Lodestar Quarterly

Issue 8 • Winter 2003 • Featured Lodestar Writer • Drama

Now She Dances!

Doric Wilson

for Richard Barr, Joe Cino, and Charles Loubier

Introduction

Shortly after The Importance of Being Earnest premiered in 1895, Oscar Wilde brought legal proceedings for slander against the Marquis of Queenberry. This determination to establish his heterosexuality before the bench caused the public scandal which led to his degrading second trial and imprisonment.

Operating on three main levels, Now She Dances! is a metaphor for this trial, blending characters from Wilde's Salome and Earnest with a postmodernist America. The denizens of Herod's decayed and corrupt court discover themselves constrained in the lace and frippery of a polite Victorian comedy of manners where they sit in judgment on a contemporary stand-in for Wilde.

The proceedings of this play are ruled over by Moloch, a deity who demanded of parents that their children be burnt in sacrifice.

Historical Notes

Now She Dances! was first presented as a one-act play at the Caffé Cino, 31 Cornelia Street, New York City in August 1961. Now She Dances! was extensively rewritten and extended into two acts for TOSOS Theatre Company. It opened in a production directed by the playwright at the Basement Theatre of TOSOS, 257 Church Street, New York City on September 11, 1975, playing 14 weeks (54 performances) and invited to Fordham University at Lincoln Center to participate in the Common Ground II Festival. Now She Dances! was further revised in Seattle, Washington from 1984 to 1987; Los Angeles, California from 1987 to 1991; and New York City from 1992 to 1999. It had its world premiere in Glasgow, Scotland in winter 2000 with Steve Bottoms directing.

About the time my play And He Made A Her showcased at the Cherry Lane Theater (1961), I was arrested for sexual whatever. (I was innocent.) The producer Richard Barr bailed me out of jail, and I ran to the safety of the Caffé Cino, sat at a table, and wrote Now She Dances! I should have dedicated it to the cop who entrapped me, and who, years later, encountered me in a leather bar, leered, and suggested maybe he and I... but that's another play.

Now She Dances! began as a response to the hilarious histrionics and fruity language of Lord Douglas's translation of Oscar Wilde's Salome. Written with overwhelming earnestness in no doubt equally florid French, Wilde's play has become a touchstone for decadence, equating lavender eau de cologne and slavering smears of silver eye shadow with degeneracy. I decided to rewrite it as The Importance of Being Salome. (Richard Barr found the right title in one of the last lines of the play.) The resulting play became an angry, ironic, nightmarish metaphor for the trial of Oscar Wilde -- the quintessential closet queen. It was Wilde's determination to establish his heterosexuality in court which led to his fatal final trial.

The Cino cast of Now She Dances! was headed by the ever-articulate Tom Lawrence (Lane), with zany Zita Jenner (Lady Herodias), and the so very beautiful Lucrezia Simmons (Miss Salome) and Joe Cino's favorite actress, Jane Lowry (Gladys). If you were there, you still remember the soup speech. The one-act Cino play was extended into a two-act version for the Playbox in the East Village in the late 1960s. On the way to the first rehearsal, Jane Lowry and Sloane Shelton traded roles on the 10th Street cross-town bus the way bobbysoxers used to switch sweaters. Opening night, the actor playing Bill, flying high on psychedelic drugs, was too busy watching all the pretty stage lights to bother coming on for his entrance. A happier memory was Berrilla Kerr swathed in yards of scarlet-swishing satin, slipping away from dinner "unnoticed."

In 1976, Now She Dances! was rewritten once again for TOSOS. Druid high priestess Sally Eaton (from the cast of Hair), and later Caroline Yeager gave harrowing and searing performances in brilliant and totally different interpretations of Miss Salome. Glamorous Mary Portser, forever juvenile Dale Carman, Machiavellian Michael O'Brien, jaunty John Michel, matinee idol John Murphy (and later the towering Brian Benben, mischief-making Marianne Leone, and Greg -- the hottest man I ever saw -- Michaels) kept Salome dancing for nearly a year in the Church Street basement home of TOSOS.

The play was again thrown into the rewrite mill where it ground round and round until Steve Bottoms convinced Larry Johnson to convince me to finish it (a debt waiting payment). The new version premiered in Glasgow, Scotland in the winter of 2000 with Steve Bottoms directing. For the first time Now She Dances! was played in tandem with Oscar Wilde's Salome. The cast was doubled, the actress cast as Salome also assayed Miss Salome. I suggested a gender switch -- the Herod from the Wilde in drag as Lady Herodias, Herodias to beard up as Sir Herod -- but nobody ever listens to me.

A very complex and difficult play, in Now She Dances! even the levels have levels. For all its insanity and layered complexity it is my most fiercely autobiographical play. Painfully private and highly sensitive details of my youth are shattered, stitched back together, and scattered liberally throughout the play. No, they are not the ones you think they are.

Audiences generally have no problem with the play's complexity, gleefully enjoying it moment to moment. On the other hand, most academics and the gay intelligentsia tend to loath it. Perhaps the character of Lane hits too close to home?

Doric Wilson
New York City
June 17, 2000

Characters

Act One

Entering

An empty stage lit by a work light. Scattered about is shabby rehearsal furniture and a rack with costumes to be used later in the play. During the preset, BILL enters from offstage and, acting as a stagehand, begins removing the furniture.

BILL, the new footman, is heartily young and blatantly American. Self-centered in his narrow sense of masculinity, he corresponds with the Young Syrian in Wilde's Salome. He wears Levi's and a T-shirt reading: "Nuke 'em All."

As BILL exits offstage with the next-to-last load of furniture, the house lights dim, and the ACTRESS who will play MISS SALOME and the ACTOR who will play SIR HEROD enter down the aisle.

The ACTOR is an aging matinee idol deteriorated into a rouged and rugged roué. His wardrobe is frayed foppish, he wears his topcoat casually draped over his shoulders. Later, as SIR HEROD he is Algernon well past his prime.

Dressed in anticipation of fame and fortune, the ACTRESS is an ingénue with a future. Later, as MISS SALOME, she is an uneasy blend of Gwendolen and the ecdysiast of the New Testament -- on the surface, a diffident daughter of propriety; in her soul, a carnivorous priestess of Moloch.

As the ACTOR and the ACTRESS reach the foot of the aisle, the play-within-a-play-within-a-play begins.

ACTRESS
(Disdainful of her surroundings) Is this --?

ACTOR
(Arms wide) A theater!

ACTRESS
Disgusting.

ACTOR
Atmospheric.

ACTRESS
Claustrophobic.

ACTOR
(Attending her with smirking lechery) Intimate.

ACTRESS
(Looking around as she ascends to the stage) Not at all what I was led to expect...

ACTOR
I think it's what they term experimental!

ACTRESS
(Doubtful) I sincerely hope not --

ACTOR
(Grabbing for her hand) You're here, I'm here -- we can still make this a meaningful experience.

ACTRESS
(Pulling away) Save it for later.

ACTOR
What need have you and I for flimsy make-believe? (Falling to his knees) Deep in my heart --

ACTRESS
I said later.

BILL enters from offstage to remove the last of the rehearsal furniture.

ACTOR
(To BILL) You're new.

BILL
(Defensive) What's it to you?

ACTOR
(To the actress, insinuating) Another "new" one.

ACTRESS
(Crossing to the costume rack) Five in the last month.

ACTOR
(Following the ACTRESS) Whatever does Lane do with them all?

BILL
Five what?

ACTOR
My costume hasn't been cleaned.

BILL
Not my job.

ACTRESS
(Examining the hem of her SALOME costume) What precisely is your job?

LANE, temporarily acting as stage manager, enters from offstage, carrying a clipboard. A butler with excellent references from The Importance of Being Earnest, LANE is smug and guarded -- the quintessential closet queen. He wears pin-striped trousers and a work apron. The rest of his butler's rig -- vest, stiff collar, and swallow-tailed coat -- wait on the costume rack.

LANE
(As he enters, protective of BILL) William will know his duties all in good time.

BILL exits offstage with the last of the rehearsal furniture.

ACTOR
(To LANE) My costume --

LANE
We couldn't afford to send it out.

ACTOR
(To the ACTRESS) With all due respect to you, m'dear -- (To LANE) we seem to have found the funds to clean hers.

ACTRESS
Mine are never soiled. (To LANE, indicating an exuberant red-feathered fan) What is this?

LANE
Your mother acquired it yesterday --

ACTOR
(To LANE, a throwaway) -- from Pick-n-Pay?

LANE
(To ACTOR, a throwaway) A traveling Gypsy.

ACTRESS
She intends to use it?

LANE
In Act Two.

ACTOR
It's in character.

ACTRESS
I wouldn't know. I never rely on props. (To LANE) You might suggest to dearest Mamma --

LANE
I've given her fair warning.

ACTRESS
(Shades of SALOME) Are you interrupting me?

LANE
Anticipating.

ACTRESS
(Sweetly) -- you might suggest to dearest Mamma, ever so nicely, that, in my final scene, should I notice even a flick of this fan, I shall throttle her where she sits.

ACTOR
Before we commence our little comedy, would you care to nip by my dressing room for a dram of Madeira, m'dear?

ACTRESS
You truly are, aren't you?

ACTOR
Dashing? Dauntless? Debonair?

ACTRESS
Wholly and altogether without redeeming social content.

The ACTRESS exits backstage toward her dressing room.

ACTOR
Hopelessly in love with me. They always are, all the ingénues. The price one pays for possessing a profile.

LANE
Might I remind you she is your daughter.

ACTOR
(Tightly) We've only my sister's word for that.

LANE
(Disapproving) But surely --

ACTOR
We both know how Herodias tends to muddle everything... (Before LANE can object)... should, in fact, the dear child be less kith than kin, we would do well to remember "the times they are a-changin'." One must be au courant.

LANE
Au contraire, one must be --

ACTOR
(As SIR HEROD) Servants do not speak French.

LANE
(As the butler) Very well, milord.

ACTOR
And spare me epigrams that snicker at incest.

LANE
As you say, milord.

ACTOR
A tone of censure? From you, Lane? (An innuendo) What did happen to the last one?

LANE
(In all innocence) The last one what?

BILL enters from offstage.

ACTOR
His "predecessor."

LANE
-- proved unsatisfactory. (To BILL) William, stand by to bring on the set.

BILL exits to the scene dock as GLADYS enters from the lobby. A maid with references from many other plays, she is arbitrary in her commitment to this one. A single woman of uncertain age, GLADYS is sister to Miss Prism. Dressed in contemporary street clothes, she carries her make-up kit, a PBS tote bag and her maid's costume on a hanger.

GLADYS
(To the audience, as she enters) Please, I'm late... which way is the rose garden? The rose garden, where is it?

LANE
Up here, Gladys.

GLADYS
(Hurrying down the aisle) Yes! Indeed! Up there you are, the evil-doer and the evil-done-unto! Problem is, which is which?

ACTOR
You're late.

GLADYS
We've already established that.

LANE
Very late.

GLADYS
(Climbing onto the stage) You're lucky I made it here at all. You won't believe the public transit in this burg. This one creep in a trench coat --

ACTOR
(Correcting) Not "transit --"

LANE
-- tram.

ACTOR
(Patronizing) Please try to remember, this is a period piece.

GLADYS
And so are you, dearie. (To the audience) Ain't he a picture of days gone by, what with his wavy rug and cheeks of rouge? Used to be a matinee idol, he was. Before electricity. (To the ACTOR) Had hair and teeth and everything, didn't you? Practically everything.

LANE
(Censuring) Gladys --

GLADYS
(To the audience) This one here's the butler. Very pompous he is, our Lane.

LANE
Gladys!

GLADYS
(To the audience) And the terror of the footmen. (Tweaking LANE under the chin) Grabs them above the knee in the pantry.

LANE
Gladys, that will do!!

ACTOR
Costumes are not to be removed from the theatre.

GLADYS
Took it back to my digs to wash it. Felt one of us should attempt to maintain some semblance of personal hygiene.

