Lodestar Quarterly

Issue 7 • Fall 2003 • Drama

The Hot Month

Taylor Mac Bowyer

Characters and Production Notes

Characters

Prologue

Prologue

Lights up on the ensemble. They are looking over a great distance. LEN speaks and is interrupted by the others, who ignore him and each other. The delivery, except with LEN, should be rather matter-of-fact and should gain momentum as the scene progresses.

LEN
So man comes up with this theory called time...

GRIFFIN
A system of those sequential relations that any event has to any other, as past, present, or future: indefinite and continuous duration regarded as that in which events succeed one another.

LEN stares at GRIFFIN perplexed at what he's just said.

LEN
Right. A system that has created quite a bit of hysteria on this little planet of ours.

MAG
A duration regarded as belonging to the present life as distinct from the life to come or from eternity.

GRIFFIN
Finite duration.

LEN
I was taught to believe there is no beginning, there is no end...

RED
A system or method of measuring or reckoning the passage of time.

JOSEPH
Mean time.

LEN
How do we start then?

JOSEPH
A limited period or interval, as between two successive events.

RED
A long time.

LEN
"Live in the moment, live in the moment."

MAG
A particular period considered as distinct from other periods.

LEN
It's important. Carpe diem.

GRIFFIN
Youth is the best time of life.

LEN
All the little lessons...

RED
Often times.

MAG
As in many, quite frequently, multiple, lots and lots.

LEN
Okay. A period in the history of the world?

JOSEPH
The Middle Ages.

RED
Prehistoric times.

LEN
The period or era now or previously present?

MAG
A sign of the times.

RED
How times have changed.

LEN
A period considered with reference to its events or prevailing conditions?

JOSEPH
Hard times.

GRIFFIN
A time of war.

LEN
The end of a prescribed or allotted period?

MAG
When her time came she was delivered of a girl.

GRIFFIN
His time had come.

LEN
A period with reference to personal experience of a specific kind?

RED
A hot time in the old town tonight.

LEN
A term of enforced duty or imprisonment?

JOSEPH
To serve time in the army.

RED
To do time in prison.

LEN
Leisure time; sufficient or spare time?

GRIFFIN
I have no time to stop now.

LEN
A particular part of the year, day, season or period?

JOSEPH
Lunch time.

MAG
That time of the month.

RED
Fall.

LEN
The particular point in time when an event is scheduled to...

LEN is unable to continue.

MAG
Ahead of time.

JOSEPH
Behind the times.

GRIFFIN
At one time.

RED
In good time.

JOSEPH
In no time.

RED and JOSEPH
At the same time.

GRIFFIN
Against time.

MAG
In time.

RED, JOSEPH, MAG and GRIFFIN begin to exit and should be gone by GRIFFIN's last line.

RED
Kill time.

JOSEPH
Mark time.

MAG
Make time.

GRIFFIN
Out of time.

LEN
Hey. Watch this.

Everyone but LEN disappears.

LEN
Hmm?

We are now in Len's hospital room, which is represented by a bed and a heart monitor beeping. LEN gets in bed and lies down. A heart monitor is heard. LEN shuts his eyes. The beeping continues into the next scene.

Scene I

Scene I

Lights up on GRIFFIN, MAG in GRIFFIN's bedroom. GRIFFIN is rolling clothes into his bag. Besides GRIFFIN's bag and MAG's chair the stage is bare. MAG speaks to GRIFFIN.

MAG
I'm not healthy. Too much sex. I mean not too much, just not... I was on top of this man the other night, banging away, and I thought, you know I could just hang out here for awhile. Here he is trying to get off, trying to get me off, with all this built up passion and adrenaline, grabbing my tits, grunting away, right, "fuck yeah, oh baby fuck yeah." I wanted to say, could we just hang out here for awhile? You inside of me. Still. Just for a little while. Just for a few days maybe. Maybe a couple of years.

GRIFFIN
Why didn't you?

MAG
It's like trying to get a dog to stop playing catch. They'll just bug you until you relent. It wasn't him. How about you?

GRIFFIN
How about me what?

MAG
You sure you don't wanna hang out for awhile longer?

GRIFFIN
I'm going to Mexico.

LEN rolls on with the bed. He is still in his coma and GRIFFIN and MAG are aware of this even though they hear and see him. When LEN is finished speaking and exits the others act as if it didn't happen.

LEN
Mexico: A republic in southern North America, population 64,567,203. Wow.

LEN rolls offstage. GRIFFIN and MAG watch to make sure he isn't coming back and then continue with their scene.

GRIFFIN
Are you any good at this?

MAG
You have to roll them tighter.

GRIFFIN
Do it.

MAG
You're such a baby. These are all Lenny's.

GRIFFIN
Were you planning on wearing them?

RED HAWK, speaking as she enters, rolls an old beat up truck on stage, Flintstones style -- or she comes on stage, sits in a bench and makes it her truck. She is a woman dressed in male Native American garb. Throughout this, RED HAWK should be in constant activity, never a person to do just one thing at a time. GRIFFIN plays the past scene with MAG and present scene with RED simultaneously. MAG and RED compete for his attention.

RED
Get in! Hurry up, let's go, let's go.

GRIFFIN
Hey, hold on I'm not in yet.

RED
Sorry, I don't have a lot of time, I'm a bit of a fugitive here.

GRIFFIN
What?

RED
Quiet. You hear any sirens?

GRIFFIN
Great.

RED
Shhhh... We're clear. For now anyway. I just ripped off a bunch of gas. Nothing big. You like dogs, I have two dogs in the hatch, I hope you like dogs. They're my babies. (She calls to them in the back) Hello girls. Mama loves you. Do you have any money?

GRIFFIN
No, about 89 cents.

RED
Liar. Neither do I. We'll go 'til we can't go. I'm going to the Hopi reservation. Where you say you were going?

GRIFFIN
I didn't... Mexico.

RED
Oh well I'm not going that far, I'm going to the Hopi reservation, you want to go to the Hopi reservation, you can come. You ever been there?

GRIFFIN
No.

RED
I'm going there. I'm trying to get a job, get paid under the table. I get benefits from the government, not nearly enough. I need to get a job where I get paid under the table. I figure I have skills they could use. What's your name?

GRIFFIN
Griffin.

RED
Griffin, like a gargoyle or something? That's good, that's a spiritual name: means something most people don't know. It's got spirituality. Names are important. (She gets out her tobacco, American Spirit, and begins to roll a cigarette) You want some?

GRIFFIN
No thanks.

RED
You got a good name. Too many Johns in the world. Makes you feel real good about the world to think so many people wanna name their kids after a toilet bowl. Names are like some virus passing around from generation to generation, it's like athlete's foot, people have...

GRIFFIN
Athlete's Foot's not a virus.

RED
It's not?

GRIFFIN
No.

RED
Well don't ruin it, you know what I mean, people have these dumb ass names all their life and then they give them to their children. They got these books you can buy that have all the names in them, so when you have a baby you can look up the perfect name in a book. Griffin what?

GRIFFIN
Cooper.

RED
(sings) "Every party has a pooper that's why we invited Cooper, party pooper, Griffin Cooper." Ha. My name's Red Hawk. I'm thinking of changing it to Red Eagle 'cause the eagle's the Hopi bird. I'm not Native American now, in two past lives I was Hopi, so I think I'll change it to Red Eagle.

GRIFFIN
You were Hopi twice in your past lives?

RED
Yep. Drowned in a flood both times too, which is a strange coincidence 'cause it don't flood out here all that much, but those were different times. What's in Mexico?

GRIFFIN
A church.

LEN rolls back on. GRIFFIN and MAG respond as before but RED can't see him and acts as if she's heard the story from GRIFFIN.

LEN
Well not really a church, but the remains of one. A long time ago a volcano erupted and the molten lava encompassed this old Catholic church forcing all the missionaries to run, leaving behind their artifacts encrusted in lava. Mother Nature got fed up with the missionaries and swallowed them whole. Old crucifixes and Mother Marys encased in ash for all eternity. There are still remains. They may be dead and inactive remains, but they're still there. Breathing... almost.

LEN rolls off.

MAG
Lenny wanted... wants Mexico. Tourists and their cheap attractions. We hate Mexico. Ponchos that smell like potato sacks.

GRIFFIN
More than that.

MAG
Lenny's never even been to Mexico. It's just an idea he had...has...wanted...wants. Something to pass the time with. Getting to run around, anthropologizing ash. (MAG makes up the word anthropologizing.) You've been at least. You know. Florescent pink sombreros.

MAG finds a bottle of Aqua Lube in GRIFFIN's bag while she's been packing.

MAG
Aqua Lube?

GRIFFIN
I don't want to feel guilty about this.

MAG
So you're going to hang out with a bunch of encrusted Catholics. And leave me with the beeping. (She starts to get up) Oh.

GRIFFIN
You okay?

MAG
Yeah, my foot's asleep.

GRIFFIN
Ick.

MAG
No, I like it. Tingles.

RED
Hey, I'm writing a book and you have to be in it. Okay? Okay?

GRIFFIN
Okay.

