Lodestar Quarterly

Issue 8 • Winter 2003 • Featured Writer • Drama

Marla's Devotion

Linda Eisenstein

Characters, Setting, Time, Production Note

Cast of Characters

Scene 1

Scene 1

A spot on MARLA.

MARLA
People will do just about anything to change their lives.

Anything! It's true. We'll cut our hair, or switch to contact lenses. We'll change jobs, change majors, change partners. Move to a different city, a different neighborhood, a different apartment. Buy new furniture, new clothes, new labor-saving appliances. Try new diets, go vegetarian, cut the fat, do aerobics, take up a new hobby, a new religion, a new beverage.

And the funny thing is? Almost anything works. Almost anything will change your life. For a while. A very short while. It's the Hawthorne Effect. Add anything new, and stuff automatically begins to happen to you. Oh, sure, progress is jagged, it's like, two steps forward, one step back, but it is definitely progress! And you think: Wow! I'm on a roll! My life is so different now! New lover, new haircut, new job, new attitude, new shape, new religion, new apartment, new major, new wardrobe: New Improved Me.

Then -- a little while later -- you hit this plateau. And you look around and say: that's weird. I recognize this place. It's like, after all that motion, you've managed to put yourself right back in the same old place, right where you started. And you say: how the heck did I get back here? It's like, all that progress, all those changes, were a dream. It's the same old you, in the same old situations -- only your MasterCard balance is definitely higher. (pause) I really, really need to change my life. I gotta find a method that actually takes me somewhere. Somewhere different. So I guess I'm gonna have to learn to walk a different way.

MARLA takes a deep breath, then begins to perambulate somewhat oddly. She takes two steps forward -- breathes -- then bends, kneels, then lies down prostrate, her arms stretched forward. She then rises and takes two more steps, lies down prostrate, etc. She rather resembles an inchworm.

Scene 2

Scene 2

No break in continuity. Lights shift, coming up on MARLA and JOEY's living room.

MARLA is still doing her routine from Scene 1.

JOEY, MARLA's lover, is bustling around drinking coffee, getting her briefcase ready for work.

JOEY
Zoom, zoom, zoom. Time to get cracking.

MARLA
What time do you want dinner?

JOEY
Dinner is doubtful. Depositions most of the day, then court. That means the drive-through and the law library tonight.

MARLA
Oh. Which case is it? The slime bag one?

JOEY
That doesn't narrow it down, Marla. Okay, you remember the one, she was ironing the prick bastard's shirts, and the prick bastard took the iron and --

MARLA
(hands over her ears) Oooh, stop, no more! (She takes a big breath, makes the next prostration an especially mindful one.)

JOEY
Yes, my practice is such a jolly picnic lately. Also I gotta file a couple more restraining orders and... (finally noticing what MARLA is doing) What's that, yoga?

MARLA
Kind of.

JOEY
That's the same one you were doing before my shower. Shouldn't you move on to a different exercise?

MARLA
It's something I'm trying out. From that article I was reading? These two monks did this as a devotion. Every two steps, they'd kneel down and do a full prostration.

JOEY
What the hell did they do that for?

MARLA
The article didn't say. For mindfulness, I guess. They walked between two temples in California like this.

JOEY
Jeez. I'll bet their knees were sore. Goodbye kiss.

JOEY leans down to MARLA. They peck their morning goodbye.

MARLA
(arms around JOEY's neck, trying to hold her) Joey --

JOEY
Gotta run, babe.

MARLA
You're working late an awful lot lately.

JOEY
(pulling away) Can't be helped right now.

MARLA
I hardly see you.

JOEY
It's wacko season, okay? Hey, do me a favor. Stop by the cleaners on your way to class, all right?

MARLA
I...I don't think I'm going.

JOEY
Marla, don't cut class again.

MARLA
What's the point, anyway?

JOEY
Marla, it's simple. You go to class, you actually complete your assignments and turn them in, and eventually they hand you a diploma.

MARLA
Well, I'll go tomorrow. Right now I need to get the hang of this.

JOEY
The hang of what.

MARLA
This. This practice. It's really fascinating.

JOEY
Aw, jeez...

MARLA
I feel like I need to get more mindfulness and devotion in my life.

JOEY
You need to get more completed credit hours into your life so you can fucking graduate!

MARLA
You don't have to yell.

MARLA does deep breathing through JOEY's mini-rant, trying to tune it out.

The following overlaps a lot.

JOEY
I'm not yelling. You and that goddamn magazine. I dread, I absolutely dread the day it comes.

MARLA
You're so angry all the time.

JOEY
You always start in with some kind thing,

MARLA
At the drop of a hat, you yell, Joey.

JOEY
some kind of hapless New Age bullshit.

MARLA
Buddhism isn't exactly New Age.

JOEY
I have to tell you that the very idea of this pisses me off.

MARLA
It's only, like, 3,000 years old or something.

JOEY
Pardon me for saying so, Marla, but you of all people do not need more contact with a religious ideology that says your ego identity is an illusion.

MARLA
Like you know anything about Buddhism.

JOEY
You think I haven't read your stupid magazine? There's never anything else to read in the john. That, or the Miracles of the Bootie-satvas.

MARLA
Bodhisattvas. (BO-DEE-SAHT-VAHS)

JOEY
Whatever.

MARLA
I think it's a beautiful concept. Compassionate egoless saints who resist giving themselves over to total bliss until all sentient beings in the world are enlightened.

JOEY
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, let me tell ya what I noticed about your Bootie-satvas, Marla. Most of 'em are men. And they all had a bunch of years soldiering and screwing and carrying on before they saw the light and got all holy. That's what women need. Spend some time building up their ego's muscles, creating some havoc and a good fight. Then they can let go of it. Otherwise what you got is just another doormat for the Patriarchy.

