottle of firewater or a surprise? BOBBY Um ... well. ALEX Hey why isn't anyone else drinking? BOBBY Like I said, this party is going to be alcohol-free. (PAUSE) Isn't that great? ALEX turns to look at everyone. They are all serious and nervous. Finally, ALEX bursts out laughing. ALEX Oh my God! You are a fucking genius, Bobby. (ALEX GRABS BOBBY'S FACE WITH BOTH HANDS AND KISSES HIM.) I'm on reality TV. What's the name of it? Birthday Party? Is it like a new This is Your Life? Where's the camera? And if you know what's good for you it'll be on my right side. BOBBY There is no camera. ALEX I hope this is going to be on cable, network is so limiting. BOBBY It's not being filmed. This is real. ALEX Yeah, right. BOBBY I'm serious. ALEX Then this is a seriously shitty birthday party, Bobby. BOBBY It isn't a birthday party. ALEX It's my birthday, it's a party, it's a fucking birthday party! BOBBY Technically it is a gathering of sorts. ALEX I want a straight answer ... what's going on here? BOBBY We've known each other a long time. Right? ALEX Yes. BOBBY And you trust me, don't you? ALEX Yes. BOBBY Then you have to trust that I'm doing this for you. ALEX Doing what? SFX: The phone rings. Everyone, except ALEX and BOBBY, leaps for the phone at the same time. CHARLIE gets to it first, but LYNDON rips the phone out of his hand.
LYNDON
Hello. BETTINA appears again in the same spot she appeared in earlier. BETTINA Is this the birthday boy? LYNDON Bettina, darling! What exquisite timing. How have you been? BETTINA Last week it burnt when I peed, but my hot Spanish gyno put an end to that. ALEX Put her on speaker. (TO BOBBY) And I'm not finished with you. T, it's Alex. BETTINA Happy Birthday, darling. I sang a song for you. ALEX I heard. And I followed your instructions. BETTINA Good! It'll be worth it, trust me. ALEX Everybody wants my trust tonight. BOBBY Actually, Bettina, we were in the middle of something. BETTINA But I have a birthday bombshell! ALEX What is it? I need a diversion. BETTINA I did porn. ALL What? BETTINA Porn. You know, adult entertainment, x-rated movies, skin trade, back alley productions ... JOETTE We know what porn means. ALEX You're not serious. BETTINA Of course I am. I was waiting for your party to make the announcement. I always think of my Alex. ALEX (TO BOBBY) Now this is an appropriate surprise. JOETTE Why in God's name would you do a porn movie? BETTINA It was on my "to do" list. Right between learn how to make kugel and get a Brazilian bikini wax. Naturally, I switched them around so I was the smoothest girl on set and my kugel was the hit of the wrap party. ALEX You slut! I wanted to be the first one of us to do porn! BETTINA You can be the first one of us to do gay porn. ALEX Oh, that's true! BOBBY That sounds really exciting. We'll call you back to get the details. ALEX What's the movie called? BETTINA Doctor Penis-cillan. ALEX I love it! Who do you play? BETTINA Madame Whorrie. I'm the one who discovers the penis-cillan. ALEX I must have a copy for my birthday. BETTINA Of course, mon cher. I'll even personally autograph it for you. JOETTE In ink, please. ALEX Are you the star? Please tell me you're the star and not just non-sexual filler. Oh, please tell me you got fucked on camera! BETTINA Of course I got fucked. If I wanted to be a serious actress, I'd try to marry some jerk on TV. ALEX You're my idol! BETTINA I was hardly idle. I did three scenes. JOETTE Three! Three scenes and not once did you come to your senses and bail. ALEX Talk me through your scenes. BOBBY looks to LYNDON for help. LYNDON Perhaps the blow by blow can wait for another time. ALEX I want to hear the plot! BETTINA Well it starts on a plane, a really big one. I work for the government and I'm transporting highly confidential medical specimens. Then I get taken hostage by an Israeli pilot. ALEX Oooh, very Patty Hearst. BETTINA Then I did a three-way with another hostage, Trudie from Des Moines, super nice girl, owns a little bookstore, and a Frenchman who plays the navigator of the plane. ALEX Did the Frenchman wash? CHARLIE The French don't smell. BETTINA This one did. I said until Pierre takes a shower he's not touching my chuney. JOETTE Can no one say "vagina"?! BETTINA But the final scene was the showstopper. ALEX Talk very slow! BETTINA (TALKING SLOWLY FOR EFFECT.) I'm in the lab with my highly confidential medical specimens and I'm joined by bisexual Russian triplets who are actually spies who want my specimens. In real life ... JOETTE As opposed to porn life. BETTINA Why does she keep interrupting? ALEX Joette's channeling Anita Bryant again. BETTINA In real life they were thrown off the Olympic gymnastic team for illegal use of a pommel horse. Boy, were those three a handful! ALEX Are they bisexual in real life or only porn