Lodestar Quarterly

Issue 7 • Fall 2003 • Featured Writer • Drama

My Unknown Son

Daniel Curzon

Scene 3

Scene 3

Enter MIDWIFE carrying a pizza box with the next costume inside, with SON in attendance behind her.)

MIDWIFE
One new son coming up! Compliments of the chef!

FATHER
Get out of here!

MIDWIFE
(readying things) I've got a job to do. It's like a pizza service. Only I deliver bambinos instead of pizzas.

FATHER
Who sent him back?

MIDWIFE
Who do you think? His mamas!

FATHER
(trying to grab the pizza boxes away from her) They're not having anything more to do with my child. He'll turn out with little dead fish and god know what else all over him because of all this mama stuff! Mamas have been doing the job since day one and what has it gotten the human race?

MIDWIFE
God knows there are enough failures in the species. Maybe it is the fault of women. Yeah, it's time we turned our ovens -- turned everything -- over to the men. Here! Do him over any way you like!

FATHER
Don't worry. I will! (Grabs the box out of her hands. Then, to SON) Sit! (SON sits.)

MIDWIFE
Need anything else?

FATHER
Not from the likes of you. (getting the new clothes from inside the boxes)

MIDWIFE
How about this? (She helps undress SON)

FATHER
(trying to prevent her) Let's see. Something -- something --

MIDWIFE
(manipulating him by saying what she knows he won't choose) Not something nineteenth century, I hope!

FATHER
Something nineteen century! (to SON) Take that off.

SON and MIDWIFE remove his Elizabethan clothing. FATHER takes clothes suitable for an Oscar Wilde play from the box along with a hand mirror. The undressing and dressing should be done as part of the action, with sharp choreography, or as a ballet with music underneath.

FATHER
Now this is more like it!

MIDWIFE
(knowing full well) What's this one going to be? (still helping dress SON)

FATHER
Get away. Get away!

MIDWIFE
You'll forget the details!

FATHER
Not bloody likely.

MIDWIFE
Want to bet?

FATHER
You'll see, Madame Midwife. This time I'm delivering the child!

FATHER helps dress his SON, combs his hair into the appropriate Victorian style, perhaps parted down the middle.

MIDWIFE
How about if I just fix his hair? (She starts to.)

FATHER
(stopping her) Not one follicle!

MIDWIFE
Well, I hope you're right this time, but I doubt it.

FATHER
(smugly) I will be! This time he's going to be perfect! I'm going to make him gay! (Points to finished SON)

SON
(preening, doubtful about some aspect of his clothing or hair) I don't know. I don't know about this!

FATHER
It'll be fine, Algernon.

MIDWIFE
I don't think this is the one for you.

FATHER
Not a word more. You're fired!

MIDWIFE
But that's... that's censorship!

FATHER
Erased!

MIDWIFE
Okay, okay, I know when I'm not wanted.

FATHER
Apparently you don't.

MIDWIFE
I know how to make an exit. Like this! (MIDWIFE exits crying loudly, overdone. Then, back over her shoulder) Call me if you need me, sport!

FATHER
(triumphantly) The Story of the Father and His Son According to -- (gestures at SON)

SON
(leaping up into the Oscar Wilde mode, preening in a hand mirror) I look absolutely dreadful!

FATHER
Now, now!

SON
I tell you I do! Just look at my tongue. (sticks it out)

FATHER
It hardly matters.

SON
(talking with tongue out) I don't think you grasp the gravity of the situation! How can I go to the opera tonight looking like this? Everybody will be staring at my tongue!

FATHER
Most people don't care about it. Not deeply.

SON
(looking at himself in an imaginary full-length mirror) And look at my trousers! You want me looking a perfect fright? And this is a morning coat. And the opera is in the evening! How can you be so obtuse!

FATHER
Algernon, don't be shallow.

SON
Why, all the best people are shallow! Indeed, it is only the shallow people who know the true value of anything!

FATHER
Don't bandy words with me.

SON
I never bandy with those who can't compete. It's like sticking pins in snails. They just never get away!

FATHER
Algernon, let's not quarrel. I want to get to know you better. That's why I came today. How shall I say this? (significantly) I am your long-lost father!

SON
Oh, how tiresome. You would come just when I'm off to brunch at Lady Huntington-Percival's!