MARLA
I don't think you get it, Joey.

JOEY
Now maybe this groveling on the ground would be good for monks.

MARLA
Life does not have to be a war.

JOEY
Male monks.

MARLA
This helps you breathe easier.

JOEY
But getting down on your knees every 30 seconds? I think this is a really screwed up thing for a lesbian to be doing.

MARLA
It concentrates the mind, too.

JOEY
This is a bid for attention, that's what it is.

MARLA
No it's not.

JOEY
For my attention. Christ, you've already made me late.

MARLA
So go to work, Joey.

JOEY
A struggle for control. This, this is a very male thing you're doing.

MARLA
So what. If I were struggling for control in a female way I would eat and throw up. I prefer this. (breathes) It's rather peaceful when you inhale before the two steps, then exhale as you go prone. (goes prone) Actually, I think I'll stay down here for a while.

JOEY
Honest to God, Marla, I really cannot have you doing this to my life all the time. I have to get to work!

MARLA
Go right ahead. This isn't about you, anyway.

JOEY
Oh, sure.

MARLA
This is about me.

JOEY
You know, you're going to be in a world of hurt soon. Wait'll you have to get to the bathroom.

MARLA
I'll just have to plan ahead. No one said you have to get very far. It took those monks two and a half years to go fifty miles.

JOEY
When you get the runs? Don't say I didn't warn you.

JOEY exits.

Scene 3

Scene 3

Lights down to a spot on MARLA.

MARLA
Joey never exactly says it, but she thinks of me as a dilettante. This is how she sees it. She's the goal-directed one, and I'm the one who floats around, being arty. Just because it's taken me a while longer to get through school. But I do have goals. They're just not the kind of goals she recognizes. Right now my goal is to pay attention to the workings of my own mind. This seems like a good way to stay alert to it. I take two steps forward, and then I kneel down and prostrate myself, and then I get back up, all the time being absolutely mindful of what I'm doing and thinking. You know one of the first things I noticed? How utterly distracted I am. How scattered. How many times a day I find myself staring off in space, my mind floating in fantasy. Or how I can find myself standing in front of the refrigerator with the door open, staring inside. Like some new delight is going to miraculously appear in there. And I pace around so much, I can put down my coffee cup and then not be able to find it without wandering in circles from room to room. Not anymore. Now I have to really want that cup of coffee. I can't just spring up and get it on a whim. If I want to read a book, or eat a piece of cake, or answer the phone -- well, I have to set my priorities. All the time being aware. I think being aware is a darn good goal. Joey was right about one thing, though. When you're doing this? Diarrhea is no picnic.

Scene 4

Scene 4

MARLA is sitting down, reading. It is late. She has her legs elevated on a little pillow.

JOEY comes in, muttering.

JOEY
(reacting to something offstage as she enters) Ay, shut up, already! (to MARLA) Tell me -- does the guy ever say one nice word to his dog? Or does he just scream at it all day long?

MARLA
How was court?

JOEY
Unbelievable. Horrible. Grotesque. Sociopathic maniacs loosed upon society. And that's my colleagues. The clients are merely pathetic.

MARLA
Hello kiss. (JOEY bends down for their little peck.) You're kind of late.

JOEY
Tell me about it. I could die right here. What's with the pillows? (squeezes one of MARLA's knees)

MARLA
OW!!

JOEY
Whoa, sorry.

MARLA
My legs are a little sore, that's all. Want some dinner?

JOEY
No, no, babe, don't get up, I'm not really hungry. (Nevertheless, JOEY sits down and MARLA gets up. JOEY begins to read the paper, not looking up until indicated.)

MARLA
Well, I had a pretty interesting day.

JOEY
Uh-huh. Where's the Metro section?

As MARLA begins to move around the apartment, getting food ready, she does her prostrations.

It's very hard for her to keep her mind on speaking, walking, prostrating, and putting together chips and salsa on a tray -- so there are many stops and starts, jerks and halts and doubling back.

JOEY mostly ad libs grunts and uh-huhs and sputters about things in the paper, but doesn't notice what MARLA is doing until indicated.

MARLA
I learned a lot about myself today. You wouldn't believe it, Joey. I don't ever think I've had a day like this. I never even left the house. It was unbelievably stimulating, just walking around -- well, kind of walking around -- just being in here. I mean, here in my head! My mind was just, zap, zoom, boom. Insights! God, such insights! And...shoot, where'd I put...oh, there's the salsa. And in the middle of all of this, this incredible gestalt, my mom called. And I didn't have even one panic attack, not one!

JOEY
Arlene? What'd she want?

MARLA
Who knows? She was beating around the bush, as usual. Something about tulip time, and a bus trip to Holland.

JOEY
How the hell can you take a bus to Holland? That's Arlene for you, all right.

MARLA
Holland, Michigan, it's a triple-A tour or something. But the point is, the point is! I just let her talk and I didn't freak out. I didn't have to analyze her every hidden motive. I couldn't actually, I was too busy trying to breathe and straighten my legs. It was amazing!

By now, MARLA has the tray of chips and salsa and is wending her way over to JOEY. But she can't figure out how to carry it and do prostrations at the same time, so she has to keep putting down the tray and picking it up.

JOEY
(finally looking) Marla -- what the hell are you doing?

MARLA
I'm bringing you your chips and salsa. With no help from you, thanks a heap.

JOEY
Not that -- Jeez, are you still...? Look at you.

MARLA
Have you been listening to me? This is what I've been telling you about. Doing my prostrations.

JOEY listens, incredulous.

