Lodestar Quarterly

Issue 8 • Winter 2003 • Drama

Meaningless

Peter Sinn Nachtrieb

Dot of the Revolution

LINDA steps out to talk to the audience.

LINDA
I should've heard that, right then and there, and ran. But I didn't. Ted and I moved to San Francisco. Six months after arrival, we found a place, and for only 8,000 dollars a month.

Lights shift, and we are in their new apartment.

TED
Yeah, this is all right.

LINDA
Our new, pricey, faux Victorian flat.

TED
Look at that view. We can totally see all the way to the other side of the street.

LINDA
What neighborhood is this again?

TED
I don't know, I can't remember whether we're in a height, Haight, or a valley.

LINDA
(pointing out the window) Oh, look! It's an artist moving to Oakland.

TED
Oh, look at him, with his adorable posters and wheat paste.

LINDA
I've never seen a man key a Toyota Forerunner so elegantly.

TED sees a note slipped under the door.

TED
Oh, wow. Our first eviction.

LINDA
But we just moved in!

TED
Linda, you didn't give the landlord our "joke" credit report? You know the one that says we're broke and don't pay?

LINDA
You mean the real one? (to the audience) Our second place was easier to find, and not much more expensive than the first. This time we used the "not joke" credit report. The one where Ted and I are married Saudi oil billionaires. It's a decent ruse except I now have to submit my rent check while wearing a veil.

TED
Hey, Linda?

LINDA
What?

TED
If it's all right with you, and seeing that you seem to busy with an expositional monologue, I'm just going to go take a bath now and cry. Cry and stare at my total lack of sexual desire all withered up and flaccid among the bubbles. I'll be out in a few days.

TED walks off. LINDA watches him.

LINDA
(to the audience) Our water bills that year were astronomical. After we settled a bit, we found out that the time we have moved into San Francisco is some sort of boom time where this really exciting business thing is going on called the "interweb" or something like that, and that there are lots of jobs that offer great pay, cool offices, and a whole new subculture. Ted and I interviewed at one company. For better dramatic purposes, we interviewed at the same time.

BOOFIE enters. She's HR for the Internet company. Happy house music plays in the background quietly.

BOOFIE
Linda! Ted! Welcome to the new economy! Group hug! Group hug!

She gives LINDA and TED an awkward group hug.

BOOFIE
OK. This is tremendous. Let's all have a seat and chatsy chatsy. Can I get you anything from our fully stocked sub-zero fridge? Iced tea, energy drink, Odwalla, herbal supplement, ham sandwich, hormone-free milk, stew, focaccia bread, arugula and spinach salad, water-based lubricant, pot brownie, anything?

LINDA
I'm fine.

TED
I'm fine, too.

BOOFIE
Great. That was a test.

TED
What?

BOOFIE
If you'd actually taken anything, you so wouldn't have gotten this job.

LINDA
Really?

BOOFIE
No, not really! Ha ha ha! Just messing with your minds, trying to make you nervous, not really, just relax, we're totally laid back here.

TED
Yeah. It seems like a really nice atmosphere.

BOOFIE
Atmosphere is what we're all about, Ted. Its what the entire Internet is all about. It's about experiencing life, enjoying its little delicious mysteries, feeling like a kid while at the same time working for The Man. It's about having fun, and working longer than expected hours. But those extra hours just stream right by because of our live DJ and happy endless house music beat pumping you through that late night coding and strategizing. Sure, you can't pursue anything else. Sure you can't have a hobby or other friends, but that's OK because it's all here. It's all right here in our office.

TED
So what is it that your company does?

BOOFIE
Ted, Linda. You are sitting in the offices of a company that is on the cutting edge of technology and innovation.

LINDA
Wow.

BOOFIE
"Wow" indeed, Linda. And "Wow" to you as well, Teddy.

TED
Ted. So what is it that your company does?

