Issue 5 • Spring 2003 • Featured Writer • Drama
Avery CrozierBathBath
HOST
Now the weir is quite interesting. It's a double weir, very rare, and you can't miss it as you cross the bridge.
Lights up on MILDRED, ARJAY and SCHILLER.
MILDRED AND ARJAY
What's a weir?
SCHILLER
A fish trap, isn't it?
HOST
Or a dam. It's actually quite dangerous.
MILDRED
We don't have those in the States. But Roger loves to fish. Schiller, too.
ARJAY
You're kidding.
SCHILLER
Not since I was a kid.
MILDRED
One time when Schiller was three, they were catching sunfish after sunfish, none of the usual waiting around slapping mosquitoes. They just kept coming without a break. Finally Schiller just threw down the pole and announced, "Me all done fittin'!"
SCHILLER
Ma!
MILDRED
Schiller is easily embarrassed. You should just accept that we're your parents and we're going to be embarrassing.
SCHILLER
I'm not embarrassed, but not everybody wants to hear about --
HOST
Oh, no! I love hearing about peoples' lives, especially Americans. That's why we started a bed and breakfast. Where are you from?
MILDRED
Roger taught theatre at Oklahoma City University, and I taught grade school until I couldn't stand it any more -- discipline was all it was -- and then I managed a shop in a science museum.
HOST
Were you there for the bombing?
SCHILLER
They felt it!
MILDRED
It shook the house. We live near the railroad, so we thought a tanker had exploded.
HOST
Did you...know anyone...?
MILDRED
No.
SCHILLER
A girl I went to high school with. But I didn't really know her.
MILDRED
I don't believe in capital punishment, but --
SCHILLER
Oh, our whole justice system sucks. Three strikes -- prisons filling up --
MILDRED
Don't get me started!
ARJAY
The memorial is beautiful.
SCHILLER
Only decent design in the entire state.
MILDRED
It's a very conservative state. We're the only Democrats we know.
SCHILLER
We don't live there. Arjay and I live in Los Angeles. Arjay teaches at Art Center College of Design in Pasadena --
HOST
How interesting! I really do love Americans. Only been to New York and Washington, and Florida. Never to Los Angeles or Oklahoma --
SCHILLER
Not much to see.
MILDRED
Roger and I are from Minnesota, but we couldn't take the cold. And the people are nice, even if they all belong to the John Birch Society.
HOST
All Americans are nice. Except New Yorkers. We had this Jewish couple stay here and they complained about everything --
SCHILLER
New Yorkers always complain -- it doesn't matter who --
HOST
The bed was too soft, the toast was cold. I moved them to the haunted room.
ARJAY
There's a haunted room?
SCHILLER
That is so cool! How does it -- manifest?
HOST
Sometimes there's a woman who sits on the bed.
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MILDRED
Ish, I got a chill!
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ARJAY
Have you seen her?
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SCHILLER
What period are her clothes?
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HOST
My daughter saw her. I think she's from the eighteenth century. That's when most of Bath was built, but this house is a little bit older. She seems friendly.
ARJAY
So what else should we see other than the weird?
SCHILLER
Weir.
ARJAY
Other than the dam fish trap.
SCHILLER
We need to see the Abbey Church, the Royal Crescent, and of course the Roman baths.
ARJAY
Can we go in?
HOST
Oh, no! Absolutely teeming with bacteria. Once you see it you won't want to go in!
SCHILLER
Don't worry. I've got it all planned out to minimize walking.
ARJAY
Schiller plans.
SCHILLER
Somebody has to! Arjay's been all over the world without a plan.
ARJAY
I never had a problem.
SCHILLER
That's because the universe takes care of you. It's amazing -- you don't speak anything, and yet people always help you --
ARJAY
Schiller planned this whole trip, in case you can't guess.
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SCHILLER
I'm part of the universe that takes care of you.
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MILDRED
And you've done a wonderful job -- I can hardly believe it!
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ARJAY
What's that Italian saying?
SCHILLER
Uomo proposo, Dio disposo.
MILDRED
What's that mean?
ARJAY
Man plans --
SCHILLER
Man proposes, God disposes. But people like you need people like me. I'm the kind of person who gets things done.
ARJAY
You're the kind of person who makes the trains run on time.
MILDRED
Oh, the trains here are amazing! We only have Amtrak at home and it always seems to be going bankrupt.
HOST
Isn't the whole country going bankrupt?
MILDRED
What?
SCHILLER
What do you mean?
HOST
Not to be rude, but your president is a real DH.
ARJAY
DH?
HOST
A real dickhead!
MILDRED
That's what Roger calls him! Roger!
ROGER
(Off.)
Just a minute, Mildred! I'm eating!
HOST
He's got no notion whatsoever of foreign policy. The Unilateral States of America.