MARLA
They're incredible. Amazing. Absolutely life-changing. My knees kind of need an icepack, though.

JOEY
Well, sit down, then, ya goofball.

MARLA
Thank you, I think I will.

She plops down.

JOEY
You've actually been doing this all day.

MARLA
Mm-hm.

JOEY
All day. And you didn't stop once.

MARLA
Unh-unh. Well, I forgot for a couple of minutes when the phone rang, and I started pacing around out of habit, but -- I went right back to it.

JOEY
(with some admiration, in spite of herself) That's amazing.

MARLA
Oh, and now and then I'd catch myself staring soulfully into the refrigerator. But even so, boom, right back.

JOEY
That is quite a feat of concentration. I mean, especially for you.

MARLA
It was pretty astounding, yeah.

JOEY
I don't quite know what to say. I don't think I've ever seen you actually focus on anything -- quite like that.

MARLA
I surprised myself, actually.

JOEY
Well, you have had quite a day.

MARLA
Yup.

JOEY
What...what actually prompted this?

MARLA
Well, it was partly the Tarot card reading.

JOEY
Oh. Naturally.

JOEY listens -- mixed amusement, fascination, dismay -- a very Lucy and Ricky moment -- then a sneaking realization.

MARLA
See, I did my cards again, and the Queen came up, the one with the pineapple wand, the one I can't stand because she means "go on a diet"? Well, there she was again, and the Prince of Disks too, the guy who stands for more exercise, and I get these 2 all the time, one or the other, and usually I hate them? But I got both, so this time I read the book more carefully, and I found out that the Pineapple Queen really means "taking in a diet of things that sustain you", and I realized it could mean thoughts, too, and the Prince with his chariot full of boulders really stood for "Building New Worlds" and removing obstacles in your life, not just ridiculous aerobics in ill-fitting leotards -- and all of a sudden -- I liked these cards! The pictures actually looked attractive and healthy and I thought of the new worlds I'd be building and it was an exercise, kind of, and all this breathing in and breathing out was kind of, you know, a new way to nourish myself. So I decided it was good for me and I'd keep doing it.

A long pause.

JOEY
(some relief) Is that what this is about? Your weight again? Marla, honey, how many times do I have to say it? I like the way you look. Really.

MARLA
It isn't that.

JOEY
Sure it is. You think I'm going to run off with some skinny butt girl, is that it?

MARLA
No-o. (She means maybe.) Although you were paying an awful lot of attention to that Pam person at the PRIDE rally.

JOEY
I was surprised to see her, that's all. She works for the Clerk of Courts! I was just...a little startled.

MARLA
Well, she was startling, all right, in those size 4 short-shorts and open-toed shoes, and hot pink nail polish on her toes, for crying out loud.

JOEY
I looked, okay. I admit I looked.

MARLA
She's tiny, and blonde, and cute.

JOEY
Yes she is. In a kind of trampy fluff-muffin sort of way, but honey, I mean, my God, she makes copies of documents. I love you, Marla.

MARLA
See, this is what I mean.

JOEY
I was just looking.

MARLA
(overlapping) My thoughts just fly around and around,

JOEY
(overlapping) And I have to be nice to her, or my motions will get lost in File Hell and never emerge.

MARLA
in all these grotesque ways and -- that's my point! That's why I have to do this. Clear my mind every two steps. Otherwise it's all chattering monkeys, I have no control of my ridiculous thoughts.

The following is tease, cuddle, and make up.

JOEY
Thank you.

MARLA
I admit they're ridiculous.

JOEY
Thank you.

MARLA
And you're not trying to make it with big hair Pam.

JOEY
Her toes are shaped funny, too, did you see? They're crooked. Who could want a woman with crooked toes?

MARLA
Really.

JOEY
I like your toes.

MARLA
Thank you.

JOEY
Although at the moment, they're dangling at the end of knees that look a little swollen, to tell the truth.

MARLA
Yup.

JOEY
Well, we'll just have to get you off your feet.

MARLA
Sounds nice.

JOEY
(beckoning toward their bedroom, O.S.) Step into my office.

MARLA
(a little kiss) Okay.

JOEY
C'mon. Time for some real exercise. (goes offstage)

MARLA begins to follow JOEY offstage, then remembers to stop herself after 2 steps -- does her prostration. Gets up -- prostrates -- etc. She tries to hurry.

MARLA
I'll be right there.

JOEY comes back out.

JOEY
What's taking...oh my God.

MARLA
I said I'll be right there.

JOEY
You're crawling. You're actually crawling?!

MARLA
No I'm not, it's only a couple of prostrations from here to the bedroom.

JOEY
This is unbelievable, stop it!

MARLA
I have to be consistent with my practice, I don't

JOEY
Your practice?

MARLA
I don't want to start making exceptions, not any, or pretty soon I won't do it at all.

JOEY
I thought this was an experiment!

MARLA
I know myself.

JOEY
Marla, I can't have you crawling into the...oh, man.

MARLA
Why not?

JOEY
It's...it's too damn kinky, that's why.

MARLA
Well, try to incorporate it into a turn-on.

JOEY
A turn-on? You look like a caterpillar inching up a leaf!!

MARLA
Well, I guess I'm just your little caterpillar then.

JOEY
(bolting over to the other side of the room) No, no, no -- this is totally not okay.

MARLA
Joey, don't move around so much. It just makes it harder for me to get there.

JOEY
I am totally not in the mood. I mean, call me old-fashioned. But I don't want to play those dominance-submission games, they freak me out, okay?

MARLA
That's not what this is.

JOEY
Okay, then. So stop.

MARLA
I can't, I told you...

