Lodestar Quarterly

Issue 8 • Winter 2003 • Drama

Meaningless

Peter Sinn Nachtrieb

Dam Burst

Crossfade to TED in front of a computer screen. He's using a Web browser.

TED
Oh, hello. I'm just about to check out this cool academic site I heard about, its called MANSE dot com, m a n s e, the Massachusetts Association of Nomenclature in Science and Engineering. I think I've always loved Nomenclature since I was a little boy I can't believe there's a site about it. Anyway. w... w... w... dot... m... a... n... s... e...

short pause

... x... dot... com OK. Show me the nomenclature.

A gay porn Web site blips on the screen.

This is not nomenclature. Oh my God. No... Wait, hold on. Did something in my brain unwittingly add an x to the m a n s e making manse... Oh my God, this is pornography.

horrified

That is a naked man! That is a naked man!

becoming engrossed and turned on

That is a naked man. Naked naked naked tender skin bone structure in face so firm and masculine so nicely formed in the pectoral muscle trimmed pubes touch the skin but it's virtual but so beautiful naked big uncut manhood. No! Must stop! News site! Must find a news site fast... must see starving children mad cows Balkan blight... fast supple moist yummy eye feast more pictures click here.

He begins to click furiously.

A sign pops out that says "THREE HOURS LATER." TED is ravenously glued to the computer screen, clicking like a madman.

TED
So... much... nudity... So much overload of arousal... So many beautiful acts of group sex. Must... turn off the computer... Must try to regain control... Must read clinical novel.

He turns off the screen and, in a daze, stands up and walks into the living room where LINDA and KETEL ONE are sitting together kind of cuddly on the couch. TED sits in another chair with a book entitled That Amazing Peat Moss.

TED
Read. Return to stability now. Asexuality and spores, take me away.

KETEL
(To LINDA) I love you.

LINDA
I love you.

KETEL
I love you more.

LINDA
No, I love you more.

KETEL
I love you so much more.

LINDA
I love you this much.

KETEL
That's a lot, but I love you this much.

LINDA
That's so much!

KETEL
I know.

LINDA
I can love you that much, too.

KETEL
It's so much love we have.

LINDA
Oh, you. Don't make me tickle you.

KETEL
Nooo! Not the tickles!

LINDA tickles KETEL.

LINDA
Tickle tickle.

KETEL
Oh, hee hee hee. Stop! I love laughing with you.

LINDA
I love laughing.

KETEL
I love you.

LINDA
I love you.

TED
Please stop the loving. I'm desperately trying to regain control right now.

KETEL
Whoa. Someone's not getting any. Ted, why don't you head over to Good Vibrations and get something to vibrate your little problems away.

LINDA and KETEL laugh uproariously.

LINDA
Amen to that, Ketel. You are so funny.

TED
Please, you lesbians must cease any sort of affection with each other, or I cannot be responsible for any actions I may do.

LINDA
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

KETEL
"You lesbians." That was so offensive.

LINDA
Your smell heals all the pain of his remark.

KETEL
No. Your eyes do.

LINDA
Your whole being does.

KETEL
God, I love you.

LINDA
I love you.

TED
All right! That's it! NO MORE! I QUIT! THE YEAR OF CELIBACY IS TERMINATED! My groin is growing its own rebellious mind like a horny confederate soldier, ready to secede and form its own penile nation. I'm getting laid tonight! I'm going out there and finding someone who is going to want me so bad, not for my personality, no, but because I am hot! Here begins the new Ted, TED 2K! Ted the sex passion man lover! Ted the largest mouth west of the Mississippi.

KETEL
That's disgusting.

LINDA
I've seen bigger.

TED
No more talking!. My vinyl pants must be pressed, the loving must be had.

LINDA
Oh, no. One year of sexual repression has made my very own roommate a walking Mount St. Helens.

KETEL
Can't you lock him up or put a rubber ball in his mouth or something?

TED
Oh, shut your hymen, Ketel. You can't lock up this beast. I must go forth and unleash my cylindrical love candle. Now, where do I go find the sex?

LINDA
Where do you find it?

TED
Yes! Where does one go in San Francisco to find hot raw male naughty buddies? I've never even been out to a gay bar since we've been here. Do they even have gay bars in San Francisco?

LINDA
Only enough gay bars to make straight men nervous about moving here for fear of tarnishing their reputation at home.

KETEL
(to LINDA) And I thought you were naïve.

TED
Why do you jest? Why do you taunt my tortured horny soul? A soul that needs to be touched, physically, preferably by as many people as possible at the same time.

LINDA
Sorry, he gets a little out of control sometimes.

KETEL
Does the word "bipolar" have any significance in this household?

TED
You weren't touched enough as a baby, were you, Ketel?

KETEL
You wanna take this outside, Ted?

TED
No, because you'd kick my ass.

LINDA
Enough! The Castro is that way, why don't you start there.

TED
The "Castro"? Oooo. I like that name. Sounds so macho, so full of masculinity. Is it an all-gay neighborhood, or one of the last remaining Irish strongholds?

KETEL
This is sad.

LINDA
Be nice.

TED
I will go to this "Castro." I will find the other homosexuals of this city, and I will talk to them, share feelings with them. But not in spoken language. I will talk to them in drunken dancing love language.

LINDA
Go get 'em, tiger.

KETEL
Don't forget your Saran wrap.

TED
Farewell. My poo-nani-nani awaits. Ted is back on the meat market!

TED exits triumphantly. Moments later, TED returns.

TED
On second thought, I think I'm really tired I'm just going to go to sleep.

LINDA
GET OUT!

TED
On second thought I'm going to go out there and find the love and passion. Bring on the sexvalanche.

He leaves for good this time.

KETEL
Sexvalanche?

LINDA
Watch out for falling cocks.

KETEL
I'm terrified, frankly, for the gay community. This could set back the entire movement.

LINDA
I'm just plain terrified.

Crossfade to spot on TED.

TED
Here I go. Stay strong, Ted. Head up high. Go the distance. If you build it, they will come. Or maybe I will if I'm really lucky. My stomach is folding itself in half. What if someone touches me? That would be so real! I don't know if I can handle that. I don't know if I can be with someone else. I've only been with one man my whole life. Jan. Maybe he was the only one. Maybe that's it for me. I had my wonderful relationship. I had the best time ever and everything in the future means nothing. No! I am an adult. I am over him. I will now have some quality poontang. Then I will be free! I'm shaking. Perhaps I should revert to the classic method of dealing with one's personal inadequacies. Just a little courage, and then I will accept the booty with open arms.

He pulls out a bottle of whiskey.

Excuse me for a minute, I just need to drink this whole thing...

The lights fade out slowly as music rises, and TED continues to drink way, way too much.

End of Act 1

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Table of Contents:   Meaningless

Peter Nachtrieb is a San Francisco Bay Area-based playwright, actor, and director. His solo show The Amorphous Blob, which he wrote and performed, was seen at San Francisco's Venue 9 in 1997 and at the Seattle Fringe Festival in 1998. His short play, Self Help, received the 2000 Emerging Playwright Award from Playground Theater Company in San Francisco. He is a frequent sketch comedy writer for the very popular San Francisco performance group Killing My Lobster. He has written two one-act plays, Thread and Multiplex. Meaningless his first full-length play.

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