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Issue 19 • Fall 2006 • Featured Writer • Drama
syzygyMichael GriffoAct 2Scene 1It's a few minutes after the end of Act 1. ALEX is center stage clutching his Absolut bottle and drinking a pink Cosmopolitan. He is flying high and holding court. JOETTE is sitting at the kitchen table, LYNDON and CHARLIE are on the couch, and BOBBY is leaning against the SR door. Everyone is trying to maintain a party atmosphere while searching for the right moment to confront ALEX. ALEX Syzygy! BOBBY No. ALEX That's what she just said. BOBBY She didn't mean it. ALEX Yes she did. And Joette's right, I am a syzygy. BOBBY You are not. ALEX Sorry Bob-o, I am the biggest syzygy around. BOBBY Will you stop saying that?! ALEX It happens. You were one once, too. (POINTING TO BOBBY) Syzygy. LYNDON What the hell is a syzygy? ALEX Bobby's nemesis. The reason he never made it to the Spelling Bee Olympics in the fifth grade. BOBBY It's a stupid word. ALEX Donald Passanante got "perennial," Bobby got "syzygy," and Passanante went on to represent New Jersey in the nationals. CHARLIE Did he win? BOBBY Does potpourri end in an 'e'? CHARLIE (BEAT) Well ... anyone? Does potpourri end in an 'e'? BOBBY P-o-t-p-o-u-r-r-i, potpourri, no e. Had I gotten that instead of syzygy I would've won, but no. ALEX Since then syzygy means loser. CHARLIE But what does syzygy really mean? ALEX A couple of things. Bobby? BOBBY (DEEP BREATH) Either three celestial bodies caught in a gravitational pull like the sun, moon, and earth. CHARLIE Or? BOBBY Or a pair. Usually bodies in the solar system, like two stars, different, but still very much the same. ALEX I always liked that definition better. CHARLIE Why? ALEX Because that's me and my Bobby. (HE KISSES BOBBY ON THE CHEEK.) Now what was all that screaming about earlier? It got me hard. Oh my God, this may be the first time Joette gave a man an erection. JOETTE is about to rebut, but CHARLIE interrupts. CHARLIE So how does it feel to be 37, Alex? I can't wait for my 37th next month. ALEX You're not going to be 37. CHARLIE Yes I am. We're a month apart. ALEX You're in AIDS world now Charlie, which means you'll be what ... 48, 49? JOETTE Oh ... oh . . (BEAT, THEN POINTS TO ALEX) Syzygy! ALEX Please! Charlie wears his red ribbon like a badge of honor, right Chuck? CHARLIE I try not to make a big deal out of it. ALEX Then maybe you shouldn't refer to them as your HIV naps. CHARLIE My meds ... sometimes make me tired around three. ALEX Whatever. Bobby ... partymeister ... I am almost done with this Absolut bottle. When that happens I will need another one. Or at least a birthday surprise to make me forget that I don't have my hands wrapped around an Absolut bottle. Are you ready to supply me with either a bottle of firewater or a surprise? BOBBY Um ... well. ALEX Hey why isn't anyone else drinking? BOBBY Like I said, this party is going to be alcohol-free. (PAUSE) Isn't that great? ALEX turns to look at everyone. They are all serious and nervous. Finally, ALEX bursts out laughing. ALEX Oh my God! You are a fucking genius, Bobby. (ALEX GRABS BOBBY'S FACE WITH BOTH HANDS AND KISSES HIM.) I'm on reality TV. What's the name of it? Birthday Party? Is it like a new This is Your Life? Where's the camera? And if you know what's good for you it'll be on my right side. BOBBY There is no camera. ALEX I hope this is going to be on cable, network is so limiting. BOBBY It's not being filmed. This is real. ALEX Yeah, right. BOBBY I'm serious. ALEX Then this is a seriously shitty birthday party, Bobby. BOBBY It isn't a birthday party. ALEX It's my birthday, it's a party, it's a fucking birthday party! BOBBY Technically it is a gathering of sorts. ALEX I want a straight answer ... what's going on here? BOBBY We've known each other a long time. Right? ALEX Yes. BOBBY And you trust me, don't you? ALEX Yes. BOBBY Then you have to trust that I'm doing this for you. ALEX Doing what? SFX: The phone rings. Everyone, except ALEX and BOBBY, leaps for the phone at the same time. CHARLIE gets to it first, but LYNDON rips the phone out of his hand.
