Issue 5 • Spring 2003 • Featured Writer • Drama
Avery CrozierCornwallCornwall
In the dark, the chairs are rearranged. VISITOR sits. Lights up on SCHILLER, ARJAY, MILDRED and ROGER, seated, eating some form of prepackaged convenience food. ROGER eats enthusiastically.
SCHILLER
The Eden Project is a perfect model for museums of the future. Its message is everywhere -- sustainability is possible. See? The seating is recycled tires, everything we're eating is grown locally and organically.
ROGER
Right here in Devon?
SCHILLER
Cornwall, Dad. We passed through Devon on the way here.
ROGER
A long scary drive on the left side.
SCHILLER
But this is so worth it for our planning the new museum. American museums are too old-fashioned, passive. These displays are thoughtful, integrated, with action items outlined -- Americans have the largest ecological footprint of any people in the world, but if we --
MILDRED sees the VISITOR and pauses in her eating. SCHILLER sees where she is looking.
SCHILLER
Mother, no.
MILDRED
Eating alone is so awful.
SCHILLER
No. Please.
MILDRED
It's a wasted day unless you talk to the local people. I don't know what I'll do in France and Germany since I don't speak the language.
SCHILLER
These are very reserved people --
MILDRED
Would you like to join us?
(VISITOR reacts with surprise.)
Would you? I hate eating alone, don't you?
VISITOR
(Joining them.)
I don't want to intrude.
MILDRED
Not at all. Please sit down. I'm Mildred and this is my husband, Roger.
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VISITOR
Hello.
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ROGER
Hi there.
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SCHILLER
I'm Schiller.
MILDRED
And this is Schiller's friend, Arjay.
ARJAY
How do you do?
VISITOR
I'm Beverly.
ROGER AND MILDRED
We're Americans.
SCHILLER
As if you couldn't guess.
VISITOR
You can always tell Americans on holiday. They look like giant six year-olds in short pants.
MILDRED
Beverly's such a British name. Do people call you Bev?
VISITOR
No, Beverly. Don't get so many Americans as we used to.
MILDRED
This is our first time to England.
ROGER
To Europe!
ARJAY AND SCHILLER
We've been before.
ROGER
Bet you've seen a real drop-off in tourism since --
VISITOR
It's about to get worse.
MILDRED
What do you mean?
ROGER
Did something happen? Our dickhead president --
VISITOR
Your hotel room doesn't have telly?
SCHILLER
It's a bed and breakfast, and both TVs only showed cartoons.
ROGER
And no washcloth! Again! Must be some kind of regulation.
MILDRED
What happened?
VISITOR
Your president --
MILDRED AND ROGER
Not our!
ROGER, ARJAY, AND SCHILLER
We didn't vote for him!
VISITOR
Well, he's your president, just the same, isn't he?
MILDRED
What are we supposed to do, assassinate him?
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SCHILLER
Mother!
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ROGER
Mildred!
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MILDRED
Well, we voted. What good did it do? What's an average person supposed to do?
ROGER
I think we have to trust the system. It's the best system of government in the world. I came of age between wars, so I never fought for it, but I would have, maybe not for Vietnam, but --
VISITOR
But it's breaking down, isn't it?
ROGER
At least we were never an empire like England or France --
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SCHILLER
Dad, calm down.
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ARJAY
What do you mean breaking down?
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VISITOR
Your last election --
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ROGER
Just wait till the next one.
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ARJAY
The pendulum will swing.
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VISITOR
And now, with this tactical alert --
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MILDRED
Tactical alert?
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SCHILLER
What's that mean?
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VISITOR
It means the world is nervous. More forces --
ROGER
Don't worry -- checks and balances --
VISITOR
Pretty unchecked at this point.
ROGER
Like I said, we're hardly dashing to become the next evil empire.
VISITOR
That usually happens slowly -- more like a walk. But it's getting brisker, isn't it?
ROGER
We're not Germany!
VISITOR
Germany took a long time to become Germany. Hitler was just exploiting the German character.
ROGER
The German character? You're still not over the War, are you? You're prejudiced against Germans. I'm part German.
MILDRED
In fact, if you counted the English, Welsh, Irish, and Scottish as separate groups, Germans are the largest ancestral group in America.
VISITOR
I'm not suggesting panic. But we've seen a lot of this before, haven't we?
ROGER
(Sighs, defeated.)
Mildred's right -- what can one person do?
MILDRED
Remember that old moral question that we used to fantasize about? If you could go back in time and assassinate Hitler would you?
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ROGER
Of course!
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SCHILLER
You used to fantasize about that?
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ARJAY
In a minute.
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VISITOR
Right.
MILDRED
What if in the future people are saying that about our president -- and we were the ones who had the opportunity to kill him, but didn't?
ROGER
Mildred, don't talk like that!
SCHILLER
I think they can arrest you for even saying that, Mother.
VISITOR
But you're not in America, are you?
MILDRED
Exactly! Roger, imagine that! I actually feel freer here than in America.
(Loudly.)
Assassinate the president!
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SCHILLER
Mother, hush!
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ROGER
Mildred!
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ARJAY
Jesus!
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MILDRED
Oh, I'll be quiet. But think about it.
SCHILLER
When we get home you can go to a demonstration.
MILDRED
I'm too old to go marching. My hips would protest louder than I can.