RED
The thing is, I don't have time to write it really, on account that I have to get enough money to go find my dogs that are missing. You have to write the book for me. I mean not the whole thing, just bits and pieces, like a chapter. You just write your story, or if you don't like yours, you can write one you like.

MAG
Once upon a time there was a beautiful fat princess.

RED
Every person I meet I'm getting to write me their story and then I'm going to compile them all together to make a big coffee table book. (She pulls out a camera and takes a snapshot) Ha. Got your soul. It's for the book. So you have to write me your story.

GRIFFIN
I'll try.

RED
You have to do it. It's not that big a deal -- just write a couple pages, no trying involved at all.

MAG
All the people of the kingdom loved her. They loved her pillow breasts. They loved her gargantuan thighs, her rolling stomach, her bouncing butt, and her thick, thick arms.

GRIFFIN
I thought your dogs were in the hatch?

RED
Oh, shit, they jump out again?

GRIFFIN
No. You said they were missing, I thought they were in the back.

RED
Oh, the ones in the back are my new pups. The government has my old babies. They stole them from me. You trust this government? I sure as hell don't, and it ain't just 'cause of Nixon. (She starts rummaging through her bag) I never trusted this country way back before some stupid white man with a big nose fucked up. You just have to open your eyes and look around to see that things are fucked up. If you couldn't tell things were fucked up before the seventies, you must be blind and deaf. Shit even deaf-blind people can tell things are fucked up, they just have to stick their noses up and smell the stink. Mama Earth is rotting away. (She finds a bag of pistachios) Ha! (She tries to get the bag open) If you're not enraged you're not paying attention 'cause there's a hell of lot to be enraged about. (The bag bursts open all over Griffin's lap.) Oh shit. Sorry. (She begins to pick them up off his crotch.)

GRIFFIN
You need some help?

RED
I got it. Would you mind steering? Just tell me if I'm going too fast. (GRIFFIN does this while she picks up the nuts on his lap, under his butt, on the ground at his feet.) The government steals my babies. They lock me up in some poofy room and make me take my clothes off. Spray me, electrocute me, the whole time I'm saying you got to let me go, my pups are in my car and they're gonna need food and water pretty soon. They're probably peeing all over the place. You think they give a shit about my pups, they tell me I should relax and I'll be able to go back to my babies any day. Shit they'll be dead any day. I finally get out of their stink hole, go back to my truck, it's still there, thank God, but my babies are gone.

JOSEPH enters and walks past everyone, talking to his dogs, which we don't see.

JOSEPH
Oh the baby girls. The baby girls got left in the dirty old truck. Oh yes you did. You wanna come home with me? Oh yes you do. Oh yes. Oh you're just the best girls ever. Hub hub hub.

JOSEPH exits. MAG and GRIFFIN were the only two that heard or saw him. They exchange confused glances at each other.

RED
So I got to find them soon. They need their mama. There, I think I got them all. We hit anything?

GRIFFIN
No.

RED
Good.

MAG
Did you know there's a certain type of Prozac, if you happen to be one of the 5% of people who have a strange chemical reaction to it, every time you yawn you orgasm. It's true, like a lot of things are true. So what I wonder is how did doctors figure out it was the Prozac making people orgasm every time they yawned? What if you had an orgasm every time you yawned? Would you tell your doctor? Would you tell anyone? Would you make yourself yawn? Would the yawning solve the depression? Would you trade your sanity for a convenient orgasm?

GRIFFIN
What are you talking about?

MAG
How do people fall in love? I have to figure it out soon or I'm going to trade my sanity in for convenient orgasms, if it's not already too late. I mean so much for being liberated, right. Fuck. There, you're packed. Go away.

GRIFFIN
Thanks.

MAG
Yeah, I know.

RED
You a homo, Griffin?

GRIFFIN
Yeah.

RED
Me, too. I'm a lesbian. (The word lesbian makes RED laugh.) Ha. You're a nice kid, Griffin. I can tell that already. I'm good at telling what people are like from a first glance. Shit, I saw you on the road, couldn't make out your face but I know you're right-minded just from the energy. The great spirit tells me who to trust and who not to. You got good ears, Griffin. They're pointy like a gargoyle. Griffin, the pointy eared gargoyle. (She reaches over and caresses his ear. Pause. She takes her hand back to steering.) You notice, Griffin, how I always say your name when I talk to you? It's 'cause a name has power; I call you Griffin, you feel at home with me. We make a connection. I get used to saying your name over and over, you become part of my regular speaking vocabulary. You got good ears. What's your favorite color?

GRIFFIN
Green, I guess.

RED
You guess what? Either it is or it isn't.

MAG (yes, MAG)
Green.

RED
Good answer.

GRIFFIN
Why?

RED
It's how people get defined. Not by what you do but what titillates. Does green titillate?

GRIFFIN
I don't know.

MAG
I need to tell you something. Something important, I think.

GRIFFIN
What?

MAG
I can't remember. It's just floating there, I can't remember. Something's coming.

GRIFFIN
"It may be soon? Catch the moon, one handed catch?"

MAG
I'm serious.

GRIFFIN
When you think of it, send a postcard.

MAG
How will I know where to find you?

GRIFFIN
You'll figure it out.

MAG
What if he wakes up?

RED
So when we go to sleep tonight, you gonna take off your clothes?

MAG
What if he doesn't?

RED
Since you're family, I don't mind if you take them off; if you're not, I make you leave them on.

MAG
What do people do in Mexico anyway? It's just a big desert, right? What do people do in deserts? Pump gas. That's all there is to do. You'll become a gas pumper. A petro poof.

GRIFFIN
I don't know.

RED
You don't know a lot of things. What is that, "I don't know"? Of course you know. You either are or your not. It's not hard to figure out.

MAG
Going off into the wild, wild west never to be found again. You'll turn into tumbleweed or a prairie dog. You'll blend in with the earth. Never to be seen again.

GRIFFIN
Prairie dogs live on the prairie.

MAG
Whatever. I want the teeth.

GRIFFIN
No way.

MAG
If you're just gonna disappear, I want them.

GRIFFIN
I'm sorry.

RED
We'll figure it out later. Do you want something to eat, or do you not know that too?

GRIFFIN
I don't have any money.

RED
My treat.

GRIFFIN
You don't have to do that.

RED
You have to eat, I don't mind, you keep me company, I get you where you need to go and feed ya, sound good?

MAG
Don't go.

GRIFFIN
Sounds good.

MAG
You little shit.

RED
You want to take a shower with me tonight?

GRIFFIN
I don't think so.

RED
Chicken. I'll keep my teeth in.

Lights out on RED and GRIFFIN. MAG is left alone with the beeping. She sits listening for awhile and then begins to sing in rhythm to the beeps.

MAG
(sings) "Could be. Who knows. It's coming due any day..."

Blackout

Scene II

Scene II

Nighttime. Split scene with MAG driving in her chair/car scanning the road and RED and GRIFFIN driving in their bench/truck. RED drives while GRIFFIN watches the oncoming traffic lights. LEN pops up from behind the bench/truck.

LEN
Hey.

GRIFFIN
Shit.

LEN
Shhhhh.

GRIFFIN
What the...

LEN holds his hands over GRIFFIN's mouth. RED doesn't notice LEN or GRIFFIN.

LEN
Shhhh. You'll wake yourself up. I'm not dead yet, just in case you were wondering. Still existing. Bored out of my mind. I might not even be here. You could just be going crazy from leaving. Instant karma. Wouldn't that be fun? But who wants to be the figment of an imagination?

LEN uncovers GRIFFIN's mouth.

GRIFFIN
I'm dreaming?

LEN
(indicating RED) Are you sure you didn't eat any peyote.

GRIFFIN
Not since high school.

LEN
You, Mag, and I tripping at the all-night Denny's. Mozzarella cheese sticks start to strangle your esophagus.

GRIFFIN
Mag is too busy staring at the swirling carpet to help.

LEN
So I take you into the bathroom to splash some cold water on your face, maybe try to pull out the mozzarella.

GRIFFIN
Smells like disinfectant and pee.

LEN
You glance at yourself in the mirror and get sucked in. So cold inside. Skinny and small.

GRIFFIN
Fluorescent lights.

LEN
And you see me. Leaning over you. With your hair in my knuckles. Holding on for dear life. Trying to get as close as possible. And never knowing if I should gamble squeezing another centimeter. Always me making the move in. Always you letting me take the chance. And your hair is growing.

GRIFFIN
Just feels like it 'cause of the drugs.

LEN
It feels like it. Hair follicles pushing dead skin cells up and over. Gaining mass. And all you see is color. And I'm somewhere vaguely inside the color. And you think you're so ugly and I'm so beautiful, nothing but color. So bright you can't look at me.

GRIFFIN
That's not how I remember it.

LEN
You told me.

GRIFFIN
Never.

LEN
Right, you'd never say something like that. Come back.

GRIFFIN
Why?

LEN
It's nice to finish things.

GRIFFIN
Says you.

LEN
Maggie needs some help.

GRIFFIN
She's a big girl.

RED reaches over and caresses GRIFFIN's ear.

LEN
What's she doing?

GRIFFIN
Touching my earlobe.