LYNDON
Hello. BETTINA appears again in the same spot she appeared in earlier. BETTINA Is this the birthday boy? LYNDON Bettina, darling! What exquisite timing. How have you been? BETTINA Last week it burnt when I peed, but my hot Spanish gyno put an end to that. ALEX Put her on speaker. (TO BOBBY) And I'm not finished with you. T, it's Alex. BETTINA Happy Birthday, darling. I sang a song for you. ALEX I heard. And I followed your instructions. BETTINA Good! It'll be worth it, trust me. ALEX Everybody wants my trust tonight. BOBBY Actually, Bettina, we were in the middle of something. BETTINA But I have a birthday bombshell! ALEX What is it? I need a diversion. BETTINA I did porn. ALL What? BETTINA Porn. You know, adult entertainment, x-rated movies, skin trade, back alley productions ... JOETTE We know what porn means. ALEX You're not serious. BETTINA Of course I am. I was waiting for your party to make the announcement. I always think of my Alex. ALEX (TO BOBBY) Now this is an appropriate surprise. JOETTE Why in God's name would you do a porn movie? BETTINA It was on my "to do" list. Right between learn how to make kugel and get a Brazilian bikini wax. Naturally, I switched them around so I was the smoothest girl on set and my kugel was the hit of the wrap party. ALEX You slut! I wanted to be the first one of us to do porn! BETTINA You can be the first one of us to do gay porn. ALEX Oh, that's true! BOBBY That sounds really exciting. We'll call you back to get the details. ALEX What's the movie called? BETTINA Doctor Penis-cillan. ALEX I love it! Who do you play? BETTINA Madame Whorrie. I'm the one who discovers the penis-cillan. ALEX I must have a copy for my birthday. BETTINA Of course, mon cher. I'll even personally autograph it for you. JOETTE In ink, please. ALEX Are you the star? Please tell me you're the star and not just non-sexual filler. Oh, please tell me you got fucked on camera! BETTINA Of course I got fucked. If I wanted to be a serious actress, I'd try to marry some jerk on TV. ALEX You're my idol! BETTINA I was hardly idle. I did three scenes. JOETTE Three! Three scenes and not once did you come to your senses and bail. ALEX Talk me through your scenes. BOBBY looks to LYNDON for help. LYNDON Perhaps the blow by blow can wait for another time. ALEX I want to hear the plot! BETTINA Well it starts on a plane, a really big one. I work for the government and I'm transporting highly confidential medical specimens. Then I get taken hostage by an Israeli pilot. ALEX Oooh, very Patty Hearst. BETTINA Then I did a three-way with another hostage, Trudie from Des Moines, super nice girl, owns a little bookstore, and a Frenchman who plays the navigator of the plane. ALEX Did the Frenchman wash? CHARLIE The French don't smell. BETTINA This one did. I said until Pierre takes a shower he's not touching my chuney. JOETTE Can no one say "vagina"?! BETTINA But the final scene was the showstopper. ALEX Talk very slow! BETTINA (TALKING SLOWLY FOR EFFECT.) I'm in the lab with my highly confidential medical specimens and I'm joined by bisexual Russian triplets who are actually spies who want my specimens. In real life ... JOETTE As opposed to porn life. BETTINA Why does she keep interrupting? ALEX Joette's channeling Anita Bryant again. BETTINA In real life they were thrown off the Olympic gymnastic team for illegal use of a pommel horse. Boy, were those three a handful! ALEX Are they bisexual in real life or only porn life? BETTINA Both. I'll email you their contact info. They can be bought for a nominal fee and are willing to travel internationally. LYNDON And who says the Russkies aren't accommodating? ALEX What's your porn name? JOETTE Please tell me you used a fake name. BETTINA Yes, but I didn't want to. I said my tits are real, my name should be too. And I must say, Joette, for a single gal of a certain age you are very repressed. ALEX I must know your porn name! Tell me! BETTINA I chose a name that pays homage not only to my Russian co-stars' gymnastic background, but to my own Irish heritage as well. Say hello to Tramp O'Line. LYNDON Ah!!! Ms. Witty, she's a whore! ALEX