life? BETTINA Both. I'll email you their contact info. They can be bought for a nominal fee and are willing to travel internationally. LYNDON And who says the Russkies aren't accommodating? ALEX What's your porn name? JOETTE Please tell me you used a fake name. BETTINA Yes, but I didn't want to. I said my tits are real, my name should be too. And I must say, Joette, for a single gal of a certain age you are very repressed. ALEX I must know your porn name! Tell me! BETTINA I chose a name that pays homage not only to my Russian co-stars' gymnastic background, but to my own Irish heritage as well. Say hello to Tramp O'Line. LYNDON Ah!!! Ms. Witty, she's a whore! ALEX I love you! Bobby, take notes on how to throw a successful birthday party. LYNDON But darling, aren't you afraid your boss will find out? BETTINA Amir? Who do you think played the Israeli pilot? Thanks to him we got to film in the cockpit. The key, my friends, to good porn is authenticity. CHARLIE You're like the president of the Mile High Club. BETTINA Who said that? BOBBY Charlie. BETTINA Charlie? I thought he was dying. ALEX He is. He's just doing it very slowly. CHARLIE Fuck you. My meds are working very well, thank you. BETTINA I'm glad. Really. Hey, did I mention that I went to the AmFar benefit in London last month? CHARLIE Thank you for your support. Hear, hear! BETTINA Don't cheer me yet -- I don't think I'm built for this charity thing. At one point I was standing between Sharon Stone and Steve Kmetko. Sharon was talking about the AIDS crisis in Africa and Steve was rambling on and on about anti-retroviral therapies or some other shit and all I could think about was that among the three of us I was the only natural blonde. ALEX And we'll soon find out which one of you has the prettiest snatch. LYNDON My money's on Mr. Kmetko. JOETTE I stand corrected, Bobby, you're all taking this very seriously. LYNDON I'll give you this, Bettina, you're honest. ALEX An honest-to-goodness porn star. Where do you go from here? JOETTE The free clinic? BETTINA Needlepoint. I want to make all those cute throw pillows my Grandma used to make. ALEX A porn star who sews. You've salvaged my birthday. BETTINA Speaking of which, how are you going to celebrate? ALEX I'm not sure yet. I'm still waiting for Bobby's surprise. BETTINA I hope it's not the same as my surprise. LYNDON Somehow I doubt that. ALEX When will your surprise arrive? BETTINA It should be there shortly. ALEX Thank you, T. This party needed a little bit of Bettina. BETTINA Every party needs a little bit of Bettina! Sorry, guys, that's my other line. We're having a porn reunion. ALEX Do one of the Russians for me! BETTINA One? Mama'll do all three! ALEX Goodbye, Madame Whorrie! BETTINA Happy Birthday, Alex! The light on BETTINA fades out and she disappears. ALEX Now someone try to top that. The past. The lights change to indicate that we're in another flashback. ALEX runs to BOBBY, gives him a big kiss on the lips, picks him up, and swings him around. They are 21 and seniors in college. From now on whenever there is a flashback JOETTE, LYNDON, and CHARLIE stay where they are and watch, but never enter into the action. ALEX (CONT'D) I said try to top that, Bobby! BOBBY I can't. ALEX I know cuz I'm the newest intern in the tech sales division of InterTech International and nothing can top that. BOBBY I am so proud of you. ALEX Me too. I was up against thirty other guys and they picked me. They said I have ... potential. BOBBY Anyone can see that. Do you have a title? ALEX I dunno. I guess I'll find out Monday. BOBBY My counselor says a title makes you look more professional. ALEX My boss told me he made three hundred grand his first year in sales. I'm gonna make it, Bobby. BOBBY I always knew you would. ALEX I'll show my dad, I can do it. BOBBY He knows. ALEX I'll have a house ... two houses, cars, we'll travel. BOBBY I have to get a real job first. ALEX I'll make enough money for both of us. (BEAT) I was a little scared, but this real world thing isn't as tough as I thought. BOBBY Since when are you ever scared? ALEX Well ... BOBBY starts to roughhouse with ALEX, they are very physical with each other. BOBBY You know if I didn't see that job listing, you'd still be unemployed. ALEX So I owe you now? BOBBY What's your name? ALEX Alex. BOBBY I'm Bobby Dean. From now on Alex you're gonna be my best friend. (BEAT) And ... They get very close to each other and almost kiss. ALEX And? BOBBY And I hope I can be just like you some day. ALEX No way. (BEAT) I like you just the way you are. The lights shift and we're back in the present. ALEX (CONT'D) Do you like me, Bobby? BOBBY Of course. ALEX Then why is my birthday party so suckified? SFX: The doorbell rings. ALEX (CONT'D) C'mon, Lyndon, back me up. This party's ass.
BOBBY
Hello.