BOOFIE
We are makers of a revolution, Ted. We are part of something huge. Enormous! And you can be a part of it. We're really well-funded and we'll probably be public in just a few short months. Our company has been labeled "hot" by all the Internet trades, and one of them even called us "hot and spicy." Did I mention all the options you get?

LINDA
You mean like power steering and windows?

BOOFIE
Oh ha ha ha ha! Ha ha Linda! We love a sense of humor. We love that. Are you a lesbian?

LINDA
Yes, but why...

BOOFIE
Oh that would be so exciting to have a lesbian here! We love lesbians, and we don't have one, it would be great to have you fill that void. (to TED) And you, clearly you are a big homo.

TED
What? Wait, how did you know that? I'm very straight-acting.

BOOFIE
Looks like someone needs another acting class. Ha ha ha ha.

TED
(to LINDA) But how... I'm not sibilant. I don't speak with any lisp, do I, Linda? What is it? What tips it off to everyone?

LINDA
What doesn't, Ted?

BOOFIE
Ha ha ha ha.

TED
Great.

BOOFIE
Oh, God damnit! I really like you guys. You guys are just so perky and filled with that youthful je ne sais quoi that makes us here in the Internet industry just throw our hands in the air and shout "SUV!" We'd really love to have you here. Let me just ask a few things here. Do you have any skills?

TED and LINDA
No.

BOOFIE
That's totally fine! We'll can train you on that. You went to an east coast college, though, right?

TED and LINDA
Yes.

BOOFIE
Wonderful! Do either of you know what carpal tunnel syndrome is?

TED and LINDA
No.

BOOFIE
Excellent. Let's keep it that way. OK. Let me see. Just one final question for you: Favorite band?

TED and LINDA
Radiohead.

BOOFIE
Welcome to the revolution! You are in! Welcome to the company we want you so so so bad.

TED
That's it? It's that easy?

BOOFIE
Well, Ted and Linda, you are the only two unemployed people in the entire city of San Francisco, so it's not like our choices are that vast.

She hands them large HTML books.

So, here are your HTML books. Learn this stuff, and, why don't you start on Monday?

LINDA
Hey, what about salary? You never told us how much we'd...

BOOFIE
How's this?

She writes a number on a piece of paper and passes it to LINDA and TED.

LINDA
Viva la revolución!

TED
Hey we get dental dams with this job!

LINDA
That's dental plan. Dental plan, Ted.

TED
Oh. Silly me.

They all laugh and then freeze for a moment as though its the end of a sitcom. TED runs up to the audience.

TED
I love HTML. This is perfect. An all-consuming job, working as hard as I did in college, but this time, I am selling kitty litter to a wired world! Hours of work where my brain doesn't have to think about anything else at all, like, Jan.

AHHH! I just thought of him!

JAN appears upstage and stares at TED.

AHH! There he is! Get out! Get out of my mind!

JAN waves.

Damn it. I have to get back to work.

TED exits. Crossfade to LINDA.

LINDA
At this point, I was doing quite well. You know what I'm saying, right? I was doin' "really well"... Oh yeah. I called her Ketel One, to commemorate how we first met. She worked only two converted warehouses down in another interweb gopher company, and she was a programmer, oh my God that turned me on.

KETEL ONE walks on.

KETEL ONE
Hello my little applet.

LINDA
Mmmm hello, sexy Perl!

KETEL ONE
(sexily) Java. C++. Linux Linux Linux.

LINDA
Mmm, I love your object-oriented dirty talk!

They smooch.

KETEL
Hey, I wanted to use the bathroom, but your roommate's been in there for a half hour.

LINDA
Oh, no.

KETEL
What's he doing in there?

LINDA
You don't really want to know do you?

Lights up on TED, sitting on the can, pants along the ankles, trying to read a Pottery Barn catalog.

TED
I will not think of Jan while I use the bathroom, even though it was a bathroom where we first....where we first found each other....Oh wow, who knew that a little hole in between two stalls would lead to such passion such love such happ... OK, Strength! Focus!

JAN appears from behind the toilet, holding toilet paper and lube.

JAN
Lube?

TED
Ahhhh!

