Issue 5 • Spring 2003 • Featured Writer • Drama
Avery CrozierLondonLondon
MUSEUM GUIDE
(British accent.)
The Darwin Centre is our way of sharing more of our cultural patrimony with the public -- and the world. More than one hundred people a day benefit from behind-the-scenes tours of laboratories and collection storage.
Lights up sequentially on SCHILLER, ARJAY, ROGER, and finally, after a pause, MILDRED, who looks annoyed to be there.
SCHILLER
Only one hundred?
MUSEUM GUIDE
Conservation reasons, really. Zoological specimens are sensitive to light, changes in temperature, even fluctuations in humidity caused by the presence of human beings.
SCHILLER
I know. I'm the VP of Strategic Planning for the Natural History Museum of Los Angeles County --
MUSEUM GUIDE
Brilliant!
ROGER
Not really. I could show you some report cards --
MUSEUM GUIDE
Pardon?
SCHILLER
Dad!
MILDRED
We're Americans.
MUSEUM GUIDE
Yes, well, I assumed --
SCHILLER
We're in the process of planning a new facility as well, and open storage or at least visible storage is one thing we're considering, but doesn't it defeat the purpose if only a hundred people a day can tour? And the salaries of guides --
ARJAY
Not that we'd wish anybody out of a job --
SCHILLER
No, of course not, sorry --
MUSEUM GUIDE
No offense, truly.
SCHILLER
It just doesn't seem efficient. And with the economy the way it is --
MUSEUM GUIDE
Museums are much more heavily subsidized by the government here than in the States. You're at the mercy of the market, aren't you?
SCHILLER
We are, indeed.
ROGER
Scholarship actually has value in England.
MUSEUM GUIDE
Oh, I'm sure in the U.S. --
ROGER
I'm a college professor -- or was until I retired -- when was it Mildred -- ?
MILDRED
A long time ago.
ROGER
And I made less --
SCHILLER
Dad, don't --
ROGER
(Overlapping.)
-- Than Schiller used to as a secretary --
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SCHILLER
That was a really long time ago --
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MILDRED
Mind you, we live in Oklahoma --
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ROGER
Forty-fifth, was it, in the nation, for education funding -- ?
MILDRED
Forty-eighth.
SCHILLER
About how many specimens in the zoology collections of the Darwin Centre?
MUSEUM GUIDE
Super question! There are more than 60 million precious specimens in the Life Sciences collections. For instance, these bats --
(SCHILLER, MILDRED, ROGER and ARJAY all lean in to look.)
-- Are just a sample of the Chiropteran collections --
ROGER
That's Latin, Mildred. Amo, amas, amat.
MUSEUM GUIDE
But if you step this way, we can go directly into storage, where you can see where we keep the rest of the bats --
ROGER
You go on. I'll wait here.
SCHILLER
Dad, this is the behind-the-scenes part.
(To MUSEUM GUIDE.)
It's not long, is it?
MUSEUM GUIDE
We can breeze right through if you like. Just for a sampling.
ROGER
No, I'm fine to sit.
MILDRED
I think we're jet-lagging, Schiller.
ROGER
Do you want to go back to the hotel, Mildred?
MILDRED
No, I'm all right for now.
ROGER
It's almost time for our nap.
SCHILLER
You'll never get over the jet lag if you sleep now --
ARJAY
Schiller --
ROGER
(To MUSEUM GUIDE.)
You have to remember, we're old.
MUSEUM GUIDE
Oh, now --
SCHILLER
I'm sorry. I think we'll have to cut this short.
ROGER
No, no, go on and we'll meet you here.
ARJAY
Don't you need your nap?
MILDRED
We can wait.
ROGER
As long as it's not too long. I'm sorry -- I spent too much time with the Belgian Marbles --
MILDRED
Elgin, Roger.
ROGER
Wanted to see them before you have to give 'em back to Greece.
MUSEUM GUIDE
That's unlikely, actually.
SCHILLER
If you take a nap will you be able to go to the theatre later?
MILDRED
Oh, no. Just dinner will be fine.
ROGER
It's too expensive.
SCHILLER
Theatre here is cheap!
ROGER
It's enough just to be in London.
(To MUSEUM GUIDE.)
Ever been to America?
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MUSEUM GUIDE
Canada, once.
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SCHILLER
It's too late. I already bought tickets.
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ROGER
I mean the United States.
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MILDRED
Can't you exchange them?
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MUSEUM GUIDE
I'm afraid not. But I'd love to see the Grand Canyon.
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SCHILLER
That's why we're here, so Dad can see London theatre!