RENALDO
Hello, my name is Renaldo. I am the gift from Ms. Bettina. ALEX And this ass just got a booty bump! (RACING OVER TO THE DOOR AND PRESSING THE INTERCOM BUTTON.) Get up here! BOBBY Alex, we need to talk. ALEX Thank you, Bettina. BOBBY I mean it. ALEX And thank God I took that second Viagra. JOETTE (GENTLY) Bobby, maybe this is a sign. SFX: Door knock. ALEX runs to open the door, then stops short. ALEX Hold on! ALEX rips off his shirt, runs into his room, and comes out with an even tighter one. He opens the door and there stands RENALDO, 22. He is shirtless and gorgeous. He's wearing a cowboy hat, tight jeans and cowboy boots and around his chest is an ammo belt filled with little bottles of alcohol you get on an airline. He looks to the left and sees BOBBY. RENALDO (TO BOBBY) Happy birthday, Alex. Bettina is right -- you are muy guapo. BOBBY I'm Bobby. That's Alex. RENALDO Happy birthday, Alex. Bettina is right -- you are muy guapo. ALEX And you haven't even seen my dick yet. RENALDO I was to learn the American birthday song, but Ms. Bettina said you would just want ... get drunk and fuck. ALEX And Ms. Bettina is always right. Follow me. ALEX leads RENALDO into his bedroom and slams the bedroom door shut. LYNDON and CHARLIE react as if someone slapped them across the face. LYNDON Don't worry about us. We'll amuse ourselves out here. BOBBY How did I let this get so out of control? JOETTE Because Alex is out of your control. LYNDON Last time I had an ass like that ... CHARLIE You never had an ass like that. JOETTE Will you two quit it? LYNDON Me personally, no. I've always been slim-hipped ... like a young Kate Hepburn. My trousers looked wonderful from the front, the side, well ... RENALDO Aaah! LYNDON shifts in his chair. He is definitely getting turned on by the sounds in the other room. ALEX Aaah! JOETTE For Christ's sake! ALEX and RENALDO Aaah! BOBBY Where's Marjoe?! RENALDO Ahh! Yes! JOETTE The hell with Marjoe. We need Band Aid therapy. ALEX Ahhhh! Fuck!!! CHARLIE Speak English! If I'm counting grunts correctly we don't have time to translate hetero. JOETTE Quick and harsh. Like ripping off a band-aid. ALEX Aaahh! JOETTE Like that. RENALDO Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohhhhh! LYNDON I prefer that. JOETTE Of course you do. Everything is always about sex with you people. LYNDON You people? Who are you calling "you people"? JOETTE You people. LYNDON Your people don't have the right to use the phrase "you people." JOETTE My people wouldn't have to use the phrase "you people" if it weren't for you people. LYNDON If it weren't for you people our people wouldn't have to be a phrase! JOETTE If you people knew your place my people wouldn't need a phrase. BOBBY Since when? JOETTE Since it has been made very clear to me that sex, drugs, and the perfect Cosmo are what most of you want. ALEX Fuck me, fuck my ass! JOETTE That's the sound byte for your whole community. BOBBY Just go. You don't want to be here, now's the perfect time to escape. JOETTE No way. I've invested way too much time in this to leave early. CHARLIE Too much time in Bobby you mean. JOETTE That is so old. LYNDON It seems her people don't like to confront the truth either. JOETTE The truth! The truth is that you're a bunch of hypocritical hedonists who are pointing the finger of doom at your leader because you're all a little scared that he's locked inside some glory hole and he'll never crawl out. And without him, well, mirror, mirror on the wall, who'll be the biggest slut of all? BOBBY Why are you so judgmental? JOETTE This whole charade is about judging! BOBBY It is not. It's about rescuing. If I thought for one second that Alex wanted this life that he's fallen into, I'd leave him alone. ALEX Uhhh, uhh, fuck me! JOETTE Sounds like he's getting exactly what he wants. ALEX and RENALDO (PAUSE) Ohhh. LYNDON and CHARLIE (PAUSE) Ahhhh. BOBBY After Renaldo leaves, we sit Alex down and lay it out plain and simple. Whether Marjoe is here or not.
JOETTE
And remember let's not hurt Alex's feelings. RENALDO enters the room followed by ALEX. RENALDO is still shirtless and wearing the artillery holster, but all the little bottles are now gone. ALEX is putting on yet another t-shirt. He is restless, fidgety and sniffs and plays with his nose during the rest of the scene -- it's obvious that he snorted some more drugs. BOBBY (TO JOETTE) I have really had enough of you! ALEX Is that any way to talk to my birthday present? BOBBY I'm sorry ... I ... LYNDON He was referring to me. I was just about to break down that door and make your present my future. ALEX He takes AmEx. RENALDO And I offer group discount. LYNDON I'm sure you do, papi. But the moment's passed. RENALDO Here's my card, if your mind changes. Happy birthday, Alex. Call me. ALEX I will. ALEX and RENALDO kiss passionately making everyone uncomfortable. RENALDO Ciao lindo. (TO EVERYONE) Buh-bye. RENALDO exits. ALEX Now that's a party favor. JOETTE You're a fucking pig.
