Lodestar Quarterly

Issue 8 • Winter 2003 • Drama

Meaningless

Peter Sinn Nachtrieb

Act 1

The Darkness

The lights are out. We hear the first few noises of heavy breathing.

VOICE 1
Ooooo.

TED
Oh, yeeah.

a period of silence

VOICE 1
Oh!

TED
You like that?

VOICE 1
Oh, yeah!

TED
You like this?

pause

VOICE 1
Not as much as the last thing.

TED
Sorry.

VOICE 1
No, it's fine. It's fine. Just can you go back to that other thing?

TED
Oh, sure.

pause

VOICE 1
Oh, God! Yes, that is, WOW!

TED
You like that?

VOICE 1
Yes! Stop asking me.

TED
Oh. Sorry.

VOICE 1
Stop apologizing.

TED
Shoot. Sorr... OK

pause

VOICE 1
Oh, man!

TED
Oh, yes!

VOICE 1
Oooohhh.

TED
Mmmmm.

a pager or cell phone goes off

TED
Is that yours?

VOICE 1
Yeah.

TED
Do you need to get that?

VOICE 1
Uhhh. Yeah, hold on...

he answers the phone

Hello? Oh, hi! Yeah, it's all good. The presentation should be all uploaded and everything. Yeah. OK. Great. Hey listen, can I call you back? I'm kind of in the middle of something. Yeah. No, he's cute, but the light's out.

he laughs

Well, I'll talk to you then. See you at home. I love you. Bye.

the phone blips off

VOICE 1
Where were we?

TED
Right here.

VOICE 1
Ohhh, yeah.

TED
Mmmmmmmm.

VOICE 1
YEAAH!

pause

VOICE 1
Hey. Do you wanna...

TED
Sure. Yeah. Definitely.

VOICE 1
Definitely!

TED
Yessssss!

VOICE 1
Ten dollars on Definite!

TED
And Definite wins the race!

pause

TED
Oh, that's right, you're only a...

VOICE 1
Yeah. That's why I'm lying here.

TED
Hold on. I just need to get a... should I use a...

VOICE 1
Yeah, get one of those.

TED
OK. Great. Yeah. OK. One sec.

We hear a tremendous fumbling and reaching for a drawer. We hear rummaging.

TED
I know there's one in here. Aha! Here's one. No, wait. That's just an individually wrapped balloon.

More rummaging, the sound of a drawer falling over.

TED
Oh, shit, did that hit you?

VOICE 1
I'm fine.

TED
OK, I got one.

VOICE 1
Cool.

TED
OK. I'm putting it on now.

VOICE 1
Cool. Hey. You got any... any uh...

TED
Oh! Yeah. I'll spread some on in a second.

VOICE 1
Excellent.

TED
OK. Um. OK, it's on now.

VOICE 1
Awesome!

TED
Yeeeeah.

VOICE 1
Mmmm.

TED
Ooooo.

VOICE 1
Awwwww.

TED
Yeeeeeah. Shit.

VOICE 1
What?

TED
It's gotten... uh... Its not as... uh... Hold on a second.

VOICE 1
OK.

TED
Can you talk dirty for second?

VOICE 1
Oh, sure. Cock! Mmmmmmmm! Look at that cock! Let me see that big cock! Oooo that's a nice cock... cock cock cock cock cock.

TED
OK! OK, we're back in business!

VOICE 1
All right!

TED
Yeeeah! Sorry.. Its a mild allergy to the latex.

VOICE 1
No problem. C'mon lets do it!

TED
OK! MMM yeah!

VOICE 1
Yes!

TED
OK. Can I just lift these up here.

VOICE 1
Yeah. I like it that way.

TED
OK.

We hear some shifting around and positioning.

TED
You need a pillow or anything?

VOICE 1
No. It's OK.

TED
Some water? You need a drink.

VOICE 1
No.

more adjusting

TED
You sure you don't want a pillow or a blanket?

VOICE 1
FUCK ME!

TED
OK! Going in! Commencing the fucking. Here I come!

Pause. We hear a few heavy breaths as though penetration has occurred.

TED
Is... is it in?

VOICE 1
No.

TED
Damn. What is it in?

We hear an annoyed cat meow then scurry away.

VOICE 1
Here. It's right here.

TED
That.

VOICE 1
Yes

TED
That's it. The thing I'm touching with my hand?

VOICE 1
YES!

TED
OK. There. OK. I'm putting it right against that there.

pause

VOICE 1
OH!

TED
It went in!

VOICE 1
YEAH.

TED
Cool!

VOICE 1
OW YES!

TED
OK. I'm going to put it in a little farther now.

VOICE 1
OK!

TED
Are you OK?

VOICE 1
FINE!

TED
OK. It's all the way in now.

VOICE 1
OH! OK!

pause

That's really all the way in?

TED
Yeah.

VOICE 1
Bummer.

pause

VOICE 1
Do you know what time it is?

TED
Umm. 8:24.

VOICE 1
Damn!

TED
What?

