Issue 6 • Summer 2003 • Featured Writer • Drama
Troy HillAct I, Scene 1
Act I.
Scene 1.
Lights up on a New York apartment -- a one-bedroom with an office. The scenes can take place in the kitchen with eating area -- table and chairs. Nice but fairly non-descript -- Pottery Barn, etc. Todd is holding a plant -- a succulent -- in one hand and a drink in the other. Jonathan is stretching in sweats.
TODD
Why are you trying to murder this plant?
JON
What?
TODD
This succulent. It's the one plant I actually like in this apartment, and you're apparently determined to kill it.
JON
You don't like the plants?
TODD
Don't change the subject.
JON
You're serious.
TODD
Um, hello, yes.
JON
What are you talking about?
TODD
Well, you don't water it.
JON
Yes I do.
TODD
You don't. And then it gets knocked over, ostensibly by the cat...
JON
Her name is Delilah...
TODD
...and you just leave it there -- and it's not like you're careless about these things -- you know, what with your systems and all. And this plant, if it's lucky, gets put back and sort of stuck back in its pot, but you don't even bury it or put soil around it, it's just sitting there, roots sticking out on top of the soil, deprived of water, shocked that it's still alive while all the other plants thrive. I saw a cigarette put out in it once.
JON
We had had a party with some of your friends who smoke.
TODD
But you admitted to watching it happen without protest.
JON
I did?
TODD
Oh yes.
JON
Did it ever occur to you that you could take care of this plant yourself if it means so much to you?
TODD
So you admit to not liking it.
JON
It's not my favorite plant.
TODD
But you know I like it.
JON
Well then, why don't you take care of it? Remember our "taking responsibility" talk?
TODD
I try, but it's a losing battle around here.
JON
Why do you like this plant so much anyway?
TODD
I don't know. Does it matter why? I like the primitives I guess. Ferns, succulents.
JON
Not my favorite.
TODD
I know. But this is what I'm saying. All the plants are the plants you like. You know I like this one. And still you ignore it. I used to have one when I lived with Janice. I used to sort of meditate on it.
JON
Okay.
TODD
Oh, is that too weird for you?
JON
No.
TODD
Well, when it's popularized as the hip new tension remedy in Details magazine, you'll change your mind. No, you'll forget that I ever mentioned it. You'll be like, "Oh, wow, I love this writer. This new succulent-meditation-tension-remedy is so smart. Who would ever think of such a thing?" Just like the Jack Daniels/Lapsang Souchong cocktail I created that was later ripped off by Martha fucking Stuart.
JON
Don't take her name in vain. She's had enough troubles and bad jokes for a lifetime.
TODD
I'm not joking.
JON
What's eating you?
TODD
Nothing.
JON
Something. Remember we talked about "communication." Don't make me beg.
TODD
My yoga instructor is moving to Bennington, fucking Vermont.
JON
Don't you think you can find another class?
TODD
And, um, well, I talked to my mother today.
JON
Oh, and how is everyone?
TODD
Oh just peachy. They want one of my kidneys.
JON
What?
TODD
She wants me to be the donor for Audrey's transplant.
JON
I thought your mother was going to do it.
TODD
Apparently she's not up to it, according to her doctor -- according to her doctor according to her.
JON
Wow. Well that's great that you're going to help your sister. When is it? I need to cancel my clients.
TODD
You don't need to go.
JON
Of course I'm going to go. I'm your partner.
TODD
Ew!
JON
What?
TODD
Just don't call it that, please.
JON
What?
TODD
Partner.
JON
What then, your husband?
TODD
We're not married.
JON
Only because it's not legal. Lover?
TODD
Too kitsch. Boyfriend.
JON
What are we, in high school?
TODD
Lisa calls Doug her boyfriend.
JON
I don't think "boyfriend" is appropriate for two people who want to start a family together.
TODD
Look, whatever, just trust me on this one, it'll be so much easier. Just stay here -- and I'll go and come back and we can celebrate the fact that it's over.
JON
Oh that sounds nice.
TODD
Look this is really stressful for me as it is. Okay? I'm sorry. You know how they are. I think it will be easier if I go alone this time. I mean, believe me, I would much rather you be there, but, you know, they're just so backwards. And it's going to be stressful with my sister. I don't think it's the trip for "meet my gay boyfriend." Plus I really can't afford to buy your ticket right now.
JON
You don't have to buy my ticket.
TODD
You bought my ticket to San Francisco.
JON
It's not a contest. I don't expect you to buy my ticket. My God, you're having a kidney transplant.
TODD
My sister's having a kidney transplant. I'm just having one removed.
JON
I'm going. And you're not buying my ticket. No one's keeping score besides you, you know. (Beat) Maybe we can talk to your sister.
TODD
What do you mean?