ALEX
I'm not sure how I'll ever make this up to Bettina. LYNDON Did you videotape? ALEX (BEAT) Damn! BOBBY Alex. ALEX Yes, yes, Bobby, I'm sorry. You were stammering about something before we were so crudely interrupted. Go ahead, I'm all ears. BOBBY Like I said this really isn't a traditional birthday party. ALEX Yeah, I got that. BOBBY It's more of a ... I wanted to get your closest friends together ... ALEX These aren't my closest friends. JOETTE Can we all just admit that this is hopeless? BOBBY Will you shut up?! (TO ALEX) This is an intervention. ALEX (BEAT) What? SFX: Doorbell rings. JOETTE (INTO INTERCOM) Hello? MARJOE It's Marjoe. LYNDON (TO CHARLIE) Finally the mysterious Marjoe. JOETTE Come on up. ALEX An intervention is for alcoholics ... and junkies. JOETTE And you. BOBBY Let's wait for Marjoe. ALEX Smile. BOBBY What? ALEX I want to see your smile. (BOBBY SMILES BRIEFLY, THEN TO THE OTHERS:) Don'tcha love that smile? SFX: Door knock BOBBY opens the door and MARJOE TEJADA, 22, enters. He's a clean-cut young man trying to dress like an urban youth. BOBBY Hi. Come on in. Everybody, this is Marjoe Tejada. ALL Hello, Marjoe. MARJOE Hello. BOBBY Alex, Marjoe is here to lead the intervention. ALEX What the fuck is going on? MARJOE Don't be scared, your friends are just concerned. ALEX I'm not a junkie. MARJOE We don't use that word. JOETTE God forbid a spade is called a spade. ALEX Seriously, Bobby ... what is going on here? MARJOE Alex, why don't you sit down. (MARJOE GENTLY TOUCHES ALEX'S ARM.) I'm here so we can talk. ALEX Oh, I get it, it's a different set-up. I have to warn you though, my ass is sore. MARJOE I'm not here to do any fucking. ALEX Oh, you're a bottom ... well I'm vers when I have to be. BOBBY No. Marjoe is an interventionist. From the Center. ALEX This is your surprise? (LAUGHING) Oh, honey, you should've gone with a hustler. MARJOE I'm here because Bobby is concerned about you ... we're all concerned about how you're living your life. ALEX You don't even know me. MARJOE You're still my brother. ALEX Sorry, bro, I am not really up for conversation. It's my birthday. MARJOE The first day of the rest of your life. What a perfect time to assess where you are, how you got here, and how you can change your life so you can fulfill all your dreams. Let's do a moral inventory. ALEX Moral inventory? (TO LYNDON) Is he for real? LYNDON Listen to what he has to say, Alex. ALEX I don't want to listen, I want to celebrate. ALEX goes to the front door, but MARJOE gets there first and blocks him from leaving. ALEX (CONT'D) Are you this quick in the bedroom? ALEX pushes MARJOE up against the door and kisses him. MARJOE gives in, then pushes ALEX back into the room. BOBBY runs and stands in front of the door. ALEX You're not a bad kisser, but you talk too much even for a shrink. MARJOE I'm not a shrink. ALEX What are you? MARJOE I'm a graduate student in psychology. ALEX A student! (TO BOBBY) You couldn't even get me a professional?! MARJOE I have multiple hours of practical credits in this kind of therapy. ALEX This cannot be real. BOBBY I couldn't think of any other way to get through to you. ALEX You've done some self-righteous things before, but this ... MARJOE You have a drug problem? ALEX Says who? MARJOE Everyone here. ALEX Really? Is that what you all say? Lyndon? Charlie? LYNDON Bobby told me you start each morning by snorting coke. ALEX He what? CHARLIE You party every night and you usually don't come home until the morning, then you rush out to work. ALEX You told them those things?
BOBBY
Why not? Are you ashamed? ALEX I need a drink. MARJOE No, you can't. ALEX Don't tell me ... BOBBY There's nothing here to drink. ALEX goes to the door, but LYNDON and CHARLIE block the door and push him out of the way. ALEX Now you're all going to play hero?! MARJOE We just want to talk. ALEX (TO BOBBY) Why couldn't you just talk to me? BOBBY Alex I've tried, you know I have. ALEX I am not in the mood for this! JOETTE Do you love Bobby? ALEX Yes. JOETTE Then do it for him. ALEX takes a moment then sits down. MARJOE sits next to him. MARJOE Alex, no one is here to hurt you or humiliate you. Everyone is here because they want to help you. Addiction is a medical disease. And the combination of alcohol and cocaine is the most common drug combo that results in death. ALEX Does anyone have a napkin? I just came in my pants.
