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Issue 19 • Fall 2006 • Featured Writer • Drama
syzygyMichael GriffoScene 9LYNDON and CHARLIE are sitting SL on the couch or chairs, each holding another martini glass filled with a pink liquid. They both have their legs crossed and look like a mini Greek gay chorus. BOBBY is sitting on the floor arranging Wheat Thins crackers to spell out Happy Birthday Alex on a plastic orange tray. BOBBY I am such a loser! LYNDON Pourquoi? BOBBY I ran out of Wheat Thins! CHARLIE That's okay, I'm more of a Triscuit man myself. BOBBY No! The night of Alex's thirtieth birthday he went to some work thing and had Cosmo after Cosmo, but the only food was greasy hors d'oeurves served on Wheat Thins. Later on while Alex was blowing one of the waiters, he threw up all the Wheat Thins. CHARLIE Gross! The guy must've been furious. LYNDON But notice how neither one of us blinked an eye at the phrase "while Alex was blowing one of the waiters." BOBBY The point is that Alex equates Wheat Thins with getting sick and won't be so eager to drink if they're around. So I thought I would spell out Happy Birthday Alex in Wheat Thins to quench his thirst. I only made it to Happy Birt. CHARLIE (PAUSE) That's your plan? BOBBY Well part of it. CHARLIE That's like giving the little Dutch boy Scotch Tape. BOBBY Charlie, I'm trying. CHARLIE I know you are but ... Wheat Thins? LYNDON Have I ever told you about the time I met Sandy Duncan? SFX: Doorbell rings. BOBBY That must be Joette. LYNDON Speaking of a girl with a disability. BOBBY buzzes the buzzer. CHARLIE I hope she's not her usual austere self.
JOETTE (OS)
LYNDON Sounds like she's transformed herself into the Singing Fag Hag. BOBBY (INTO THE INTERCOM) Come on up. (TO LYNDON) And don't call her that, you know it ticks her off. LYNDON Fine. From now on she'll simply be known as ... Fag Hag. BOBBY Lyndon, I'm warning you. CHARLIE Bobby, you really should be more concerned about your so-called plan. BOBBY The Wheat Thins suck that bad? I thought they would help ease the shock. LYNDON Like lube? SFX: Door knock. BOBBY opens the door and JOETTE appears in the doorway, out of breath, and all fake-smiles.
JOETTE
Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! BOBBY He's not out yet. JOETTE enters the apartment. JOETTE For Christ's sake! I rushed my ass from the upper, upper east side. LYNDON i.e., Astoria. JOETTE And I still arrived before the guest of honor. He'll be late for his own funeral. BOBBY Exactly what we're trying to prevent. LYNDON Kisses to my favorite straight girl. JOETTE Nice Lyn, you sound like my mother subtly reminding the male nurses at the Westchester County Sanitarium that I'm ripe for the picking. LYNDON Please, Joette, please. Don't compare me to psycho mama. CHARLIE Lyndon, you're supposed to be nice! JOETTE Hi Charlie, you look good. You know my mother's psychotic. Pleasant most of the time, but psychotic nonetheless. CHARLIE Why must girls disparage their mothers? JOETTE I'm not disparaging, it's the truth. My mother had her first nervous breakdown when I was nine and she was working the streets. Where's Alex? CHARLIE Your mother was a prostitute? JOETTE No, a crossing guard. She worked the corner of Fifth and Stuyvesant, which in her defense was a very busy intersection. LYNDON All I remember of my mother is her leaving home one morning in a cloud of cigarette smoke and Shalamar. Or was that an Ida Lupino movie? CHARLIE Bobby, are you okay? BOBBY I'm a bit on edge. LYNDON A bit? Doll, you're like Neely O'Hara right before the house lights dim. CHARLIE And you're making us all nervous. LYNDON Damn, I'm perspiring! How I miss dress shields. Marisa Berenson once told me a maxi-pad could be used as a substitute. Joette? JOETTE Strictly a tampon girl. LYNDON (SIGH) So many of you are these days. JOETTE So where is he? BOBBY In his room prettifying, where he's been for the past several hours. JOETTE Learn me this, gay folk, just how friggin' long does it take one already genetically superior man to get gussied up for a party? BOBBY This isn't a party! JOETTE Get him out of there. At this rate we'll be here until his fortieth birthday. LYNDON I remember my fortieth birthday. Liza Minnelli sashays in ... JOETTE Don't start with the stories. LYNDON (BEAT, THEN LIKE A WOUNDED CHILD.) But she was wearing Halston. JOETTE She always wears Halston! LYNDON Not the dress. The designer. She came in giving him a piggyback ride and said, "This is why I never wear Oleg Cassini. Ha ha! He's too wide in the shoulders." JOETTE (PAUSE) Are you done?