LEN
Why's she doing that?

GRIFFIN
It's her thing.

LEN
Make her stop.

GRIFFIN
I think I like it.

LEN
I'm not allowed to stay if you get distracted.

GRIFFIN
Thanks for the tip.

LEN
Cretin.

There is a sound of MAG's car screeching to a halt. Lights out on the bench/truck. MAG grabs her stomach.

MAG
Oh, my.

Scene III

Scene III

Lights up on JOSEPH, sitting on a chair/toilet with his pants around his ankles reading a magazine. MAG knocks from offstage.

MAG
Anyone in there? Hello.

JOSEPH
Yeah.

MAG
Hurry up. You've been in there for ten minutes.

JOSEPH
I'm going to the... what, are you timing me?

MAG
It's an emergency.

JOSEPH
What am I supposed to do, stop?

MAG
Just open up.

JOSEPH
You're gonna have to wait.

MAG
Get the fuck out. It's an emergency.

JOSEPH
Not my problem.

MAG
I'm gonna break this fucking door down and kick your ass out.

JOSEPH
Ha.

The sound of a door being broken is heard. MAG enters.

JOSEPH
HEY!

MAG
My water broke.

Blackout

Scene IV

Scene IV

Lights up on RED and GRIFFIN in the bench/truck stage left. GRIFFIN is asleep. RED talks to him anyway.

RED
I had this parole officer one time who tried to get me to donate my blood. Not a chance I told her. It may be selfish of me, but as you get older, closer to cold space, you need all the warmth you can muster up. It's the only thing that keeps you sexy. Warm blood inside. When the blood goes cold, when the blood goes bad, nobody wants to touch you. (Waking Griffin up.) Something about the road that makes me want to break the law. Come on, get out.

GRIFFIN
What are you doing, Red? We're not stealing more gas.

RED
You have any money?

GRIFFIN
I told you, no.

RED
Well, sweet pea, we need to keep going, so...

GRIFFIN
I just don't know if that's the best thing we could do right now. (RED pulls out her shot gun.) Oh, no.

RED
Oh, yes. Keep the engine running.

GRIFFIN
No. Oh, no. Come on, Red, put the gun away.

RED
Here we go.

GRIFFIN
No, here we don't go. Put the gun down.

RED
I will if you hand over your stash.

GRIFFIN
What?

RED
The money.

GRIFFIN
Here, now put the gun away. Here.

RED
And a kiss.

GRIFFIN
Sorry?

RED
A smooch, I want a smooch.

GRIFFIN
Someone's gonna see you.

RED puckers up. GRIFFIN kisses her.

RED
Thanks. I like that. (RED gives him back his money.) Keep the engine running.

RED exits with the shot gun.

GRIFFIN
Yeah.

Lights up on JOSEPH and MAG, stage right. They are in a different location from RED and GRIFFIN. The remainder of the scene is a split scene between the two couples. MAG is on the floor in the middle of a contraction with JOSEPH leaning over her.

MAG
Ahhhhhh.

JOSEPH
Just breathe. Okay. Just breathe.

RED's rifle goes off and MAG has a contraction.

MAG and GRIFFIN
Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.

JOSEPH
It's okay.

GRIFFIN
It's okay.

MAG
I'm giving birth on the floor of a truck stop bathroom. It's not okay.

JOSEPH
You're the one who broke the door down to get in here.

RED
(From offstage) Fill her up baby.

MAG
I don't want my baby to be born in a truck stop bathroom.

JOSEPH
It's not so bad.

MAG
It smells like shit in here.

JOSEPH
Well I'm sorry.

RED
(From offstage) Sweet pea, fill her up.

MAG
Could you just get some help?

GRIFFIN
Right. Help.

GRIFFIN gets out and gets the gas pump which is a hose, connected offstage.

JOSEPH
I can't leave you.

MAG
I don't think my baby's supposed to be born for another month.

JOSEPH
Sometimes babies are born premature, didn't your doctor tell you that?

MAG
I know that, fuck face.

JOSEPH
That's a little uncalled-for.

MAG
Could you just get help. Oh, Jesus Christ.

GRIFFIN
Filling up, filling up.

JOSEPH
I was born exactly one month premature and I'm fine. I've always been healthy. I was supposed to be a Libra but my mother's doctor induced the labor, so they forced me out a month early. Now I'm a Virgo but I always read the Libra horoscope, I read the Virgo horoscope for awhile but it didn't seem to work, I'm not very organized, Virgo's are supposed to be orga...

MAG
Shut up.

JOSEPH
Just breathe. You're gonna be fine.

MAG
Please get help.

GRIFFIN
Tick tock tick tock.

JOSEPH
There's not time. You're gonna give birth real soon. Your contraptions are real close together.

MAG
My contractions, not contraptions.

JOSEPH
I'm sorry, sometimes I mess up words like that. I meant contractions. You're gonna be fine, your baby's gonna be fine, I have a little boy. I helped. You're gonna be fine.

MAG
You don't even know the difference between a contraption and a contraction, there's no way I'm letting you touch my... did you wash your hands.

RED
(From offstage) Get in, baby.

GRIFFIN
Getting in, getting in.

MAG
You were taking a shit. Did you wash your hands? I don't remember you washing your hands.

JOSEPH
No... there wasn't time. I'll wash them.

JOSEPH exits stage right.

RED
(From offstage) The driver's side.

MAG
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

JOSEPH
(offstage) Just breathe... (JOSEPH burns his hand with the hot water.) Och. Oh. Gosh darn.

MAG
What?

JOSEPH
Nothing, just breathe.

GRIFFIN
Breathe.

RED comes running on with her arms full of Pringles potato chips.

RED
WAHOOOOOOOO!

MAG and GRIFFIN
Oh, fuck fuck fuck.

JOSEPH
(entering) Your gonna be fine... lube.

MAG
What?

RED
Let's go.

GRIFFIN
You didn't...

JOSEPH
I'll be right back.

RED
Kill anyone? Not even close.

JOSEPH
I have...

GRIFFIN
Good.

RED
You left the hose in.

GRIFFIN
Shit.

GRIFFIN starts to get out and steps on some of the Pringles.

JOSEPH
We need to lubricate your...

RED
Well don't crush the chips.

GRIFFIN and MAG
Shit.

JOSEPH
I have some lubrication in the truck.

JOSEPH exits.

RED and GRIFFIN pick up their truck and run offstage.

JOSEPH comes back with a bottle of lubricant.

JOSEPH
All right, I got it, so now all we have to do is...

JOSEPH is too shy to put it on.

MAG
What?

JOSEPH
Mmmmm.

MAG
Oh, Jesus Christ just give it to me.

JOSEPH
You have to apply it to the... to the...

MAG
I know where to put it. Aqua Lube?

JOSEPH
Just put it on.

She turns away from him while she does it.

MAG
Oh, God.

JOSEPH
I know what to do. I've done this before.

MAG
It's fine. It's all right, you can help.

JOSEPH
Okay. You're gonna be fine.

MAG
Of course I'm gonna be fine. This ain't nothing... nothing but creating life. I can claim this. I can claim this. I'm a fucking fat butch bitch. I take up space. I kick ass, I fucking kick ass.

JOSEPH
That's it.

MAG
I'm a mother fucker.

JOSEPH
You kick ass.

MAG
I kick ass. I'm a big bitch big big bitch. I will conquer this. I'm gonna throw up. I want my mother.

JOSEPH
You're doing great.

MAG
I've never wanted my mother, all of a sudden I want my mother. Promise you won't tell her.

JOSEPH
I won't.

MAG
Why won't it stretch more? Oh my...

JOSEPH
You kick ass. Kick ass. Come on kick some ass.

MAG
I'M KICKING IT, YOU STUPID FUCK.

JOSEPH
WELL, GOOD.

MAG
KICK ASS

JOSEPH
KICK ASS

JOSEPH AND MAG
KICK ASS

Blackout

Scene V

Scene V

LEN runs onto a bare stage.

LEN
The earth is moving at 67,000 miles per hour. HOLD ON! (He mimes holding on to something and being blown sideways. After acknowledging his joke, LEN begins to set up MAG's hospital room. And then begins to climb on top of things.) Things I'm learning during my catalepsy. If we remove ourselves from the planet, float somewhere in a procumbent limbo while Earth soars by, 67,000 miles per hour, we can travel across her surface in the blink of an eye. Trouble is we can only move in one direction and if you're not precise enough you get lost in the planetary dust. As far as the eye can see, nothing but tar. Mama Earth covered from head to toe. Concrete encasing her. She's got sun deprivation. Needs a good tan. Only we can't look at little Miss Hot Flash. She's up there going through some perpetual menopause begin to be heard, seen. We have this vague idea that she really exists 'cause we feel her touch, but we look at the source, we go blind. Some crazy manic revolution will occur. I see it in our future. We'll tear up the gravel, cut the concrete, say "Hello Ms. Sun, thanks for being patient with us, we almost forgot you were there, that's why we've been u

MAG wakes up. Lights suggesting a campfire come up on GRIFFIN and RED, laying in a sleeping bag, cuddled up, after having sex, smoking a joint. Pringles containers abound. LEN and MAG are able to see them.