JON
About insemination.
TODD
Jon!
JON
What? She'll have downtime in the hospital. She'll need a distraction.
TODD
You're insane.
JON
That way the baby would have both of our genes.
TODD
When did... I really don't need this right now. This is hard enough.
JON
But you're just the donor -- like you said. You have to learn to talk about things. No one gets hurt having a conversation.
TODD
They do in my family. Besides, she's a born-again Christian.
JON
Well, don't be so judgmental. Born-agains are people too.
TODD
You have no idea. Besides, I think they're having trouble having kids of their own.
JON
Well, we have to ask to find out. It's just an idea. It will be good for you -- an exercise in communication. While you're at it you can talk to your parents about our plans too.
TODD
I can't even commit to walking a dog. I'm hardly ready for children.
JON
You will be.
TODD
Okay. (Pause) I don't know about all that artificial insemination stuff anyway.
JON
What do you mean?
TODD
I mean, don't you think it would be weird to find out that's how you were made -- in a test tube?
JON
That's not exactly...
TODD
It's so "Brave New World."
JON
No, it's so homophobic. You're being homophobic.
TODD
Oh, here we go.
JON
You need to relax. Just take a deep breath. (Beat) Oh, I can't wait to meet your family!
TODD
Don't you think we're rushing things a bit?
JON
We've been together for two years.
TODD
I have to go down for some tests. It's not even definite that I'm an eligible donor.
JON
Why don't you want me to meet them?
TODD
I do, it's just... You think it's going to be fun. It's not. It's going to be very uncomfortable. They're Wasps. My mother's from the South. You don't understand.
JON
You have to give them a chance.
TODD
They're not going to turn into colorblind yet culturally respecting P-flag parents just because I tell them you want kids. Especially not then. They're not liberal Jews. We don't talk things out. We silently judge and have another scotch.
JON
I've noticed. What does religion have to do with it anyway?
TODD
I'm just saying, it's not how you think it's going to be. Look, why don't we just wait and see -- if I pass the compatibility test or whatever, and if it ends up happening, then you can fly down for the surgery.
JON
Okay. But I do hope you'll at least try to talk to them. Audrey might be more open than you think. And at least give your parents a chance. They just need time. I want our kids to have two sets of grandparents.
TODD
You know, you're kind of freaking me out with this whole kids thing.
JON
One day at a time Todd. One day at a time.
Todd roughly grabs Jon from behind.
TODD
'Course, that doesn't mean we can't keep trying.
JON
See, I knew you were a family man. Did your folks ever meet J.D.?
Todd releases him.
TODD
No. I mean yeah. I mean they didn't know we were a couple. I mean I wasn't out or whatever. It was when he OD'd that it all came out. They thought we were drug buddies or something.
JON
They were right. No wonder they've had a negative impression of us. When they meet me, they'll see we're just normal, responsible people.
TODD
Speak for yourself. I think I need a drink.
JON
You had one.
TODD
I thought you weren't keeping score.
JON
Well, I'm going for a jog. I've got a cloud of neurotic monologues raining tension in my brain.
TODD
Thanks.
JON
Oh, sweetie, not from you -- from my patients. It's been a long day of unfulfilled needs. I need to blow off some steam. What do you want to do for dinner?
TODD
I'll make something. Order something.
JON
Great.
TODD
What do you want?
JON
Anything you want. I'll treat.
TODD
Chinese?
JON
Make it Thai.
TODD
Okay.
JON
Back in a few. 'Love you.
Jonathan goes to kiss Todd. Todd turns and kisses his cheek.
TODD
Bye.
Jon leaves. Todd fidgets. Goes to the phone. Puts it back and gets his cell phone out of his pocket. He scrolls through the phone book (on the phone), selects a number, and sends the call.
TODD
Hey Scott, it's Todd. He just left. I told him you're moving. He doesn't even know your name. Yoga teacher. Well, you are. I'm going away. Home to Cincinnati. My sister -- I'm donating one of my kidneys -- my sister needs a transplant. Yes. Well, I'd like to but you're leaving. I know you're not the only yoga teacher in New York -- just the only one I have sex with. I know about your scholarship, blah, blah, blah. I'm having major surgery and all you can think about is grad school. I need your yogic advice. What do I do with one kidney? Uh huh. So no protein shakes? Oh my God. Well, how many grams a day? Great, I'll end up looking like I used to. Fuck. Oh I'm not quitting drinking. I'm very stressed out right now. The day after tomorrow and I need to see you before I leave. After the morning class is fine. Well, you're moving anyway, so it doesn't really matter, does it? I love you. I don't care. I will. Bye.
Next Page:
Act I, Scene 2 (page 2 of 22 pages)
All Pages: See the entire play on one page
Table of Contents: Home Again
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