Lodestar Quarterly

Issue 8 • Winter 2003 • Featured Lodestar Writer • Drama

Now She Dances!

Doric Wilson

Crime and Punishment

LANE
(BILL still cradled in his arms) Once upon a time, there was a young footman --

SALOME
Never mind, Lane, things are quite funny enough. (To the summerhouse) Do you hear that in there? I think your hilarious attitude is in bad taste. You tire me. I am finished with you. (Calling offstage) Herod?! Mamma?! Everybody on stage.

HEROD and LADY H enter USC through the French doors.

HEROD
It's about time!

LADY H
No footman to announce us?!

HEROD
Only two chairs, where will --

LADY H
(Coming upon BILL's body) Rise, sir, from that completely recumbent position.

SALOME
He can't, Mamma, he butter-knifed himself to death.

HEROD
Who's responsible for this carnage?

SALOME
The butler did it.

LADY H
Not another one.

HEROD
(To LANE) Remove it.

LANE
(With a dark look toward the summerhouse) If Miss Salome is finished with it.

SALOME
Quite finished, thank you, Lane --

GLADYS and LANE pull BILL's body to the side. LANE covers it with the cape of Moloch. LANE and GLADYS exit SR, unobtrusively

SALOME
(To HEROD and LADY H) Have you any idea how long you've kept me waiting out here?

HEROD
My dear child --

LADY H
You sent us back in.

SALOME
(To HEROD) You and mamma have talked it over, yes?

LADY H
Herod and I --

SALOME
Yes or no?

HEROD
We did happen to discuss --

SALOME
To what conclusion?

LADY H
The conclusion is up to you.

SALOME
In other words, I'm to be it.

HEROD
I wouldn't put it --

SALOME
I am up to here with answers! Before I enter into any relationship with a male --

LADY H
(Fanning herself) Salome, please, the "opposite sex!"

SALOME
(To HEROD) Before I contract with you, corporate or carnal --

HEROD
The necessary papers have been --

LADY H
We're rich!

HEROD
Your mother, acting as your agent --

SALOME
I'm adding a rider to the contract.

LADY H
He hasn't anything left.

SALOME
(With a look toward the summerhouse) Oh, yes, he has.

HEROD
What do you want?

SALOME
(To HEROD) You desire me?

HEROD
(Looking for LANE) Where's the Ravel?

LADY H
(Helping herself to champagne) We can dispense with the music.

SALOME
(To HEROD) You crave and covet me?

HEROD
I'm very fond of you... where is Lane?

SALOME
And you will give me anything I ask?

HEROD
(Falling to his knees) Miss Salome, deep in my heart --

SALOME
Get up.

HEROD
(Rising) You're taking the romance out of it.

SALOME
Answer my question.

HEROD
What is it that you want?

SALOME
Just give it to me.

HEROD
Aren't you expected to dance?

SALOME
Later maybe. There's a little waltz step I'm warming up right now.

LADY H
Then it's settled! Quelle surprise. What an alliance. (Lifting a glass to SALOME and HEROD) To the both of you.

SALOME
No, Mamma, it is not settled.

HEROD
But --

SALOME
As soon as I've been given what I want.

HEROD
Then tell me what it is.

SALOME
(To the summerhouse) Him.

LADY H
Who?

SALOME
I want him. In there. He who rejected me.

HEROD
He isn't mine to give.

LADY H
He belongs to justice.

HEROD
To this summerhouse and those to follow.

LADY H
And you don't want him -- who knows where he's been?

SALOME
Fair enough. I consent to settle for his head.

HEROD
Do you know what you're asking for?

SALOME
From here up!

LADY H
My dear child --

SALOME
When little girls start asking for heads, they're no longer addressed as child.

HEROD
Anything else... the sun... the stars... the --

SALOME
No moon!

HEROD
(Opening his jacket, displaying a cache of jewels) Could I interest you in a few precious gems -- the black pearl of Poseidon... the Queen of Sheba's sapphire... the diamond diadem of Dido... Rasputin's ruby... the emerald of Montezuma... Donald Trump's digital watch?

SALOME
I lust for a head; give it to me, Herod!

LADY H
I swoon!

SALOME
Whatever you think best, Mamma.

HEROD
He hasn't had his trial yet.

SALOME
Try him here, now, guilty.