MAG
What the..?

LEN
Shhhhh.

RED
There I was stalled on the Navajo reservation knowing damn well that the Hopi are the Navajo's sworn enemy. Knowing that if I was caught there, a woman alone, a friend of the Hopi, and carrying the life force of the Hopi past, the ancient Navajo scalping ritual would surely be performed. Suddenly I heard a bang louder than the big boom.

GRIFFIN
What was it?

RED
I'm getting to that, peaches. I looked up in the direction of the boom and there, standing on a hill, overlooking my truck was a Navajo warrior. He was carrying the largest shot gun I'd ever seen and was aiming it at me. The sun was shooting down on the truck that afternoon, the great creator, Mitakuye Oyasin, was smiling on me, for the glare on my windshield was acting like a shield. It blinded the warrior as he tried to take one more fatal shot. I knew I had only seconds to act. I grabbed this rock, (She pulls out her rock.) instantly recalling the spell that was needed, and I shot a lightning bolt right up that Navajo's butt. Blew him clear off the face of the earth.

GRIFFIN
Wow.

RED
Here she is, my baby that saved me.

GRIFFIN
She's beautiful.

RED
She's okay, I mean a rock's a rock, but it's the inner beauty I appreciate. You can touch her if you want, darling. Don't be shy. Can you feel the heat?

GRIFFIN
Yeah.

RED
You know, I hadn't used that spell in years, but there it was filed away. The world provides for you. Everything you need is just filed away somewhere. I've gotta take a royal pee.

RED gives GRIFFIN her rock. She kisses him and leaves.

LEN
Careful with that thing, you never know when you might disintegrate somebody.

GRIFFIN
She's a little eccentric.

LEN
She thinks she shot a lightning bolt up someone's bum.

MAG
You're such a slut. Are you and she...?

GRIFFIN
What are you doing here?

MAG
Len brought me.

LEN
She's been trying to find you.

MAG
I was hoping I'd catch you hitching on the road, of course this is much better. Are you and she...?

GRIFFIN
It's not like that, well it's more maternal than any... yes.

MAG
You don't get to decide these things. You don't get to decide to be straight all of a sudden. Who is she?

GRIFFIN
Red Hawk. She's a lesbian.

LEN
Griffin.

GRIFFIN
She used to be a boy. Does that count?

MAG
Griffin.

GRIFFIN
I mean, she was reincarnated. She used to be a Hopi boy. She drowned in a flood.

LEN
Griffin?

GRIFFIN
What?

LEN
You're shtupping a dead Hopi lesbian grandma named Red Hawk, and you ask me "What?"

GRIFFIN
I think she had shock treatment.

LEN
That would explain her appropriation of Thor the God of lightning.

GRIFFIN
She's fantastic.

MAG
She thinks she shot a lightning bolt up someone's ass.

LEN
Or is it thunder? The God of thunder?

GRIFFIN
I believe her.

LEN
Thunder.

MAG
Great.

GRIFFIN
Why shouldn't I?

MAG
Because as much as I wish they could, human beings just lack the ability to wield lightning, do I really have to explain?

LEN
Not to mention her appropriation of a culture.

GRIFFIN
I believe her.

MAG
You just want to believe her, there's a difference.

GRIFFIN
Strange things happen all the time. I want to believe her.

MAG
Fine, run off with Madame Hopi and live happily ever after. I've had a baby. That's what I was supposed to tell you. She's in the other room. Kinda.

GRIFFIN
WHAT?

LEN
It's true. She's cute. A little squished but ya know, cute, like a bull dog.

MAG
Hey.

GRIFFIN
How is this possible?

LEN
Griff, watch what I can do.

MAG
Strange things happen all the time.

GRIFFIN
For nine months....

LEN
Eight, she was a month premature. Watch me do my dive.

GRIFFIN
For eight months you were pregnant and you didn't tell?

MAG
I forgot.

GRIFFIN
You forgot?

LEN
Look up here.

MAG
I remembered when my water broke. I thought, "Oh my god, I just peed in my pants", and then it hit me, like when you remember a toy you had as a little kid, something you hadn't thought about since mom threw it away or whatever.

GRIFFIN
Maggie, it's not a toy.

MAG
I know that, I just pushed it out of my vagina.

GRIFFIN
You never looked pregnant.

MAG
You never looked at me.

GRIFFIN
I think I'd notice that.

LEN
You thought she was just getting fatter.

MAG
Fucker.

GRIFFIN
Do you know who the father is?

MAG
I had a baby. No man, no syringe in the cooter.

GRIFFIN
Maggie.

MAG
I've given birth to the next baby Jesus.

LEN
Hey Griff what should I do?

MAG
Do a swan.

GRIFFIN
There's no water.

LEN
So.

GRIFFIN
Your gonna kill yourself.

LEN
Oh, no.

GRIFFIN
Not funny.

LEN
Watch me.

GRIFFIN
No. I hate it when he does this.

MAG
He wants attention, just give it to him.

LEN
Watch me dive. Watch me, Griff, look up here.

GRIFFIN
You're so juvenile.

GRIFFIN puts his hands over his ears and closes his eyes.

MAG
Hey Harold. Maude's coming back.

LEN
Missed the boat. Gotta go.

LEN starts to leave.

MAG
Wait. How will I get back?

LEN
You've always had the power to get home, Dorothy.

LEN disappears.

RED
Oh shit, it's the fuzz.

GRIFFIN
It's just my friend, Mag.

RED
Oh. Ha. Pleased to meet you.

MAG
(To Griffin) She can see me? (RED takes a big hit from the joint) Great.

RED
Want some chips?

GRIFFIN
I was just showing her your rock.

RED
You wanna hold her, Margaret?

MAG
Oh no, you keep her.

RED
Oh, come on, you can feel the energy just shooting up out of her. Here, put her in your hand. Hold tight. Tighter. She has her own heart beat. You can feel it if you listen hard enough. Can you feel it?

MAG
I'm trying.

RED
You gotta try harder. Or maybe, don't try so hard. Surviving in this world is a perfect combination of doing and not doing. You gotta learn when to work your ass off and when to just let things be. You find that perfect combination, you can hear any heart beat in the universe.

MAG
Thanks, I'll remember that. (Knocking is heard offstage.) Gotta go. Somebody's trying to wake me up. Hey Griff, you lost the teeth.

MAG exits.

GRIFFIN
Shit.

Lights shift onto LEN.

Scene VI

Scene VI

During the following LEN sets up JOSEPH's home, which is represented by a couch/bench and chair.

LEN
In the world of the unconscious you can see a planet full of chalked feet trampling all over every inch of space. People frantically retracing their steps. The previous evening.

LEN picks up a box of Cap'n Crunch and sits eating. GRIFFIN and JOSEPH enter. JOSEPH is unable to see or hear LEN. GRIFFIN, who is to busy trying to take JOSEPH's clothes off, doesn't notice LEN until LEN speaks. The sound of a TV is on. LEN watches.

JOSEPH
Let me get my...

GRIFFIN
I got it.

JOSEPH
Must've left the TV on.

GRIFFIN
You wanna shut it off?

JOSEPH
If you want.

GRIFFIN
Whatever.

JOSEPH
Okay.

JOSEPH exits to turn the TV off and GRIFFIN takes some lubricant out of his bag.

GRIFFIN
I haven't thanked you for the ride.

JOSEPH
(offstage) No problem. I turned it off.

JOSEPH comes back in.

GRIFFIN
I heard.

GRIFFIN kisses JOSEPH and struggles with the zipper of JOSEPH's jacket.

LEN
He's kinda old for you.

GRIFFIN
Shit.

GRIFFIN
Yeah.

GRIFFIN takes his shoes off while still working on JOSEPH's zipper

LEN
Forgot how much you like those middle men. It's no wonder it's a crisis being middle-aged, the middle never works. Too much waffling, too close to mediocre. (To Joseph) It doesn't work, baby.

GRIFFIN
(To Len) Out.

JOSEPH
The dogs get in?

GRIFFIN
No.

LEN
I don't think I can leave, even if I wanted to. My astrological dinner consisted of sugar cereal and now my system is going into that stage after shock when you start feeling things again. Pins and needles in the stomach. (JOSEPH tries to kiss GRIFFIN.) Who would have thought you could still eat crap. I miss you.

GRIFFIN
(to Len) I'm doing something right now.

JOSEPH
Sorry.

GRIFFIN
Len!

JOSEPH
My name's Joseph.

GRIFFIN
Sorry.

JOSEPH
That's okay.

LEN
Spent the entire day munching and watching television. I think I might be in a funk. It's a horrible combination. TV makes me feel ugly. All those ugly people that are oh so beautiful.

GRIFFIN
Here.

GRIFFIN pulls the jacket over JOSEPH's head.