LANE
You'd best go in and change.

ACTOR
Tardy as you are.

GLADYS
(Looking around the stage) Where's the set? Finance company repossess it? Fire department find it too inflammatory? National Endowment revoke our grant?

LANE
(As the butler) The French doors lead from this rose garden into the London townhouse of Sir Herod, K.C.B.

GLADYS
(Still uncertain) French doors -- ?

ACTOR
(To GLADYS) You, however, use the servants' entrance --

LANE
(Indicating upstage right) -- back by the compost pile.

GLADYS
(To LANE) I don't need this job, you know. I've played more maids in more plays than you've had arrests for moral turpitude in Piccadilly tearooms.

GLADYS exits downstage left, establishing a nonconforming attitude toward entrances and exits she will maintain throughout the play.

ACTOR
(To LANE, a general to his aide) The preparations -- ?

LANE
-- are proceeding.

ACTOR
Tricky business seduction, requires the same meticulous attention to detail as a military campaign.

LANE
I've been briefed with tonight's battle plan.

ACTOR
The troops -- ?

LANE
Deployed.

ACTOR
The artillery -- ?

LANE
Primed.

ACTOR
The lady in question -- ?

LANE
-- unsuspecting.

ACTOR
My technique d'amour is derived entirely from the principles of armed conflict as delineated by Attila the Hun.

LANE
I might never have guessed.

ACTOR
Not much of a gentleman, that barbarian, but a damned fine strategist, romantically speaking.

LANE
The combatant's Kama Sutra?

ACTOR
As my friend the Marquis of Queensberry is wont to say, "the female of the species must always be treated as a treacherous adversary."

LANE
Sporting of him.

ACTOR
Lull the wench into a false sense of security with moonlight and music and when she lowers her drawbridge, mount your assault, rapier in hand!

LANE
The charge of the light brigade?

ACTOR
The ladies love it.

LANE
(Under his breath) Whatever gets you off.

ACTOR
Music is mandatory.

LANE
(Evading) There will be music.

ACTOR
(Licentiously) Ravel's Valses Nobles et Sentimentales?

LANE
As you requested.

ACTOR
Tape or CD?

LANE
Long play record.

ACTOR
(Crossing to the costume rack) Damned nuisance those musician chaps, demanding to be paid.

LANE
Fancy actors behaving so unprofessionally.

ACTOR
(Taking his costume) We can hardly expect Miss Salome to dance a cappella.

LANE
Assuming she condescends to dance at all.

ACTOR
Not dance? Don't be preposterous. It's expected... it's a matter of tradition... it's... it's in the script.

LANE
Then you need not worry.

ACTOR
(Almost an afterthought) As for the blood --

LANE
The blood will be authentic. Thick... warm... red... and most convincing.

ACTOR
Yes... well... jolly good.

The ACTOR exits offstage to his dressing room carrying his costumes.

Setting the Stage

BILL
(Coming to the edge of the stage) Lots of junk back here.

LANE
Start handing it out.

BILL
(Returning to the scene dock) What do you want first?

LANE
(Checking his clipboard) Flora. Let's set up the undergrowth.

BILL
(Offstage) Trees? Flowers? Shrubs?

LANE
William, bring on garden.

BILL enters from the scene dock with a wing flat, which LANE and he position downstage left. As the scene progresses, they will set the stage to represent the rose garden of SIR HEROD's London townhouse.

The scenery, when in place, is patched and peeling and flatly two-dimensional. Pictorially Victorian, it is lushly painted with indolent begonias and overblown roses intertwined in a sinister mesh of excessive ferns and convoluted vines. Through a gap in this strangle of shrubbery is glimpsed SIR HEROD's stately home. Ornamental steps, flanked by fuchsia-laden urns, lead to French doors and within.

BILL
(As he enters) Whose blood?

LANE
(Assisting BILL) Not your concern. (Reminiscing) I remember as if it were yesterday my coming into the employ of this house. Palestine Walk it was known as in those days. My father -- he was head eunuch -- brought me in to amuse the boys. Young master Philip, young master Archelaus and young master Herod -- "Antipas" we called him below the stairs. As the old earl -- Herod Antipater -- was notoriously lethal toward children, we were confined to the tower. (His eyes misting over) The tower. What fond memories. There were rafters in the tower and chains and manacles and assorted other implements of persuasion. On rainy days the young masters were forever devising recreation, which inevitably was me. Boys being boys, I was frequently... well. I doubt they meant me permanent harm. (With malicious pleasure) Philip was the first to go. Done in by a fetish for the sea. A grappling hook to the thorax. A bit fishy, as he was discovered in his own bath, nearly a hundred miles from the nearest merchant marine. Archelaus was next to meet his maker. It was Christmas Eve. The family was in the drawing room playing charades. Archelaus was acting out King Edward the Second, somebody had tampered with the poker. Most unfortunate. Authentic as hell. At the time Sir Herod was blamed as he had been observed, not a moment before, stoking the yule log. (portending) Now Herod himself, the last of the line . . .

BILL
(Referring to HEROD) He's a big shot?

LANE
(Back to here and now) Sir Herod is a lord justice of the highest court, a peer of the realm, a personage of ancient lineage, staggering debts and impeccable prominence.

BILL
Says who?

LANE
Debrett's.

BILL
What's that?

LANE
A book which tells you who's who.

BILL
(As he exits to the scene dock) My mom doesn't approve of books.

LANE
She's illiterate?

BILL
(Offstage) Naw, she's been married seven times.

BILL enters from the scene dock with a second wing flat. LANE helps him place it downstage right.

LANE
Where did she acquire her antipathy to literature?

BILL
Grade school.

LANE
Prodigious of her.

BILL
Mom says books pervert the mind.

LANE
(Fascinated) Your mother's an authority on perverts?

BILL
We had a whole library of books in our town, but mom got all the church ladies together and they cleaned it out. (As he exits to the scene dock) Except for the Bible.

LANE
You're a student of scripture?

BILL
(Offstage) I have a friend in Christ.

LANE
Then you'll feel right at home in our little scenario, it's vaguely biblical.

BILL enters from the scene dock with a third wing flat. LANE helps him place it stage left.

BILL
(As he enters) I've been born again.

LANE
How uncomfortable.

BILL
Have you been saved?

LANE
From what?

BILL
Eternal damnation.

LANE
Probably not.

BILL
(Making a fist) You deny Jesus?

LANE
Nothing personal. He goes his way, I go mine.

BILL
Refuse salvation, I'll punch you in the face.

LANE
Threatening me bodily harm?

BILL
Only 'cause I love you.

LANE
(Charmed) William.

BILL
I'm a Christian, I love all creatures great and small. Except the humanists.

LANE
(Intrigued) And punching me in the face is how you express affection?

BILL
(As he exits to the scene dock) If it'll save your soul.

LANE
How came you to our "sceptred isle?"

BILL
(Offstage) Where?

LANE
How did you arrive in England?

BILL
(Offstage) I hitchhiked.

BILL enters from the scene dock with a fourth wing flat. LANE helps him place it stage right.

LANE
Wanderlust?

BILL
Nah, an itch to travel.

LANE
To see the world?

BILL
To get away from my stepdad.

LANE
Unsympathetic was he?

BILL
Nah, he kicked me out.

LANE
What did he catch you doing?

BILL
Failing.

LANE
At what?

BILL
Nothing in particular.

LANE
An all-around underachiever?

BILL
(With pride) School, sports, selling used cars -- you name it, I'm unsuccessful at it.

LANE
(With an ulterior motive) Are you currently fiancéd?

BILL
Beg pardon?

LANE
Have you a girlfriend?

BILL
Don't you?

LANE
You must miss her.

BILL
Not as much as I miss my best buddy.

LANE
This "buddy" of yours, why didn't he accompany you on your travels?

BILL
He got married.

LANE
To your girlfriend.

BILL
(Impressed) How'd you know that?

LANE
Intuition.

BILL
So I'm working my way to the Holy Lands.

LANE
A pilgrimage.

BILL
Nah, to join the Marines and sock it to the infidels.

LANE
Which infidels in particular?

BILL
Arabs, Jews, liberal Democrats... all them Godless heathens.

LANE
How romantic.

BILL
(Sneering) Romance is woman's stuff.

LANE
What would you call running off to the Foreign Legion to nurse a broken heart?

BILL
Real men don't get broken hearts, they have coronaries.

LANE
You'll look most impressive in uniform.

BILL
Yeah, I know.

LANE
You definitely have the physique for it.

BILL
(Flexing) I do, don't I?

LANE
Awesome musculature.

BILL
Wanna feel my biceps?

LANE
(Tempted) This hardly seems the time or the place --

BILL
(Ingenuous) Ah... come on... It's just between us guys.

LANE
(Uncomfortable) The possibilities are most intriguing.

BILL
(Flexing) Grab a hold of this.

LANE
(About to succumb) The probability fraught with --

Before LANE can make his move, GLADYS pops out from behind the just placed stage right flat. She wears her maid's costume and a dust cap, carries an immense transistor radio, street variety, and an old fashioned phonograph horn.

GLADYS
(As she enters) Hope I'm not intruding.

LANE
(Rapidly moving away from BILL) Not at all.

GLADYS
(To BILL) Why hello there.

BILL
Howdy.

GLADYS
(Vamping) Where has Lane been keeping you?

LANE
Busy.

GLADYS
(To BILL) My friends call me Gladioli Glad.

LANE
William is occupied. As you should be, Gladys.

GLADYS
(To BILL) Don't talk much, do you?

LANE
When he has something to say.

GLADYS
(To BILL) The strong, silent type?

BILL
Yep.

GLADYS
(Offering the radio and horn to LANE) Before you go all red in the face and start stomping about in a snit, I'm well aware this phonograph isn't strictly period so I scrounged around in the attic and found this old morning-glory horn -- isn't it a hoot?

LANE
(Horrified) A transistor radio?

GLADYS
Or as they say in the vestibule, a ghetto blaster. I liberated it from a nubile number in pink spandex who almost ran me down on his ruby red roller skates.

LANE
(Returning the radio and horn to GLADYS) This is in no way suitable.

GLADYS
Sure it is. (Trying to attach the horn to the radio) We simply insert... jam this into here -- (The radio complains loudly) -- - and we have an almost-plausible facsimile Gramophone, circa here and now, by which I mean then and -- (Frustrated, she gives the radio and horn to BILL) -- there, you're male, you're mechanically inclined.

The Wrong Music

GLADYS exits hastily to the wings. A baffled BILL exits to the scene dock trying to figure out how to connect the horn to the radio as LADY HERODIAS, a dowager dreadnought, enters full steam down the aisle. Bracknell deranged, LADY H is dressed for the boulevards of 1895. She carries a beaded reticule, her hat is a fantastic bird of prey.

LADY H
(Barging down the aisle) I came the back way through the streets. I felt it best to avoid scrutiny. (To the audience) I cannot with clear conscience recommend the streets. The people one encounters on them are revolting. Actively. (As she climbs onto the stage) Indeed, I've a maxim for you. Curb your every inclination toward pedestrianism -- it only puts you in proximity with the wrong people.

LANE
(Conspiratorially) Did you accomplish your mission.

LADY H
(Warily) My swine of a brother?

LANE
Sir Herod is feeding the falcons.

LADY H
You mean he's stumbling into his costume between swigs from the bottle. He better stay sober tonight. (A sudden thought) He isn't... he hasn't --

LANE
He suspects nothing.

LADY H
And my diffident daughter? My guileless little girl?

LANE
Miss Salome is in the music room, whittling.

LADY H
(As Mata Hari) Step aside.

Before LANE can comply, BILL enters from the scene dock with the flat depicting the facade of the house. Guiltily, LANE and LADY H quickly separate. LANE helps BILL position the flat upstage center.

LADY H
(For BILL's benefit) The garden is pulling itself together quite nicely. (Indicating the foliage depicted on the wing flats) Look, hemlock in full bloom and it's only May. And foxglove... and there, deadly nightshade... and here, look, dainty belladonna... how I do prefer the domestic poisons. They take me back to when I was but a sprig of a thing -- a silly miss -- gathering me banewort where I might.