JOEY
Oh, Jesus, this is a good one. This one is just a peach. "Dear Abby: I'm having a little problem with my sex life. My girlfriend insists on crawling on her hands and knees everywhere because the Pineapple Queen and the Prince of Exercise told her it was a good idea. What shall I do?"

MARLA
Okay,

JOEY
Marla, are you trying to drive me insane?

MARLA
No.

JOEY
What have I done to you, tell me what have I done. I know I don't pay enough attention to you, but Christ, baby, you know what my practice is like these days!

MARLA
Yes, I know.

JOEY
All day long, phones ringing, women crying their eyes out,

MARLA
Your practice.

JOEY
in and out of my office with busted teeth and broken ribs, it's one horror show after another.

MARLA
Well, this is my practice.

JOEY
When I come home all I want is a little peace. A little peace of mind. That's all I want.

MARLA
(starting to cry) That's all any of us wants, Joey. That's all I want. Peace of mind.

JOEY
Then why can't I have it, huh? Why can't I fucking have it?!?

JOEY storms out of the apartment. Door slams.

MARLA
I don't know. I don't know.

Crying, she tries to get control of her breathing, big breaths in and out -- then a breathing chant.

Ah-ah-ah-hummmm. Ah-ah-ah-hummmm. That's all anybody wants. Ah-ah-ah-hummmm. Peace of mind.

Lights dim on MARLA in the middle of the floor, breathing, centering.

Scene 5

Scene 5

A tinkly temple bell.

Spot on MARLA.

MARLA
Devotion. Devotion is a very powerful thing. There's nothing weak or passive about it. I mean, look at nuns and monks. They're tough cookies. Catholics, Buddhists, Hindus. They go to bare rooms ringed with flame and soft, pungent smells, sit on their heels and quiet their minds. There can be sounds all around, the rush of the world -- screeching tires, slamming doors, even machine-gun bursts -- but they still can go to this quiet place of Devotion. Where their hearts can open and fill with love. Where they can feel the universe pouring love in their direction. I'll bet they become like magnets in their bare rooms -- a lodestone so charged that all the good energy in the world runs their way, like a river or a fountain. They pull it to them on their breath, and it gets supercharged and magnified inside them and then they breathe it out. And the wind carries their devotion through the air like spores that float out over the city. And for a split second, there is no pain in the world. Boy oh boy. I'd like to learn how to breathe like that. Even once. Boy oh boy. I sure would.

Scene 6

Scene 6

JOEY reenters. MARLA is still on the floor. She is breathing fairly calmly now. She is doing a pretty good imitation of a statue of Buddha.

JOEY
Okay. I got upset. I said things that were...I'm sorry. Okay? You're an adult. You certainly have the right to practice whatever, whatever, what is it you're doing?

MARLA
My devotional practice.

JOEY
To practice whatever devotional practice you want.

MARLA
Yes I do.

JOEY
No matter how weird or peculiar it may look to me at first. You have the right...

MARLA
to remain silent. (giggles) Sorry.

JOEY
You can sit there and joke.

MARLA
Sorry.

JOEY
I'm making this apology, and you joke.

MARLA
It's a bad habit I have.

JOEY
Yes it is. Nevertheless. That is partially the point. It's your life. I can't change you, you can't change me. We agreed to this long ago.

MARLA
Yes we did.

JOEY
So you can do what you want. But I don't have to like it, do I?

MARLA
No, you don't.

JOEY
You do things that I don't like --

MARLA
like joking when you're trying to be serious --

JOEY
I do things you don't like --

MARLA
plenty of things --

JOEY
I work late,

MARLA
and you swear too much, and you're always mad!

JOEY
Yes, I'm mad a lot,

MARLA
but it's your constitutional right.

JOEY
Yes it is. It actually is in my constitution. It's the way I'm constituted, I can't help it, you've always known what I'm like.

MARLA
Yes, I know.

JOEY
And I know you don't always like these things about me, but you live with me anyway.

MARLA
Yes, that's true.

JOEY
So I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt, Marla.

MARLA
You are.

JOEY
Live and let live.

MARLA
Thank you.

JOEY
And I am going to try to curb my natural paranoia and not assume that you are doing this in order to torment and torture me. I am going to try not to assume that it is some kind of passive-aggressive vengeance you are taking upon me for my habits, that it is not some spiteful version of "turnabout is fair play" that is motivating you.

MARLA
That's very nice of you, Joey.

JOEY
Thank you.

MARLA
It's a very big step for you.

JOEY
Yes it is.

MARLA
I really appreciate this.

JOEY
But I don't like it, okay! I don't have to like it.

MARLA
No, you certainly don't.

JOEY
Good.

MARLA
Would you like some salsa and chips?

JOEY
God, yes. I'm starving.

MARLA pulls over the tray of salsa and chips. Throughout the next dialogue they settle in and chomp on the salsa and chips.

MARLA
Here.

JOEY
You can crawl around in here all you want. And I am going to try to deal with it in my own way.

MARLA
What way?

JOEY
I don't actually know. (a beat, as they chomp) I'll probably just try to ignore it a good deal of the time.

MARLA
Okay with me.

JOEY
These are surprisingly good.

MARLA
For low-fat chips, I agree.

JOEY
Are there any more?

MARLA
Over in the bag.

MARLA gets up and prostrates her way over and back with the bag of chips while JOEY speaks.

JOEY
It's surprising what you can get used to. I mean, six months ago you'd never have had these in the house and I never would've eaten them either.

MARLA
True.

JOEY
So change is possible. It creeps up on you, incrementally.

MARLA
Uh-huh.

JOEY
I mean, I had a girlfriend once who smoked these nasty little cigars with the wooden tips.