LEN
I never imagined, while floating in limbo, I'd have the option of television, I thought I'd be free of that particular burden. Free of the tellyological argument. (GRIFFIN tries to take JOSEPH's shirt off but the sleeves get caught.) It's just the same here, only different variations. Nothing new under the sun. You'd think a person would get over it. I mean how long can you hang on to something silly like hatred for TV people. (GRIFFIN breaks the button on JOSEPH's sleeve and pulls his shirt off.) I watched this trashy show about the end of the world and how romantic it shall be. An asteroid will kill us all. (GRIFFIN attempts to pull JOSEPH's boot off.) I made a wish on the TV, a falling star, a self-luminous heavenly body, falling. (JOSEPH falls down while GRIFFIN straddles his leg pulling on his boot.) I wished, I hoped you didn't think of me with nausea. Seeing me botched up like that. You'd think a person would get over being body conscious. (GRIFFIN still can't get the boot off.) I'm gonna break out from all this sugar. (GRIFFIN still can't get the boot off.) I wished to wake up. Silly. Mother always said don't waste your wishes on things that can't come true. I wondered why you would leave. (GRIFFIN yanks the boot free.)

JOSEPH
OHHHHHHHHH!

JOSEPH has a premature ejaculation while GRIFFIN pulls his boot off.

LEN
Did he just... That was exciting. He really let that one fly.

GRIFFIN
Did you just... ?

JOSEPH
Yes. I haven't... in a long time, I haven't... sorry... did you want to... um

LEN
Cum?

GRIFFIN
No, it's fine.

JOSEPH
I'm sorry, I'm not that experienced with...

LEN
That's all right, he has enough for the two of you.

GRIFFIN
I'm gonna use your bathroom.

GRIFFIN exits.

JOSEPH
It's been a long time since... so used to letting the weather take care of me. I forgot about touch.

GRIFFIN
(From offstage) What?

JOSEPH
Nothing. Sometimes I just lay back and let the weather take care. Desert heat kind of melts your sex together. The kind of heat that turns your shirts yellow. Too hot to move. The slightest breeze sneaks up and well, you can't control... I'm sorry. I'm more comfortable with the weather.

GRIFFIN comes back in.

GRIFFIN
What did you say?

JOSEPH
It's hard for me to meet people way out here.

GRIFFIN
Why don't you move?

JOSEPH
Lived in the area my whole life.

LEN
I'm sorry.

JOSEPH
It's good. It is, just... not many... you know.

GRIFFIN
Probably more than you think.

JOSEPH
Oh, I don't know. Nice teeth.

GRIFFIN
Huh?

JOSEPH
The necklace.

GRIFFIN
Oh. Good luck charm.

JOSEPH
You believe in that stuff?

LEN
No.

GRIFFIN
Can't hurt.

JOSEPH
I suppose not. Can I see them? You don't have to. (GRIFFIN gives his teeth to JOSEPH) Are they yours?

LEN
Mine.

GRIFFIN
Yeah.

LEN
Little liar.

JOSEPH
Must of hurt.

LEN
Why would you name them wisdom teeth if you're just gonna pull them out?

JOSEPH
They're beautiful.

JOSEPH
You're beautiful.

JOSEPH
It's cold out. Stay.

GRIFFIN
No, I want to get.

JOSEPH
Did I mess up?

GRIFFIN
No.

LEN
Just a little?

GRIFFIN
You were great.

JOSEPH
Stay 'til morning, I'll make breakfast.

GRIFFIN
I can't do that, Joseph.

JOSEPH
I guess that's kinda stupid -- bribing you with breakfast.

GRIFFIN
No, not really.

JOSEPH
Where you gonna sleep?

GRIFFIN
I'm not tired.

JOSEPH
You shouldn't hitchhike; you never know who might pick you up.

GRIFFIN
Like you?

JOSEPH
Well...

GRIFFIN
I want to keep moving.

JOSEPH
You're beautiful.

GRIFFIN
Yeah. I know.

JOSEPH gives GRIFFIN money.

LEN
Sweet.

GRIFFIN
Thanks.

GRIFFIN leaves JOSEPH's home and walks out to the road. JOSEPH sees the teeth in his hand.

JOSEPH
Hey.

JOSEPH starts to go after GRIFFIN but decides against it. He wants a souvenir. RED rolls on with the truck next to GRIFFIN. It is the same as before.

RED
Get in let's go, let's go. Hurry up.

GRIFFIN
Hold on, I'm not all the way in yet.

RED
Sorry, can't stop now, I'm a bit of a fugitive here.

GRIFFIN
What?

RED
You like dogs, I have two dogs in the hatch. Hello Girls. You have any money?

GRIFFIN
89 cents.

LEN
No need to repeat. (Lights out on RED and GRIFFIN. LEN turns to JOSEPH.) Come on big boy. Come back to the present.

LEN smudges black on JOSEPH's eye and hangs the teeth around his neck. We are now in MAG's hospital room.

Scene VII

Scene VII

MAG is asleep in a hospital bed. She wakes up to knocking.

JOSEPH
Hello. (JOSEPH pokes his head in. He's clutching on to a teddy bear, obviously intended for MAG's baby but one gets the impression it's more for him. He holds on to the bear throughout the rest of the scene and leaves without giving it to her. He has a black eye.) I stopped by to see your little girl again. She looks a lot better now, they cleaned her all up.

MAG
She doing all right?

JOSEPH
(entering) She's fine. How about you?

MAG
I'm a little loopy. Drugs, don't ya know. They wanna keep me for a couple days.

JOSEPH
Yeah, I figured. Do you need anything?

MAG
I can take care of myself.

JOSEPH
Just thought...

MAG
Thanks. I'm sorry, about the eye.

JOSEPH
It's okay.

MAG
You shouldn't have slapped the baby.

JOSEPH
You're supposed to slap them to make them cry.

MAG
Why?

JOSEPH
To make sure they're alive.

MAG
Couldn't you just look at her to tell that.

JOSEPH
Well... sure, but that's what they do.

MAG
Who?

JOSEPH
Doctors.

MAG
Well, they shouldn't.

JOSEPH
Did you think of a name?

MAG
Not yet.

JOSEPH
You know they make you name her or they won't release you.

MAG
That can't possibly be true.

JOSEPH
They do.

MAG
I'll just walk out with her.

JOSEPH
You can't.

MAG
Watch me.

JOSEPH
Why not just name her?

MAG
Maybe I'll let her name herself.

JOSEPH
People like to be called things.

MAG
Called names?

JOSEPH
Well... course she's not really a person yet, more like a little spirit.

MAG
Yeah.

Lights up on GRIFFIN and RED in the truck.

GRIFFIN
Thank you. For doing this.

RED
I hope they're still there.

GRIFFIN
Red, what happened to your teeth?

RED
Too many evil spirits living in 'em. It upset me at first but there's something quite liberating about being able to plop your teeth down to let the gums breathe.

GRIFFIN
My mother says your teeth are God's pearls.

RED
Mine must be his trees.

GRIFFIN
Are they wood?

RED
You want to come live with me for awhile?

GRIFFIN
I just met you.

RED
So?

GRIFFIN
I don't think so.

RED
Why not?

GRIFFIN
You're a nice person but...

RED
But you got some place to go? It seems to me you're just roaming around 'cause you don't have anywhere to go. Am I right?

GRIFFIN
No.

RED
Why not then?

GRIFFIN
I don't know.

RED
How about I come with you? I did burlesque in Mexico City. Never been to a volcano. How about I come along?

GRIFFIN
I don't think that would be such a good idea.

RED
Why not?

GRIFFIN
Okay.

RED
Okay?

GRIFFIN
We'll pick up my teeth and go straight on to Mexico.

RED
Great. (sings) "Mexico ho here I come, right back where I started from." Hey maybe it'll explode. Wouldn't that be fantastic?

GRIFFIN
I don't think it works anymore.

RED
Shhhh, don't spoil the fantasy.

JOSEPH
I just came to check up on you. Say good-bye. You sure you're all right? I'll let you alone. Thank you. For the experience. Thanks.

MAG
Would you lay on top of me?

JOSEPH
What?

RED
Hey, put your arms outside the truck.

GRIFFIN
Why?

RED
Just do it. Am I the only spontaneous person left on the planet? Put them out. Like Superman.

MAG
Would you mind laying on me?

JOSEPH
Just lay on top of you?

MAG
Yeah.

JOSEPH
I don't know. What if somebody...

MAG
Never mind.

JOSEPH
No, I'll do it, it's just, what if somebody came in?

MAG
I'm not asking you to fuck me.

JOSEPH
No... I didn't... no.

MAG
Forget it.

JOSEPH
No, I'm sure... I'd like that.

MAG
I don't want you to now.

JOSEPH
Okay.

GRIFFIN
A bug just flew in my mouth.

RED
No, peaches, your mouth just flew into a bug.

GRIFFIN
My arms are getting tired.

RED
You don't get any sensation at all?

GRIFFIN
Numb. I feel numb.

RED
(sings) "Every party has a pooper that's why we invited Cooper. Party pooper. Griffin Cooper."

GRIFFIN
What exact sensation should I be looking for?

RED
I'm joining you.

GRIFFIN
You've gotta steer.

RED
That's why Mitakuye Oyasin invented thighs. (RED hangs out her side of the window, steering with her thigh and coasting down hill.) You feel something yet.

GRIFFIN
I'm scared.

RED
It's a start.