FATHER
I thought you'd be glad to see me!

SON
I don't see you for years and years, and then you just pop up out of thin air and expect me to break all my engagements to spend some time with you. Well, if you think I'm going to get all gushy because my "long-lost" paterfamilias has finally dragged his dreary body into my life, you must be quite, quite mad!

FATHER
I thought we might have something in common.

SON
Something common about you, but certainly not about me! (about his wit) Oh, that's a treasure! I must write that down and use it this afternoon at brunch. (to himself as he writes it down) And possibly at teatime, or would that be too much wit for one day?

FATHER
I meant -- something common in our private life.

SON
Nice people don't stoop to a private life. Public life is the only place where one can be truly intimate.

FATHER
You know what I mean, Algernon -- (with heavy insinuation) Bunburying.

SON
Bunburying? Whatever in the world is that?

FATHER
Running off to the demi-monde, to the "countryside." Your little trips to get away.

SON
I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about!

FATHER
A euphemism for buggery.

SON
Buggery?

FATHER
The docks!

SON
I wouldn't be caught dead at the docks -- except of course to wave bon voyage, to the right people.

FATHER
Even at night? Come now, I understand your secret life. I've lived one myself.

SON
You have my sympathy, I'm sure! But I really must ask you not to impose your sordid little secret on me. Now I simply must be off to Lady Huntington-Percival's. She's serving cucumber sandwiches, and she gets in such a pet if one is late.

FATHER
I'm trying to tell you something!

SON
And I'm trying to tell you something! People of quality don't keep bringing up their vulgar little peccadillos when other people are obviously not interested! Sir, if you are disclosing some sort of tasteless, unspeakable indiscretion in your past, I pray you to spare me. I believe there's a train for Paris at twilight. You might be on it!

FATHER
It's all right! You won't go to jail for being who you are.

SON
Father, I may be overly concerned with my wearing apparel, I may be acidic in my bon mots, I may love the opera, and brunch, but I assure you, sir, that I am not what you are implying I am!

FATHER
I'm not accusing you of anything. At last you are free to be... homosexual!

SON
Sir, you dare to ascribe that word to me! You leave me no option but this! (SON walks over and slaps his glove across the FATHER's face, looking silly.) My seconds will be in touch with you by morning. (SON starts to leave, his dander up.)

FATHER
A duel? Algernon, come back here! Don't be silly!

SON
Do you realize that if a word of what you are implying ever reached the ears of Lady Huntington-Percival, I would not be allowed to continue my engagement to her daughter, my dear fiancee Cecily? To say nothing of never again being allowed to eat her food!

FATHER
You don't have to marry Cecily after all. Those disguises are of the past.

SON
But, Father, I wish to marry Cecily! I adore her. Adore her!

Enter MIDWIFE in a wig as CECILY, a young Victorian ingenue. She holds a fan, which she uses to cover her face much of the time so that FATHER won't recognize her.

MIDWIFE
(as CECILY) Darling! What's keeping you? Mother and I were afraid you were not coming to brunch! Are you indisposed?

SON
Forgive me, darling Cecily. This man here has prevented my departure.

FATHER
(suspicious that it's MIDWIFE) Who is that? Is that you, Midwife?

MIDWIFE
(hiding face) Algernon, do I have the pleasure of knowing him?

SON
Some man posing as my father. I'm not going to introduce you to him.

MIDWIFE
Good, darling! I wouldn't want to meet anyone you wouldn't want me to meet -- even your father.

FATHER
(to CECILY, waving) Hello! How do you do?

MIDWIFE
What am I to do, Algernon? (She's breathless.) I've been introduced to someone I don't even know! (fans herself, turning away from FATHER.)

SON
(to FATHER) I'm afraid I must insist, sir! (He steps over and twists his nose.) You have insulted my fiancee by introducing yourself to her against her express wishes, to say nothing of mine!

FATHER
I'm telling you you don't have to marry Cecily or whoever she is! You can be who you really are!

SON
Don't you dare, sir! Don't you dare sully her ears with --

MIDWIFE
(curious despite her pretense) What awful thing is he trying to say, Algernon? What? What?

SON
(covering her ears with his hands) Not a syllable, Cecily!