JAN
I brought some napkins to clean up afterwards.

TED
Stay away! Stay away from me with your naughty lube! I don't want you in my life anymore. I'm over you! Seriously, I am so over you!

JAN
I re-charged the battery today.

TED
Ahhhhhhh!

a knock on the door

LINDA's VOICE
OK, there are others that have life functions in the household.

TED
Aaaaaah! I can't take it anymore! Make Jan go away!

LINDA's VOICE
Are you taking my Darvocet again?

TED
I wish.

JAN
I would like to fondle you.

TED
Shut up!

LINDA's VOICE
Don't tell me to shut up!

TED
No, not you. I'm talking to...oh never mind. I'll be out in a second.

LINDA's VOICE
And don't pee on the seat. We sit on that, you know.

TED
Are accusing me of bad aim?

JAN
You want to see my Prince Albert again?

TED
Fie! Fie! Away with thou!

Dramatic music underscores the following pledge.

TED
I must redouble my efforts to rid Jan from my life. Anytime I think about love, sex, or any emotion, I think of him. I have to stop thinking of Jan.

Therefore, I need to stop thinking about love and sex altogether! Yes! From now on, I will be celibate, monastic, and my only pleasure will be derived from e-commerce.

JAN
I'm touching my balls. Would you like to touch them?

TED
Shhhh!

Crossfade to LINDA.

LINDA
Ted doubled his hours at work. He wore baggy clothes. He cancelled his subscription to XY magazine. I grabbed a drink with him later that week at our local bar, The Irony Couch, after a "launch party."

TED sits at a bar booth sipping a Manhattan, LINDA's martini next to him. Light house music plays in the background. LINDA sits next to him and plunks down two shots.

TED
Shots?

LINDA
Ketel's working late again.

TED
Oh, it's blue!

LINDA
Infused vodka.

TED
What does that mean?

LINDA
It means they were 8 dollars each. Enjoy.

TED
L'chayim.

They toast and down their shots.

TED
Ahh, another day, another launch, another crazy party.

LINDA
That one sucked.

TED
Yeah. Journey just isn't the same without Steve Perry.

LINDA
And the food! I am sick of satay, sushi, and tapas.

TED
The blood sausage was really good.

LINDA
Did you hear that engineer guy, Armando? He would not stop talking to me about his sudden wealth syndrome and how Palo Alto is such a lonely city for a single man. I told him I'm a dyke and a communist, but that just gave him an erection.

TED
Can you believe how young the CEO was?

LINDA
Well, I'm guessing 12, seeing as he didn't have any pubic hair. It's kind of sickening, what's going on here. Something doesn't feel right about this.

TED
What, that you're a communist dyke who makes 50K a year?

LINDA
Well, yeah, basically. I mean, I totally hate yuppies, but all the yuppies in this city look like me.

TED
Linda, don't worry. Yuppies are only the ones in sales and marketing. We, on the other hand, are building the bridge to the 21st century.

LINDA
Coding a "Puppy Chow Sweepstakes" mini-site does not feel like bridge-building.

TED
Well, you have to look at the forest for the trees. Look at that cat food tree in perspective of the vast worldwide canopy of commerce we are cultivating.

LINDA
Now I'm really depressed.

TED
Awww.

LINDA
I just want to be with Ketel right now. In bed, holding each other and giggling and kissing, telling stories in hushed tones and licking. I mean that's what's really important...

TED
Ahhhh love, I remember that.

LINDA
Ted, its "No-Self-Pity Thursday," remember.

TED
Oh there's no pity here. I'm just recalling love. Its something I've moved beyond.

LINDA
Oh.

TED
I've cleared my mind of emotions so that I may be a honed instrument of cutting-edgedness.

LINDA
That's not a word.

TED
New words for a new world, Linda! How exciting it is to be alive at this time, to be part of the digital revolution. It's so much better than love and sex.

LINDA
What?

TED
Seriously, sweet nothings and blow jobs pale in comparison to reinventing the global marketplace.