I love you! Bobby, take notes on how to throw a successful birthday party. LYNDON But darling, aren't you afraid your boss will find out? BETTINA Amir? Who do you think played the Israeli pilot? Thanks to him we got to film in the cockpit. The key, my friends, to good porn is authenticity. CHARLIE You're like the president of the Mile High Club. BETTINA Who said that? BOBBY Charlie. BETTINA Charlie? I thought he was dying. ALEX He is. He's just doing it very slowly. CHARLIE Fuck you. My meds are working very well, thank you. BETTINA I'm glad. Really. Hey, did I mention that I went to the AmFar benefit in London last month? CHARLIE Thank you for your support. Hear, hear! BETTINA Don't cheer me yet -- I don't think I'm built for this charity thing. At one point I was standing between Sharon Stone and Steve Kmetko. Sharon was talking about the AIDS crisis in Africa and Steve was rambling on and on about anti-retroviral therapies or some other shit and all I could think about was that among the three of us I was the only natural blonde. ALEX And we'll soon find out which one of you has the prettiest snatch. LYNDON My money's on Mr. Kmetko. JOETTE I stand corrected, Bobby, you're all taking this very seriously. LYNDON I'll give you this, Bettina, you're honest. ALEX An honest-to-goodness porn star. Where do you go from here? JOETTE The free clinic? BETTINA Needlepoint. I want to make all those cute throw pillows my Grandma used to make. ALEX A porn star who sews. You've salvaged my birthday. BETTINA Speaking of which, how are you going to celebrate? ALEX I'm not sure yet. I'm still waiting for Bobby's surprise. BETTINA I hope it's not the same as my surprise. LYNDON Somehow I doubt that. ALEX When will your surprise arrive? BETTINA It should be there shortly. ALEX Thank you, T. This party needed a little bit of Bettina. BETTINA Every party needs a little bit of Bettina! Sorry, guys, that's my other line. We're having a porn reunion. ALEX Do one of the Russians for me! BETTINA One? Mama'll do all three! ALEX Goodbye, Madame Whorrie! BETTINA Happy Birthday, Alex! The light on BETTINA fades out and she disappears. ALEX Now someone try to top that. The past. The lights change to indicate that we're in another flashback. ALEX runs to BOBBY, gives him a big kiss on the lips, picks him up, and swings him around. They are 21 and seniors in college. From now on whenever there is a flashback JOETTE, LYNDON, and CHARLIE stay where they are and watch, but never enter into the action. ALEX (CONT'D) I said try to top that, Bobby! BOBBY I can't. ALEX I know cuz I'm the newest intern in the tech sales division of InterTech International and nothing can top that. BOBBY I am so proud of you. ALEX Me too. I was up against thirty other guys and they picked me. They said I have ... potential. BOBBY Anyone can see that. Do you have a title? ALEX I dunno. I guess I'll find out Monday. BOBBY My counselor says a title makes you look more professional. ALEX My boss told me he made three hundred grand his first year in sales. I'm gonna make it, Bobby. BOBBY I always knew you would. ALEX I'll show my dad, I can do it. BOBBY He knows. ALEX I'll have a house ... two houses, cars, we'll travel. BOBBY I have to get a real job first. ALEX I'll make enough money for both of us. (BEAT) I was a little scared, but this real world thing isn't as tough as I thought. BOBBY Since when are you ever scared? ALEX Well ... BOBBY starts to roughhouse with ALEX, they are very physical with each other. BOBBY You know if I didn't see that job listing, you'd still be unemployed. ALEX So I owe you now? BOBBY What's your name? ALEX Alex. BOBBY I'm Bobby Dean. From now on Alex you're gonna be my best friend. (BEAT) And ... They get very close to each other and almost kiss. ALEX And? BOBBY And I hope I can be just like you some day. ALEX No way. (BEAT) I like you just the way you are. The lights shift and we're back in the present. ALEX (CONT'D) Do you like me, Bobby? BOBBY Of course. ALEX Then why is my birthday party so suckified? SFX: The doorbell rings. ALEX (CONT'D) C'mon, Lyndon, back me up. This party's ass.
BOBBY
Hello.