BILL
(Alarmed) Poison?

LANE
Roses and begonias, all very benign. (To LADY H) You're overloading the metaphor.

BILL
(Still suspicious) What's a metaphor?

LADY H
You are. (To the audience) Years ago Lane brought home this languid lad with aesthetic posture and creative hair who designed our set for us and then was seen no more. (To LANE) Did we ever recover the family silver?

BILL
If this Herod guy's such a hot shot --

LANE
Yes, William?

BILL
-- how come he doesn't have real plants?

LADY H
(Nonplussed) Qu'est-ce que c'est "real?"

BILL
You know, plastic -- like they have on TV.

LADY H
(Affronted) Television?

BILL
That's my big ambition. To be on the tube.

LANE
You aspire to fame and fortune?

BILL
Nah, I want to crash cars and kill people.

LADY H
(To LANE, a throwaway) Wherever did you pick up this one? No, I'd rather not know. (To BILL, as before) Young man, are you reliable?

BILL
What's in it for me?

LANE
(To LADY H) He's colonial.

LADY H
Nonsense. They never put Americans on the stage. Not even in America. (To the audience) I've played Masterpiece Theater, I know of what I speak. (To BILL) Young man, tonight, here in the garden, Lane and I are planning an intimate tête-à-tête -- nothing actually outré, but should the proceedings turn a trifle --

LANE
(Warning) Milady --

LADY H
Shouldn't he be in on it?

BILL
In on what?

LANE
Nothing which concerns you.

LADY H
(To BILL) Young man, I've a maxim for you. Delve not.

A puzzled BILL exits to the scene dock.

LANE
(Pulling LADY H aside) Did you accomplish your mission?

LADY H
(Referring to the streets) Out there in the streets is anarchy. Fuzzy fiscal policies stalking the better shops, radicals running riot, left to right, close personal acquaintances hanging from the lampposts -- but for the sake of you and your silly mission I gathered me skirts about me and persevered, when suddenly, to my horror, there, before me, was... was... was --

LANE
(Skeptical) What?

LADY H
A hand.

LANE
A hand?

LADY H
Your usual five fingers. Nothing out of the ordinary. No, now that I recall, there was an ink smudge near the knuckle of the third digit from the thumb. Or was it the first digit from the pinkie?

LANE
(Losing patience) Had this hand a face?

LADY H
I daren't look. There stood I, there stood the faceless hand -- the both of us poised on the precipice of an impasse. And then I saw it. The anonymous appendage with the ominous ink stain was proffering to me a piece of paper.

BILL enters from the scene dock with a step unit which he places at the French doors.

LANE
A piece of -- ?

LADY H
-- 8½ by 11 inch rag bond with miscellaneous mimeography on it. Which I instantly disposed of in the proper receptacle. (LANE reaches out his hand) It may have inadvertently slipped into my reticule. (Producing the piece of paper)

As LANE reaches for the paper, GLADYS appears from the wings and intercepts it.

GLADYS
(Snatching the paper) A flyer!

LANE
A circular of protest?

LADY H
Such a polite, well-groomed young man. You'd never guess he was a dirty Bolshevik, bent on circulating protest.

LANE
I thought you didn't see him.

LADY H
I didn't.

BILL
What's he protesting?

LADY H
Me. They're always protesting me.

LANE
(To GLADYS, curious about the cause) Save the whales? Ban the bomb? Free the Standard and Poor's 100?

GLADYS
(Perusing the flyer) It's something about the G.D.F. (As she comprehends) Ha! Lady Herodias, avert your eyes!

LADY H
It's off-color?

GLADYS
Depravity, pure and simple.

BILL
Porno?

GLADYS
(Offering the flyer to LANE, a gleam in her eye) This, I think, is addressed to you.

LANE
(Reaching for the flyer) Me?

LADY H
(Intercepting the flyer) What would Lane want with obscenity?

LANE
(Attempting to retrieve the flyer) Mine, milady.

LADY H
(Examining the flyer front and back) I see no depravity. (To GLADYS) Gladys, you were titillating us. Oh... here it tells what "G.D.F." stands for. (Reading) "Gay Defensive Front."

LANE
(Under his breath) Peachy.

LADY H
(Looking to LANE) Gay? Happy? I don't understand. Why be defensive about being happy.

BILL
If they're so happy, why run around protesting?

LANE
(Dismissing BILL) William --

BILL
I'm on a break.

LANE
(Pushing BILL toward the scene dock) The grownups need to talk.

BILL
(Reluctantly exiting) Just when it starts to get interesting.

LADY H
(Flyer in hand) Will somebody explain this to me?

LANE
(On the spot) I... er...

GLADYS
(Enjoying LANE's discomfort) It's a euphemism.

LADY H
A euphemism for what?

LANE
A euphemism for a euphemism.

LADY H
To be happy?

GLADYS
The synonym.

LADY H
Gay?

LANE
Does milady chance to remember Oscar Wilde?

LADY H
Mr. Oscar Wilde is not a fit subject for conversation. Certainly not in a family entertainment.

GLADYS
The circular comes from one of them.

LADY H
One of whom?

LANE
Mr.  Wilde's progeny.

LADY H
They don't have progeny.

GLADYS
(Still needling LANE) We throw 'em all in jail.

LANE
We seem to have missed one or two.

LADY H
(Staggered by the thought) You mean to say out there in the streets I was placed in juxtaposition with a... with a...

GLADYS
Sodomist! (See the trials of Oscar Wilde.)

BILL enters from the scene dock with an urn.

BILL
(As he enters) A sodo-what?

LANE
(Taking the urn from BILL) An unlicensed proctologist.

BILL exits back to the scene dock.

LADY H
I might have been molested.

LANE
(Placing the urn next to the step unit) I sincerely doubt it.

LADY H
(Waving the flyer) This is an omen.

LANE
It is nothing of the sort.

LADY H
The writing's on the wall, I tell you. There... above our heads... "Mene Mene Tekel Upharsim!" Mimeographed.

LANE
That particular message was meant for Belshazzar.

GLADYS
It's all in the family.

BILL enters from the scene dock with the second urn which he places next to the step unit.

LADY H
Whatever is this country coming to?

GLADYS
Perversion lurking in every byway?

LADY H
Are none of us safe?

GLADYS
Shall we all be murdered in our beds by bad Judy Garland impersonations?

LANE
(To LADY H, unaware of BILL) I entrusted you with an errand of the utmost importance, some street queen gives you a flyer, and you go all unglued. You return the back way, empty-handed.

LADY H
(As a drug transaction) The password?

LANE
Cut the flummery.

LADY H
(To GLADYS, as she extracts a parcel from the folds of her costume) Gladys, keep a peeled eye.

LANE
(Eagerly) You managed to score?

LADY H
It had to be arranged.

LANE
(Snatching the parcel and tearing it open) How much arranged?

LADY H
Our usual source was not available.

LANE
(Revealing a long play record album) As long as it's legitimate.

LADY H
I paid more than the going price.

LANE
(Reading the album title) Holy Mother of Moloch!

LADY H
What?

LANE
(Returning the album with great disdain) Beginner's Burlesque?

LADY H
(Reading from the liner notes) "Bump your way out of the daily grind"?

GLADYS
(Snatching the album from LADY H, reading the notes) "Flesh and how to flash it"?

BILL
(Sneaking a peek at the cover) Hot damn!

LANE glares at BILL, causing him to exit to the scene dock.

LANE
(To LADY H) You seriously expect Miss Salome to frolic about the shrubbery in her altogether accompanied by snare drums and slide trombones?

LADY H
I naturally expect my dear daughter to -- (The horrible realization hits home.)

LANE
Precisely.

LADY H
We're dead meat.

GLADYS
T'ain't missing tonight's shindig for nothing. (She hums a bump and grind rendition of The Snake Charmer's Dance while doing a Sally Rand fan dance with the album cover) I see Paris, I see France, I see Salome's underpants --

LADY H
(Retrieving the album from GLADYS) Steady, Gladys!

LANE
(To LADY H) Take it back.

LADY H
Take it back?

LANE
Explain to the clerk that this is not the noble and sentimental waltzes of Ravel.

LADY H
Unhappily --

LANE
Simply demand he make an exchange.

LADY H
I doubt he'll still be operating from the same street corner.

GLADYS
Street corner?

LANE
But surely --

GLADYS
Milady's made a bum connection.

LADY H
I've been hornswoggled.

LANE
What am I to tell Sir Herod?

LADY H
(Giving the album to LANE) I've a maxim for you. Make do.

LANE
(Appalled) "Make do"?

LADY H
We all know who's behind this sabotage. (Brandishing the flyer) The Gay Defensive Front. This is their doing. Oscar Wilde's revenge. A conspiracy of Gannymedes. Well, they shan't get away with it. I will see them hanged! Drawn and quartered! Vasectomized! (As she exits, a rogue caribou) Herod?! Herod, dear brother?! Debauched... debased... I've been undone!

Fly in the Ointment

GLADYS
His lordship'll have apoplexy.

LANE
(Looking for somewhere to hide the album) His lordship need never know.

GLADYS
As for the kid, she'll have a conniption.

LANE
Miss Salome is no kid.

The ACTRESS enters upstage right, wearing a dressing gown.

ACTRESS
(To GLADYS, as she enters) You.

GLADYS
Yeah?

ACTRESS
"Yeah?"

GLADYS
(As a proper maid) Yes, Miss, I'm sure.

LANE takes advantage of the ACTRESS's distraction to hide the album behind one of the urns.

ACTRESS
(Watching LANE out of the corner of her eye) I'm not at all sure.

GLADYS
No, Miss.

ACTRESS
I've seen you somewhere before.

GLADYS
I've worked for a lot of other plays.

ACTRESS
(With a lethal smile) It's unlikely we frequent the same plays.

GLADYS
Yes, Miss.

ACTRESS
It's even less likely we frequent the same playwrights.

GLADYS
No, Miss.

ACTRESS
(Sweetly) My costumes?

GLADYS
Immediately.

GLADYS gathers the SALOME costumes from the rack and exits upstage right toward the dressing room.

ACTRESS
(To LANE, referring to LADY H's exit) Have we degenerated into improvisation?

LANE
Not if I can prevent it.

ACTRESS
I could hear Mamma's histrionics all the way to my dressing room.

LANE
A slight deviation in the narrative.

ACTRESS
(A warning) I abhor melodramatics.

LANE
As well you might.

ACTRESS
Almost as much as I detest spontaneity.

LANE
Nothing for you to worry your pretty head about.

ACTRESS
I intend to file a grievance with Actor's Equity.

LANE
(Nervous about the music) Which violation in particular?

ACTRESS
Production values.

LANE
If you refer to --

ACTRESS
(Pretended innocence) Music?

LANE
There's an perfectly good explanation --

ACTRESS
I am referring to the shabby set --

LANE
(Relieved) Hopefully the moonlight will minimize --

ACTRESS
(Stopping dead in her tracks) No moon.

LANE
But considering what's to transpire here tonight --

ACTRESS
No moon.

LANE
The moon is symbolic.

ACTRESS
(Nicely) No moon.

LANE
It's your show.

ACTRESS
You bet your sweet ass it is.

The ACTRESS exits upstage right to change into her SALOME costume as BILL enters from the scene dock with a pedestal.

BILL
(As he enters) Where do you want this?

LANE
The Holy Perch. Hand it to me. Reverently.

BILL gives the pedestal to LANE and exits to the scene dock.

LANE
(Placing the pedestal) What else is back there?

BILL
(Offstage) Not much. Lanterns... a box of empty bottles... the furniture for Act Two... some kind of a -- ouch! -- hatchet --

LANE
The headsman's axe.

BILL
(Offstage) Sharp S.O.B. (Continuing his inventory) -- croquet mallets... a cannon... the sphinx --

LANE
The summerhouse!