MARJOE
I know how you feel, I've done a lot of partying in my time so I know how good it can be. Do you like to get high? ALEX Yeah. MARJOE Any particular reason why? ALEX So I can imagine that assholes like you don't exist. MARJOE Okay. And how long have you been taking drugs? ALEX Didn't Bobby already fill out some sort of questionnaire on me? MARJOE Yes, but I'd like to hear it from you.
ALEX
No way. Bobby, how long have you been planning this ambush? MARJOE Forget them, Alex, it's just me and you. How long you've been taking drugs? ALEX Drugs in general or do you want to zero in on a specific one? MARJOE What was the first one? ALEX Oh, gee ... wow ... the first ... well let's see ... no, Pablo introduced me to K, and I only met Pablo in '97. JOETTE For Christ's sake! This isn't a joke. ALEX Please, Marjoe, I can't concentrate if I'm going to be interrupted. JOETTE You're an addict!
ALEX
Is that what you really think I am, Bobby? BOBBY You have a problem. MARJOE Take the first step, Alex. Admit that you have a problem. ALEX I am a recreational user, big deal, everybody is! MARJOE That's right, you're not alone in this. 234 million people, almost 9.4 percent of the adult population have some form of chemical dependence. This isn't a social problem, it's a matter of your health. ALEX My health is fine. BOBBY That's not what your doctor said. ALEX What?! CHARLIE Oh, dear. ALEX You spoke to my doctor? MARJOE Alex, I need you to focus on the real issue. BOBBY When you had the flu? LYNDON (TO CHARLIE) Is there even the slightest chance Bobby has befriended Doctor Zhivago? BOBBY You were sick ... on antibiotics ... and you wouldn't stop doing lines and ecstasy. ALEX I will kill you! MARJOE See how violently the drugs make you react? They control you, that's the problem. ALEX The problem is you are the worst fucking interventionist ever! MARJOE Maybe the problem is you're the biggest addict ever! ALEX What? MARJOE How long has it been since you had a drug-free day? (PAUSE) Are your bills piling up because you spend all your money on drugs? ALEX The city's expensive. BOBBY Answer him, Alex. Honestly. MARJOE Do you black out? The lights shift so ALEX is in a spotlight. He is face down on the floor, completely wasted. ALEX No ... leave me alone. I don't need your help. Call Bobby! Call my Bobby ... please ... Bobby'll fix it. He fixes everything. The lights change back and once again it's the present. ALEX (CONT'D) No. Never. LYNDON Alex ... that couple who found you ... they live in my building. ALEX Once! MARJOE So is it once or never? ALEX Times up! I've humored you, Bobby, I've played nice with this ... syzygy! Now I want him out! MARJOE I'm just asking questions. There's no need to get so upset. ALEX I've been duped, you asshole! MARJOE Duped by the drugs. You're powerless to them. Can't you see that your friends had no other choice but this? ALEX We all have choices. And I choose for you to leave. MARJOE I need you to calm down. ALEX You have ten seconds to leave. Ten, nine ... CHARLIE Give yourself up to a higher power, Alex. ALEX Fuck you! Eight, seven ... BOBBY You left me no choice. ALEX Six, five ... MARJOE Answer the question: Do you have an addiction problem? ALEX Four, three ... BOBBY Just admit it. ALEX Two ... MARJOE Are you an addict?! BOBBY Please, Alex. Don't dodge this. He'll go, we'll all go, just admit it. You don't even have to say it out loud. ALEX (BEAT) One. Now go. LYNDON Marjoe, it was a pleasure. MARJOE (TO ALEX) If you'd like we could talk privately. They can all leave. ALEX Oh, they're going to leave, but not after I say they can. MARJOE You have nothing more you'd like to say to me? Just you and me. ALEX Unless you're packing a ten-inch dick along with your hours of practical credits we have nothing to discuss. Now I suggest you get the fuck out of my apartment before I let the massive amount of drugs that are raging through my bloodstream take control of me. BOBBY Marjoe, thank you. You've been a great help. ALEX Yes, Marjoe, good luck with the rest of your credits. MARJOE I'm sorry, sometimes ... ALEX Sometimes what? MARJOE Sometimes it doesn't work. MARJOE exits and ALEX slams the door. BOBBY I think you should all leave. ALEX Oh no, no, no, no, no. The party's just getting started. (ALEX BEGINS TO PACE LIKE A CAGED ANIMAL.) So tell me everyone, how does it feel to be better than me? BOBBY No one thinks they're better ... ALEX That's exactly what you all think or else you wouldn't be here. Let's see. (PAUSE AS HE LOOKS AT THEM.) Charlie. How's the AIDS thing going? CHARLIE I'm HIV positive, let's not rush things. ALEX And just to clarify, you got the virus by having unsafe sex right? BOBBY Don't take this out on