Lodestar Quarterly

Issue 11 • Fall 2004 • Featured Writer • Drama

Girls in Boys' Pants

Kato McNickle

Scene 1

Scene 1

(An overture. Of sorts. the CHORUS.)

(One of the men from the CHORUS parades on a fashion runway, not speaking. Showing off the details of his pants.)

CHORUS (One man and two women, into a microphone.)

100% cotton

Relaxed fit

Sits at the natural waist

Roomy seat and thighs

Fuller leg with slight taper at the ankle

Hidden credit card pocket

Contrasting inside waist band

Twill tape hanger loop for easy hanging

All seams are double-stitched for strength

Machine wash

Imported

(Darkness. An open space that will be many things. Right now it's a college art studio. After dark.)

(The four members of the CHORUS are present. They will become the creation. They breathe as one, slowly, carefully, their mouths gaping. Anticipation. In. Out.

In.


Out.




In.


They hold their breath and become still as the light reveals SOPHIA, who stands in front of them, looking forward. At the canvas. She holds a palette and several brushes. She wears a tank-top sans bra and men's khaki trousers cinched at the waist with a wide leather belt. She speaks matter-of-factly.)

SOPHIA
Art.

CHORUS
Art.

CHORUS
Artsy.

CHORUS
Artist.

CHORUS
Art.

SOPHIA
Making art.

(SOPHIA dabs paint onto a brush.)

CHORUS
Artisan.

CHORUS
Artsy-fartsy.

CHORUS
Artist.

CHORUS
Art.

SOPHIA
At its best--

(She makes a broad stroke with the brush. Individuals in the CHORUS stretch and shape with each corresponding stroke.)

CHORUS
Leonardo.

CHORUS
Michelangelo.

CHORUS
Picasso.

CHORUS
O'Keefe.

(stroke)

SOPHIA
flows from the hands

(stroke)

CHORUS
Rubens.

CHORUS
Raphael.

CHORUS
Renoir.

CHORUS
rar-rar-ren-rer-ro- O'Keefe.

(stroke . stroke)

SOPHIA
without going thru the brain. without distillation thru active thought.

(stroke)

CHORUS
Manet.

(stroke)

CHORUS
Monet.

(stroke)

CHORUS
Delacroix.

(stroke . stroke . stroke stroke stroke)

CHORUS (speaking with the above noted strokes)
oh - oh - o o O'Keefe?

(stroke)

(SOPHIA continues to paint, the chorus becoming the painting. DANNI appears. Her hair is cropped short, she wears khaki pants, a tucked-in button-down-shirt and a wide necktie, looking more like a journalist a la 1940 than the present day. She lights a cigarette as the light finds her.)

DANNI
Artists. Art. Artistes. Artsy-fartsy. If you ask me. Never much understood art. Fine art. Just not something I understand. Oh. Commercial Art. I understand that. But Fine Art? I took a class. Art Appreciation. Ever had to write a paper about a woman artist? A non-twentieth-century woman artist? If you ever have, then you know the one. There's one everybody writes about. Just one. And she's an amazing story. Know who I mean? If you know art, then you know who I mean.

CHORUS
Artemisia.

DANNI & CHORUS
Artemisia Gentileschi.

DANNI
That's her. Her father was an artist, so that helped. A follower of Caravaggio. That helped too. She was the first woman to ever be admitted to the Art School in Florence. She is most famous for having been raped by one of her teachers and later painting her master-work Judith and the Head of Holofernes, which depicted the death of a man who looked very much like her old art teacher. Now there's some art that means something. If you ask me.

(The light becomes inclusive.)

So what is this?

SOPHIA
Are you smoking? You can't smoke--

DANNI
I know -- it's bad for me.

SOPHIA
It's bad for the paintings. You can't smoke in here at all.

DANNI
Oh. Right. Public building.

(DANNI snuffs out the cigarette against the sole of her shoe and places it back in the pack.)

They're expensive.

SOPHIA
It's against the law.

DANNI
And expensive.

SOPHIA
These materials are flammable. Why are you here?

(DANNI takes out a small tape recorder, clicking it on.)

DANNI
Interview. For a story. About art on campus. The content of art. So what is this?

SOPHIA
It's my work.

DANNI
It's big.

SOPHIA
It isn't finished.

DANNI
But what's it going -- what's the plan? Is there a plan?

SOPHIA
A general framework.

DANNI
A framework?

SOPHIA
I don't like to set limits. On my work. Predisposed limitations. The medium is limit enough.