HEROD
We'd need a jury.

SALOME
I am your jury.

LADY H
Not in the face of history.

SALOME
Bother history.

HEROD
I'll not have history slandered, not in my garden.

SALOME
Stop procrastinating, Herod, throw the lions to the Christians.

LADY H
Dear, you've got that back to front.

SALOME
No, Mamma, I haven't.

HEROD
Court will come to order.

SALOME
Are we ever out of order?

HEROD
The accused?

SALOME
Your guess is as good as mine.

LADY H
You want his head and you don't even know his name?

SALOME
He has hundreds of names. Hundreds of thousands --

HEROD
His crime?

SALOME
You must know; you locked him up.

HEROD
After careful deliberation, we find the defendant --

LADY H
Guilty!

SALOME
Then give me his head.

HEROD
It's yours.

SALOME
How do I get it off?

HEROD
Not my jurisdiction.

SALOME
(Demurely) Antipas, my sweet --

HEROD
Not on your tintype.

SALOME
Twiddle, I should have saved Bill. (Looking toward LADY H) Mamma --

LADY H
Surely you jest.

SALOME
Where is Lane?

GLADYS enters USL. She has changed, is dressed as she was at the start of the play. She is jumping; ship.

SALOME
Gladys, bring me his head.

GLADYS
Are you for real?

SALOME
Sir Herod gave it to me.

GLADYS
(with chilly courtesy) Nice of you to try to include me in the action... (To the audience as she exits DSR) ...hell, I seldom last beyond the first ten minutes of the play. Let's face it, there aren't that many plays left with maids in them.

SALOME
If somebody doesn't do as I ask, I shall hold my breath until I --

LANE enters down the aisle with the tray from Act One. On it is the PRISONER's head, covered with a colorful tea cozy.

LANE
I found the tray thrown away in the shrubbery.

SALOME
(in awe) Is this?

LANE
(Climbing onto the stage, giving the head to SALOME) I put a tea cozy on it to keep it warm. (BILL has been revenged.)

SALOME
A wonderful head!

The fake phono sputters to life with the "severed head" motif from the opera Salome by Richard Strauss.

SALOME
(To the head) You did come to me, sir. I have in my hands, on a precious, middle-period Mesopotamian tray, under the cozy Auntie deFarge crocheted for me, a head. Bad country, miserable year, but a good head. An anonymous head. (Tweaking it under the chin) Aren't you sorry you never told me your real name? Now you'll never get proper credit. We must celebrate. We must sing and laugh and dance... dance! Yes! We must dance! (A sleazy bump and grind rendition of Maurice Ravel's Valses Nobles et Sentimentales is heard) Herod, we're going to a ball.

LADY H
(Producing a hat fit for Ascot from out of nowhere) Not without a hat.

SALOME
(Handing head to SIR HEROD) Careful, don't drop it.

LADY H
(Giving the hat to SALOME) Then you are happy?

SALOME
(Putting on the hat) Delirious. We're going all the way to France, Mamma. I'll tell Louis and Marie you send your love.

LADY H
Do that, dear. And should you chance to drop in on Caesar after the ball, give him one for me.

SALOME
(Retrieving the head from SIR HEROD) A young lady may well do without the benefit of naked trumpeters, if first she takes special care to master the intricacies of the waltz. (She begins a slow waltz with the head.)

HEROD
Now she dances!

LANE
But with her hat on --

LADY H
-- like the proper girl I raised her to be.

SALOME
Take solace from that as I exit waltzing.

Ravel's Valses Nobles et Sentimentales mutates into an insane and energetic distortion of a waltz. The music swells as the lights BLACKOUT.

End of Play

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Doric Wilson was one of the first playwrights at New York City's legendary Caffé Cino and a pioneer of the Off-Off-Broadway movement, writing, directing, producing and designing over a hundred productions. He was a founding member of Circle Repertory Theater and the Barr/Wilder/Albee Playwright's Unit, a participant in all three nights of the Stonewall Riot, and was active in the early days of New York's gay liberation movement as a member of Gay Activist Alliance and as a "star" bartender and manager of the post-Stonewall gay bar scene, where he opened such landmark institutions as The Spike, TY's, and Brothers & Sisters Cabaret. His plays can also be read at www.doricwilson.com.

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