BILL
(Offstage) What's it look like?

LANE
Large...

BILL
(Offstage) No.

LANE
Octagon...

BILL
(Offstage) Nope.

LANE
Overwrought with wicker.

BILL
(Offstage) Not back here.

LANE
We cannot possibly proceed without it.

GLADYS enters downstage left.

GLADYS
You butlers slay me. You take everything so seriously.

LANE
Have you forgotten the importance of the summerhouse? (Indicating the back of the auditorium) It must stand there at the bottom of the garden.

GLADYS
Fake it.

LANE
Misrepresent?

GLADYS
(To BILL, offstage) Bill, what's back there by way of a substitute?

BILL
(Offstage) The box of bottles?

LANE
Keep rummaging.

BILL
(Offstage) Hey, guess what I found?

GLADYS
What?

BILL
(Offstage) The moon.

LANE
No moon.

GLADYS
Yes!

LANE
No.

GLADYS
(To BILL, offstage) Bill, bring it here.

LANE
(To BILL, offstage) William, the lanterns?

GLADYS
(To LANE) I'm very partial to moonlight.

LANE
No whimsy.

GLADYS
I'll keep it out of sight.

BILL enters from the scene dock with a carton of Chinese lanterns which he places on the floor. He exits back to the scene dock for the ladder.

GLADYS
Please, Lane, for me?

LANE
We've been specifically instructed to exclude it.

GLADYS
(Furious) Just you remember one thing: a maid never forgets. Never ever. Not in a thousand years.

Finding the Deviant

SIR HEROD enters from the wings dressed as a dandy of the period.

HEROD
(To LANE, as he enters) Everything is -- ?

GLADYS
(Peeved) Hunky dory.

HEROD
Unfortunately, I must go out.

LANE
(Crossing to the costume rack) Before dinner, milord?

HEROD
A deranged sodomist is running amuck, pillaging the womenfolk.

GLADYS
(Gleefully) A sodomist?

LANE
(Doubtful) The womenfolk?

HEROD
This deviant undid the dignity of my sister. He also sold her some bum goods.

LANE
(Gathering HEROD's cape, cap, and cane) Shouldn't your usual womanizer want to have -- if only as a point of departure -- some interest in women?

HEROD
Who can say with certainty just where sexual misdirection will ultimately lead a chap?

BILL enters with a ladder and begins hanging the lanterns.

GLADYS
(Out for revenge) Suppose, Lane, you were the pervert in question.

HEROD
(Reconstructing the crime) Yes, there you are, loitering in the twilight of the street of no return --

LANE
I stay off the streets.

GLADYS
(Joining in) -- genetically you're unbalanced.

LANE
(Conscious of BILL) Still waiting for the lab report on that.

HEROD
A product of improper toilet training.

LANE
Leave my sainted mother out of this.

GLADYS
A paucity of adequate role models.

LANE
Pseudopsychological hogwash foisted on the gullible public by a Viennese quack with a marked tendency toward misogyny.

HEROD
The moon is full.

LANE
(A throwaway) No moon.

HEROD
(A throwaway) No moon?

GLADYS
(A throwaway) Ain't it a cheat?

HEROD
(To LANE, resuming the reconstruction) You are transfigured by lust.

LANE
Not in recent memory.

GLADYS
Possessed of unbridled passion.

LANE
Perhaps in the privacy of my pantry.

HEROD
In short, you're horny.

LANE
Mildly aroused.

GLADYS
(An evangelist) Moloch has entered unto you.

HEROD
He walks with you --

GLADYS
-- and he talks with you --

HEROD
-- urging you ever onward to your moral martyrdom.

GLADYS
Your carnal comeuppance.

HEROD
Your auto-da-fé.

LADY H
(Suddenly appearing from the wings) Me!

GLADYS
Lady Herodias.

HEROD
Innocently coming the back way through the streets.

LADY H
A vessel of consternation.

GLADYS
(To LANE) Your cup runneth over.

LANE
(Helping HEROD into his cape) Poppycock.

HEROD
It only remains for me to catch the culprit.

LADY H
I'll identify him.

LANE
You didn't see him.

GLADYS
When you've seen one, you've seen 'em all.

LADY H
He'll be charged with perversity! With playing footsy with the wrong feet. With... with mimeography!

LADY H exits stage left.

HEROD
I pity the poor chap his punishment.

LANE
Will it be severe?

HEROD
(With foreboding) Civilized.

GLADYS and LANE shudder at the thought.

HEROD
(Instructing LANE for later, a complete change of tone) Devotions first, I think. Here in the garden --

LANE
The Holy Perch is in place.

HEROD
-- then inside for dinner and (Suggestively) out again for the... er... the...

LANE
(Hopefully) A nice rubber of bridge?

HEROD
Don't be preposterous.

LANE
(Resigned) Ravel.

GLADYS
Digitally remastered.

HEROD
The phonograph record... I want to hold it... feel it... fondle its grooves.

LANE
(Handing HEROD his deerstalkers cap) First things first, milord.

HEROD
(To GLADYS) When my niece does begin to... er...

GLADYS
Trip the light fantastic?

HEROD
You might slip out to the lobby and lock the doors. We wouldn't want the guardians of public morality --

LANE
(Handing HEROD his walking stick) The Vice Squad's been taken care off.

HEROD
(Starting up the aisle through the audience) Should I not return --

GLADYS
-- your understudy's in the bar across the way --

LANE
-- standing by.

HEROD
(From the aisle) I have my sword stick.

SIR HEROD exits through the lobby in pursuit of the sodomist as GLADYS and LANE wave him on his way.

GLADYS
Tallyho.

LANE
(To GLADYS, through gritted teeth) "Suppose, Lane, you were the pervert in question"?

GLADYS
I'll in and finish the dusting.

GLADYS makes a hasty exit stage right.

LANE
(Muttering to himself as he crosses to the costume rack) The wrong music... no summerhouse... a dubious gramophone... fractious fairies making spectacles of themselves on the public thoroughfares... (Reminiscing to BILL, as he puts on his butler's livery)...

BILL
Can I help?

LANE
Sweet of you, William, to offer. Perhaps during the interval. (Calling to the light booth) Gary, kill the worklights and bring up dimmers one... eight... nine... and five... (The light booth complies)... and check the gel on the decapitation special. The severed head's been looking overly lurid. (To BILL) As for us, there is naught we can do but hope. And see to the escargot.

LANE exits behind the house flat taking the costume rack as GLADYS peeks around the stage right flat.

GLADYS
(To BILL) Pssst!?

BILL
Me?

GLADYS
(Still making mischief) Lane did it.

BILL
Did what?

GLADYS
(Entering) Lane is the man with the ink stained hand.

BILL
You mean he's the sodo-whatchamacallit?

GLADYS
He used an alias.

BILL
Lane?

GLADYS
That's also an alias.

BILL
(Uncertain) Naw.

GLADYS
(Blocking him) Thanks to him the entire deus ex machina is in dire jeopardy.

BILL
Figured something was up.

GLADYS
Later tonight Sir Herod will draw Miss Salome aside. She will finger her tassels, he will clear his throat, she will tap her toe...

BILL
(So what) Yeah?

GLADYS
Absolute darkness.

BILL
So?

GLADYS
You try constructing a seduction without moonlight.

BILL
(Shocked) Touching and stuff?

GLADYS
Complete with X-rated choreography.

BILL
This Miss Salome -- ?

GLADYS
-- is being led down the garden path. Minus the atmospheric lighting.

BILL
Somebody should warn her.

GLADYS
(Hinting) Pity this play hasn't a hero.

BILL
I volunteer.

GLADYS
(Pretending surprise) You?

BILL
Why not?

GLADYS
You're only a secondary story line.

BILL
I'll pad my part.

GLADYS
They'll throw you in the summerhouse.

BILL
We didn't put up the summerhouse.

GLADYS
(Indicating the back of the auditorium) The summerhouse is there at the end of the garden where it's always been.

BILL
(Astonished) But how did it... ?

GLADYS
(Pleased with herself) Always remember, Gladys is your friend.

BILL
(Fascinated by the sudden appearance of the summerhouse) If you say so.

GLADYS
Always remember, Lane is not your friend.

BILL
(Confused) But --

GLADYS
What I just confided in you?

BILL
About the damsel in distress?

GLADYS
Mull it over, Galahad.

GLADYS starts to exit upstage right.

BILL
Miss Gladys, ma'am, wait!

BILL makes a hurried exit to the stage left wings to retrieve the moon as a satisfied GLADYS waits.

Miss Salome Surveys

The French doors open revealing MISS SALOME dressed in a high-necked tea gown of pale lace sashed and bowed in pink satin. GLADYS sees her and backs to a nervous exit downstage right. BILL returns from the wings with a rusty moon shaped tray.

BILL
(As he enters) I know how much you wanted this so I --

BILL sees MISS SALOME, stops short, instinctively hiding the tray behind his back.

SALOME
(To the audience as she descends the stairs) I usually enter sidesaddle, riding a giant purple peacock, preceded by a hundred naked Nubians blowing fanfares on long, lovely golden horns. It's very musical.

BILL
(Love at first sight) I'll bet.

SALOME
Direct me to the garden.

BILL
This is it.

SALOME
I don't much care for it.

BILL
(Backing to the ladder) Come back when it's finished. There'll be fancy paper lanterns all over the place, there was even gonna be --

SALOME
Are you he?

BILL
"He" who?

SALOME
The degenerate.

BILL
I'm the footman. Bill. (Reconsidering) William.

SALOME
A degenerate molested Mamma today. Uncle Herod's gone out to catch him.

BILL
You're not supposed to know about that.

SALOME
I do know about it.

BILL
(Hiding the tray in the lantern carton) Figured you must.

SALOME
I know everything.

BILL
Don't be scared.

SALOME
I never am.

BILL
You're safe.

SALOME
Am I?

BILL
I'll protect you.

SALOME
You will?

BILL
(Climbing the ladder) I work here.

SALOME
So you said.

BILL
(Preening) I'm responsible for --

SALOME
Hanging the lanterns.

BILL
(Hanging the lanterns) Among my many other duties.

SALOME
Unskilled labor fascinates me.

BILL
It does?

SALOME
From afar.

BILL
Hanging lanterns is a lot more difficult than it looks.

SALOME
It must be.

BILL
It takes... (Fumbling with a lantern)

SALOME
Manual dexterity?

BILL
Naw, you just have to be good with your... (Dropping a lantern) ...hands.

SALOME
I admire expertise.

BILL
You won't believe this but my mom has a ceramic lamp by her bed that's the spitting image of you. When I was a kid -- before mom met up with my stepdad -- I'd crawl in under the cover with her and if I was a good boy --

SALOME
(Bored) She'd let you touch it?

BILL
(Retrieving the lantern) Yeah.

SALOME
When do we eat?

BILL
After church.

SALOME
Church?

BILL
Devotions.

SALOME
I'm hungry.

BILL
I'll find Lane.

SALOME
You'll do nothing of the sort.

BILL
But, Miss Salome --

SALOME
I am a nameless woman.

BILL
(Impressed) You are?

SALOME
And famished.

BILL
I could sneak down to the kitchen.

SALOME
What's down in the kitchen?

BILL
Food.

SALOME
(Interested) What kind of food?

BILL
I know where they keep the cookies.

SALOME
Forget it.

BILL
I could swipe you a glass of milk.

SALOME
Beef. Pork. Venison.

BILL
They don't feed us that.

SALOME
I wish you were the degenerate.

BILL
You do?

SALOME
(Pointing her finger gun-like at BILL) I'd take a gun and shoot your head off.

BILL
(Envious) You got a gun?

SALOME
I'm a girl. Girls don't play with guns.

BILL
Then you couldn't shoot my head off.

SALOME
Then I'd be at your mercy.

BILL
(A fantasy come true) Just like on TV.

SALOME
You concealed something behind your back.

BILL
(Cautious) I did?

SALOME
When I made my humble entrance.

BILL
Behind my back?