them. ALEX You'll get your turn. So Chuck you never have explained exactly how you got the bug. Drunk, junkie, negative boys like me are kinda curious. BOBBY The condom broke! It was defective, what does it matter? ALEX When you all volunteer to be my saviors, it matters! Answer me, Charlie! CHARLIE I smoked crack. LYNDON Don't. ALEX Really? Never took you for a crackhead. CHARLIE Once. With a guy I met at the Roxy ... (IRONICALLY) Stanley. LYNDON You don't owe him an explanation. CHARLIE Maybe I do. Who the hell am I to try and save anyone? I was lonely and Stanley taught me to smoke crack in the bathroom. I did some shots at the bar, we did some more crack in his bedroom, and the next afternoon when I woke up I forgot what we did. But the next day I remembered. BOBBY Charlie it doesn't matter how. ALEX It just matters that he's sick and I'm not. CHARLIE But you're clean and yet you still take risks. ALEX I'd never be that stupid. CHARLIE I never thought I'd be that stupid either, but I was. Now I hold on. Pray. ALEX Please don't say "for a cure"? CHARLIE I'm not that pathetic. (SILENCE) LYNDON Charlie ... CHARLIE I pray it will be silent and hide so I can live my life. Quietly. ALEX Well, I wake up with a hangover, not a viral load. CHARLIE I know what I wake up with! I don't need someone like you to remind me! ALEX Someone like me? CHARLIE You think you're so ... detached. Bobby went to all this trouble and to you it's just a game. You're the one who thinks he's superior! ALEX Only negative. CHARLIE One slip Alex and you're on my side of the doctor's office. ALEX Don't lecture me. I may be an addict, but I'm healthy. LYNDON Lucky! That's all you are, Alex. ALEX And you should know all about luck, old man. LYNDON I am grateful. ALEX But I betcha miss the glory days of your youth. LYNDON I recall my past fondly. ALEX Of course you do ... every night with a stiff martini and a bottle of poppers. LYNDON Flail about, wildcat. I'm alive because I took care of myself. I stopped doing things I loved because I loved life more. ALEX And now, do you enjoy your life as much? BOBBY Over here, Alex! I'm the one you want. LYNDON My life lacks a certain ... luminosity. ALEX You're all so fucking jealous that I'm on one helluva ride ... the exact same ride you all desperately want to be on. JOETTE You don't see me lining up to buy a ticket. ALEX But you'd be digging your pudgy hands in your pockets for loose change if Bobby wanted to ride. JOETTE I would not. ALEX You would do anything for Bobby. We have that in common. JOETTE Don't connect us. ALEX Too late. We both flank Bobby. Me on the good side and you on the other. I know it hurts ... I mean it must ... while you're looking at Bobby, he's looking at me ... 'cause we both know that the lifelong friend always wins out over the fag hag. JOETTE I am not ... ALEX Sorry, I broke gay rule number fifty-seven: Never let the fag hag know she's a fag hag. JOETTE I know what I am! ALEX And what is that? JOETTE (BEAT) Don't try to turn this around to deflect the accusations you're unable to refute. You're a sociopathic, sexual compulsive ... ALEX And you're a homely woman in love with a gay man. Who's worse off? I may be a syzygy, but I get it. You're under this delusion that you're actually happy.
JOETTE
I am a very happy person. BOBBY Stop it! This is not about hurting them, it's about what you did last night? And the night before? ALEX So I go out! Big deal. I'm not so uptight that I need to stay home every night and watch some fucking moron redecorate a house on a budget. I don't make up a bunch of rules that I have to live by! I live my life the way I want. BOBBY (BEAT) We had such hopes. ALEX You did. BOBBY We both did. What went wrong? ALEX I don't know Bobby, what do you think? The lighting shifts and we're in the past. BOBBY and ALEX are in their mid 20s. BOBBY I think I've fallen in love. ALEX You think? Or you have? BOBBY Since I've never been in love before, I'm not really sure. ALEX Bobby Dean, do you have a boner? (HE GRABS BOBBY'S BALLS.) BOBBY Stop. ALEX What's his name? BOBBY I ... I shouldn't say. ALEX Do I know him? BOBBY Sort of. ALEX Who is it? BOBBY We're friends. Maybe we're more than friends, I think we are, but I'm not sure. ALEX You're blushing. BOBBY It's nice. ALEX I'm happy for you. And a little jealous. BOBBY Don't be. ALEX Not in a Dynasty sort of way, just a smidge. I don't want to share you. BOBBY You don't have to. ALEX Every little boy has to grow up to become a beautiful man. And that's what you are -- a beautiful man. BOBBY You are, too. ALEX (BEAT) I have my days. So who is he? Who's this love of your life? BOBBY kisses ALEX on the lips. BOBBY You are. The love of my life.