LYNDON
Yes, sir. JOETTE Listen up, girls. I spoke with Marjoe. LYNDON Who's Marjoe? BOBBY You spoke with the interventionist. JOETTE Yes about Operation Sav-A-Gay and we devised a line of attack. BOBBY Marjoe and I didn't think it should be so organized since we don't know how Alex will respond. JOETTE I changed his mind. Marjoe's not so experienced. BOBBY And you are? JOETTE You're too emotionally involved to think strategically. We can't go into this blindly. BOBBY I don't want Alex to feel ambushed. JOETTE You can't have it both ways. Now I thought, and Marjoe agreed, that it would be effective if we each zeroed in on a particular area of Alex's life. I'll focus on business matters, his career, or lack thereof. Lyndon you address what people are saying about Alex's drinking, drug use, sex addiction, blah, blah, blah. LYNDON If I must ... I do so frown upon gossipmongers. JOETTE Yeah, right. And Charlie, I know it'll be hard, but you need to address medical issues. What could happen if ... CHARLIE Yes ... if ... LYNDON Good show Jo, but it's moments like these that remind me of Sister Marguerite, the admissions clerk at the monastery. CHARLIE Sister Mary Nasty? LYNDON The same. When I entered the monastery she growled, "You won't last three months in those brown robes." JOETTE How did she know? LYNDON She said I was too pale, earth tones wash me out. That was the winter I realized I hated women. BOBBY Sounds like the summer of Charlie Hates Chuney. LYNDON Was that as disappointing as Joanie Loves Chachi? JOETTE We're veering off course. BOBBY The summer after tenth grade, the year Charlie discovered girls. LYNDON The only girl Charlie ever discovered was Lipstick Lesbian Barbie. CHARLIE I have had sex with a girl. BOBBY Which was when you discovered you don't like chuney. JOETTE Must you still call it a chuney? BOBBY It's what my family always called it. JOETTE Repeat after me ... va-gi-na. BOBBY I prefer chuney, but Charlie couldn't even touch one. Isn't that right Charlie? LYNDON Come on Charlie, take us back to tenth grade. The uncut director's version. CHARLIE (DRAMATIC SIGH) I'm in the backseat of my father's El Dorado trying to do it with Tammy Wisneski. I am trying with all my might to finger her... her... LYNDON Say it, Charlie, say it! CHARLIE Chuney! I'm trying to finger her chuney! And it's not going in. The gate is locked, the drawbridge is down, the dam is secure ... JOETTE We get it, Tammy's tight. CHARLIE No, Tammy's laughing, a high-pitched accusatory laugh. I try one last time to finger her friggin' chuney and do you know what she says? (PAUSE) "That's my asshole." BOBBY And thus began the summer of Charlie hates Chuney. JOETTE I still don't understand why you call a vagina a chuney and not a vagina. LYNDON Or at least a pussy. Pussy's got bite. Chuney doesn't work for me. CHARLIE What did your family call it? LYNDON A kumani. JOETTE Now that's something I can relate to. CHARLIE You've had a kumani? JOETTE Kumani Wong. BOBBY Oh sure, from high school. LYNDON I knew it. You are a closet lesbian! JOETTE No! We were both in my senior year production of Hello, Dolly! BOBBY When they dubbed you Jo Jo, the dog-faced boy? LYNDON Oh, sweet mother of Carol Channing! Elaborate. JOETTE No. CHARLIE Oh please, please! I'll take back everything I've ever said about you if you explain why they called you Jo Jo, the dog-faced boy. JOETTE (PAUSE) It's like being sucked into a gay vacuum. We're not here to tell stories. BOBBY Oh, tell it Joette. They won't let up until you do. JOETTE You're hoping that if we keep telling stories we can avoid this whole charade. BOBBY No. JOETTE You can't lie to me. You hope Alex stays in his bedroom and we never have to go through with this. BOBBY I'm a little scared, sure, but I want this to happen. It's just that it's been a