DANNI
Huh.

SOPHIA
Color and two-dimensional canvas. That's already limiting.

DANNI
If it's limiting you, then why not do something else?

SOPHIA
Who are you?

DANNI
I'm from the paper.

SOPHIA
But who are you?

DANNI
Danni Buzz. From the "Danni Buzz Column." Read it?

SOPHIA
That can't be your real name.

DANNI
It's short. For "Danielle."

SOPHIA
Uh-huh.

DANNI
Naw, really.

SOPHIA
I'm busy. I have to do this.

DANNI
And you are...?

SOPHIA
Busy.

DANNI
Name?

SOPHIA
Why?

DANNI
The article.

SOPHIA
Sophia.

DANNI
And...?

SOPHIA
Just put "Sophia."

DANNI
Very. Artsy.

SOPHIA
What?

DANNI
Your art--

SOPHIA
I'm working--

DANNI
I mean, what is it?

SOPHIA
It's beautiful. I create beauty.

DANNI
Uh-huh.

SOPHIA
Look. It isn't finished.

DANNI
What about content? What's your art about?

SOPHIA
It's about -- me, I guess.

DANNI
Are you that interesting?

SOPHIA
Why are you here?

DANNI
The article.

SOPHIA
I'm learning. I'm a student.

DANNI
Art major?

SOPHIA
Of course.

DANNI
Year?

SOPHIA
Fourth.

DANNI
You cold?

SOPHIA
What?

DANNI
You look -- cold.

(DANNI grins, just a little. SOPHIA realizes that she is wearing only an undershirt and grabs up an overshirt and puts it on as she speaks.)

SOPHIA
Working keeps me warm.

DANNI
Let me ask you more about your art.

SOPHIA
I have to finish.

DANNI
I find it fascinating. It's for the article. Here. I'll buy you something warm. Coffee?

SOPHIA
Coffee?

DANNI
Talk over coffee? Down the road? Take forty minutes? Make you famous.

SOPHIA
Forty minutes.

(SOPHIA and DANNI sit at a cafe table, the tape recorder between them. The CHORUS reads aloud from a newspaper, alternating lines of speech, occasionally speaking together.)

(SOPHIA goes to the CHORUS, looking at her art, not quite touching its surface.)

(DANNI clicks off the tape recorder. SOPHIA takes the paper and looks at the story. DANNI is served a coffee by one of the CHORUS. The rest of the CHORUS gets coffee too, one of them plays guitar. SOPHIA storms past the coffee shop, sees DANNI and moves in, shaking the newspaper. Occasionally, but not too often, the guitar might act as a voice commenting on some of the spoken moments during the following dialogue.)

SOPHIA
What -- what -- what -- ?!

DANNI
You read the article?

SOPHIA
It's -- it's -- it's --!

DANNI
Wanna coffee?

SOPHIA
No -- no -- no.

DANNI
I'll buy--

SOPHIA
What makes you think -- what gives you the right -- why are you doing this to me? Why did you do this?

DANNI
I wrote what I saw.

SOPHIA
You totally misrepresented everything I said to you. Everything I said--

DANNI
Were you misquoted?

SOPHIA
Context.

DANNI
Context?

SOPHIA
You made me sound -- I made it sound -- you twisted everything!

DANNI
I didn't change the context. That's what you said. You said--

SOPHIA
But you twisted it. You twisted in -- those points. Those other things. Your points! You made me sound--

DANNI
Trivial.

SOPHIA
Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Trivial. My art is not trivial.

DANNI
It's not?

SOPHIA
No. It means something.

DANNI
What?

SOPHIA
What?

DANNI
What does it mean?

SOPHIA
It means -- it means -- it's -- me. It's me.

DANNI
Yeah. Well. That's my point. That's trivial.

SOPHIA
A human being is trivial?

DANNI
Context. Why don't you sit. Have a coffee.

SOPHIA
I'm not -- I wouldn't -- I'm not going to sit with you.

DANNI
Suit yourself.

SOPHIA
Maybe I'll -- maybe I'll -- write a letter -- to the editor. Or something.

DANNI
Make a statement. Take a stand. Cool. You like martinis?

SOPHIA
I don't know -- what?

DANNI
I like martinis and was thinking. I know this place and we could--

SOPHIA
I'm not talking to you.

DANNI
Well. You. Are.

SOPHIA
Stop talking.

DANNI
You could leave--

SOPHIA
Stop talking.