MAG
I changed my mind. You can do it again.

JOSEPH
Oh. Okay. How should I...

MAG
Just do it, no talking. (JOSEPH starts to get on top but doesn't know which way to face.) Face up please.

RED
WAHOOOOOO. Scream with me, peaches. We're flying. We're sprouting wings. WAHOOOOOOO.

RED continues to scream, after a bit GRIFFIN joins in. JOSEPH is now on top of MAG. MAG softly verbalizes Joseph's heartbeat.

MAG
Bubump bubump bubump

RED
I am the great red eagle. What are you, peaches? What are you?

GRIFFIN
I'm a bird, too.

RED
You can't be a bird. I'm a bird. What are you?

GRIFFIN
I'm Superman.

RED
No, already used.

GRIFFIN
I'm a giant hot air balloon.

RED
That will do. (sings) "Up up and away in my beautiful, my beautiful balloon."

RED and GRIFFIN break out of the truck and flap there arms like they're flying over the country side. RED flaps offstage. GRIFFIN is left alone with his arms outstretched. LEN walks on with a school backpack and books. He watches GRIFFIN. It's ten years earlier.

LEN
What are you doing?

GRIFFIN
Huh?

LEN
Sorry, I scared you.

GRIFFIN
No.

LEN
What were you doing?

GRIFFIN
Nothing.

LEN
Okay. It's cold.

GRIFFIN
Yeah.

LEN
My folks are gone. Wanna come over?

GRIFFIN
Sure.

LEN
Wanna kiss me? I shouldn't have said that. I should have just done it. People usually don't say no if you just do something 'cause it feels better than you would have imagined right? Should have just done it. It's cold.

GRIFFIN
Yeah.

LEN
Did you still want to come over?

GRIFFIN
Yeah.

LEN
Don't worry, it'll end soon.

GRIFFIN
What?

LEN
Being so awkward. It's bound to eventually.

MAG
What's your kid's name?

JOSEPH
Jonathan. We found it in a book. He lives with his mother most of the time. I go visit him at school. We have lunch together. I always bring lots of good food 'cause the kids, they're into trading lunches. They always huddle up around me so they can get in on the good stuff. You should see their faces light up. A simple thing, like getting to trade the bad stuff in your lunch for something real juicy... I always pack a good lunch for them. I see him a lot. He seems okay. I miss him. He's doing all right. I thought about bringing him by to see your girl. That be okay?

MAG
We won't be staying much longer.

JOSEPH
Sure, but long enough for...

MAG
Does he know you're a homo? Your son?

JOSEPH
Are you sure I can't call anyone for you? Do you have a husband?

MAG
There is no father, I had an immaculate conception.

JOSEPH
Oh.

LEN and GRIFFIN inch their way towards each other during the following story.

MAG
You think there comes a time when you have to figure out, there couldn't possibly be anything less attractive than someone who's not attracted to you? Years ago, I'm in high school, and I'm in love with this boy. There's this guy who always yells faggot to him whenever he passes him in the hall, and I think, "It's okay, I know you're not a faggot because I love you and have always loved you and know that one day we'll marry and you'll become this great something and I'll become a marine biologist even though I hate biology class and I'll save whales and we'll have a pet dolphin in the back yard that will do tricks for our kids and when we come back to school for our 20th anniversary everyone will see how you were just a sensitive young man who was perfectly normal and we'll be named King and Queen of the 20th anniversary ball and even though we know we're too good for such frivolous things we'll (MAG watches LEN and GRIFFIN) and he looks back at me as if to say, "Yes but which one of us would be crowned the queen?" And then he starts dating my brother. Lenny. Sad.

JOSEPH
It's charming.

MAG
Oh, the faggot thinks it's charming. Sorry. I'm too young to be bitter. I'm too young to be a mom. I'm too young to have varicose veins. Something is seriously wrong with me.

JOSEPH
You don't have varicose veins.

MAG
Look. (JOSEPH touches her leg.) That doesn't gross you out?

JOSEPH
It looks like a flower.

MAG
(regarding how sickeningly sweet the flower image is) Oh, God.

JOSEPH
Does it hurt?

MAG
Not anymore than my cooch.

JOSEPH
You're a beautiful young woman.

MAG
You want a baby?

JOSEPH
What?

MAG
I was joking.

JOSEPH
You shouldn't joke about things like that.

MAG
I guess that means you don't want her.

JOSEPH
Shhhh.

JOSEPH lays back down on her. They watch LEN and GRIFFIN.

LEN
Ever been to Mexico?

GRIFFIN
Tijuana.

LEN
Yeah? Ever been to the Rio Grande?

GRIFFIN
Is that in Mexico?

LEN
New Mexico. A million-year-old river expanding huge protective rock. Nothing awkward about it. I like that. Things that don't disappear just... disseminate. Never been. Mexico/New Mexico. Want to. Want to go every... (GRIFFIN kisses LEN.) What was Tijuana like?

GRIFFIN
Extremely awkward.

RED comes flying on with the truck. LEN runs off.

RED
(sings) "I want to fly like an eagle, to the sea. Fly like an eagle let my hmmm hmmmm carry me."

GRIFFIN and RED
(sing) "Fly like an eagle, to the sea. Fly like an eagle let my hmmm hmmm carry me".

RED
Oh, shit. (RED was about to hit something. She and GRIFFIN jump back in the bench/truck.) That was close. Ha. Riding through the countryside, like roller skating through the Louvre. Passing all them Monets, Cézannes, Rousseaus, Crazy depressed Van Goghs.

GRIFFIN
My dad went into this deep whacked-out depression one time.

RED
Did he cut his ear off?

GRIFFIN
No, it was like an entire lifetime of holding in all his emotions came out at once. Brought on by Casper.

RED
The friendly ghost?

GRIFFIN
The dog. My dysfunctional family decides to get this miniature dachshund. My mother's shrink told her it would solve the family problems if we had some little thing to take care of. Surprisingly, when we weren't throwing rocks at the poor little yap dog, it really worked. We loved this dog. The kind of love a mother hamster must have while eating her young, but we loved him.

RED
Lovely.

GRIFFIN
Especially dad. He is so enamored by little Casper that he lets it sit on his lap while he hand feeds the dog peanuts. Only he doesn't just hand feed him the peanuts he peels them 'cause Casper hates that paper coating on the peanuts. He does this every night and Casper keeps getting fatter and fatter. Until everywhere he goes he whimpers 'cause his stomach and balls drag on the ground.

RED
Oh, dear.

GRIFFIN
So dad decides Casper needs to get some exercise. He starts taking him on these long walks in the forest. So, one day Casper's running...

RED
Hopping you mean, miniature wiener dogs don't run, they hop.

GRIFFIN
He's hopping around through the forest when all of a sudden dad hears this yelp. He races off in the direction of the yelp, and there, lying in the tall grass is Casper with his enormous peanut stomach lying out of his body. He picks Casper up...

RED
...and his stomach?

GRIFFIN
And his stomach and races him to the vet.

RED
What happened?

GRIFFIN
A bobcat go hold of him.

RED
This is exciting.

GRIFFIN
So about ten thousand dollars later we bring home a very weak but alive little wiener dog. We had to put newspaper down all over the floor 'cause the poor dog has this tube sticking out of him that leaks yellow fluid everywhere. But he's okay, as okay as a dog can be that's had his stomach separated from its body.

RED
This made your pops have a nervous break down?

GRIFFIN
No, I'm just starting. A month goes by and Casper is doing really good, right. So dad decides to take him out again, God only knows why after the last experience.

RED
I don't want to hear this.

GRIFFIN
Casper's running... hopping through the forest, he goes behind this bush and once more we hear the infamous yelp. The entire family goes racing down to the sound of the noise and we see Casper's little butt and tail in this bush. "Yea, Casper's alive, we thought you got eaten by the bob cat, yea." Dad moves the bush back... and that's all that was left. Just his little butt and tail, sticking out of a bush. The bob cat took off with just half the dog. So my father, who I'd never seen cry a day in my life, lost absolute control and couldn't stop for a month. This man, who would ask my mother for a boob job every Christmas, who drinks beer in the shower, who's never given me a word of encouragement ever, is so destroyed over the death of the family wiener dog he can't get out of bed. Literally can't get out of bed for a month.

RED
(playing psychiatrist) It was a substitution.

GRIFFIN
Well, sure... but... my friend's dead.

RED
Casper?

GRIFFIN
No. My friend who belongs to the teeth. Len, that's his name. He's not really dead yet, but...

RED
AIDS? Fag bash? Cyanide-laced Kool-Aid?

MAG
Hey, I don't know your name.

JOSEPH
Joseph.

GRIFFIN
So now I run around like a chicken with my head cut off sticking my dick in anything I can find trying to make a fit. Nothing fits.

MAG
Thanks, Joseph.

JOSEPH
Anytime.

RED
Anything?

GRIFFIN
I didn't mean...

MAG sees GRIFFIN's necklace around JOSEPH's neck.

MAG
Wait. Where did you get that?

RED
Yes, you did.

JOSEPH
What? (MAG pulls the necklace off of JOSEPH.) Hey.

MAG
Where did you get this?