SALOME
And then you slipped it into that carton when you thought I wasn't looking.

BILL
I didn't... I was just...

SALOME
Is it a secret?

BILL
Sort of.

SALOME
Is it a present?

BILL
Yeah. No. I... (Not sure what to say.)

SALOME
For me?

BILL
For Miss Gladys.

SALOME
Never heard of her.

BILL
You know, the one who does the dusting.

SALOME
(Realizing) Just plain Gladys.

BILL
Yeah, her.

SALOME
Gladys isn't permitted presents.

BILL
She isn't?

SALOME
(Hinting) Seems a shame to waste a perfectly good present.

BILL
That's the breaks.

SALOME
I'm partial to presents.

BILL
Who isn't?

SALOME
(About to lose her patience) You have a superfluous gift on your hands, I haven't been the recipient of a gift in who knows how long?

BILL
Give it to you?

SALOME
It's a thought.

BILL
You wouldn't want it.

SALOME
How will I know unless I see it?

BILL
(Retrieving the tray) It's kinda dirty.

SALOME
It's all rusted red.

BILL
(Offering her the tray) I can clean it off.

SALOME
(Hands behind her back) Yuck.

BILL
Maybe a Brillo pad.

SALOME
I don't think I like it.

BILL
It's supposed to be the moon.

SALOME
(Recoiling in horror) Away from me with that. Get rid of it. Now. Dispose of it before it can cause even more damage.

BILL
(Holding the tray like a waiter) But it's only an old tray.

SALOME
Tray?!! You fool! You idiot!! You... you lunatic!!! (Trying to control herself) Will dinner be served from that?

BILL
(Laughing) No. (Less certain) No.

SALOME
(Sweetly) Then throw the... (About to say moon) ... "tray" away.

BILL
But --

SALOME
I, Salome, order it.

BILL
You --

SALOME
I lost my namelessness.

BILL hesitates, then throws the tray into the wings.

SALOME
The whole garden is improved.

BILL
It is?

SALOME
I like you.

BILL
You do?

SALOME
Are all Americans handsome?

BILL
Most.

SALOME
Which tribe are you?

BILL
Tribe? (Laughing) Oh... "tribe"... no, see --

SALOME
When did you say dinner would be?

BILL
I didn't.

SALOME
Are all Americans retarded?

BILL
I --

SALOME
You're not. You're wonderful.

BILL
(Confused) I --

SALOME
And you like me, don't you?

BILL
I'm not so sure.

SALOME
Are you trifling with me? Am I some toy for you to play with and then dispose of like you did with the... (Catching herself) ... like Uncle Herod did with poor Mamma?

BILL
I guess I like you.

SALOME
You "guess"?

BILL
You shouldn't be here.

SALOME
Says who?

BILL
Any minute now it all starts to thicken.

SALOME
The plot?

BILL
You said it, sister.

SALOME
What's the denouement?

BILL
Say what?

SALOME
Who's the victim?

BILL
You.

SALOME
Me?

BILL
Afraid so.

SALOME
Whatever will I do?

BILL
Hide.

SALOME
Where?

BILL
(Indicating the wings) Over there... the scene dock --

SALOME
And miss dinner?

BILL
They're conspiring to commit...

SALOME
What?

BILL
(Having difficulty with the word) Love.

SALOME
In the vernacular?

BILL
Nah, here in the garden.

SALOME
And all the time I was under the impression it was only dinner with maybe a drink or two after.

BILL
We can escape.

SALOME
To America?

BILL
Mom'll love you.

SALOME
I intend to report you.

BILL
Report me?

SALOME
To Uncle Herod. For speaking to me.

BILL
You talked to me first.

SALOME
Prove it.

BILL
You like me.

SALOME
Fat chance.

BILL
But you said --

SALOME
I also intend to report your larceny.

BILL
Larceny?

SALOME
You attempted to pawn off on me a glass of burgled milk.

BILL
You're nuts.

SALOME
I also intend to report your vandalism. You deliberately destroyed property belonging to the house of Herod.

BILL
I did not.

SALOME
Willfully did you discard of a precious Mesopotamian tray, middle period, one of a matched pair.

BILL
You ordered it.

SALOME
Unlikely.

BILL
It wasn't precious.

SALOME
Irreplaceable.

BILL
It was all rusted red.

SALOME
Terra cotta.

BILL
I'll go find it.

SALOME
You have not been dismissed.

BILL
You didn't mean what you said.

SALOME
What did I say?

BILL
About --

SALOME
Liking you?

BILL
Yeah.

SALOME
Dare you say I didn't mean it. I like you. I like all footmen. And I am grateful you warned me. Although you were mistaken. Never was the victim meant to be me.

The lights fade as MISS SALOME exits through the French doors.

Act Two

Devotions

The lanterns are hung, the Holy Perch is strung with garlands, the fake phono sits on a pedestal. A white wicker table waits off to the side.

Down the aisle comes a religious procession. MISS SALOME leads, scattering purple flower petals. She has replaced her pink sash with one of blood red. GLADYS follows, clanging diminutive cymbals. She now wears a frilly apronette and frou-frou. Next comes LANE, coped in the ritual robes of a high priest of Moloch. He wears a mask depicting the more vicious visage of the God. BILL follows, sheltering LANE with the Holy Umbrella. He wears an alter boy's surplice over his Levi's. Last is LADY HERODIAS, mater dolorosa, rosary clenched in her folded hands. She has changed into a scarlet evening dress of decadent décolletage.

LANE
(As they come down the aisle) Blessed be Moloch.

THE OTHERS
Blessed be Moloch.

LANE
Blessed be Bush the Belligerent.

THE OTHERS
Scourge of Saddam Hussein!

LANE
Blessed be Big Barbara.

THE OTHERS
Mother of Bionics.

LANE
Blessed be their begotten son.

THE OTHERS
Little Georgie.

LANE
Defender of the Profit Motive.

THE OTHERS
Avenging sword of the oil cartels!

LANE
Blessed be the Holy Ghost of the National Rifle Association.

THE OTHERS
Bang, bang.

The procession reaches the stage. LANE officiates in front of the Holy Perch. The others prostate themselves each according to his or her faith.

LANE
Mighty Moloch of repression --

As LANE intones, the others repeat.

LANE
Deliver us from objectivity. Deliver us from self-analysis. Deliver us from secular humanism. Deliver us from retroactive abortion. Deliver the disciples of abortion unto capital punishment.

THE OTHERS
For such is the right to life.

LANE
Protect and defend family values.

GLADYS
(With evangelical fervor) Praised be the missionary position!

LANE
Protect and defend us from marauding mimeographers.

LADY H
Drive some nails in that closet door!

LANE
Protect and defend Thy man children. Make them strong of limb, red of blood, with narrow waists and broad shoulders and tattoos of panthers running up and down their hairy forearms --

GLADYS
(Trying to restrain him) Er... Lane... ?

LANE
(Unheeding) -- endow them with bountiful genitalia straining the seams of their sweat-stained athletic supporters --

LADY H
Lane.

LANE
(Coming out of his rapture) What? Oh... yes... sorry... (Perfunctorily) ... as for girls, make them submissive, feminine and good homemakers.

SALOME
(Under her breath) For Christ's sake.

LANE
For Thine is the kingdom --

GLADYS
-- and the power --

LANE
-- and the glory.

LADY H
(Flagellating herself with her rosary) Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

They start to rise.

LANE
And --

They return to their knees.

LANE
-- omnipotent Moloch, protect and defend Sir Herod, K.C.B., who has yet to return from the darkness of Thy night and the uncertainty of Thy streets.

They rise. LANE places the mask of Moloch on the Holy Perch.

Setting the Table

SALOME
When do we eat?

LADY H
With Herod lost, gone, never to return?

GLADYS
Sure puts a crimp in the climax.

LANE
Gladys, away to the greenhouse.

LADY H
(To GLADYS) Pick a brave bouquet.

GLADYS exits upstage left behind the house.

BILL
(Shedding the surplice) Shouldn't we call the cops?

LADY H
And disturb their slumber?

LANE
(To BILL) The garden chairs?

BILL exits downstage right.

SALOME
I'm going in.

LADY H
You'll stay put until dinner is served.

LANE
(Formally) Dinner is served.

LADY H
Perhaps that's for the best.

LADY HERODIAS and MISS SALOME exit through the French doors as GLADYS enters from upstage left with a bouquet of exaggerated flowers.

GLADYS
(As she enters) If there was any money in the family, I'd say the old boy absconded.

LANE
(Placing the table stage center) Unless he actually apprehended the miscreant --

GLADYS
-- and they're hot at it in a motel somewhere.

SIR HEROD enters down the aisle, his costume disheveled, his swordstick bent.

HEROD
(In the aisle) Have I missed devotions?

GLADYS
Milord, you're safe.

HEROD
(Climbing onto the stage) Barely.

LANE
You caught the culprit?

HEROD
I caught someone.

GLADYS
You're not positive if it's the deviant in question?

HEROD
It was getting dark, I had to take what I could find.

BILL enters downstage right with two wicker garden chairs.

LANE
He confessed?

HEROD
Poor chap, he didn't seem to know what was happening to him.

GLADYS
I'll off to the ladies with the glad tidings.

GLADYS exits through the French doors.

HEROD
(To LANE) They're already at the table?

LANE
(Arranging the flowers in a vase) They're already in the aspic.

HEROD
(Starting for the French doors) Keep an eye on the summerhouse.

LANE
You locked him in there?

HEROD
You might see that he has fresh water.

SIR HEROD exits through the French doors.

LANE
(As a cue) Now it all begins.

BILL
(Putting an 18th-century livery coat over his T-shirt) I don't understand.

LANE
You're not expected to. (Repeating the cue) Now it all begins.

BILL
He caught the wrong man?

LANE
It is never the wrong man. (Repeating the cue) Now it all begins.

GLADYS enters from downstage left, a champagne glass in hand.

GLADYS
(Referring to the flowers) What lovely expositions and how nicely you are arranging them.

LANE
You missed your cue.

GLADYS
(Giving the glass to LANE) Here's the first champagne glass.

GLADYS exits downstage right.

LANE
(Calling after GLADYS) One glass? Surely you're not planning to bring them on one at a time.

BILL
Lane is your real name, isn't it?

LANE
Whatever do you mean?

BILL
It isn't an alias, is it?

LANE
William, have you been smoking the flora?

BILL
(Attaching a lace jabot around his neck) I'm getting mighty suspicious.

LANE
(Referring to GLADYS) As am I.

BILL
(TV tough guy) You and me, we need to talk.

LANE
And we shall. Later.

BILL
Man to man.

LANE
Absolutely.

BILL
Now.

LANE
You do pick the most inconvenient times.

GLADYS enters from downstage left, a second champagne glass in hand.

GLADYS
(Giving the glass to LANE) Here is the second champagne glass.

GLADYS exits downstage right.

LANE
(Calling after GLADYS) Stop making entrances if you're not intending to play the scene.

BILL
(To LANE) There's something fishy going on around here.

LANE
Only the caviar.

BILL
Look, pal, let's lay our cards on the table.

LANE
You first.

BILL
I'm onto you.

LANE
Are you?

BILL
I know all about the whole conspiracy.

LANE
(Alarmed) Which conspiracy in particular?

BILL
The garden path... the missing moonlight... the distressed damsel --

LANE
(Calling offstage right) Gladys, get out here!

BILL
I figured it out all by myself.

LANE
Cunning of you.

BILL
When I took this job, I didn't know I'd be implicated in a... in a...

LANE
Love scene?

BILL
If the folks back home find out... well, it'd kill mom.

LANE
It's not your love scene.

BILL
There's guilt by association.

LANE
Nobody invited you to associate.

BILL
I can't just stand by and watch it happen.

LANE
(An attempt at damage control) Trust me, William, tonight --

GLADYS enters from downstage left, a third champagne glass in hand.