MARLA
Yukko.

JOEY
I never liked it, she was always fumbling around for matches at inappropriate moments, I hated the smell on her clothes and in my car, but it was part of her -- so eventually I accepted it.

MARLA
But you're not still with her. (a beat)

JOEY
True. Perhaps that wasn't the most uplifting example. (a beat)

MARLA
Did her smoking have something to do with your breaking up?

JOEY
No. Not exactly. But come to think of it, it was kind of symbolic of the relationship. It bothered me that she would continue to do something that she knew I hated so much. It seemed...pretty selfish. And kind of self-destructive to boot.

MARLA
So because she wouldn't change, you left her.

JOEY
I didn't say that.

MARLA
It was...implied.

JOEY
Well, her behavior was self-destructive in more than one way.

MARLA
Ah.

JOEY
Smoking was just one part. We certainly both knew it was bad for her.

MARLA
Well. Then it doesn't apply. Because I've already told you how much good my practice has already done for me.

JOEY
Huh.

MARLA
Really.

JOEY
Benefit of the doubt.

MARLA
I mean, people don't leave people when they change for the better, do they?

JOEY
I guess not.

MARLA
I mean, that wouldn't make sense.

JOEY
It's just that...well, you never really know what's being set in motion. When someone really begins to change.

A long uncomfortable pause.

MARLA
I love you a lot, Joey.

JOEY
Yes. Yes, I think you do.

MARLA
And you love me.

JOEY
Yes, Marla, I do. (a beat) God help us both.

Lights dim, to a spot on MARLA.

Scene 7

Scene 7

Tibetan chants and bells: one of those victorious, high-energy, cacophonous ones. In dim light, MARLA does a prostration, chanting along. Then another. Then suddenly a piercing sound.

MARLA, on the floor, has taken a hand vacuum cleaner, like a Dustbuster, out of her belt and vacuums for a bit. Then she gets up and continues.

She alternates, vacuuming whenever she sees lint, and chanting.

Scene 8

Scene 8

Evening. MARLA is resting on the floor on a cushion, reading a book about meditation. Nevertheless she is a bit wired.

There is no clutter anywhere.

JOEY enters, with her briefcase.

MARLA
Hi honey!

JOEY
Hi babe.

MARLA
How was your day?

JOEY
Typical. And yours?

MARLA
Really great, actually. Hey -- notice anything?

JOEY
You mean, other than the fact that you're sitting on the floor, and not in a chair? No.

MARLA
Look harder.

JOEY
I'm actually afraid to, Marla.

MARLA
Don't be silly. (waves her hand around)

JOEY
You cleaned.

MARLA
Ta-da!

JOEY
You really cleaned. Again, I'm impressed. (looks offstage, where the kitchen would be) Jesus, look at the floor. You could eat off the floor. What am I saying, you probably do eat off the floor, oh, Christ, I don't want to think about it, it makes my head hurt.

She plops down in the chair.

MARLA
Poor baby. Hello kiss.

JOEY
Not yet. Okay, look, Marla. I thought about this all day.

MARLA
And?

JOEY
I really fought with myself on this, you know? I thought: You're just going to be encouraging her, but I can't let her crawl around hurting herself, so... (digs in her briefcase) I got you something.

MARLA
What?

JOEY
Just a second. (pulls out a package) A little something. For your new practice.

MARLA
What?

MARLA opens the bag.

MARLA
Oh, wow -- Kneepads!!

JOEY smiles, weakly.

MARLA
God, they're like, industrial strength. (puts them on)

JOEY
I found them in this yuppie sporting goods place. I think they're for in-line skaters or hockey players or something.

MARLA
God, they're GREAT! They're absolutely... (modeling them -- they are large and extremely prominent) Oh, God! You are so great! (prostrates her way over toward JOEY)

JOEY
It seemed the least I could do.

MARLA
Oh God, what a difference, I can hardly feel...Oh, thank you, Joey, thank you, thank you, thank you. (covering her with kisses)

JOEY
(a little bit embarrassed) Hey, settle down, it's not like the crown jewels or anything. Jeez.

MARLA
You are so understanding.

JOEY
No, I'm not. Don't misunderstand, okay? I still think it's stupid. Unbelievably stupid, actually. But I just don't want you hurting yourself, okay?

MARLA
It's sweet. You're terribly sweet.

JOEY
You know, Marla, sometimes the way you get excited and overgrateful for the least little thing I do? It's kind of pitiful.

MARLA
A person ought to be grateful when someone is nice to them.

JOEY
It just makes me feel like a heel. Like, "Oh, Joey, you're so great, thank you so much for not ignoring me or throwing me on the floor and stomping on me today. It really feels good when you stop, I really appreciate it, okay?" Jeez.

MARLA
And I really need them. I sure needed them today. Oh, I forgot to tell you. I got your suit from the cleaners.

JOEY
Great, thanks.

MARLA
The whole day was an adventure, that's for sure. But never mind me, how was your day?

JOEY
Just dandy. So, you want to go out to eat tonight?

MARLA
I thought we could order takeout. Given that the kitchen is actually clean. From the Thai place maybe.

JOEY
Good idea. (going to the phone, dialing) You want the usual?

MARLA
Anyway, one trip out in the world was kind of enough for one day.

JOEY
-- Yes, I'd like to place an order.

MARLA
But hey, now that I have kneepads, whew, look out, world!

JOEY
-- One pad thai special, extra peanuts, one red curry with coconut milk, medium hot.

MARLA
Hey, there's a lot of fat in that one. Coconut milk is like béarnaise sauce, only worse, really.

JOEY
No way!

MARLA
Look it up.