ARJAY
Rosa Parks changed everything by just sitting down.
MILDRED
I have to carry a board with me to sit on --
(Shows it.)
SCHILLER
Oh, Mom, don't --
ROGER
We call it her butt board.
MILDRED
I got osteoporosis which led to sciatica, so after I had a bone spur removed they gave me estrogen, but of course in those days they didn't know how much to give so apparently I overdosed because in a few years I had to have a mastectomy --
SCHILLER
Mom, I'm sure --
MILDRED
And then five years later, I lost the other breast --
SCHILLER
(To VISITOR.)
You don't want to hear this, do you -- ?
VISITOR
It's all right.
MILDRED
And then five years after that --
(Digs in her purse.)
-- I had to have a hysterectomy --
SCHILLER
Mom, no -- !
MILDRED
(Pulling a Polaroid from her purse.)
You want to see a picture of my cyst?
SCHILLER
Mom, put that away.
VISITOR
(Looking at the Polaroid.)
It looks like a deflated beach ball.
ROGER
As big as a cantaloupe.
SCHILLER
A grapefruit.
MILDRED AND ROGER
A cantaloupe!
ARJAY
(To SCHILLER.)
Thank God they don't speak French.
Lights out on everyone except SCHILLER.
SCHILLER
The whole concept of museums started in the eighteenth century with cabinets of curiosities, usually brought back from voyages overseas. Natural specimens, cultural objects, all displayed as if -- "isn't this weird? Aren't you glad we're not like that?" The British pioneered this kind of display, exploiting public fascination with oddities and deformities. This museum was founded by a taxidermist. Can you tell?
Lights up on ARJAY, MILDRED and ROGER with SCHILLER, peering at a display.
ROGER
A goat with seven legs.
MILDRED
Poor little thing. It didn't live very long, did it?
ROGER
Growing up on the farm, I saw one or two stillborn calves with extra legs.
ARJAY
Oh, wow, look at this.
They move on to another display.
ROGER
Guinea pigs playing cricket.
MILDRED
It's cute, but creepy.
ARJAY
(Looking at another display.)
Oh, no. This is worse.
SCHILLER
Kittens serving tea.
ARJAY
Oh, my God, look.
ROGER
(Reading a label.)
"These kittens were not killed for this display."
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MILDRED
Oh, ish.
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SCHILLER
Right.
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ARJAY
Never mind that they're all the exact same kind of kittens at exactly the same age.
SCHILLER
I bet farmers knew he liked kittens and brought bags of them freshly drowned.
ROGER
That's what you do in the country. If animals are no use, you get rid of 'em.
MILDRED
Schiller, we've been to a lot of museums on this trip --
ARJAY
This one barely qualifies --
MILDRED
Aren't we close to the Crossett site, that church -- ?
SCHILLER
It's kinda out of the way, Mom.
ARJAY
I'm sick of museums, too. When are we going to see stone circles?
SCHILLER
The Hurlers are out on Bodmin Moor, just a few miles south. I figured we could see them after lunch.
ROGER
Your mother and I have to have our nap after lunch.
SCHILLER
Then Arjay and I will have to see the Hurlers without you. Trethevy Quoit is there, too.
ARJAY
What's that?
SCHILLER
They're not sure. Might be part of a prehistoric barrow tomb. Or maybe a mini Stonehenge.
MILDRED
So the Crossett site is too far away?
SCHILLER
I think so, Mom. We're only here for a day and you have to have your nap.
MILDRED
I need an acetaminophen before I can sleep.
ROGER
What are the Hurlers?
ARJAY
A stone circle.
SCHILLER
Three of them actually.
MILDRED
Oh, I wanted to see those.
SCHILLER
Do you want to nap in the car on the way?
MILDRED
No, I have to lie down. Don't worry about the Crossett site. Caryl and Sherm have pictures, I'm sure.
SCHILLER
And we don't know exactly where it is. We'd spend the whole afternoon on a wild goose chase. Our time is limited.
ROGER
How soon is lunch?
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SCHILLER
Soon, Dad!
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ARJAY
Now, if you're hungry.
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SCHILLER
He's always hungry.
ROGER
Yes, and then I will be sleepy. That's what it's like to be seventy-damn-something years old!
MILDRED
Roger, your blood sugar is low.
SCHILLER
We'll eat right away. There's a pub next door.
ROGER
And then I want a nap.
MILDRED
Oh, I looked in that pub. I'd rather not.
ARJAY
Are you tired of pub food?
MILDRED
I don't mind pubs, but this one smelled worse than usual.
ROGER
Well, we have to eat.
ARJAY
Soon.
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SCHILLER
Okay, okay! We'll eat as soon as we can find the exact right kind of restaurant that doesn't smell, even if it means driving through one-way lanes for miles! And then we'll come all the way back here so you can have your nap and then we'll drive some more so we can see the fucking stone circles and I'm sorry but we're not going to wander all over Cornwall looking for dead relatives!
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MILDRED
All right, we can eat at the pub.
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ARJAY
Could we get room service?
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ROGER
That's too expensive! And I bet the hotel doesn't even have room service.
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ROGER
Last night I dreamed about a washcloth. Don't they have them in England at all?
Lights out. French music begins, possibly La Marseillaise.
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Paris (page 6 of 9 pages)
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Table of Contents: Walking to Buchenwald
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