RENALDO
Hello, my name is Renaldo. I am the gift from Ms. Bettina. ALEX And this ass just got a booty bump! (RACING OVER TO THE DOOR AND PRESSING THE INTERCOM BUTTON.) Get up here! BOBBY Alex, we need to talk. ALEX Thank you, Bettina. BOBBY I mean it. ALEX And thank God I took that second Viagra. JOETTE (GENTLY) Bobby, maybe this is a sign. SFX: Door knock. ALEX runs to open the door, then stops short. ALEX Hold on! ALEX rips off his shirt, runs into his room, and comes out with an even tighter one. He opens the door and there stands RENALDO, 22. He is shirtless and gorgeous. He's wearing a cowboy hat, tight jeans and cowboy boots and around his chest is an ammo belt filled with little bottles of alcohol you get on an airline. He looks to the left and sees BOBBY. RENALDO (TO BOBBY) Happy birthday, Alex. Bettina is right -- you are muy guapo. BOBBY I'm Bobby. That's Alex. RENALDO Happy birthday, Alex. Bettina is right -- you are muy guapo. ALEX And you haven't even seen my dick yet. RENALDO I was to learn the American birthday song, but Ms. Bettina said you would just want ... get drunk and fuck. ALEX And Ms. Bettina is always right. Follow me. ALEX leads RENALDO into his bedroom and slams the bedroom door shut. LYNDON and CHARLIE react as if someone slapped them across the face. LYNDON Don't worry about us. We'll amuse ourselves out here. BOBBY How did I let this get so out of control? JOETTE Because Alex is out of your control. LYNDON Last time I had an ass like that ... CHARLIE You never had an ass like that. JOETTE Will you two quit it? LYNDON Me personally, no. I've always been slim-hipped ... like a young Kate Hepburn. My trousers looked wonderful from the front, the side, well ... RENALDO Aaah! LYNDON shifts in his chair. He is definitely getting turned on by the sounds in the other room. ALEX Aaah! JOETTE For Christ's sake! ALEX and RENALDO Aaah! BOBBY Where's Marjoe?! RENALDO Ahh! Yes! JOETTE The hell with Marjoe. We need Band Aid therapy. ALEX Ahhhh! Fuck!!! CHARLIE Speak English! If I'm counting grunts correctly we don't have time to translate hetero. JOETTE Quick and harsh. Like ripping off a band-aid. ALEX Aaahh! JOETTE Like that. RENALDO Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohhhhh! LYNDON I prefer that. JOETTE Of course you do. Everything is always about sex with you people. LYNDON You people? Who are you calling "you people"? JOETTE You people. LYNDON Your people don't have the right to use the phrase "you people." JOETTE My people wouldn't have to use the phrase "you people" if it weren't for you people. LYNDON If it weren't for you people our people wouldn't have to be a phrase! JOETTE If you people knew your place my people wouldn't need a phrase. BOBBY Since when? JOETTE Since it has been made very clear to me that sex, drugs, and the perfect Cosmo are what most of you want. ALEX Fuck me, fuck my ass! JOETTE That's the sound byte for your whole community. BOBBY Just go. You don't want to be here, now's the perfect time to escape. JOETTE No way. I've invested way too much time in this to leave early. CHARLIE Too much time in Bobby you mean. JOETTE That is so old. LYNDON It seems her people don't like to confront the truth either. JOETTE The truth! The truth is that you're a bunch of hypocritical hedonists who are pointing the finger of doom at your leader because you're all a little scared that he's locked inside some glory hole and he'll never crawl out. And without him, well, mirror, mirror on the wall, who'll be the biggest slut of all? BOBBY Why are you so judgmental? JOETTE This whole charade is about judging! BOBBY It is not. It's about rescuing. If I thought for one second that Alex wanted this life that he's fallen into, I'd leave him alone. ALEX Uhhh, uhh, fuck me! JOETTE Sounds like he's getting exactly what he wants. ALEX and RENALDO (PAUSE) Ohhh. LYNDON and CHARLIE (PAUSE) Ahhhh. BOBBY After Renaldo leaves, we sit Alex down and lay it out plain and simple. Whether Marjoe is here or not.
JOETTE
And remember let's not hurt Alex's feelings. RENALDO enters the room followed by ALEX. RENALDO is still shirtless and wearing the artillery holster, but all the little bottles are now gone. ALEX is putting on yet another t-shirt. He is restless, fidgety and sniffs and plays with his nose during the rest of the scene -- it's obvious that he snorted some more drugs. BOBBY (TO JOETTE) I have really had enough of you! ALEX Is that any way to talk to my birthday present? BOBBY I'm sorry ... I ... LYNDON He was referring to me. I was just about to break down that door and make your present my future. ALEX He takes AmEx. RENALDO And I offer group discount. LYNDON I'm sure you do, papi. But the moment's passed. RENALDO Here's my card, if your mind changes. Happy birthday, Alex. Call me. ALEX I will. ALEX and RENALDO kiss passionately making everyone uncomfortable. RENALDO Ciao lindo. (TO EVERYONE) Buh-bye. RENALDO exits. ALEX Now that's a party favor. JOETTE You're a fucking pig.