ROGER
(Comes in, wiping his mouth.)
What am I missing in here?
MILDRED
We're talking politics. American politics!
(To HOST.)
I hardly watch any television, but I never miss Washington Week in Review. I don't care about movies, music, sports -- and Roger can hardly drag me to a play, but I love politics! You don't know how isolated we feel in Oklahoma. They all think the president is wonderful.
ROGER
President Dickhead.
MILDRED
See!
HOST
DH was my attempt at politesse.
ROGER
Especially since 9/11. A real DH!
SCHILLER
How was breakfast?
ROGER
Just wonderful! I ate your bacon for you.
SCHILLER
(To HOST.)
It was very good, but if we're not careful these English breakfasts can really add up.
ROGER
Are you implying -- ?
SCHILLER
Nothing, Dad, nothing! I just don't want to eat too much. We've got a lot of ground to cover today.
MILDRED
Not too much ground. We hardly ever walk at home.
HOST
Bath is quite compact. You can see most of it on foot.
SCHILLER
So I won't have to drive at all!
ROGER
And a good thing, too! When we first rented the car --
SCHILLER
Gimme a break! It's the first time I ever drove on the left!
ROGER
-- Schiller drove too close to the curb and all of a sudden the sideview mirror was in Arjay's lap!
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MILDRED
We never did see what we hit.
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SCHILLER
They don't give you any instructions at the rental place. No rules of the road, no tips about driving on the left.
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ARJAY
I just popped the mirror back on.
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ROGER
You almost killed us on that first roundabout!
SCHILLER
Dad!
HOST
How many days is your trip?
Lights out on everyone but SCHILLER and ARJAY, who are isolated in light together.
ARJAY
They're not so bad.
SCHILLER
They're not your parents.
ARJAY
They hardly complain at all, and they're so grateful. It could have been so much worse.
SCHILLER
They're too goddamn friendly! The British are reserved!
ARJAY
You're too easily embarrassed.
SCHILLER
It's hard enough being an American in Europe right now, but they make me feel like a resentful teenager again -- like magic!
ARJAY
If I haven't said so before, I think it's really nice you're doing this for them.
SCHILLER
I'm a good kid?
ARJAY
You're a good kid.
(Kissing SCHILLER.)
SCHILLER
You realize that's the first time we've kissed this whole trip?
ARJAY
(Shrugs.)
That's what happens around parents. I'm sure you'll be very happy you did this --
ARJAY AND SCHILLER
-- When it's over.
They sit down in two chairs next to each other.
SCHILLER
This is definitely the most exciting thing they've ever done in their lives. They're not exactly accomplished.
ARJAY
But it is amazing how much breakfast your father can put away. That's an accomplishment!
SCHILLER
And he starts asking about lunch by ten AM!
Lights up on MILDRED and ROGER seated directly behind SCHILLER and ARJAY. SCHILLER is driving.
ROGER
I think your mother's getting a little hungry.
SCHILLER
We just ate.
ROGER
She's borderline hypoglycemic.
MILDRED
Hush, Roger. I'm not hungry. But if there's a turn-off soon, I need to go to the bathroom.
ROGER
(To ARJAY.)
Mildred is always hungry, thirsty, or has to go to the bathroom.
SCHILLER
Whereas Dad is always hungry.
ROGER
Enough to eat curry.
ARJAY
And you liked it!
ROGER
It was surprisingly good. Not --
EVERYONE
-- Cloying!
SCHILLER
That's what's good about travel -- you end up trying things you never thought you'd like.
MILDRED
How far away are we from the Crossett site?
ARJAY
Is that a stone circle?
SCHILLER
It's a genealogical site. The Crossetts were --
MILDRED
My father's mother's family. Sherm and Caryl saw some Crossett graves in Cornwall. Near here, is that right, Schiller?
SCHILLER
Kinda.
ARJAY
Are you having a good time, Mildred?
MILDRED
Oh, yes, Arjay, it's just wonderful.
ARJAY
Aren't you glad I talked you into coming?
(Pause.)
You weren't going to until I talked to you.
ROGER
(Starting to tear up.)
That's not exactly --
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SCHILLER
What?
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ARJAY
Roger, what's wrong?
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MILDRED
(Quickly.) Thank you, Arjay.
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ROGER
Nothing. A bug flew in my eye. Close the window.
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MILDRED
Thanks for talking me into it.
ROGER
It'd be no fun without Mildred.
MILDRED
Oh, look, here's another circle-round!
SCHILLER
Roundabout, Mother, roundabout!
MILDRED
Careful -- I have to pee!
They all lean the same direction for a fast turn. Lights out on them and up on VISITOR drinking from a paper cup.
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Next Page:
Cornwall (page 5 of 9 pages)
All Pages: See the entire play on one page
Table of Contents: Walking to Buchenwald
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