LINDA
Oh Ted, you just need to find someone with full lips.

TED
You're missing the point.

LINDA
What, that you're happy being a eunuch cyborg?

TED
No, that I'm happy! That a computer network and being on it for 80 plus hours a week extracts more pleasure from my soul than a thousand orgasms. I'm spent Linda, and I'm saving my next load for e-commerce. Why, I bet you, even if some drop-dead gorgeous guy, shirtless and sweating with a glorious smooth chest and boyishly handsome cute face walked by, I wouldn't even turn my head.

LINDA
Oh, really?

TED
Yeah, totally.

A drop dead GORGEOUS GUY shirtless and sweating with a glorious smooth chest and boyishly handsome cute face walks up to TED and LINDA's table. TED sees him approach, and turns his head away, not looking at the guy.

GORGEOUS GUY
(To TED) Excuse me, I was wondering if that drink you were having was any good?

TED remains silent looking away.

LINDA
Ted?

TED
Yes it was very good thank you very much have a nice day take care now.

GORGEOUS GUY
Cool.

He tries to get eye contact.

So, uh, what kind of drink was it?

TED
A Manhattan, up, thank you very much now go on your way please continue on with your life of bodily desire and I will with mine, God bless America.

LINDA
I'm so sorry. I think my friend here has given up sexual attraction for Lent this year.

GORGEOUS GUY
But it's October.

LINDA
It's a special pre-millennial super Lent.

GORGEOUS GUY
Oh. Right. Well, sorry to disturb you. Have a good night.

He exits.

TED
(still with his head turned away) Is he gone?

LINDA
Yes. He kind of reminded me of Jan.

TED
That's just because the theater can't afford another actor. See, Linda? If we had bet, I'd so have a little more cash right now. Not even the most beautiful... Holy Jesus lord Mary Christmas he was hot I just want to gnaw on his little... (recomposing himself) NO Godammit NO... focus... remember the revolution... Mind over man sex... keep the dream alive... Must keep penis shriveled small and not important except for bathroom things. This is the new Ted. If you want to change who you are, you can!

LINDA stares at the audience.

LINDA
So, for the next year, Ted repressed any sexual desire he had. A quick montage of Ted's home life during the year of celibacy, in all its breathtaking glory.

TED plays solitaire.

Blackout.

TED reads a biography of Richard Nixon.

Blackout.

TED paints a desert landscape.

Blackout.

TED eats a loud, very dry, cracker.

Blackout.

TED reads Forbes or The Mercury News or something. His hand reaches down and touches his crotch. Realizing what he's doing, he flogs himself with a cat o' nine tails or a Tazer like that for having an impure thought.

LINDA
At this point, Ted totally would have put on the sweatpants, purple shroud and Nikes and headed to the Hale Bopp comet himself. One year passed. A year of dotcoma, sexual repression, and a minor thrill taken from the presence of a potential computer glitch that everyone was convinced would lead to the apocalypse. And as a bonus Ted disliked Ketel, the love of my life, and never hesitated to talk about it.

Special up on TED.

TED
It's just that I didn't know you were a wide hip fetishist, Linda. That usually is a turn-off for most people. But, you go! Someone has to eat the pears, I guess.

Special down.

LINDA
Now he was a bitchy cyborg eunuch. Then, on a rainy January Sunday, the dam burst.

Next Page:   Act , Dam Burst   (page 5 of 8 pages)

All Pages:   See the entire play on one page

Table of Contents:   Meaningless

Peter Nachtrieb is a San Francisco Bay Area-based playwright, actor, and director. His solo show The Amorphous Blob, which he wrote and performed, was seen at San Francisco's Venue 9 in 1997 and at the Seattle Fringe Festival in 1998. His short play, Self Help, received the 2000 Emerging Playwright Award from Playground Theater Company in San Francisco. He is a frequent sketch comedy writer for the very popular San Francisco performance group Killing My Lobster. He has written two one-act plays, Thread and Multiplex. Meaningless his first full-length play.

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