ALEX
I'm not sure how I'll ever make this up to Bettina. LYNDON Did you videotape? ALEX (BEAT) Damn! BOBBY Alex. ALEX Yes, yes, Bobby, I'm sorry. You were stammering about something before we were so crudely interrupted. Go ahead, I'm all ears. BOBBY Like I said this really isn't a traditional birthday party. ALEX Yeah, I got that. BOBBY It's more of a ... I wanted to get your closest friends together ... ALEX These aren't my closest friends. JOETTE Can we all just admit that this is hopeless? BOBBY Will you shut up?! (TO ALEX) This is an intervention. ALEX (BEAT) What? SFX: Doorbell rings. JOETTE (INTO INTERCOM) Hello? MARJOE It's Marjoe. LYNDON (TO CHARLIE) Finally the mysterious Marjoe. JOETTE Come on up. ALEX An intervention is for alcoholics ... and junkies. JOETTE And you. BOBBY Let's wait for Marjoe. ALEX Smile. BOBBY What? ALEX I want to see your smile. (BOBBY SMILES BRIEFLY, THEN TO THE OTHERS:) Don'tcha love that smile? SFX: Door knock BOBBY opens the door and MARJOE TEJADA, 22, enters. He's a clean-cut young man trying to dress like an urban youth. BOBBY Hi. Come on in. Everybody, this is Marjoe Tejada. ALL Hello, Marjoe. MARJOE Hello. BOBBY Alex, Marjoe is here to lead the intervention. ALEX What the fuck is going on? MARJOE Don't be scared, your friends are just concerned. ALEX I'm not a junkie. MARJOE We don't use that word. JOETTE God forbid a spade is called a spade. ALEX Seriously, Bobby ... what is going on here? MARJOE Alex, why don't you sit down. (MARJOE GENTLY TOUCHES ALEX'S ARM.) I'm here so we can talk. ALEX Oh, I get it, it's a different set-up. I have to warn you though, my ass is sore. MARJOE I'm not here to do any fucking. ALEX Oh, you're a bottom ... well I'm vers when I have to be. BOBBY No. Marjoe is an interventionist. From the Center. ALEX This is your surprise? (LAUGHING) Oh, honey, you should've gone with a hustler. MARJOE I'm here because Bobby is concerned about you ... we're all concerned about how you're living your life. ALEX You don't even know me. MARJOE You're still my brother. ALEX Sorry, bro, I am not really up for conversation. It's my birthday. MARJOE The first day of the rest of your life. What a perfect time to assess where you are, how you got here, and how you can change your life so you can fulfill all your dreams. Let's do a moral inventory. ALEX Moral inventory? (TO LYNDON) Is he for real? LYNDON Listen to what he has to say, Alex. ALEX I don't want to listen, I want to celebrate. ALEX goes to the front door, but MARJOE gets there first and blocks him from leaving. ALEX (CONT'D) Are you this quick in the bedroom? ALEX pushes MARJOE up against the door and kisses him. MARJOE gives in, then pushes ALEX back into the room. BOBBY runs and stands in front of the door. ALEX You're not a bad kisser, but you talk too much even for a shrink. MARJOE I'm not a shrink. ALEX What are you? MARJOE I'm a graduate student in psychology. ALEX A student! (TO BOBBY) You couldn't even get me a professional?! MARJOE I have multiple hours of practical credits in this kind of therapy. ALEX This cannot be real. BOBBY I couldn't think of any other way to get through to you. ALEX You've done some self-righteous things before, but this ... MARJOE You have a drug problem? ALEX Says who? MARJOE Everyone here. ALEX Really? Is that what you all say? Lyndon? Charlie? LYNDON Bobby told me you start each morning by snorting coke. ALEX He what? CHARLIE You party every night and you usually don't come home until the morning, then you rush out to work. ALEX You told them those things?
BOBBY
Why not? Are you ashamed? ALEX I need a drink. MARJOE No, you can't. ALEX Don't tell me ... BOBBY There's nothing here to drink. ALEX goes to the door, but LYNDON and CHARLIE block the door and push him out of the way. ALEX Now you're all going to play hero?! MARJOE We just want to talk. ALEX (TO BOBBY) Why couldn't you just talk to me? BOBBY Alex I've tried, you know I have. ALEX I am not in the mood for this! JOETTE Do you love Bobby? ALEX Yes. JOETTE Then do it for him. ALEX takes a moment then sits down. MARJOE sits next to him. MARJOE Alex, no one is here to hurt you or humiliate you. Everyone is here because they want to help you. Addiction is a medical disease. And the combination of alcohol and cocaine is the most common drug combo that results in death. ALEX Does anyone have a napkin? I just came in my pants.
MARJOE
I know how you feel, I've done a lot of partying in my time so I know how good it can be. Do you like to get high? ALEX Yeah. MARJOE Any particular reason why? ALEX So I can imagine that assholes like you don't exist. MARJOE Okay. And how long have you been taking drugs? ALEX Didn't Bobby already fill out some sort of questionnaire on me? MARJOE Yes, but I'd like to hear it from you.
ALEX
No way. Bobby, how long have you been planning this ambush? MARJOE Forget them, Alex, it's just me and you. How long you've been taking drugs? ALEX Drugs in general or do you want to zero in on a specific one? MARJOE What was the first one? ALEX Oh, gee ... wow ... the first ... well let's see ... no, Pablo introduced me to K, and I only met Pablo in '97. JOETTE For Christ's sake! This isn't a joke. ALEX Please, Marjoe, I can't concentrate if I'm going to be interrupted. JOETTE You're an addict!