GLADYS
(As she enters) -- is fraught with significance. Farce fencing force over tea, tragedy triumphantly tripping through the petit fours, life leaping over the Christopher Wren balustrade, cucumber sandwich in hand. (To the audience) This moment of purple prose was brought to you by Exxon in hopes that a nice smear of culture will keep your mind off the mess they're making of the environment.

LANE
What have you been telling William?

GLADYS
(Giving the glass to LANE) Here is the third and final champagne glass.

GLADYS exits downstage right.

LANE
(Calling after GLADYS) Gladys?! (To BILL, fearing the worst) This "conspiracy theory" of yours, has it had wide circulation?

BILL
Miss Salome, but only to warn her.

LANE
"Warn her?"

BILL
She was to be the victim.

LANE
"Was to be?"

LADY HERODIAS enters through the French doors, napkin and fork in hand.

LADY H
I slipped away from the table unnoticed.

LANE
There's a revolt brewing among the footmen.

LADY H
Squelch it. The film -- ?

LANE
(Handing the red-feathered fan to LADY H) -- is in the camera.

LADY H
(Pleased) And the camera is hidden in the handle of the fan! How fortunate for us you've had such wide experience with blackmail.

LANE
(Conscious of BILL) Milady --

LADY H
When my cad of a brother debauches my diffident daughter, we document the whole unsavory episode with my handy Instamatic, and you and I are set for life.

BILL
Blackmail?

LADY H
Faithful family retainers and faded females of fashion must fend for themselves as best as they can.

LADY HERODIAS exits through the French doors.

BILL
(Disgusted) Her own daughter.

LANE
You're to stay out of this.

GLADYS enters downstage left with a small silver tray on which are bags that look as if they might contain tea.

GLADYS
(Giving the tray to LANE) Here are the champagne bags.

LANE
(As he exits offstage right) Pity, she was a great maid in her day.

BILL
(Impressed) You were in show business?

GLADYS
(Including the audience) If only you could have been there for my debut. Oh, I'd had some experience... a bit of dusting in Act One, answering the phone in Act Two... but this was my first big break... my first big formal sit-down dinner. There were many, many courses, but the entrance was soup. Back in the wings I stood, soup in hand. Pea soup in hand. Split pea soup in hand. I tried to concentrate. To prepare. What is soup? What is the essence of soup? What are the social implications? What would Stanislavski say? I tried to recall my earliest encounter with soup. Soup du jour. Soup kitchens. Mother's soup. This soup, here, now, in the tureen I saw before me. How did I feel about this soup? How did this soup feel about me? I stepped out into the golden, fervent light. I paused. I took one step... my thoughts racing back... another step... back to years of study... another step... hard years... step... sad years... step... making the rounds... step... parts I never got... step... dinners I never served... step... years that brought me here... step... tonight... step... would they like me... step... would they understand... step... would I ever get there... step... once I got there... step... would they like the soup? I put the soup on the table. Next day I came down with hepatitis and had to leave the show.

GLADYS exits downstage right almost colliding with LANE who enters carrying a champagne bucket in a stand.

BILL
(To LANE) What happened to theatre?

LANE
Died, in your country, from overeating.

GLADYS
(Popping her head out from the downstage right wings) Something tingling with excitement is about to take place.

LANE
(Taking his position by the French doors) William, to your post.

BILL
Here's the plan. I need a helicopter, a fast car -- the kind that converts into a speed boat, some plastic explosives, an Uzi, a cigarette lighter that is really a top secret anti-satellite device. You cause a diversion, I grab the girl, we make a run for it.

LANE
You'll do nothing of the sort.

BILL
But --

LANE
To your post.

BILL reluctantly takes his position.

LANE
(Announcing) The honorable Miss Salome.

The Chinese lanterns flare, the French doors fling open, MISS SALOME stands in the doorway.

After-Dinner Mints

SALOME
Not a very good dinner, no potatoes.

BILL
You're in danger.

SALOME
Lane, restrain your minion.

LANE
(To BILL, warning) William.

SALOME
How dark it is tonight.

LANE
You gave specific instructions --

SALOME
Let's get cracking around here. Let us commence the festivities. Let there be music!

BILL
No!

SALOME
Lane, I asked for music.

LANE
I... er... your Mamma... we --

SALOME
The footman's right. We want quietude. Save the violins for later.

LANE
(Under his breath) Not to mention the snare drums.

SALOME
Why is the door to the summerhouse locked?

LANE
Is it, miss? I hadn't noticed.

SALOME
I have every confidence in you, Lane.

LANE
I have even greater confidence in you.

SALOME
That's something a footman can't be expected to understand.

BILL
You gotta listen to me --

SALOME
Can you see me?

BILL
(Unsure) Yes.

SALOME
What do you see?

BILL
What should I see?

SALOME
An innocent lamb being led to slaughter?

BILL
Yeah!

SALOME
Never again are you to see me as mutton. Lamb is mutton. To be served. I am not a lamb. I am not a sea gull. I am not a wild duck. Nor the Christmas goose. I am none of those symbolic animals. I am a little girl. A shy little girl. Unworldly, undemanding, desperately in need of a drink.

LANE
The water is icing.

SALOME
That hardly satisfies my thirst.

As LANE starts for the bell pull, GLADYS enters downstage left with a pitcher of ice water.

GLADYS
You rang?

LANE
(Taking the pitcher from GLADYS) I would have.

GLADYS exits downstage right. During the following speech, LANE fills a champagne glass with water.

SALOME
Why must everyone complicate everything? Mamma and "Uncle" Herod sit in there all hunched over the Queen Anne table, puffing on their panatelas, scribbling figures and percentages and prorates on the damask and haggling, haggling, haggling. Do they care about me? Do they consider my feelings? They toss and throw me back and forth like dice.

LANE brings the glass and a champagne bag to MISS SALOME.

SALOME
(Reading the tag on the champagne bag) A good year. A very good year. Disappointing country. (Dunking the champagne bag in the glass of water) Why is it so difficult to find a good year and a decent country in the same bag? I recall... was it Rome? Carthage? No, that odd island in the Aegean where those martial ladies kept that athletic girls school -- he's locked in the summerhouse, isn't he?

LANE
Who, miss?

SALOME
Don't dissemble.

LANE
The prophet?

SALOME
Prophet?

LANE
Meant to say prisoner.

SALOME
Pervert.

LANE
Has that been proven?

SALOME
The "alleged" pervert. Mamma's friend. The guy with the leaflets... locked in the summerhouse.

LANE
I wouldn't know.

SALOME
You would know.

LANE
Drink your wine.

SALOME
(To LANE) Let him out.

LANE
(To SALOME) Impossible.

BILL
(To LANE) Forget the fast car --

SALOME
(To LANE) Liberate the libertine.

BILL
(To LANE) -- a bicycle will do.

LANE
Might we return to the plot at hand?

SALOME
Let him out.

LANE
No.

SALOME
Release him.

LANE
Impossible.

BILL
Miss Salome, please, no --

SALOME
Let the misogynist out!

BILL
For your protection --

SALOME
(Laughing) My protection?

LANE
-- his protection, then.

BILL
He's dangerous.

SALOME
(To BILL) Surely you can protect me from a sissy. (To LANE) Are you making me wait? I don't like to wait. When I wait, I become bored... when I become bored, I tend to look less than ravishing... Lane, I am not looking pretty. I'm very insecure, Lane. When I have reason to doubt my allure, I become nasty. Very nasty.

GLADYS
Maids never open doors, so don't ask me.

SALOME
What do you mean maids never open doors?

GLADYS
It's an Equity rule.

SALOME
Any hand that dusts a table can open the door to the summerhouse.

GLADYS
Shows how much you know.

SALOME
Your fingers itch for that handle.

GLADYS hides her hands behind her.

SALOME
You're simply pagan with door-opening tendencies.

GLADYS
No!

SALOME
Solidarity, sister, sorority.

GLADYS
Unfair!

SALOME
As one woman to another --

GLADYS
Never!

LANE
Brava, Gladys.

GLADYS
I almost weakened. I don't often get included in the female gender.

GLADYS exits USR.

SALOME
Bill?

LANE
(Warning) William --

SALOME
Brave Bill.

BILL
No way.

SALOME
Manly Bill. Tomorrow, at high tea, when I make my humble entrance, walking, without the benefit of naked trumpeters, I shall smile. That smile, Bill... blue-eyed, blonding Bill... shall be for you.

BILL
I won't open that door.

SALOME
I might even drop my glove.

BILL
(Weakening) Your glove?

SALOME
You can retrieve it for me.

BILL
(To LANE) Her glove?

SALOME
My white, right glove.

LANE
(Warning) William --

SALOME
Both gloves!

BILL
I can keep them?

SALOME
You may do with them as you please. Whatever you please. Wherever you please. With whatever pleases you.

LANE
And you'll grow hair on the palm of your hand.

SALOME
Butt out, Lane.

BILL
Both gloves?

SALOME
And one stocking.

BILL jumps from the stage, hurries up the aisle to the summerhouse.

LANE
(To BILL) No, stay away from that door!

SALOME
(To LANE) You may leave us.

LANE
You wish.

SALOME
Ten minutes alone with him.

LANE
I'd rather watch.

SALOME
A voyeur.

LANE
An innocent bystander.

SALOME
Five minutes. I'll make it worth your while.

LANE
The other stocking?

The Prisoner

BILL leads the PRISONER down the aisle. The PRISONER's hands are bound behind him with rawhide, his shirt is torn. He is an attractive, personable, contemporary gay male, dressed for Saturday night on West Street.

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) Hello... come up here... pay no mind to the functionaries...

The PRISONER and BILL are on the stage.

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) ...watch your step... here... come... sit down. (To BILL) Thank you, William, that will be all. (To the PRISONER) Hello.

PRISONER
Where am I?

SALOME
Sit down.

PRISONER
I'll stand.

SALOME
You'll sit.

PRISONER
What's going on here?

SALOME
You must be shaky.

PRISONER
Why are my hands tied?

SALOME
You look shaky.

PRISONER
What the fuck's going on here?

BILL
Watch your language!

SALOME
Your hands are trembling. Is the rawhide too tight?

PRISONER
Is this some kind of a game?

SALOME
Game?

PRISONER
A fantasy trip with me as the sex object?

SALOME
You want to play games? (To LANE) Set up the hoops. (To the PRISONER) I challenge you to croquet.

PRISONER
Unreal.

SALOME
Would you prefer badminton?

PRISONER
Is this a garden?

SALOME
Are you a horticulturist?

PRISONER
This must be a dream.

SALOME
Are you asleep?

PRISONER
Or a bad trip. Sure, that's it! You're one 'lude too many.

SALOME
Are you an addict?

PRISONER
Not after this.

SALOME
Already I've influenced your rehabilitation.

PRISONER
This is a stage, isn't it?

SALOME
Are you an actor?

PRISONER
I seem to be under arrest.

SALOME
What did you do?

PRISONER
I'm innocent.

SALOME
Of what?

PRISONER
How should I know?

SALOME
You don't know why you're here?

PRISONER
I don't know where I am.

SALOME
Will that be your defense?

PRISONER
Then this is a jail?

SALOME
Did you do it?

PRISONER
No, I did not.

SALOME
What didn't you do?

PRISONER
I was innocently walking along West Street --

SALOME
I thought you people called it cruising.

PRISONER
Right... it's funny... I'm laughing... (To LANE) ...Is there a telephone here?

SALOME
I said sit down. No? Stand, do precisely as you please. Should you wish to sit down, these are chairs. Lane, function, give our guest some champagne.

PRISONER
No thanks.

BILL
(To SALOME) Want me to put him away now?

SALOME
Fine, don't have champagne. (To LANE) I'll have some, he can share from my glass.

LANE takes glass, refills it.

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) My name's Salome.

PRISONER
(To LANE) I asked to use a telephone.

SALOME
And you?

PRISONER
Me what?

SALOME
Your name.

PRISONER
(To BILL) Where's the phone?

BILL
Come near me, I'll bust you in the face!

SALOME
Are you a phone freak?

PRISONER
I'm allowed one phone call.