ALEX
Wow. Since when? BOBBY It doesn't have a starting date. It's always been. Call it the magic of the rainbow moon. ALEX We're friends, Bobby, let's not ruin that. BOBBY We're going to build upon it. ALEX Until the day we break up because I cheated on you or ... you don't want to move out of the city. I want you in my life forever. BOBBY So do I. We can make it work. And we'll never know unless we try. ALEX How I love that smile. (BEAT) Bobby, I am flattered, I really am. But I'm not worth ... you. BOBBY That's ridiculous. ALEX The good part of my life starts and ends with you. BOBBY It's the same with me. ALEX No it isn't. Look at yourself. College has helped you grow into this beautiful man. You need to keep growing, you need to wander. BOBBY Wander with me. ALEX No. I'll only keep you down. But wherever you go, I'll always be watching. BOBBY You're turning me down, aren't you? ALEX Oh, sweetie. Yeah, I am. BOBBY Really? You're really turning me down. ALEX nods. BOBBY (PAUSE) Can I have a goodbye kiss? ALEX How about a hello kiss? They kiss tenderly. ALEX (CONT'D) Isn't that better? BOBBY (BEAT, THEN LAUGHING) No. They embrace. It's obvious ALEX isn't convinced that this is the right thing to do. BOBBY (CONT'D) Just so you know, I don't feel any different. ALEX Neither do I. BOBBY So what do we do now? The lights shift and we're back to the present. ALEX I don't know Bobby, what do we do? BOBBY I'm moving. JOETTE Yes! ALEX No. JOETTE Come over tonight and get the rest of your things tomorrow. BOBBY I'm not moving in with you, Joette. I'm just moving. JOETTE What do you mean? ALEX You're not moving out! Tomorrow you'll realize how idiotic this whole thing is and we'll put it behind us. BOBBY No ... I've already put too much behind me. I'm moving to Seattle.
BOBBY I have to. ALEX You don't have to. BOBBY I can't watch you do ... what you do any longer. And if I'm here I'll be watching you instead of watching me. JOETTE Did you spin the globe and land on Seattle? How fucking impulsive can you be? BOBBY I got a job offer. And I'm taking it. ALEX You can't. Look I'll try ... I'll cut back, I swear. BOBBY I hope you do. LYNDON What job? BOBBY I'm going to manage a non-profit theatre. JOETTE You're a buyer for Bloomingdale's. What the hell do you know about managing a theatre? BOBBY Management is management. And I double-majored in theatre. CHARLIE That sounds exciting. JOETTE It sounds irresponsible. ALEX And unnecessary. Don't go. LYNDON How'd you ever find out about it? BOBBY The artistic director is the boyfriend of some guy I met at a work thing. He needs a managing director, we hit it off, and he hired me. You know how these things work. JOETTE No, I don't, Bobby. I don't know how these things work. But I'm just the stupid fag hag who tries to establish roots and form friendships. I'm not the frivolous gay boy who gets to go play on stage in Seattle. BOBBY I have to go. ALEX Will you stop saying that! JOETTE You want to go. You want to leave us. BOBBY There is no us!
JOETTE
I know that. I was talking about all of us. ALEX Bobby ... Bobby, you're not going to Seattle. BOBBY I've gotten lost too, Alex. Somewhere along the way I got lost and convinced myself that this is the life I should be leading. Just like you've done. But it's not. And I'm tired of dodging the balls. I always wanted to be still. CHARLIE But Seattle? Can't you be still in Secaucus? BOBBY It's a little farther away than I imagined, but what am I leaving behind? Really? JOETTE Well, thank you very much! BOBBY I knew you wouldn't be able to understand. ALEX I don't understand, either! Why the hell did you plan this... intervention ... if you weren't going to stay around to clean up the mess? BOBBY I wasn't sure I was going to accept the offer. But nothing's going to change. I can't fix you anymore. I've tried very hard, but you won't let me. (PAUSE) You should all go now. LYNDON, JOETTE, and CHARLIE start to go, but stop when ALEX starts to talk. ALEX (BEAT) You look in the mirror and you smile, Bobby. You smile that beautiful smile. You snuggle into one side of your queen size bed every night and you sleep ... peacefully. It doesn't happen for me. BOBBY It could. ALEX Bobby, I'm not that brave little boy in gym class. That little boy is dead. BOBBY I can still see him. ALEX You have such beautiful eyes. Because you don't use them. BOBBY I see what you used to be ... what we used to be. ALEX People change and people die. (BEAT) Charlie knows that every time he swallows a pill. CHARLIE And what goes through your mind each time you swallow a pill? ALEX My mirror is going to smile back at me. And my mind is going to forget what I really am. BOBBY Why? You have everything. ALEX Use your eyes! LYNDON He's right, Alex. People would kill