ALEX
Is that what you really think I am, Bobby? BOBBY You have a problem. MARJOE Take the first step, Alex. Admit that you have a problem. ALEX I am a recreational user, big deal, everybody is! MARJOE That's right, you're not alone in this. 234 million people, almost 9.4 percent of the adult population have some form of chemical dependence. This isn't a social problem, it's a matter of your health. ALEX My health is fine. BOBBY That's not what your doctor said. ALEX What?! CHARLIE Oh, dear. ALEX You spoke to my doctor? MARJOE Alex, I need you to focus on the real issue. BOBBY When you had the flu? LYNDON (TO CHARLIE) Is there even the slightest chance Bobby has befriended Doctor Zhivago? BOBBY You were sick ... on antibiotics ... and you wouldn't stop doing lines and ecstasy. ALEX I will kill you! MARJOE See how violently the drugs make you react? They control you, that's the problem. ALEX The problem is you are the worst fucking interventionist ever! MARJOE Maybe the problem is you're the biggest addict ever! ALEX What? MARJOE How long has it been since you had a drug-free day? (PAUSE) Are your bills piling up because you spend all your money on drugs? ALEX The city's expensive. BOBBY Answer him, Alex. Honestly. MARJOE Do you black out? The lights shift so ALEX is in a spotlight. He is face down on the floor, completely wasted. ALEX No ... leave me alone. I don't need your help. Call Bobby! Call my Bobby ... please ... Bobby'll fix it. He fixes everything. The lights change back and once again it's the present. ALEX (CONT'D) No. Never. LYNDON Alex ... that couple who found you ... they live in my building. ALEX Once! MARJOE So is it once or never? ALEX Times up! I've humored you, Bobby, I've played nice with this ... syzygy! Now I want him out! MARJOE I'm just asking questions. There's no need to get so upset. ALEX I've been duped, you asshole! MARJOE Duped by the drugs. You're powerless to them. Can't you see that your friends had no other choice but this? ALEX We all have choices. And I choose for you to leave. MARJOE I need you to calm down. ALEX You have ten seconds to leave. Ten, nine ... CHARLIE Give yourself up to a higher power, Alex. ALEX Fuck you! Eight, seven ... BOBBY You left me no choice. ALEX Six, five ... MARJOE Answer the question: Do you have an addiction problem? ALEX Four, three ... BOBBY Just admit it. ALEX Two ... MARJOE Are you an addict?! BOBBY Please, Alex. Don't dodge this. He'll go, we'll all go, just admit it. You don't even have to say it out loud. ALEX (BEAT) One. Now go. LYNDON Marjoe, it was a pleasure. MARJOE (TO ALEX) If you'd like we could talk privately. They can all leave. ALEX Oh, they're going to leave, but not after I say they can. MARJOE You have nothing more you'd like to say to me? Just you and me. ALEX Unless you're packing a ten-inch dick along with your hours of practical credits we have nothing to discuss. Now I suggest you get the fuck out of my apartment before I let the massive amount of drugs that are raging through my bloodstream take control of me. BOBBY Marjoe, thank you. You've been a great help. ALEX Yes, Marjoe, good luck with the rest of your credits. MARJOE I'm sorry, sometimes ... ALEX Sometimes what? MARJOE Sometimes it doesn't work. MARJOE exits and ALEX slams the door. BOBBY I think you should all leave. ALEX Oh no, no, no, no, no. The party's just getting started. (ALEX BEGINS TO PACE LIKE A CAGED ANIMAL.) So tell me everyone, how does it feel to be better than me? BOBBY No one thinks they're better ... ALEX That's exactly what you all think or else you wouldn't be here. Let's see. (PAUSE AS HE LOOKS AT THEM.) Charlie. How's the AIDS thing going? CHARLIE I'm HIV positive, let's not rush things. ALEX And just to clarify, you got the virus by having unsafe sex right? BOBBY Don't take this out on them. ALEX You'll get your turn. So Chuck you never have explained exactly how you got the bug. Drunk, junkie, negative boys like me are kinda curious. BOBBY The condom broke! It was defective, what does it matter? ALEX When you all volunteer to be my saviors, it matters! Answer me, Charlie! CHARLIE I smoked crack. LYNDON Don't. ALEX Really? Never took you for a crackhead. CHARLIE Once. With a guy I met at the Roxy ... (IRONICALLY) Stanley. LYNDON