VOICE 1
You're not going to believe this, but... I... I'm supposed to meet a friend for a movie in about half an hour.

TED
Oh.

VOICE 1
Yeah. Shit. I'm reeealy sorry.

TED
Oh. No. It's fine. No problem.

VOICE 1
So. Uh. Yeah so its nothing personal but I'm gonna have to take off.

TED
Oh!

VOICE 1
Yeah. My friends are really important to me, so, yeah.

TED
No it's cool. It's fine. Really. Have fun. What movie are you going to see?

VOICE 1
I'm not sure. It's at the Embarcadero, I think. British film.

TED
Oh, neat.

We hear the sounds of clothes being put on.

VOICE 1
Yeah.

TED
Yeah.

VOICE 1
OK.

TED
Yeah.

VOICE 1
OK, I'm so sorry about this.

TED
You want me to turn the light on?

VOICE 1
No, that's OK. Honestly, I think you look better in my imagination than with a light on.

TED
Oh.

VOICE 1
OK. That was... uh... really nice. I had a good time.

TED
Yeah. Yeah that was... Hey do you have a number or something?

VOICE 1
Yeah, I do. But umm. I'm sorry. Oh, shoot. I don't have a pen.

TED
I've got a pen.

VOICE 1
Hey. I've got your number. So I'll just call you, OK?

TED
OK. You sure I can't just get your...

VOICE 1
OK! So... bye! Bye bye! Take care.

TED
Bye.

He leaves, and the door shuts.

TED
Bye.

A bed lamp clicks on. TED, sitting up in a bed, pretty naked, but the sheets are covering up all the good bits.

TED
I should have known it was going to end horribly when he asked if I liked baseball caps. Goddamit. What a jerk! Asshole! Bastard! God Damn Fucking Bastard Asshole... Yoga! Yoga now!

He breathes a few deep breaths through his nose.

TED
Namaste. That's a little better. I'm feeling calm. I am an OK guy. Yeah. I'm an OK guy. I am OK!

LINDA steps onstage, talks to the audience.

LINDA
Ted's not OK.

TED
I should rent a movie or something. A comedy, maybe. Something really, really funny. Like Sophie's Choice or Coal Miner's Daughter or lots and lots of alcohol. I should be drinking lots and lots of alchohol.

LINDA
Ted Smith: 25 years old, HTML programmer, gay man, boring name. Versatile, loves body contact, making out, j/o, oral and sometimes anal with the right guy.

TED
Maybe I should take some Ecstasy. I could go out and get some and dance until the sun rises. Just keep dancing until all the naked bouncing torsos become a blur, a kaleidoscope of nipples and no body hair. Oh, God damn I hate that no body hair thing! I love my chest hair. I am not gonna laser that shit off. I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of this whole fucking... everything! What's the point?! What is the point of even trying to find some happiness? What's the frikkin...

LINDA
Ted is about to give up on all hope of finding love and contentment in his life, and settle into becoming an extremely bitter and jaded individual. He's even considering moving to Portland. Oh, I'm Linda, this play's "Lesbian friend" character. I'm hoping to get a good solid B story for me in this play, but at this point all I'm doing is talking about Ted. I hope that changes soon, or I'm changing my agent.

TED
Um, Linda, can I cut in for a second?

LINDA
Oh, fine, Ted. This is my big part of the play, and you want to "cut in."

TED
It's just I couldn't help hearing what you were saying about me and --

LINDA
No. It's fine Ted! Why don't you just take over the monologue here for a bit? I have a nice, tasty, unfinished shot of wheat grass in my dressing room, and I'll just go enjoy that while you talky talk talk to the audience, which was supposed to be my job. You see this is why... I'm so out.

She exits.

TED
Sorry! Shit. Linda's my best friend. We've been B.F.F. ever since we both came out. We met at a CHLAMYDIA meeting at school. You know, the Coalition Helping Lesbians and Men Yearn and Discuss in Anonymity? We connected instantly, like we'd both found our blankies in human form. Now, we're roommates, and we have the same Internet job, too, for the leaders of the pet product revolution.

Linda's usually pretty fun and nice, but I think she's hit a bit of a rocky patch with her girlfriend, Ketel. And she's taking it out on me, which I really can't handle because I'm like really fragile right now. Seriously, be careful even touching my arms because they'll just break in half, and its because of my thin emotional state rather than a calcium deficiency. Argh! How did I get to this horrible point in my life?!

Next Page:   Act , The Early Years   (page 3 of 8 pages)

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Table of Contents:   Meaningless

Peter Nachtrieb is a San Francisco Bay Area-based playwright, actor, and director. His solo show The Amorphous Blob, which he wrote and performed, was seen at San Francisco's Venue 9 in 1997 and at the Seattle Fringe Festival in 1998. His short play, Self Help, received the 2000 Emerging Playwright Award from Playground Theater Company in San Francisco. He is a frequent sketch comedy writer for the very popular San Francisco performance group Killing My Lobster. He has written two one-act plays, Thread and Multiplex. Meaningless his first full-length play.

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