JOSEPH
Give it back.

MAG
It's not yours.

JOSEPH
Yes it is.

MAG
Liar.

GRIFFIN
I'm...

RED
Don't apologize.

JOSEPH
You know him?

MAG
None of your business.

JOSEPH
Well, you obviously do. He gave it to me.

MAG
Liar. He has an unnatural fixation on these teeth. He wouldn't give them to me, he's not going to hand them over to some stranger.

JOSEPH
I wasn't a stranger.

GRIFFIN
We use to tangle ourselves up in some crazy knot. Like primates. I'd think, "How nice it is to get back to the basics...

MAG
Did you treat him good?

GRIFFIN
...Food...

JOSEPH
I tried.

GRIFFIN
...Contact...

JOSEPH
I'm not very experienced, that way.

GRIFFIN
...Sex...

MAG
Where is he now?

GRIFFIN
...Sleep...

JOSEPH
I don't know.

GRIFFIN
...Play."

JOSEPH
He didn't...

GRIFFIN
I always felt so small around him.

MAG
He didn't say?

GRIFFIN
Not unimportant small, small like how it feels to look up at the stars.

JOSEPH
No, he didn't.

MAG
Good.

GRIFFIN
I'd think, wow, I'm part of all that.

MAG
Maybe you'd better go.

JOSEPH
Yeah.

MAG
Okay.

JOSEPH
Okay.

JOSEPH exits clutching the teddy bear.

GRIFFIN
It's such a cliché. Why'd he have to go like a cliché?

RED
That's all death is, baby.

MAG gets up and starts to gather her things. LEN enters and sets up the next scene. They look at each other. MAG exits. LEN gets rid of the bed.

Scene VIII

Scene VIII

JOSEPH, sits leaning against LEN, at JOSEPH's home. LEN, unbeknownst to JOSEPH, is beside him stroking JOSEPH's hair. JOSEPH talks to an imaginary friend.

JOSEPH
So we're having this family outing at the beach. Somewhere in Peru, although, I've never really been to Peru, wouldn't even know if they have beaches, but that's where the outing takes place. Peru. Sounds like a beach place. So we're having this family celebration, everyone is all smiles, so much smiling going on it hurts, like you just ate something real tart. Tart smiles. My kid decides he wants to bury me in the sand. Dutiful dad says okay. It's fun. Lots of painful smiles. So he buries me and we're still smiling. Only my head's sticking out. And the family is playing dress up with my head. No body, just a head. Smiles. No teeth just lips. The sun is real hot this day. I start thinking if I could only get in the water, the cool water, then maybe I could get this waxy smile off my face. It's really painful. So I try to get up only I'm stuck. I can only move my nose and parts of my eyebrows. I was always good at moving (He motions with his eyebrows.) Only I guess I'm not as good as I thought. Nobody notices. Everyone's having so much fun. They're all just laughing away. Tight laughter through waxy smiles. (He demonstrates.) Right. The more I try to flag them down the tighter the dimples. My dimples keep getting tighter. Tart tight dimples. Big encasing dimples. And the sun, you'd think would melt the wax away but it keeps stretching that thing on my face. Not the eyebrows, the smile. It keeps stretching and making the smile real tight. Right. Sun burn tight. Painful tight. Growing pain tightness. I can see the water inching its way toward me and I say to myself it's okay. I just have to wait until the tide reaches me. 'Til the water cools down the smile. Relaxes the smile. So I wait. I wait. I'll just wait.

Another door is heard being knocked down offstage. RED and GRIFFIN enter.

RED
We've come for the teeth, you dog snatcher.

RED punches JOSEPH.

JOSEPH
OW.

GRIFFIN
Red?

LEN
A fight! A fight! A Hopi and a White!

GRIFFIN
Lenny!

JOSEPH
My name's Joseph.

RED
Peaches, don't get too close.

GRIFFIN
You could've broken his nose. You probably did.

RED
He's a thief.

GRIFFIN
So are you.

RED
You don't steal people's dogs. You don't steal people's teeth.

GRIFFIN
You all right?

RED
I'm telling you, Griffin, stay back.

GRIFFIN
He's bleeding. He's crying. You made him cry.

RED
Crap.

JOSEPH
I found the dogs in a truck.

RED
My truck.

JOSEPH
I thought they were abandoned.

RED
They're mine.

JOSEPH
They were hungry.

RED
So you feed them, there's no need to steal... stop crying. I didn't hit you that hard.

GRIFFIN
He's bleeding.

RED
You're not helping.

JOSEPH
I'm a little stuck, huh?

GRIFFIN
What?

JOSEPH
"No!
That's not for you.
Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing."

RED
Oh, dear.

JOSEPH
Dr. Seuss. My kid, he likes that. Boom Bands.

GRIFFIN
Lets get you cleaned up.

Lights out on JOSEPH's home as MAG walks on stage.

Scene IX

Scene IX

MAG is in a stolen nurses uniform carrying her baby. An elevator dings and she gets in -- this can be done with lights or sliding scrims. She talks to the baby.

MAG
Once upon a time there was a beautiful fat princess. Each morning she would get up from her night of romping slumber and apply the new shade of green to her famous fingers. Spring olive sea pine yellow jungle green on productive happy fingers. The people of the land loved their plump pretty. They loved her pillow breasts. They loved her gargantuan thighs, her rolling stomach, her bouncing butt, and her thick, thick arms. Her people loved her so, each night they held celebrations in her honor. Gatherings praising her might. Her beauty. Her prodigious mass. The Gods felt akin to the young princess. Being omnipresent. They allowed her to grow even larger. Creating her own space. Filling her own universe. She kept them safe inside. So much room inside. (The elevator dings again and the doors open. There stand RED, GRIFFIN, and JOSEPH.) Hi.

The group disappears behind the elevator doors. LEN enters.

Scene X

Scene X

Sunset. MAG, GRIFFIN, RED, and JOSEPH are all crammed in RED's bench/truck. There's not enough room so GRIFFIN is sitting on JOSEPH's lap. All five dogs, unseen to us, are in the hatch. RED is honking the horn and giving someone the bird out the window. Silence.

MAG
Well, this is fun. (RED starts to roll a cigarette) No smoking, please. Baby on board.

RED
(To GRIFFIN) Are you the father?

GRIFFIN and MAG
No.

JOSEPH
There is no father, she had an immanent conception.

MAG
Immaculate.

JOSEPH
Sorry, sometimes I mess up words like that.

RED
(to MAG) I knew there was something special about you. You have one powerful third eye.

MAG
Yeah, that's what all the girls say. I hear you wield lightning?

RED
On occasion.

MAG
We're just a special group. Griff speaks to the comatose, I astro-project, what do you do, Joseph?

JOSEPH
I don't know.

MAG
You can be the tooth fairy. Oh, it's time to pull out the angel cards.

RED
I love those.

MAG
Of course you do.

GRIFFIN
Mag.

MAG
What?

GRIFFIN
Just be nice.

MAG
Or what? She'll electrocute my ass.

RED
I just might.

MAG
Did you really have shock treatment?

RED
(To GRIFFIN) You told her that?

MAG
I tend to overhear things during drug-induced torpors. Did you really have shock treatment?

RED
Yeah, they shocked me. The whole fucking world shocks me. Hey I knew this girl, used to rub her hand on the carpet at school and chase after all the boys, ZAP! ZAP! She was one tough cookie... ZAP! We're all wishing we had the power of the Zap girl.

MAG
I thought you already had the power of the Zap girl.

JOSEPH
Anyone wanna sing road songs?

RED
Sure.

MAG
He was joking.

JOSEPH
Too bad.

RED
I was?

GRIFFIN
Can I have my teeth?

MAG
No.

GRIFFIN
Why not?

MAG
I swallowed them.

GRIFFIN
Just give them to me.

MAG
No.

Silence

RED
(Sings) "She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes. She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes. She'll be coming round the mountain she'll be coming round the mountain, she'll be coming round the mountain when she comes. We'll all go out and meet her..."

MAG is unable to handle a second verse.

MAG
He was joking.

JOSEPH
Does anyone know where we're going?

MAG
Someplace serene. Quiet. Clean.

RED
Mexico City.

MAG
That will do.

JOSEPH
We're not really going to Mexico are we? I have to work in the morning.

GRIFFIN
I thought you were stuck in the waiting place.

JOSEPH
Oh, well...

GRIFFIN
You're welcome to leave at anytime. (They keep driving in silence.) We're going east, shouldn't we be going south?

RED
Oh, dear.

JOSEPH
We're lost?

RED
You see more when you get lost.

MAG
We're lost.

RED
You're never lost.

MAG
Enough with the slogans already.

GRIFFIN
Margaret. (MAG throws the teeth out the window. LEN appears and catches them. LEN disappears.) What did you do? Stop the truck. Why would you do that?

MAG
Keep driving. Come on. The police are gonna be looking for the band of gasoline robbers and the crazy mother who stole her baby from the local hospital. We have to go.

GRIFFIN
Get out.

RED
We're stopping, my ass hurts. Nobody cares about us.

GRIFFIN
What did you do?