You don't owe him an explanation. CHARLIE Maybe I do. Who the hell am I to try and save anyone? I was lonely and Stanley taught me to smoke crack in the bathroom. I did some shots at the bar, we did some more crack in his bedroom, and the next afternoon when I woke up I forgot what we did. But the next day I remembered. BOBBY Charlie it doesn't matter how. ALEX It just matters that he's sick and I'm not. CHARLIE But you're clean and yet you still take risks. ALEX I'd never be that stupid. CHARLIE I never thought I'd be that stupid either, but I was. Now I hold on. Pray. ALEX Please don't say "for a cure"? CHARLIE I'm not that pathetic. (SILENCE) LYNDON Charlie ... CHARLIE I pray it will be silent and hide so I can live my life. Quietly. ALEX Well, I wake up with a hangover, not a viral load. CHARLIE I know what I wake up with! I don't need someone like you to remind me! ALEX Someone like me? CHARLIE You think you're so ... detached. Bobby went to all this trouble and to you it's just a game. You're the one who thinks he's superior! ALEX Only negative. CHARLIE One slip Alex and you're on my side of the doctor's office. ALEX Don't lecture me. I may be an addict, but I'm healthy. LYNDON Lucky! That's all you are, Alex. ALEX And you should know all about luck, old man. LYNDON I am grateful. ALEX But I betcha miss the glory days of your youth. LYNDON I recall my past fondly. ALEX Of course you do ... every night with a stiff martini and a bottle of poppers. LYNDON Flail about, wildcat. I'm alive because I took care of myself. I stopped doing things I loved because I loved life more. ALEX And now, do you enjoy your life as much? BOBBY Over here, Alex! I'm the one you want. LYNDON My life lacks a certain ... luminosity. ALEX You're all so fucking jealous that I'm on one helluva ride ... the exact same ride you all desperately want to be on. JOETTE You don't see me lining up to buy a ticket. ALEX But you'd be digging your pudgy hands in your pockets for loose change if Bobby wanted to ride. JOETTE I would not. ALEX You would do anything for Bobby. We have that in common. JOETTE Don't connect us. ALEX Too late. We both flank Bobby. Me on the good side and you on the other. I know it hurts ... I mean it must ... while you're looking at Bobby, he's looking at me ... 'cause we both know that the lifelong friend always wins out over the fag hag. JOETTE I am not ... ALEX Sorry, I broke gay rule number fifty-seven: Never let the fag hag know she's a fag hag. JOETTE I know what I am! ALEX And what is that? JOETTE (BEAT) Don't try to turn this around to deflect the accusations you're unable to refute. You're a sociopathic, sexual compulsive ... ALEX And you're a homely woman in love with a gay man. Who's worse off? I may be a syzygy, but I get it. You're under this delusion that you're actually happy.
JOETTE
I am a very happy person. BOBBY Stop it! This is not about hurting them, it's about what you did last night? And the night before? ALEX So I go out! Big deal. I'm not so uptight that I need to stay home every night and watch some fucking moron redecorate a house on a budget. I don't make up a bunch of rules that I have to live by! I live my life the way I want. BOBBY (BEAT) We had such hopes. ALEX You did. BOBBY We both did. What went wrong? ALEX I don't know Bobby, what do you think? The lighting shifts and we're in the past. BOBBY and ALEX are in their mid 20s. BOBBY I think I've fallen in love. ALEX You think? Or you have? BOBBY Since I've never been in love before, I'm not really sure. ALEX Bobby Dean, do you have a boner? (HE GRABS BOBBY'S BALLS.) BOBBY Stop. ALEX What's his name? BOBBY I ... I shouldn't say. ALEX Do I know him? BOBBY Sort of. ALEX Who is it? BOBBY We're friends. Maybe we're more than friends, I think we are, but I'm not sure. ALEX You're blushing. BOBBY It's nice. ALEX I'm happy for you. And a little jealous. BOBBY Don't be. ALEX Not in a Dynasty sort of way, just a smidge. I don't want to share you. BOBBY You don't have to. ALEX Every little boy has to grow up to become a beautiful man. And that's what you are -- a beautiful man. BOBBY You are, too. ALEX (BEAT) I have my days. So who is he? Who's this love of your life? BOBBY kisses ALEX on the lips. BOBBY You are. The love of my life.