MIDWIFE
Of course, darling, if you don't want me to hear. Even if he said the words, however awful they may be, they wouldn't penetrate beyond here. (She holds her hand close to her ears, yet not touching them. Then, very curious:) I ask, of course, only in order to love you better.

SON
My tyrannical father is trying to come between us, dearest.

FATHER
Tyrannical father indeed!

SON
He doesn't want us to marry.

MIDWIFE
Not to marry!

FATHER
Do you really want to marry her, or do you just want her mother's brunches and all they represent?

SON
However we have to fight you on this, however we have to overcome your objections, and even live in a sordid little bedsitter somewhere in Putney with no money at all, we will do it -- because our love is not to be denied.

FATHER
Listen, I'm trying to save you a lot of hypocrisy, a lot of misery!

SON
Cover your ears, Cecily. Go on now, cover them.

MIDWIFE
(covering them) They're covered, darling! All right?

SON
I don't want this man's foulness in your orifice.

MIDWIFE
(can't hear) What? I can't hear you, Algernon. I promise to listen with but one ear.

SON
No, precious one, I think not.

MIDWIFE
Just one? (She daringly removes one hand from one ear.)

SON
Cecily --

MIDWIFE
Oh, that's much better.

FATHER
Now that I have your ear, Cecily -- do you want to marry a man who is not right for you?

MIDWIFE
Ah, but Algernon is perfect. He takes me everywhere. We dance. We discuss plays and music, and have such a good time laughing and laughing. Most of all, he never takes liberties. A light buss on my cheek at parting, but no more. He's such a gentleman. What better preparation for marriage could there be?

FATHER
Is that what you want after you're married? A light buss on the cheek? Is that the kind of buss you want to take for the rest of your life? You do intend to marry for life, don't you? Hasn't it dawned on you, Cecily, that your fiance is, well, less physical with you than you might desire?

MIDWIFE
Algernon, did you hear him accuse me of being physical! OH!

FATHER
(insistently) There's more here than meets the eye. It must be said! Cecily, your fiance is one of those whose love dare not speak its name.

MIDWIFE
(shocked) Is this true, Algernon?

SON
I told you, Cecily, that he was a rotter. I told you not to listen. But, no, you would, wouldn't you?

MIDWIFE
It's your fault, Algernon! As a man, and thus superior, you shouldn't have let him speak to me!

SON
It's hardly my fault. You shouldn't have bared your ear!

MIDWIFE
(getting tough) My ear, my foot! If you weren't such a little dandy, I wouldn't be in this compromised position now!

SON
You think I'm a dandy. Well, that's the first I've heard of this! Perhaps our engagement has been premature after all. We hardly seem to know each other, it appears. Perhaps we need some time apart to see if we're truly suited to each other. Dandy, indeed!

MIDWIFE
I couldn't agree more. Yes, let's not see each other for a while. That's just fine and dandy with me!

SON
Perhaps I'll go off somewhere, for a time. Yes, that's just what I'll do! Somewhere.

FATHER
(insinuatingly) Morocco?

SON
Yes, it's warm in Morocco, I'm told. Bazaars, beads...

FATHER
Arab boys.

SON
... that sort of thing. It'll give me some time to mull things over.

MIDWIFE
I'm leaving, Algernon! (She starts to exit.)

FATHER
Just a moment there. I think we have been introduced before! (He pulls the fan away from her face) It is you!

MIDWIFE
No, I'm Cecily!

FATHER
How dare you interfere in this!

MIDWIFE
(revealing more of herself daringly) You're right! I'm not Cecily! What are you going to do about it, dickhead?

SON
Father, who is this person?

FATHER
An imposter. (Pulls her wig off) Who's trying to come between us. (to MIDWIFE) Admit it! You just did this because I fired you.

MIDWIFE
I only did it because this son isn't good enough for you. Take me back into your employ. I'll get you another son.

SON
Father, I don't know who this woman is. As a result, yes, our engagement is definitely off!

MIDWIFE
I don't want to be engaged to you! Who would?! (to FATHER) Take me back. Come on! Come on!

SON
Well, which is it to be, Father? This woman or me?

FATHER
I can't reject another son.

MIDWIFE
Believe me, this one you can reject!

SON
(imperiously) Father?

FATHER
(going between them) I choose (a hard decision)... my son.

SON
(to MIDWIFE) Go at once!