SALOME
Why won't you tell me your name?

PRISONER
(To BILL) Untie me.

BILL
No.

PRISONER
Why not?

BILL
You're a prisoner.

PRISONER
Am I? It seems I am. I'm not sure I know what kind of jail this is.

SALOME
You've had experience with incarceration?

PRISONER
Only on pig night at the Lure.

SALOME
If I loosen your bondage, will you tell me your name?

PRISONER
Try it and find out.

SALOME
(Untying him) Our only interest is making you comfortable.

PRISONER
(To LANE) What are you supposed to be? The butler?

LANE
On occasion.

PRISONER
I've seen you somewhere before.

LANE
(Uncomfortable) It's hardly likely.

PRISONER
Sure... some piss elegant bar on the Upper East Side --

LANE
You're mistaken.

PRISONER
(To LANE) Ah... yes... I understand.

LANE
I would prefer you didn't.

PRISONER
(To BILL) What are you supposed to be?

BILL
I warned you once.

PRISONER
I'm only being friendly.

BILL
I know what you are.

PRISONER
You're not enjoying this as much as she is.

BILL
You ready to go back now?

PRISONER
(To BILL) Want to tell me what this is all about?

SALOME
Are you ignoring me?

PRISONER
I'm talking to him.

SALOME
You're talking to me.

PRISONER
(To BILL) They won't let you talk?

SALOME
He can talk. Talk William.

PRISONER
William? Bill? Which do you prefer?

LANE
He seems to have nothing to say.

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) And your name?

PRISONER
Any name will do.

SALOME
Are you ashamed of your name?

PRISONER
(To LANE) You seem to be the power behind the throne here --

LANE
Don't include me in this.

PRISONER
It may be too late.

LANE
For you.

PRISONER
We're in this together.

LANE
How naïve.

PRISONER
Each man for himself?

BILL
(With contempt) Ha!

PRISONER
(To BILL) What name would you like me to have?

SALOME
Name yourself!

PRISONER
I am Lokanaan. (Optional substitute: John the Baptist)

SALOME
Don't be irreligious.

PRISONER
Alexander the Great?

SALOME
Don't be pretentious.

PRISONER
Achilles.

SALOME
Such self-delusions.

PRISONER
Antinous?

SALOME
You aren't cute enough.

PRISONER
Richard the --

SALOME
Wasn't lion-hearted in the least. He was a sniveling little --

PRISONER
Socrates.

SALOME
Are you going to trot them all out? Michelangelo? Marlowe? Bacon? Shakespeare?

LANE
How about Horatio Alger?

PRISONER
How about George Washington?

BILL
Watch it!

PRISONER
Sorry, Bill.

SALOME
You're not shocking me.

PRISONER
(To LANE) I'll have that drink now.

SALOME
Lane, champagne.

PRISONER
I'd rather have a beer.

LANE
Budweiser?

PRISONER
Sure.

SALOME
We still haven't settled on your name.

PRISONER
Alfred Taylor.

SALOME
Is that your real name?

PRISONER
No, but it'll do.

LANE brings the wine bucket and stand to the table, removes a can of Bud, serves it to the PRISONER without a glass.

SALOME
I don't like it.

PRISONER
Sorry.

SALOME
I shall call you Bruce.

PRISONER
(To LANE) I want out of here.

SALOME
So you can hurry back to the old G.D.F.?

PRISONER
Fifth amendment.

SALOME
You know Mamma. You met her on the street today.

PRISONER
I stay off the streets.

SALOME
I thought you were innocently walking along West Street --

PRISONER
Nope.

SALOME
Because you were cruising and you aren't innocent. Oh, you didn't do anything to Mamma, nobody ever does anymore. Maybe you gave her a leaflet. But you are in no way innocent.

PRISONER
Certain of that?

SALOME
I know one when I see one.

PRISONER
One what?

SALOME
What you are.

PRISONER
What am I?

SALOME
I don't blame you for being ashamed of it.

PRISONER
I'm not.

SALOME
Humiliated?

PRISONER
No.

SALOME
You disgust decent people.

PRISONER
No more than they disgust me.

SALOME
Who do you think you are?! (To LANE) Lane, tell Bruce the story about the pederast and --

PRISONER
(Wearily) -- the Boy Scout?

LANE
(To SALOME) I don't think he's interested.

SALOME
Tell him!

LANE
To earn his merit badge for fishing, the Boy Scout went hiking backwards through the bus station with his fly unbuttoned --

PRISONER
(with pained patience) -- trolling for queers.

LANE
(To SALOME) He may have already heard it.

SALOME
(Enjoying the PRISONER's discomfort) Then tell him the one about the fluff who fell in love with the handsome doctor --

PRISONER
(His patience strained) -- who specialized in disorders of the alimentary canal.

LANE
(To SALOME) I'd really rather not.

SALOME
Lane?

LANE
This is hardly the place or time --

SALOME
Tell him!

LANE
(Not comfortable) The fluff flitted into the surgery of the handsome doctor complaining of a blockage. The doctor extended his arm some distance up the orifice in question where indeed he did encounter an impediment, which the doctor extracted, which, to his amazement, was one dozen long-stemmed red roses, to which the fluff said --

PRISONER
(With carefully constrained rage) "Read the card."

BILL
I don't get it! Was something written on the card?

PRISONER
(Referring to LANE) Have him explain it to you.

SALOME
I'll bet you'd love to get your hands on my coiffure.

PRISONER
No.

SALOME
Want to decorate my apartment?

PRISONER
No.

SALOME
Want to wear one of my dresses?

PRISONER
I doubt it'll fit.

SALOME
Lane, put some Bette Midler on the boom box. (Update accordingly.)

PRISONER
Enjoying yourself?

SALOME
You and I seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot. You were innocently cruising... excuse me... walking along West Street --

PRISONER
I was at home.

SALOME
Whose home?

PRISONER
In bed.

SALOME
With whom?

PRISONER
Alone.

SALOME
You people live such lonely lives, don't you? No, forget I said that. I don't know what makes me say things like that. I'm not spiteful by nature. (To the audience) Really, I'm not. (To the PRISONER) You were at home, alone, in bed --

PRISONER
You got it.

SALOME
You lie! Herod would never take you in your own home.

PRISONER
He didn't even knock.

BILL
He should have kicked your door in!

PRISONER
He did!

BILL
Good for him!

PRISONER
I was beaten.

SALOME
With what?

BILL
A baseball bat?!

PRISONER
A golf club.

SALOME
Herod wouldn't hurt a fly.

PRISONER
He hurt me.

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) Did you bleed?

PRISONER
Yes.

SALOME
Badly?

PRISONER
Yes.

SALOME
I don't see any blood.

PRISONER
They cleaned me up.

LANE
They cleaned you up?

PRISONER
When they found out I was coming up here.

LANE
People only get hurt when they deserve it.

PRISONER
Is that so?

LANE
No one ever clubbed me.

PRISONER
Yet.

LANE
Are you threatening me?

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) No wonder you get hurt.

PRISONER
(To BILL) Bill, I don't know how you got mixed up in whatever is going on up here. I don't know how I got mixed up in it. I seem to be staying around for a while. You should get your ass out of here.

BILL
My ass ain't any of your business.

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) Why are you so hostile to me?

PRISONER
I'm not.

SALOME
You should be guilt-ridden. Your very existence is a denial of my femininity.

PRISONER
(To BILL) Look, Bill, I like you --

BILL
You what?!

SALOME
He "likes" you.

BILL
(To the PRISONER) Take that back! (Making a fist) I mean it, fruit!

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) William seems to be rejecting you.

BILL
(To the PRISONER) Come on, fight like a man.

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) Fight like a man, Bruce.

PRISONER
(To BILL) No.

BILL
You shouldn't say stuff like that, people will get the wrong idea.

PRISONER
Let them.

BILL
(To SALOME) Please, Miss Salome, I did nothing to lead him on.

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) You're proud of what you are, aren't you?

PRISONER
Why not?

LANE
He's probably had his consciousness lifted.

PRISONER
(Correcting) "Raised"...

LANE
(To SALOME, referring to the PRISONER) He's probably above compromise.

SALOME
How selfish.

LANE
It's even likely he's dedicated to his own pleasure.

SALOME
Unnatural.

LANE
He fancies himself better than the rest of us.

SALOME
The rest of whom?

LANE
Those of us who prefer the cool, clean, dark air of the closet.

PRISONER
Mothballs and mushrooms.

LANE
I'd rather be standing here, safe and secure in my Gucci's, than stomping around in your boots on a collision with calamity.

SALOME
Closets? What has this to do with closets?

PRISONER
Everything.

LANE
Friend -- may I call you friend? Like it or not, maybe we do have a lot in common. We have even more that is not in common. You're committed; I've never found commitment pays my bill at Bloomingdale's. You're an activist; I go to the Opera. You're involved; I rely on opiates.

SALOME
Drugs?

PRISONER
Whatever turns you on.

LANE
Which is to say, whatever turns you off. Personally, I prefer Dewar's.

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) Stop and consider the harm you do. Sodom and Gomorrah burned to the ground thanks to you. You and your ilk pushed the Roman Empire over the brink. I've even been told that buggery is the cause of earthquakes.

PRISONER
Why not throw in gasoline prices?

SALOME
I am concerned for your soul. I offer myself to you as the receptacle of your repentance, the repository of your repudiation --

PRISONER
Fine. I repudiate, I repent, now put me back.

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) Repent what?

PRISONER
Whatever you say.

SALOME
Word of honor?

PRISONER
You allow me honor?

LANE
You should be guilt-ridden.

SALOME
And self-hating.

LANE
(Sweetly) And self-destructive.

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) What kind of a life do you have?

PRISONER
A life.

SALOME
A life? Is that all?

PRISONER
It's the best place to begin.

SALOME
Without so much as a "pardon my dust"?

PRISONER
What kind of a life do you have?

SALOME
You think I didn't notice your hair.

PRISONER
What about it?

SALOME
It's long.

PRISONER
(Laughing) It is not.

SALOME
It isn't a crew cut.

PRISONER
It's my hair.

SALOME
You're free to wear your hair that way.

PRISONER
How liberal of you.

SALOME
I'm free to find it repugnant.

BILL
Me too.

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) Don't get me wrong, I like you.

BILL
You what?!

LANE
She likes him.

BILL
But... !

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) I said I like you.

PRISONER
(To BILL) Put me back in the summerhouse.

SALOME
Lane says you're a prophet.

LANE
Slip of the tongue.

BILL
(To SALOME) You don't like him, you like me!

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) Give me a prophesy.

PRISONER
(To BILL) You took me out, put me back.

SALOME
I can see you now, standing in some dark bar somewhere on the waterfront, absolutely convinced you know who you are. Well you don't know who you are. Not until I decide to tell you who you are. I define you. And you're not special at all. Or you won't be, not when I cut your hair --

LANE
(Blocking her) Wrong play, Miss Salome.

SALOME
(To BILL) William... Bill... in the drawing room... my sewing kit... the scissors...

LANE
(Restraining SALOME). No!

SALOME
(Struggling to free herself, to BILL) ...there on the table... the butter knife... give me that knife!... (To LANE) ...unhand me!

BILL takes a butter knife from the garden table.

LANE
(Shaking SALOME) Cool it, Delilah!

SALOME
(Dazed) I... I..?

LANE
Remember who you are!

SALOME
But...

LANE
Where you are!

SALOME
(Looking around her) Where... who... ?

LANE
You've got the wrong climax going for you.

SALOME
Where are we?

LANE
Not among the Philistines.

LADY H and HEROD enter laughing through the French doors USC.

HEROD
Salome, my dear child --

LADY H
-- It's all been settled!

HEROD
The contract has been signed --

LADY H
(To SALOME) -- You get everything!

SALOME
It has not been settled. Mamma, Herod, go back inside and wait.

HEROD
But --

LADY H
(To the PRISONER) Oh... Hello, there... we meet again.

SALOME
(To HEROD and LADY H) I'm not kidding. Go back offstage and wait.