JOEY
Jeez, no wonder it tastes so good. (to the phone) -- Miller. Thanks. Ten minutes, thanks. (puts down the phone)

MARLA
Your name's not Miller.

JOEY
Yeah, I know. But it's easier to spell.

MARLA
Not for a Siamese person it isn't. Why not use Yee or something, then?

JOEY
Good point.

MARLA
(suddenly suspicious) That's a funny thing to do, "Miller," when did you start doing that?

JOEY
I don't know, I heard somebody do it, it seemed like a smart idea.

MARLA
Huh. You know... (silence)

JOEY
What?

MARLA
Nothing. Nothing. (breathes, deep)

JOEY
I should get going.

MARLA
It's not ready yet, for heaven's sakes.

JOEY
It takes nearly ten minutes to get there.

MARLA
Five minutes. It'd take me ten minutes, or fifteen or even twenty at this point, but for you it only takes five. Unless, of course, you're planning on doing something else, too.

MARLA prostrates herself, deep breathing. Trying not to get upset.

JOEY
What are you, some kind of time-and-motion expert, you're what, following me around with a stopwatch...?

MARLA
Some important phone call you can't actually make from the house,

JOEY
And what are you talking about, you're not...Jesus.

MARLA
Think about it, Joey. Think about what you're doing.

JOEY
What are you saying. You're not doing this shit outside, are you? This crawling shit? (pause)

MARLA
You wouldn't actually believe how few people even seem to notice me. They hardly turned their heads most of the time.

JOEY
You did this on the street?! Where other people can see you?!?

MARLA
I'm surprised, really. Not that I expected, you know, a lot of attention. Or approval. But that so few people would even notice? It's eerie, really. What do they think I'm doing down here, looking for a contact lens?

JOEY
My God, Marla!

MARLA
A couple of kids stopped and asked. They were both under age 10. After that, even the kids don't ask. I find it kind of sad.

JOEY
Somebody is going to see you doing that!

MARLA
I just told you, they don't, actually.

JOEY
Marla, it's, it's too weird, that's why! I mean, when you get too weird, you become this creepy kind of invisible. Of course people don't want to see you. They don't want to get involved.

MARLA
Maybe I should wrap a turban around my head. Then there'd at least be a context.

JOEY
Marla, you can't fucking do this! Somebody is going to see you.

MARLA
So what? I mean, what's the big deal, I'm just doing a prostration every now and then.

JOEY
What am I going to do when somebody from my firm sees you crawling down the sidewalk? Jesus Christ on a crutch!

MARLA
You know, this city. Our values. They're totally ridiculous. You tell me about all the horrible things that go on all day on the news, and in court, and you don't blink an eye. But let somebody do anything vaguely spiritual in public, and they're suddenly a pariah.

JOEY
It'll get around like wildfire.

MARLA
Now I could do this in Calcutta and people would respect me, even think I was holy.

JOEY
Every asshole attorney in this city will hear about it.

MARLA
You can get away with a lot in Calcutta that you can't here.

JOEY
I'll never hear the end of it.

MARLA
There may be more poverty there, sure, but you can crawl all you want and people will respect you. You don't have to worry about what they might say to your girlfriend at a cocktail party, that's for sure.

JOEY
Oh, hey, hey! You don't have to go to Calcutta. Hell, why not just go on TV? That'll get you noticed, all right. Give Sally Jessie a call, maybe she'd put you on. "And now, Lesbians With Insane and Dysfunctional Devotional Practices." You'll get your 15 minutes of fame, all right, Marla.

MARLA
I don't want that kind of recognition. All anyone does on those shows is exchange freakish stories.

JOEY
Why not? You're determined to ruin my life anyway, so why not just, you know, go for the main chance?

MARLA
Why does this always turn out to be about you, Joey? I hate to tell you, but you are not the center of the universe.

JOEY
I can't fucking take this.

MARLA
You are not in my mind every waking moment of my day. My every action is not about how it reflects on you. And my mood will not be based on how your every action reflects on me. We are separate people. You've made that abundantly clear lately.

JOEY
I knew it. I knew it. Somewhere in here, it'd get around to me. Something I've supposedly done.

MARLA
We have to be in control of our own lives and what's in our own minds.

JOEY
Somehow this is all going to be my fault. I don't know how, but it will be, I can hear it coming.

MARLA
And so I think you should go out and do whatever you were going to do,

JOEY
Do? Do WHAT?!?

MARLA
and when you get done doing it, try to pick up the takeout before it gets too cold.

JOEY
It's already too cold! It's probably all gummy by now, for crying out loud.

MARLA
And I will simply do what I have to.

They glare at each other for a beat. Then JOEY storms out. Big door slam.

A beat.

MARLA
Well. That was pleasant. That was really mature, Marla. You're really doing yourself proud. That was about as mindful as a Sarajevo strafing run. Shit shit shit shit shit. (no tears, though) Back to the drawing board. (a prostration) Oh, man, these kneepads. These really are ace.

Lights dim on MARLA.

Scene 9

Scene 9

While MARLA does some version of her devotion, recorded voices speak from the radio inside MARLA's head.

Note: All of these, except the last one, can be different versions of MARLA'S and JOEY's voices.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.):
We now interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring you messages from the radio inside Marla's head. Our topic for this evening: Can this semi-committed, non-traditional relationship be saved?

beep

VOICE 1
Marla ought to get a job. She doesn't have enough to do. She spends way too much time being self-involved.

beep

VOICE 2
I disagree. That Joey is shacking up with the blonde bimbo. If Marla doesn't want to lose her, she better get rid of a few pounds.

beep

MARLA
Shut UP.