while since Alex and I have had a serious conversation. JOETTE A while? BOBBY Will you stop pushing and just tell your story. LYNDON I agree. Speak up dog-boy. JOETTE (BEAT) One telling, no commentary, then we talk strategy. BOBBY Agreed. JOETTE 1981, senior year production of Hello, Dolly! I was the only person in the class who could do a cartwheel while holding a serving tray, so I had to be in the waiter's gallop. But all the waiters had to be boys. So they superglued a handlebar moustache and muttonchops on my face and pushed me towards the footlights. The applause wasn't nearly as strong as the superglue. They couldn't pull the facial hair off me for nine days. Hence the moniker, Jo Jo, the dog-faced boy. CHARLIE Suddenly I don't feel so alone. JOETTE Now can we return to tonight's regularly scheduled intervention? BOBBY Oh God, I'm losing my confidence. LYNDON You can't. You're our leader, and we are your team. BOBBY That's right, you're absolutely right, we all have to work together. Because Alex will swing open that door like Loretta Young and a few moments later be as shocked as Loretta Lynn on her honeymoon in Coal Miner's Daughter. LYNDON Let's just hope he accepts our olive branch more readily than Loretty accepted Tommy Lee's. CHARLIE I think Alex is a bit more knowledgeable about branches than Ms. Lynn. JOETTE My God, do gay men do anything better than avoid the truth?! LYNDON Identify trends? JOETTE Alex is right behind that door ... you're about to change his life forever, and you three fags are riffing on Loretta Lynn! You're really starting to piss me off. BOBBY Stop attacking. Does it matter how we get to the truth as long as we get to it? JOETTE We could've gotten to it years ago if you would all stop auditioning to be Shecky Green's long-lost gay son. BOBBY This is our way, you know that. JOETTE And your way has brought us here ... to this pathetically planned ruse entitled "How Gay Men Ignore the Road to Ruin" or "I Need Another Drink -- This One Doesn't Match My Outfit." And what the hell is Happy Birt? BOBBY A minute ago you were Sally Supportive. What's gotten into you? LYNDON Nothing. That's her problem. BOBBY Lyndon! JOETTE My ... problem is ... oh, just forget it. BOBBY You don't always know what's best. JOETTE What I don't know is why I ever said I'd be a part of this farce. LYNDON Because Bobby asked you. And you wouldn't risk putting a nick in your relationship. BOBBY This is not about us! JOETTE No, it's about your obsession with Alex. BOBBY I am not obsessed. JOETTE Bullshit! BOBBY Because you don't agree, it isn't so? JOETTE Stop lying, Bobby, I'm tired of it. LYNDON Of course you're tired ... it's exhausting being Bobby's friend, wife, mother, sister. JOETTE More faggot wisdom. Why don't you turn your attention to Bobby and convince him to leave Alex and his poison. BOBBY The guy is lost. Can't you see that? JOETTE He's an addict, plain and simple. BOBBY Who wants to break free. JOETTE Honey, I know you want to believe that's true. BOBBY It is true! I know what's in his heart and he's not ... Unseen by the others, ALEX opens his door, dressed for a night out on the town. In one hand he's holding an Absolut bottle, in the other a martini glass. JOETTE He's hopeless. BOBBY No! JOETTE And a waste of your time. BOBBY Will you just shut up! JOETTE Alex is a loser, Bobby! No matter how hard you try to change him. All he is ever going to be is a worthless human being. BOBBY Now you've crossed a line! JOETTE Oh, like a gay man knows anything about boundaries. BOBBY Get out! You don't belong here! ALEX Not on your life! Now this is what I call a party. BLACKOUT END OF ACT 1 Next Page: Act , Scene 1 (page 11 of 11 pages) All Pages: See the entire play on one page Table of Contents: syzygy
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