RED
You know if there is a God, he better kiss me soon or I'm gonna get a flat ass from all the sitting I seem to be doing.

RED puts the truck in reverse and parks it. Everyone files out. GRIFFIN scrambles about looking for the teeth.

MAG
I'm sorry.

GRIFFIN
You're sorry. Look for them.

MAG tries to give the baby to GRIFFIN so she can look.

MAG
Here.

GRIFFIN
No way.

MAG
Jesus Christ. (She gives JOSEPH the baby) Here.

GRIFFIN
Did anybody see where they landed? Oh, fuck.

JOSEPH
I think they went over the edge.

JOSEPH stands still looking out while the others scramble about on the ground.

MAG
It's getting dark, we're never gonna find them.

GRIFFIN
I don't understand.

MAG
We have to go.

GRIFFIN
Why would you do it? Keep looking.

MAG
I'm being difficult. I'm sorry.

GRIFFIN
Why did you have the baby? Why didn't you tell me? Anybody?

MAG
I didn't have much of a choice, I forgot.

GRIFFIN
That's convenient.

MAG
Fuck you.

GRIFFIN
You never acted like you were pregnant, like you had something special inside you.

MAG
How are pregnant woman suppose to act? You tell me Mr. Faggot.

GRIFFIN
Sacred.

MAG
Don't Griff, just don't.

GRIFFIN
Did you want it? Really?

MAG
It's not an it.

RED
I get so sad for the world, it's all gotta end soon, and then I think, "At least the population explosion is declining."

MAG
The support here is overwhelming.

GRIFFIN
I guess I can understand wanting a baby in your hour of need. They're cute and cuddly and will love you unconditionally, 'til they learn otherwise, anyway. Everybody has their dysfunctions.

MAG
You really think that's why I had her?

GRIFFIN
YOU THREW MY TEETH OFF A CLIFF. (GRIFFIN looks out at the cliff.) What is this?

JOSEPH
The Rio Grande.

RED
My God, it's just like Thelma and Louise.

GRIFFIN
Only different.

RED
Shhh, fantasy, spoil, shhh.

MAG
I never talked about it with you. It was so quiet inside, just a little extra heartbeat, a little extra rhythm. I couldn't say. Too scared I wouldn't be able to hear her. You ever feel that way, like you couldn't possibly open your mouth?

JOSEPH
I have. I do, most of the time.

MAG
Me, too.

RED
Peaches, I'm leaving you.

GRIFFIN
What?

RED
This relationship is completely... what's your word?

GRIFFIN
Dysfunctional.

RED
It's time to be healthy. The healing process takes a long time. For every bad thing you do to yourself it takes twenty good things to take the bad away.

GRIFFIN
That doesn't seem fair.

RED
It's not. I'm sorry, short and sweet. It's always the best way.

MAG
I hope you're not breaking up on account of me.

RED
Falls approaching soon. It's such a blessing, the new season. I live at the place that sound travels to. All the sound in the universe travels through me. Sound is sneaky that way. You may think it stops when you can't hear it anymore but you'd be wrong. It keeps going 'til it catches me. If I stay in one place too long, the sound knows where to get me, I go a little nuts. A person's brain was only built to take in so much noise. That's also why I know such an assortment of stuff. Every conversation that's ever been, has journeyed to these ears. I'm catching one from France as we speak. I wish I knew what it meant. The only thing in French I know how to say is, "How is Monique?" "Qui est Monique?"

MAG
That's "Who is Monique?"

RED
Shit. Really? Shit. Nobody ever said it anyway.

JOSEPH
We're not going to Mexico then?

RED
Mexico, New Mexico what's the difference? (Suddenly there is a change in the lights -- the sun has set in fast motion and night is passing quickly. Everyone notices.) Shooting star season in the dessert. Coming to an end. The last big hurray. (They watch in wonder. MAG takes her baby back from JOSEPH. GRIFFIN separates himself from the others. He continues looking over the edge of the Rio Grande. LEN enters and approaches him.

LEN
Time's running out, Griff.

GRIFFIN
Time: A system of those sequential relations that any event has to any other, as past, present, or future.

LEN
Right. Did you know the French used to have their own calendar?

GRIFFIN
No.

LEN
After the revolution. They wanted to eradicate all forms of religion from their system so they got rid of the "Before Christ" phoo phaw and started naming the months after things in nature. The Misty Month, The Harvest Month, The Fruity Month.

GRIFFIN
Interesting.

LEN
The Muslim countries have their own time measurement system, too. The Chinese. The Jewish. Astrologers. We used to go by the Julian calendar until Pope Gregory decided he wanted his name put down in history. Man makes up this theory called time, then battles it out for the copyright. Whatcha looking at?

GRIFFIN is still looking over the edge.

GRIFFIN
Lately, I've been imagining horrible things happening to me.

MAG
(To the baby and us) In my dream for the world green is everywhere.

GRIFFIN
It gives me comfort.

MAG
Lots of green, things that grow. Protected by some giant ozone cloche. Not unlike the way a good part of it already is.

RED
I'm sorry I hit your nose.

JOSEPH
It's okay.

GRIFFIN
I contract flesh-eating disease from the corner pay phone.

RED
I forgot, people aren't always malicious. Thought you stole my babies, didn't know.

JOSEPH
I'm glad you got them back.

GRIFFIN
I'm shot down by Peruvian rebels in Kentucky Fried Chicken.

MAG
Winter comes and all the green moves inside. It never dies, just moves in.

RED
You've got good ears, Joseph.

MAG
It understands what you can't say out loud.

RED
Sing me a song. Just for me.

JOSEPH
I only know one song.

RED
That will do.

JOSEPH sings and hums softly "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain When She Comes." LEN swings the teeth around.

GRIFFIN
I get bitten by a mosquito and die from West Nile Virus in New Mexico... with you holding hands, weeping, beside me. Changing bed pans, my leman sexton. My revenge. You have my teeth.

LEN
They're mine remember.

GRIFFIN
Give them to me Len.

LEN
No.

GRIFFIN
I want 'em back.

LEN
Well I'm not gonna give 'em to you.

GRIFFIN
Don't play, Lenny. (GRIFFIN starts to take them from LEN, who holds them away from him. They wrestle, LEN puts them in his mouth.) What are you doing? You're gonna choke, baby.

LEN
mmmmmmmmm

GRIFFIN
Len, spit the teeth out.

LEN
nnnnnnnnn

GRIFFIN
God damn it, you little prick.

LEN
mmmmmmmmmm

GRIFFIN
Please.

LEN
mmmmmmmmmm

GRIFFIN kisses him. LEN is wary of the kiss at first but then gives into it. GRIFFIN gets the teeth from LEN's mouth during the kiss. GRIFFIN holds on to them and then gives them back to LEN.

GRIFFIN
I used to think if I held you and allowed myself to love you I could fix everything. All our adolescent issues. Moms, dads, bullies, pimples. It all seems a little silly now. I'm sorry. I should be braver. I feel dead.

LEN
I feel dead, you're just a little lost. Watch me.

GRIFFIN
Why?

LEN begins to climb.

LEN
I can stare at the sun. I can look directly at it.

RED
I heard somewhere, that emotion only happens when something surprises you.

LEN
My blood never went cold, on the contrary, it was getting too hot for the organs.

RED
The trick to feeling in this too harsh world is to get yourself in those situations where surprises can happen.

LEN
I've been metamorphosing, becoming a self-luminous heavenly body, so nothing burns away, nothing goes blind.

MAG
Feet only get cold so they can be warmed by the fire...

LEN
I'm sending my rays of light off in search of adventure. Like baby spiders zooming off in all directions. The kind that don't stick around to eat mom.

MAG
...sex is like being held...

LEN
No more vicious trolling for me.

MAG
...and clothes always feel like they just came out of the dryer.

RED
I lose my breath when I think about it.

LEN
All the answers to everything you could possibly imagine are just bubbling away in the sun.

MAG
Things I feel too silly to say to anything but the green.

LEN
You begin to see the moments simultaneously. Live in the moment? They should make that plural.

RED
The surprises are so sweet. You sing so sweetly.

LEN
It's one of those things that steals your breath away, but because it's been stolen, you can't help but breathe.

RED
It's like jumping in ice cold water, this life.

MAG
What a surprise you are.

LEN
Griff.

GRIFFIN
Yeah.

LEN
Watch me?

GRIFFIN takes MAG's hand.

GRIFFIN
Yeah.

GRIFFIN, MAG, RED and JOSEPH watch LEN.

MAG
What a surprise.

The lights shine as bright as the sun. Blackout. End of play.

Table of Contents:   The Hot Month

Taylor Mac Bowyer's plays include The Hot Month (recipient of the Ensemble Studio Theater's "Next-Step Fellowship"), Red Tide Blooming, Dilating (an evening of one-acts), The Levee (published by Vintage), Blue Grotto, and the solo-play Okay. He is a member of the Circle Repertory Lab and has acted with The Jean Cocteau Repertory, Mabou Mines, Dixon Place, and at several regional theaters. As drag performer, Taylor Mac, he has performed in venues such as Joe's Pub, FEZ, and the San Francisco Opera House.

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