(DANNI sips her coffee. SOPHIA doesn't move. DANNI finishes her coffee and leaves. SOPHIA watches her go. DANNI doesn't. She doesn't even wave. Just leaves. Purposefully not watching. The table is removed. The guitar is put away. A member of the chorus shakes a can of spray paint and faux paints something on the ground.

SOPHIA looks at the ground ahead of her, shocked, as do several members of the CHORUS. A chorus member takes pictures of the ground and of SOPHIA. She blinks at him. DANNI approaches from behind. She looks at the ground and then to SOPHIA. SOPHIA is startled when she speaks.)

DANNI
So you're Sophia. The "Sophia" I mean. Sophia of the Sidewalk.

CHORUS
Sophia. U. R. Hot-ta-taaa.

DANNI
"Sssoooooopppphhhhhiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaa--" It's big. See? You're famous. And you have a potential stalker or umm admirer.

(The camera clicks again. SOPHIA pushes the camera away. The crowd moves on. The camera guy leaves.)

SOPHIA
I don't need this.

(DANNI writes in a spiral bound pad.)

DANNI
Not much of a poet, though. "Sophia U R hot" I do like the letter "U" instead of the word "you" and just the "R" for the whole unnecessary clutter of the overused verbage "are." Cuts right to the chase. You have a boyfriend?

SOPHIA
I do not know who did this. And what are you -- what are you -- why are you here?

DANNI
Danni Buzz. I work for the paper and you are today's news, baby.

SOPHIA
Haven't you done enough to me already?

(DANNI gets close to the ground. Touches the letters.)

DANNI
So what's the -- what is the term? -- medium. Yeah. That's it. Medium. Seems to be "spray paint."

(DANNI stands back up.)

A regular Picasso this stalker slash admirer of yours. Do you have a boyfriend? Seeing anyone?

SOPHIA
Are you putting that in the paper too?

DANNI
Maybe he's got a rival. Maybe he'd know something.

SOPHIA
Why do you want to ruin my life? What did I ever do to you?

DANNI
Background for the story. I'd wanna get him . for a comment . for the story. It's thorough journalism. My job. I'm a reporter. An observer of facts. You have a boyfriend?

SOPHIA
You ever wear a dress?

DANNI
That's not part of the story. You have a boyfriend? That is.

SOPHIA
No.

(DANNI writes it down. Looks at SOPHIA.)

DANNI
"No." And. No. The dress. You drink martinis? I'll buy.

SOPHIA
I've never. I don't. Know.

DANNI
Is that "no" -- N -- O -- or "know" -- you don't know -- you know, with a K, if you like them?

SOPHIA
I don't. Know.

(DANNI tries to decide. Whatever. Tears off a leaf of paper from the pad.)

DANNI
Here. That's the place. That's the time. Be there. I'll be there. So if it's "no" -- N -- O, then, I'll see you around maybe sometime around campus or something maybe at a football game or something sometime or alumni reunion or something like that ten years from now or so. But if it's "know" -- not knowing but wanna try... then I'll see you there. Tonight. At eight. O'clock. 'kay?

SOPHIA
Why are you doing this to me?

DANNI
What am I doing to you?

SOPHIA
Nothing. I guess.

DANNI
I'm doing my job.

SOPHIA
Your job?

DANNI
I. Want to learn your content. For. Context. The story.

SOPHIA
Oh. That's your job.

DANNI
We can discuss. We'll talk about. Ever hear of Artemisia Gentileschi?

SOPHIA
Oh! I. Wrote. A paper about her. For--

SOPHIA / DANNI / CHORUS
Art Appreciation.

DANNI
Art. Appreciation.

CHORUS
Art. Appreciation.

SOPHIA
Yeah. Art. Appreciation. It was a pre-major requirement.

Next Page:   Scene 2   (page 2 of 2 pages)

All Pages:   See the entire play on one page

Table of Contents:   Girls in Boys' Pants

Kato McNickle is a playwright, artist, and director. Her plays have won numerous awards, including a Spirit of Broadway Award and the 2003 Robert Lehan Playwriting Award. She is a 2003 Ensemble Studio Theatre New Voices Fellow. Her short play "Bull!" will be presented in The Beast Festival in NYC October 2004, and a monologue from To Die For Want Of Lobster will be included in an upcoming collection of best monologues from Smith and Kraus. Visit her on the Web at members.aol.com/katomcnick [link defunct]. She works well with dogs and teenagers and can wrangle most livestock.

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