VOICE 3
I think Marla and Joey need some heavy-duty counseling.

beep

VOICE 4
No way. These two are a definite break-up. They obviously don't belong together.

beep

VOICE 5
Two women aren't going to be happy together no matter what. It's against the laws of God and Man.

beep

MARLA
Get out of my head!

VOICE 6
Joey needs to learn how to control her temper. She acts just like my father. The bastard.

beep

VOICE 7
I don't think we know enough about them to make any judgments. I can barely get up in the morning without crying myself.

beep

VOICE 8
I think that Marla and Joey need to experience a weekend of intimacy. Take a long, hot soak in a heart-shaped tub, with the scent of lavender in the water. Walk in the woods, smell the pine needles. Have a massage. Give each other some quality time. Here at the Caribbean Oasis we have weekend packages beginning at a very reasonable $259.95 that would renew...

beep

VOICE 9 (MARLA'S MOTHER)
Marla, are you going to answer the phone? This is your mother. Marla, pick up, I know you're home. For heaven's sake, Marla, are you on the floor again? Your...friend called me, Marla.

MARLA
Oh, my God.

MARLA prostrates her way over to the phone.

VOICE 9 (MARLA'S MOTHER)
She's worried about you. And so am I. Marla? Marla?

MARLA
(picking up the phone) Mom? How are you? (beat) No, I'm fine, Mom. Really. Uh-huh. No, it's not like that. Yes, I am still doing those. Yes, I know she said...No. No, Mom, I don't need to come home right now. (takes a big breath) But thank you. Thank you for offering. It's very sweet of you. Yes, I know you want the best for me, Mom. Mom, don't cry, okay? Really. Things are fi...No, no, actually -- they're not fine. Things are a little hard right now. Uh-huh. But I am dealing with them. The best way I know how. (beat) Yes. I love you, too, Mom. Okay. Yes, I'll tell her. Thanks, Mom.

MARLA hangs up. A beat.

MARLA
She called my mother. She called my mother?!?

She immediately dials the phone, begins to pace.

Lights up on JOEY, on the other side of the stage, holding a cellular phone.

MARLA
You called my mother?!? Joey, why did you call my mother?!?

JOEY
Baby, I don't have time for...

MARLA
You get home! You get home right now! What the hell are you doing calling my mother!!

JOEY crosses into MARLA's space, immediately segueing into their evening argument.

JOEY
Yeah, I called Arlene. What am I supposed to do? You've been acting so weird.

MARLA
I'm acting weird!? What about you? You're never here. And when you're here you're not here! And when you are here you're angry all the time. All the time!

JOEY
You're goddamn right I'm angry. You wanna know why? Let's hear about Joey's wonderful day at the office. My wonderful world. Where a woman has to keep her husband away with a restraining order. And he still beats her within an inch of next Tuesday. And nobody does shit. Where a dyke loses custody of her kid to her lunatic-fringe mother-in-law who inhales cigarette smoke and goes to a snake-handling church and believes in hitting the kid with a two-by-four because God told her to. And nobody does shit! Who's gonna fight those wars, huh? You oughta be goddamn grateful that somebody is in there punching while you're out here getting all soft and holy and full of space. You better pray that everybody like me doesn't get tired of fighting, and gives up to open a bed and breakfast and eat organic oatmeal. Or people like you are gonna be up shit creek without a paddle.

MARLA
But why does it have to hang over us like this? All that anger.

JOEY
It's better than being all spaced out!

MARLA
No it isn't! It's choking the breath out of me. It's like I'm breathing in fumes, the whole place is on fire. My God, I have to get close to the ground, just to be able to breathe!

JOEY
Well, pardon me. I just can't put it down, OK? It lives under my skin. And it pays the bills. Which do, by the way, need paying.

MARLA
Oh, you're saying I'm not productive. I'm not a productive member of this household.

JOEY
You said that, Marla, I didn't.

MARLA
My mother wants me to come home, maybe I should.

JOEY
Oh yeah, sure, that really makes sense. That'll certainly make you feel better, living at Arlene's.

MARLA
She offered.

JOEY
Being bundled off to the Methodist sodality, getting introduced to eligible guys with pocket protectors, sounds swell. Come on, Marla. What's happening around here?

MARLA
Death is what's happening here! I'm dying!

JOEY
What are you saying? Jesus, Marla, what are you saying?!

MARLA
I'm dying. We're dying, Joey. Our relationship is dying and my mother is dying and we're all dying and I'm afraid. I'm afraid all the time. I can't hold on to things, they keep swimming around. I can't freeze them into place. And half the time, I tell you, half the time when I get down, I don't want to get up. I just want to lie there with my face pressed against the floor and cry.

JOEY
Oh, you don't mean dying dying, Jesus, Marla, you scared the living shit out of me. You're talking metaphoric death.

MARLA
No. Literal. It's literal death. With every breath, we're one breath closer to our death, that's a fact, Joey.

JOEY
You're not dying, Marla.

MARLA
Yes we are. We ARE! Our culture just denies it. The Tibetans know better. When their mothers die, they save the skull and sleep on it for a year as a pillow.

JOEY
Arlene isn't dead, Marla.

MARLA
Imagine that. Sleeping for a year on your mother's skull.

JOEY
She's at the Mall of America, shopping until her feet bleed.

MARLA
You have to wait until it dries out, I guess.

JOEY
Jesus, Marla, is this what you think about all day? You can't go around thinking shit like that! Jesus, I'm calling Dr. Bernstein, you need to go back to her, OK?

MARLA
I won't. This way is better.

JOEY
Bullshit. You need to be on some serious meds, Marla.