LADY H and HEROD exit confused through the French doors USC.

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) Now, sir, come to me.

BILL
No!

SALOME
Yes.

PRISONER
Why?

SALOME
I am your lover.

BILL
No, Miss Salome, me!

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) Look at me!

BILL
Don't fight it, it's you and me.

SALOME
You're the footman.

BILL
I'll go to business school.

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) Sir, as I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted --

BILL
Without you, I'll... I'll...

SALOME
What? Without me you'll what?

BILL
Die.

SALOME
(Laughing) Silly boy.

LANE
William, don't be a fool!

BILL
I will!

SALOME
Prove it.

BILL
Die?

LANE
I think not.

SALOME
He offered.

PRISONER
(To BILL) Don't let her manipulate you.

SALOME
It seems his offer was not in good faith.

BILL
(Butter knife in hand) I will.

PRISONER
(To LANE) Hadn't you better disarm him?

LANE
Interfere?

BILL
When it's too late, when I'm lying dead on the floor, then you'll appreciate me.

SALOME
Maybe. Maybe not. (To the PRISONER, unbuttoning her bodice) In years to come, when you talk of this, and you will, be kind.

PRISONER
Bill, give me that knife.

BILL
(To SALOME) Look at me!

LANE
(Nervous) William, you'd best leave the theatrics to your elders.

BILL
Look!

To his own surprise, BILL stabs himself.

LANE
William!

SALOME
Now what have you done?!

BILL
Stabbed myself.

LANE
(Scandalized) In the garden?

SALOME
For me?

BILL
For... for... (He collapses.)

LANE
(Catching BILL, cradling him) William?

PRISONER
Quick, open his shirt!

SALOME
Are you a doctor?

PRISONER
No, but --

SALOME
Then stay out of this --

BILL
(Weakly) I... You...

SALOME
I what?

BILL
You didn't mean it. (BILL dies.)

PRISONER
(To LANE) Let me help you.

LANE
(Bitterly) Haven't you done enough?

PRISONER
You set the stage.

SALOME
(To LANE) Is he?

LANE
Yes.

GLADYS enters DSL with a broom and dust pan.

PRISONER
(The game is over) Dead?

GLADYS
(As she enters) You rang?

SALOME
I dropped one of my props.

LANE
And it broke.

SALOME
(Advancing on the PRISONER) You, Mr. No-name, you should know the poem even better than I... (She quotes) ..."But I am love --"

PRISONER
(Backing away from SALOME in disgust) Love? (He starts back toward the summerhouse.)

SALOME
(Quoting) "-- and I was wont to be alone in this fair garden." Say it with me! "I am true love I fill the hearts of boys and girls with mutual flame."

In her advance on the PRISONER, MISS SALOME daintily steps over the body of BILL.

GLADYS
(To SALOME) Your skirt's trailing in the blood.

SALOME
(To the PRISONER) You're so proud of it, say it with me. "-- then sighing, said the other." You know the words.

PRISONER
(Starting up the aisle) "-- then sighing, said the other, 'have thy will, I am the love that dare not speak its name.'"

The PRISONER has gone back to the summerhouse.

SALOME
My hand, sir, take it. Look into my eyes. There is a planetarium in my eyes. I've most of the big dipper in my left eye; in my right eye, you have a good go at the morning star. Keep out of that summerhouse! You locked the door, didn't you? I heard the click. Do you want me to come back there and break that door down? You like that, don't you -- breaking down doors. Come out. Come out come out come out. We'll have a party to welcome you. Waltzing does a lot for the soul. One, two, three; come, two, three; out, two, three. La... sir... La, if you think you have the right to refuse propriety. I dish out the rights around here. I shan't be the poor loser in a contest won by a summerhouse. Not I, sir. (To LANE) Lane, tell an amusing story.

Crime and Punishment

LANE
(BILL still cradled in his arms) Once upon a time, there was a young footman --

SALOME
Never mind, Lane, things are quite funny enough. (To the summerhouse) Do you hear that in there? I think your hilarious attitude is in bad taste. You tire me. I am finished with you. (Calling offstage) Herod?! Mamma?! Everybody on stage.

HEROD and LADY H enter USC through the French doors.

HEROD
It's about time!

LADY H
No footman to announce us?!

HEROD
Only two chairs, where will --

LADY H
(Coming upon BILL's body) Rise, sir, from that completely recumbent position.

SALOME
He can't, Mamma, he butter-knifed himself to death.

HEROD
Who's responsible for this carnage?

SALOME
The butler did it.

LADY H
Not another one.

HEROD
(To LANE) Remove it.

LANE
(With a dark look toward the summerhouse) If Miss Salome is finished with it.

SALOME
Quite finished, thank you, Lane --

GLADYS and LANE pull BILL's body to the side. LANE covers it with the cape of Moloch. LANE and GLADYS exit SR, unobtrusively

SALOME
(To HEROD and LADY H) Have you any idea how long you've kept me waiting out here?

HEROD
My dear child --

LADY H
You sent us back in.

SALOME
(To HEROD) You and mamma have talked it over, yes?

LADY H
Herod and I --

SALOME
Yes or no?

HEROD
We did happen to discuss --

SALOME
To what conclusion?

LADY H
The conclusion is up to you.

SALOME
In other words, I'm to be it.

HEROD
I wouldn't put it --

SALOME
I am up to here with answers! Before I enter into any relationship with a male --

LADY H
(Fanning herself) Salome, please, the "opposite sex!"

SALOME
(To HEROD) Before I contract with you, corporate or carnal --

HEROD
The necessary papers have been --

LADY H
We're rich!

HEROD
Your mother, acting as your agent --

SALOME
I'm adding a rider to the contract.

LADY H
He hasn't anything left.

SALOME
(With a look toward the summerhouse) Oh, yes, he has.

HEROD
What do you want?

SALOME
(To HEROD) You desire me?

HEROD
(Looking for LANE) Where's the Ravel?

LADY H
(Helping herself to champagne) We can dispense with the music.

SALOME
(To HEROD) You crave and covet me?

HEROD
I'm very fond of you... where is Lane?

SALOME
And you will give me anything I ask?

HEROD
(Falling to his knees) Miss Salome, deep in my heart --

SALOME
Get up.

HEROD
(Rising) You're taking the romance out of it.

SALOME
Answer my question.

HEROD
What is it that you want?

SALOME
Just give it to me.

HEROD
Aren't you expected to dance?

SALOME
Later maybe. There's a little waltz step I'm warming up right now.

LADY H
Then it's settled! Quelle surprise. What an alliance. (Lifting a glass to SALOME and HEROD) To the both of you.

SALOME
No, Mamma, it is not settled.

HEROD
But --

SALOME
As soon as I've been given what I want.

HEROD
Then tell me what it is.

SALOME
(To the summerhouse) Him.

LADY H
Who?

SALOME
I want him. In there. He who rejected me.

HEROD
He isn't mine to give.

LADY H
He belongs to justice.

HEROD
To this summerhouse and those to follow.

LADY H
And you don't want him -- who knows where he's been?

SALOME
Fair enough. I consent to settle for his head.

HEROD
Do you know what you're asking for?

SALOME
From here up!

LADY H
My dear child --

SALOME
When little girls start asking for heads, they're no longer addressed as child.

HEROD
Anything else... the sun... the stars... the --

SALOME
No moon!

HEROD
(Opening his jacket, displaying a cache of jewels) Could I interest you in a few precious gems -- the black pearl of Poseidon... the Queen of Sheba's sapphire... the diamond diadem of Dido... Rasputin's ruby... the emerald of Montezuma... Donald Trump's digital watch?

SALOME
I lust for a head; give it to me, Herod!

LADY H
I swoon!

SALOME
Whatever you think best, Mamma.

HEROD
He hasn't had his trial yet.

SALOME
Try him here, now, guilty.

HEROD
We'd need a jury.

SALOME
I am your jury.

LADY H
Not in the face of history.

SALOME
Bother history.

HEROD
I'll not have history slandered, not in my garden.

SALOME
Stop procrastinating, Herod, throw the lions to the Christians.

LADY H
Dear, you've got that back to front.

SALOME
No, Mamma, I haven't.

HEROD
Court will come to order.

SALOME
Are we ever out of order?

HEROD
The accused?

SALOME
Your guess is as good as mine.

LADY H
You want his head and you don't even know his name?

SALOME
He has hundreds of names. Hundreds of thousands --

HEROD
His crime?

SALOME
You must know; you locked him up.

HEROD
After careful deliberation, we find the defendant --

LADY H
Guilty!

SALOME
Then give me his head.

HEROD
It's yours.

SALOME
How do I get it off?

HEROD
Not my jurisdiction.

SALOME
(Demurely) Antipas, my sweet --

HEROD
Not on your tintype.

SALOME
Twiddle, I should have saved Bill. (Looking toward LADY H) Mamma --

LADY H
Surely you jest.

SALOME
Where is Lane?

GLADYS enters USL. She has changed, is dressed as she was at the start of the play. She is jumping; ship.

SALOME
Gladys, bring me his head.

GLADYS
Are you for real?

SALOME
Sir Herod gave it to me.

GLADYS
(with chilly courtesy) Nice of you to try to include me in the action... (To the audience as she exits DSR) ...hell, I seldom last beyond the first ten minutes of the play. Let's face it, there aren't that many plays left with maids in them.

SALOME
If somebody doesn't do as I ask, I shall hold my breath until I --

LANE enters down the aisle with the tray from Act One. On it is the PRISONER's head, covered with a colorful tea cozy.

LANE
I found the tray thrown away in the shrubbery.

SALOME
(in awe) Is this?

LANE
(Climbing onto the stage, giving the head to SALOME) I put a tea cozy on it to keep it warm. (BILL has been revenged.)

SALOME
A wonderful head!

The fake phono sputters to life with the "severed head" motif from the opera Salome by Richard Strauss.

SALOME
(To the head) You did come to me, sir. I have in my hands, on a precious, middle-period Mesopotamian tray, under the cozy Auntie deFarge crocheted for me, a head. Bad country, miserable year, but a good head. An anonymous head. (Tweaking it under the chin) Aren't you sorry you never told me your real name? Now you'll never get proper credit. We must celebrate. We must sing and laugh and dance... dance! Yes! We must dance! (A sleazy bump and grind rendition of Maurice Ravel's Valses Nobles et Sentimentales is heard) Herod, we're going to a ball.

LADY H
(Producing a hat fit for Ascot from out of nowhere) Not without a hat.

SALOME
(Handing head to SIR HEROD) Careful, don't drop it.

LADY H
(Giving the hat to SALOME) Then you are happy?

SALOME
(Putting on the hat) Delirious. We're going all the way to France, Mamma. I'll tell Louis and Marie you send your love.

LADY H
Do that, dear. And should you chance to drop in on Caesar after the ball, give him one for me.

SALOME
(Retrieving the head from SIR HEROD) A young lady may well do without the benefit of naked trumpeters, if first she takes special care to master the intricacies of the waltz. (She begins a slow waltz with the head.)

HEROD
Now she dances!

LANE
But with her hat on --

LADY H
-- like the proper girl I raised her to be.

SALOME
Take solace from that as I exit waltzing.

Ravel's Valses Nobles et Sentimentales mutates into an insane and energetic distortion of a waltz. The music swells as the lights BLACKOUT.

End of Play

Table of Contents:   Now She Dances!

Doric Wilson was one of the first playwrights at New York City's legendary Caffé Cino and a pioneer of the Off-Off-Broadway movement, writing, directing, producing and designing over a hundred productions. He was a founding member of Circle Repertory Theater and the Barr/Wilder/Albee Playwright's Unit, a participant in all three nights of the Stonewall Riot, and was active in the early days of New York's gay liberation movement as a member of Gay Activist Alliance and as a "star" bartender and manager of the post-Stonewall gay bar scene, where he opened such landmark institutions as The Spike, TY's, and Brothers & Sisters Cabaret. His plays can also be read at www.doricwilson.com.

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