MIDWIFE
(to FATHER) When will you learn to make the right decision? Are you going to be like most people? You won't know what hurts until you're hit by a train!

MIDWIFE exits.

SON
(following after her) I guess I showed her!

FATHER
I wonder if she knows something about him I don't. What are you going to do with the rest of your life, now that your engagement is off, Algernon?

SON
(rolling his eyes) Is this fatherly advice I'm about to hear?

FATHER
If you take up this new open life, it may have some pitfalls of its own.

SON
Such as?

FATHER
Hatred, in various forms.

SON
Nice time to tell me!

FATHER
I meant to break it to you more slowly, but events developed.

SON
Will I be ecstatically happy now?

FATHER
Not all heterosexuals are happy just because they're heterosexual. Why should it be any different for gays?

SON
Why did you then try so hard to prevent my marriage to Cecily?

FATHER
Because I knew it wouldn't work.

SON
Shouldn't I have been allowed to find out for myself?

FATHER
I wouldn't be a good parent if I didn't try to keep you from doing the stupid things I've done!

SON
What might be correct for you might be entirely wrong for me! Father, Father, Father! What am I to do with you! Can't you see that I'm brilliant? Do you think I can't get a grasp on a little thing like... life? (He laughs dismissively.) Hoo, you're no fun at all, do you know that?

FATHER
Life isn't just fun! It's also --

SON
Oh, dear! Do we have to have this conversation?

FATHER
My life as a gay man hasn't been all that easy. I was arrested once in the baths. And --

SON
Oh, please! I'm sure you had to walk barefoot in the baths and put up with a lot of rowdy, loathsome little chaps, but you're not making me into an old podge like you!

FATHER
You can learn from me! You can --

SON
Oh, fudge! That's what I say to you, Father. Fudge! Fudge! Double divinity fudge!

FATHER
Goddamn you! I ought to wring your silly neck, you pretentious little snot! (Goes toward him threateningly.)

SON
(incensed) Father! I'm shocked at your attempt to interfere in my life!

FATHER
You will listen! You will! You will!

SON
I won't!

FATHER grabs SON and shakes him, gets him on the desk and begins to throttle him. It should be pretty passionate, not too abruptly ended.

MIDWIFE enters, pulls FATHER off SON, prevents him from killing him.

MIDWIFE
Wait! Stop! You're killing your only child! (pulling his hands off) Let him go! Let him go!

FATHER
(gradually coming to his senses, looking at his hands around the SON's neck) What am I doing? I just wanted to give him some fatherly advice! (SON gets up, holding his throat, choking a bit)

SON
(as exit line) I won't forget this, (chokes) Father!

SON exits.

FATHER
Oh, you will too! Just like you'll forget everything else I tell you!

MIDWIFE
I thought you were going to get this one right.

FATHER
But why should he learn nothing from what I've gone through? The human race keeps repeating the same old awful, inane mistakes, lifetime after lifetime, century after century, because they won't learn anything from those of us who have gone before! This search is harder than I thought it was going to be. Maybe I should stop looking. No more sons. No more.

VOICE OF PUBLISHER (over PA system)
This is Mike Berg! Where the hell is that manuscript!

FATHER
No more books either! It's not worth it! I'm going to take an aspirin! (He starts to exit. MIDWIFE grabs him, pulls him back.)

MIDWIFE
You want a massage?

FATHER
No. (Tries to leave)

MIDWIFE
A lobotomy? (She begins to massage his neck and back -- hard) How's that?

FATHER
Ouch!

MIDWIFE
Boy, do I get tired of comforting you!

FATHER
I didn't ask you to comfort me!

MIDWIFE
(strangling him a little bit) I'm just trying to finish my job here, that's all. Your real child does exist somewhere in all this.

FATHER
Are you sure?

Next Page:   Scene 4   (page 5 of 6 pages)

All Pages:   See the entire play on one page

Table of Contents:   My Unknown Son

Daniel Curzon's works include the landmark gay protest novel Something You Do in the Dark (1971), The World Can Break Your Heart (1984), Superfag (1996), Only the Good Parts (1998), and Not Necessarily Nice: Stories (1999) as well as the play Godot Arrives (winner of the 1999 National New Play Contest). He has also written and published non-gay fiction and plays.

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