MARLA
Everybody we know is on some kind of stupid drug. Does that sound rational? Does that make sense? Everyone gulping anti-depressants, Lithium, Prozac, just to hurl themselves through their ridiculous days? No, thank you.

JOEY
You don't have to feel this way. It's okay to get help, babe.

MARLA
There's something terribly wrong with our culture, Joey.

JOEY
We can't live this way!

MARLA
There goes your face again, Joey. You've got that soap opera look.

JOEY
What? What look?

MARLA
That look. Where you've labeled something and come to a pat conclusion and it makes you feel all better. Because all the ambiguities are set aside. Just like on some stupid soap opera. Like, if our life was a soap opera, right before the commercial break, the music would get all big and soppy. And I'd say "I'm dying" and the audience would gasp. And they'd all find out it was a brain tumor and they'd know, ah, That's the reason she was acting so weird. It would all be revealed. And everyone could breathe easy. They could go, oh, it was a brain tumor, that explains it. Or, oh, she's depressed. Like putting a label on it makes anything different or simplifies or explains your life in any way. Or, oh, oh, we get it, she found out her lover has been sneaking off to a motel with some blonde bimbo in pink toenail polish. That's why she was doing all that weird stuff. And they could breathe easy then.

JOEY
Oh, baby...

MARLA
But here? In real life? It's not that simple. You have to decide to breathe easy. When you decide that your life isn't about some external thing, some terrible thing that somebody else is or isn't doing, when it's really about how you are thinking.

JOEY
Baby, I'm sorry.

MARLA
How you think and breathe in and out each day and construct a world out of your thoughts...Well, that's a different story. That's a whole different plot, see.

JOEY
Marla.

MARLA
You can't read it the same way. It doesn't have a hero or a villain in it. Or a miracle cure. We're not living in a soap opera, Joey. Are we?

JOEY
No. No, we're not.

MARLA
We're just trying to live...trying to live... (begins to cry a little) a life that has some kindness in it.

JOEY goes to her. Holds her through the next.

JOEY
Sh-sh-sh. Honey. She doesn't mean anythi...

MARLA weeps. A long pause as JOEY holds her.

MARLA
This. This is doing me a world of good.

JOEY
I'm sorry.

MARLA
A world of good, Joey.

JOEY
Okay. Sh-sh.

MARLA
It makes me less afraid. It's funny. I said I'm afraid, and I am, but at the same time I've never been less afraid in my life.

JOEY
I love you, Marla.

MARLA
I know. I know.

JOEY rocks her. The weeping, finally, subsides. A beat.

MARLA
You called my mother?

JOEY
Yeah. We actually had a surprisingly nice talk, me and Arlene.

MARLA
Huh.

JOEY
We had something to obsess about together. Thinking about you. As the Crawling Lesbian.

MARLA
That's good. That way when I go back to being an ordinary garden-variety lesbian, with a lawyer lover, she'll actually be relieved.

JOEY
Does this mean you're stopping? Not that I'm asking you to, you understand.

MARLA
No. I'm still getting a lot out of it, actually. You know, you really ought to try it yourself, Joey.

JOEY
Oh, no no no.

MARLA
Really. Once wouldn't kill you. Just give you a different perspective.

JOEY
A worm's-eye view.

MARLA
A caterpillar's anyway.

JOEY
One caterpillar at a time is enough around here.

MARLA
Caterpillars turn into butterflies.

JOEY
They fly away, is that what you mean? Flap their wings and take off for parts unknown.

MARLA
Are we talking about you, or me?

JOEY
Marla: I'm not going anywhere. I don't know about you, though. You're changing.

MARLA
Yes. Yes, I am.

JOEY
And when you turn into something too different -- I think you're going to want a different view.

MARLA
I do. I have longed for a different view. That's why I'm down here. (beat) You might like it. It really doesn't hurt that much. (beat) Especially with kneepads. (beat)

JOEY
A couple of times, okay? But I don't have to be a believer, you're not gonna make me one, okay?

MARLA
I don't want to make you anything. Just try it out a couple of times. How could it hurt?

JOEY tries it once.

JOEY
Jesus. This is like pushups. I feel like I'm in the army or something.

MARLA
No hurry. We're not trying to build up our muscles, really. Just our intentions. That's hard enough.

JOEY
Okay, so --

MARLA
Look around. It's kinda cool isn't it?

JOEY
I really don't like all the looking down. I'd rather look up, I think.

MARLA
So stop for a minute and roll over.

JOEY rolls on her back.

JOEY
God, that's better. What's that on the ceiling? Cobwebs?

MARLA
I haven't really been looking up there lately. My attention has been elsewhere.

JOEY
No shit. (pause) Mine, too.

JOEY and MARLA lie on their backs, looking at the ceiling. Their heads are close together.

JOEY
I don't really feel like getting up.

MARLA
Me neither.

JOEY
I should, you know, I gotta...

MARLA leans up on one elbow.

MARLA
Shh. Take your time.

JOEY looks at MARLA a long time. SHE strokes MARLA's hair.

MARLA smiles. Lights start to fade.

MARLA
Take your time.

End of Play

Table of Contents:   Marla's Devotion

Linda Eisenstein's plays and musicals have had over 100 productions throughout the world. Her award-winning plays include Three the Hard Way, The Names of the Beast, Marla's Devotion, Discordia, Star Wares: The Next Generation, and Rehearsing Cyrano. Her plays and monologues have been published by Dramatic Publishing and appear in anthologies by Smith & Kraus, Heinemann, Penguin, and Vintage Books. Her poetry and fiction have appeared in Blithe House Quarterly, Kalliope, Whiskey Island, and Anything That Moves. She lives in Cleveland, Ohio.

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