for your potential. ALEX Why'd you have to bring them? Why couldn't you just talk to me? BOBBY Because you're not you anymore! You're this ... impression of Alex. The only conversations we have now are about fucking or drugs or fucking with drugs ... Maybe this was a mistake, maybe I shouldn't have dragged these people into our business, but I did. ALEX My business! It's my business. BOBBY Yes, your business. And your life. ALEX That's right, it's my life! I get up, I go to my dead-end job, I go to a bar, I get drunk, I get high, I fuck a bartender, sometimes a bartender fucks me, and I get up the next day to do it all over again because unlike all of you I don't expect the next day to be different from the one before. BOBBY But it could be. ALEX Bullshit! Everybody hopes their life will change ... they'll bump into their soulmate ... or discover a miracle cure! I know nothing changes so I don't waste my time looking for it. You all want to save me, but what's there to save? I've never had a boyfriend for more than a few months at a stretch. I suck at my job. My family hates me because I'm not going to produce a fucking grandchild! BOBBY That's not true ... ALEX goes to BOBBY and holds his face in both his hands. He is tender, but desperate. From this point on, ALEX does not move from where he is standing. He is cemented to the floor just like BOBBY was in the opening. ALEX I am not you, Bobby. Maybe once upon a long time ago, but I'm just a fuck-up whose only link to anything good is about to leave ... (ALEX BEGINS TO CRY.) Please Bobby ... don't leave me. SFX: Phone rings LYNDON picks it up on the third ring. LYNDON Hello. Once again BETTINA appears. She is much more drunk than she was before and is slurring her words. BETTINA Hello!! Put me on speaker, I wanna speak to Alex! LYNDON puts the phone on speaker. BETTINA (CONT'D) Alexxxxx! Alex, you there? ALEX Yes. BETTINA Didja like my gift? ALEX It was perfect. Thank you. BETTINA Yea!!! Bettina always comes through for her bestest, bestest friend in the whole wide world. Did you make plans to fuck him again? Please say you're gonna fuck him again.
ALEX
I'm gonna fuck him again. BETTINA Yeah! Plan it for when I'm back. I can watch. I love getting me some man on man action. So where is everybody? It's quiet. BOBBY We're all here. LYNDON We've just shooshed in your honor. BETTINA Oh, you ... faggotty charmer, you. So, Alex, where are you going tonight? Can you get me more coke from that friend of yours, the spic? My stash at home is almost empty and these friggin' terrorists have made it so fuckin hard for a stewardess to smuggle a happy meal overseas. It's not right, I tell ya! ALEX I'll do what I can. BOBBY Well, you have fun, Bettina. We have to start on part two of our evening. BETTINA I wish I could be there. But I'm trapped in fucking Sweden. CHARLIE I thought you said you were in Norway? BETTINA Sweden, Norway, what's the difference? It's the middle of the night and the sun is shining. I'm in Scandifuckinavia! I'm gonna go now and hook up with Teri or one of the girls or a group of guys. Mama's not choosy. ALEX Bettina ... BETTINA Yeah? ALEX Be careful. BETTINA Oh, fuck! You sound like my mother. I'll have to start calling you stupid cow, too! (HER LAUGHTER TURNS INTO COUGHING.) BOBBY Bye, Bettina. BOBBY hangs up the phone. Lights fade on BETTINA as she continues to cough. ALEX Go. Get out of here. LYNDON Will you be alright? BOBBY We'll be fine. ALEX He was asking you. LYNDON I was asking both of you. (BEAT) I know where you can get the world's smallest umbrella. You can carry it with you all the time in Seattle. BOBBY Thanks. You'll watch out for him? LYNDON From a safe distance. ALEX I don't need a flaming queen up my ass. LYNDON That's what all the boys say. At first. I'll call you tomorrow. LYNDON and BOBBY hug and kiss. LYNDON exits. CHARLIE Good luck, Bobby. (THEY HUG.) I'll talk to you before you go, of course. Alex, if it's an emergency, call me. Otherwise ... good luck to you, too. CHARLIE exits. JOETTE I have nothing clever, witty, pithy or kind to say. BOBBY Heartfelt is always good. JOETTE (BEAT) I do have a lot of frequent flyer miles, you know. BOBBY You'll have to use them. JOETTE hesitates then kisses BOBBY quickly on the cheek and leaves. BOBBY is unsure what to do with himself now that he and ALEX are alone. ALEX (BEAT) I admitted it. BOBBY Good. That's good. ALEX You won't change your mind? BOBBY No. ALEX Can I visit? BOBBY Of course. BOBBY opens his bedroom door, but ALEX can't move. ALEX Hey you? BOBBY Yeah. ALEX What's your name? BOBBY Bobby Dean. ALEX I'm Alex. From now on Bobby Dean ... will you be my friend?
BOBBY
Sure. BLACKOUT THE END Table of Contents: syzygy
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