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MILDRED
Where in Canada did you go?
MUSEUM GUIDE
Toronto. I was visiting relatives on holiday.
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MILDRED
Roger, what's-their-names moved to Toronto. From Sauk Centre.
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ROGER
Who?
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ROGER
Anhorns?
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SCHILLER
I'm going even if you don't.
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MILDRED
That's right. Merle and Shirley Anhorn.
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MUSEUM GUIDE
How absolutely bizarre!
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SCHILLER
Arjay, do we know anyone here?
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MILDRED
Do you know them?
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ARJAY
In London? Why?
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MUSEUM GUIDE
They were my uncle's tenants. They took a flat in his building. He's rather spherical, isn't he? And she's got an unusual --
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SCHILLER
We have to do something with these tickets.
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MILDRED
Wig.
MUSEUM GUIDE
I was going to say hairstyle.
MILDRED
It's a wig. Hasn't changed in 30 years.
MUSEUM GUIDE
Amazing that you know them!
ROGER
Mildred can connect with anybody. Since you know the Anhorns, you're practically family. If you're ever in Oklahoma, we've got Schiller's old room --
SCHILLER
Dad!
Lights out on everyone but ROGER.
ROGER
The perfect theatre audience. We subscribe to the OCU theatre season and then Lyric in the summer -- musicals only, but sometimes they're pretty good. For Oklahoma. Theatre audiences are graying all over the country -- they all look like us. College educated, some with advanced degrees. Good old-fashioned liberal arts education that's fallen into disrepute as impractical. I heard of a poll -- this was in the eighties -- they asked students the same question they asked in the sixties and in the seventies: "Why do you go to college?" In the seventies the answer was, overwhelmingly, "To get an education, to learn." By the eighties it was "To get a better job." Remember who was president then. Knowledge for its own sake was suddenly tainted, suspect. You don't want to be too smart because that's, well, un-American. But that's who's going to the theatre -- intelligent, educated people who remember what theatre's about. Liberals, God forbid!
Lights up on SCHILLER, ARJAY and MILDRED with ROGER.
ARJAY
Mildred, did you like it?
MILDRED
Arjay, I don't know if I've told you this before, but I'm incapable of anticipation. I can't get excited about anything coming up, and I don't know why. Just habit, I suppose, trying prevent disappointment.
SCHILLER
That is so Minnesotan.
ARJAY
So you weren't excited about seeing the play?
MILDRED
No, not at all.
ROGER
She's never excited about seeing a play. Not even when I was directing.
SCHILLER
I'm sorry you didn't like it, Mom. The Winter's Tale isn't Shakespeare's best, but I thought this was an excellent production --
MILDRED
Oh, Schiller, it was just wonderful! I didn't know Shakespeare could be good!
ROGER
Hey!
MILDRED
I've only seen Shakespeare done by student actors.
ROGER
But they were my students!
MILDRED
I know, Roger, but they were students. These were actors.
SCHILLER
See! It was like pulling teeth to get you to go --
ROGER
Mildred, my shoe's untied.
MILDRED
(Kneeling to tie ROGER'S shoe.)
And I could understand them all!
SCHILLER
It helped that it was set in the American South. Mother, what are you doing?
ROGER
She is tying my shoe.
SCHILLER
You can't tie your shoe?
ROGER
I can. But.
MILDRED
He gets out of breath bending over like that. It's just easier if I do it.
SCHILLER
What's your doctor say about that?
ROGER
Lose weight, exercise, same damn thing every doctor says. Are you gonna say it, too?
SCHILLER
Heaven forbid. But still, tying your shoes --
ROGER
Does your bathroom have a washcloth?
ARJAY
How about some dinner?
ROGER AND MILDRED
Ours doesn't.
ARJAY
Indian food is great in London.
ROGER
But it's got curry.
ARJAY
The best curry outside of India.
SCHILLER
What's wrong with curry?
ROGER
It's -- what's the word, Mildred -- ?
MILDRED
Cloying.
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ROGER
That's right, it's cloying.
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SCHILLER
Cloying?!
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ARJAY
What's cloying?
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ROGER
Sickly sweet.
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MILDRED
Overly sweet.
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SCHILLER
Like it's going bad.
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SCHILLER
When have you had curry?
MILDRED
The Burralls made it for us. And they lived in India when Elmer was a missionary.
ROGER
And it was --
EVERYBODY
Cloying!
Lights out on everyone and simultaneously up on the HOST of a bed and breakfast.
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Next Page:
Bath (page 4 of 9 pages)
All Pages: See the entire play on one page
Table of Contents: Walking to Buchenwald
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