Issue 2 • Summer 2002 • Featured Writer • Poetry

Magdalena

Emanuel Xavier

Mami/I remember your dyed blonde hair/your milky white skin/your really bad accent/your small stature/the violent outbursts/pointing out the negatives in me/shuddering at the sound of your voice/the sound of your anger/your fist/never too far away

Your words/stabs/deep into my fatherless flesh/reminding me/always reminding me/that you were all I had/for a mother/for a father/my stepfather/your boyfriend/striking/the final blows/destroying me/as if he were my father/destroying you/as if he were your father

Mami/I remember happy times/things weren't always bad/there were times we would laugh about your leaving him/even though you'd soon take him back/they were brief lapses of happiness/before the cycle would begin again/I remember how proud you were of me/getting good grades/in spite of the abuse/even I was impressed/or was that repressed/in spite of all the pain/while you longed to be so strong/to deny your existence/the reality that we called home

I remember trips to Ecuador/Puerto Rico/Disney/Cancun/Cancun where you finally sensed something was wrong with me/that I had broken up with someone/but what was wrong with falling in love with another man/so what if he was HIV positive/so what if we had unsafe sex/so what if he was a crack addict/so what if he was cheating on me/so what/and what was wrong with then falling in love with an abusive drug dealer/what was wrong with falling in love with younger boys/older men/what was wrong with giving myself away to many men/many older men/the price was right/I needed a place to stay/you threw me out at sixteen/the piers get cold in the winter/what was wrong with wanting to be loved/with wanting to be in love/falling in love with all the wrong men/what was wrong with that

Mami/I remember returning home several years later/surviving the streets to reach nineteen/watching you grow tired and old/working all day at the factory/you never wanted to be a welfare mom/coming home to this misery/to throw some half-hearted dinner together/your boyfriend too old to lay a hand on me/on you/afraid to lock into the hatred in my eyes/remembering the time he fucked up and called you Magdalena-his mistresses name/that was the last time he laid a hand on you/the day I beat the shit out of him/the day he realized I would kill him if he evah touched you again/if he evah touched me again/ that way

I remember your stories about my real father/the one man I probably never slept with/that look in your eyes/that glow on your face/whenever you spoke of him/like you really truly deeply loved him/with all your heart/before he abandoned you/these are the times I understand your anger/your wrath/your hatred toward me/not that you want to/you can't help it/it hurts/your pain/every time you look into my face/and you see him

Mami/there were good times/I know there were good times/there were great times/but my memories hold prejudices too stubborn to leave me alone

I am still a child/I can still hear your boyfriend/not my stepfather/not my father/in the kitchen/rustling about like a rat in heat/eating away at his life/belching and farting for me to hear/to hate him/to feel his presence/cringing/every time the door unlocks and he enters/I want so much for him to die/to leave us alone/to stop invading my memories/to free me from this oppression/this white supremacy/this is my cross/my hatred toward white supremacy/not whites/supremacy/his white skin/his jokes about blacks/about negros/about cholos/about maricones/about cachaperas/he is latino/but he is white/I am trigueño/I am half Puerto Rican/my real father was Puerto Rican/they are his main hatred/those fuckin' boricuas/those fuckin' jibaros/he swears he is white/he can pass/yet his heart is darker than any skin/I want so much for him to die

Mami/I want to write you a happy poem/a loving poem/dedicate it to you/with all my heart and soul/but I can't Mami/it is Mother's Day/all I can think about is this pain/all I can think about is the last man that hurt me/all I know is anger/it is where everything comes from/every time I fall in love/I am reminded of this anger/it is my solace/it is my comfort/it is my peace/it is my strength in letting go

I reach out to touch my boyfriend/he pulls away/I ask to be held/he refuses/remains guarded/I share with him my story/he tells me I need therapy/pulls the sheets away from me/I fall asleep/wake up frozen/he is gone/gone to be with his Magdalena

Emanuel Xavier is the author of poetry collections Pier Queen and Americano and the novel Christlike, and he is the editor of Bullets & Butterflies: queer spoken word poetry. He is also the founder of the House of Xavier and creator of the annual Glam Slam competition. He has appeared on television as a host of In The Life, on Russell Simmons presents Def Poetry, and he has co-starred in the feature film The Ski Trip. He is a recipient of the Marsha A. Gomez Cultural Heritage Award and a New York City Council citation.

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