ALEX
Wow. Since when? BOBBY It doesn't have a starting date. It's always been. Call it the magic of the rainbow moon. ALEX We're friends, Bobby, let's not ruin that. BOBBY We're going to build upon it. ALEX Until the day we break up because I cheated on you or ... you don't want to move out of the city. I want you in my life forever. BOBBY So do I. We can make it work. And we'll never know unless we try. ALEX How I love that smile. (BEAT) Bobby, I am flattered, I really am. But I'm not worth ... you. BOBBY That's ridiculous. ALEX The good part of my life starts and ends with you. BOBBY It's the same with me. ALEX No it isn't. Look at yourself. College has helped you grow into this beautiful man. You need to keep growing, you need to wander. BOBBY Wander with me. ALEX No. I'll only keep you down. But wherever you go, I'll always be watching. BOBBY You're turning me down, aren't you? ALEX Oh, sweetie. Yeah, I am. BOBBY Really? You're really turning me down. ALEX nods. BOBBY (PAUSE) Can I have a goodbye kiss? ALEX How about a hello kiss? They kiss tenderly. ALEX (CONT'D) Isn't that better? BOBBY (BEAT, THEN LAUGHING) No. They embrace. It's obvious ALEX isn't convinced that this is the right thing to do. BOBBY (CONT'D) Just so you know, I don't feel any different. ALEX Neither do I. BOBBY So what do we do now? The lights shift and we're back to the present. ALEX I don't know Bobby, what do we do? BOBBY I'm moving. JOETTE Yes! ALEX No. JOETTE Come over tonight and get the rest of your things tomorrow. BOBBY I'm not moving in with you, Joette. I'm just moving. JOETTE What do you mean? ALEX You're not moving out! Tomorrow you'll realize how idiotic this whole thing is and we'll put it behind us. BOBBY No ... I've already put too much behind me. I'm moving to Seattle.
BOBBY I have to. ALEX You don't have to. BOBBY I can't watch you do ... what you do any longer. And if I'm here I'll be watching you instead of watching me. JOETTE Did you spin the globe and land on Seattle? How fucking impulsive can you be? BOBBY I got a job offer. And I'm taking it. ALEX You can't. Look I'll try ... I'll cut back, I swear. BOBBY I hope you do. LYNDON What job? BOBBY I'm going to manage a non-profit theatre. JOETTE You're a buyer for Bloomingdale's. What the hell do you know about managing a theatre? BOBBY Management is management. And I double-majored in theatre. CHARLIE That sounds exciting. JOETTE It sounds irresponsible. ALEX And unnecessary. Don't go. LYNDON How'd you ever find out about it? BOBBY The artistic director is the boyfriend of some guy I met at a work thing. He needs a managing director, we hit it off, and he hired me. You know how these things work. JOETTE No, I don't, Bobby. I don't know how these things work. But I'm just the stupid fag hag who tries to establish roots and form friendships. I'm not the frivolous gay boy who gets to go play on stage in Seattle. BOBBY I have to go. ALEX Will you stop saying that! JOETTE You want to go. You want to leave us. BOBBY There is no us!
JOETTE
I know that. I was talking about all of us. ALEX Bobby ... Bobby, you're not going to Seattle. BOBBY I've gotten lost too, Alex. Somewhere along the way I got lost and convinced myself that this is the life I should be leading. Just like you've done. But it's not. And I'm tired of dodging the balls. I always wanted to be still. CHARLIE But Seattle? Can't you be still in Secaucus? BOBBY It's a little farther away than I imagined, but what am I leaving behind? Really? JOETTE Well, thank you very much! BOBBY I knew you wouldn't be able to understand. ALEX I don't understand, either! Why the hell did you plan this... intervention ... if you weren't going to stay around to clean up the mess? BOBBY I wasn't sure I was going to accept the offer. But nothing's going to change. I can't fix you anymore. I've tried very hard, but you won't let me. (PAUSE) You should all go now. LYNDON, JOETTE, and CHARLIE start to go, but stop when ALEX starts to talk. ALEX (BEAT) You look in the mirror and you smile, Bobby. You smile that beautiful smile. You snuggle into one side of your queen size bed every night and you sleep ... peacefully. It doesn't happen for me. BOBBY It could. ALEX Bobby, I'm not that brave little boy in gym class. That little boy is dead. BOBBY I can still see him. ALEX You have such beautiful eyes. Because you don't use them. BOBBY I see what you used to be ... what we used to be. ALEX People change and people die. (BEAT) Charlie knows that every time he swallows a pill. CHARLIE And what goes through your mind each time you swallow a pill? ALEX My mirror is going to smile back at me. And my mind is going to forget what I really am. BOBBY Why? You have everything. ALEX Use your eyes! LYNDON He's right, Alex. People would kill for your potential. ALEX Why'd you have to bring them? Why couldn't you just talk to me? BOBBY Because you're not you anymore! You're this ... impression of Alex. The only conversations we have now are about fucking or drugs or fucking with drugs ... Maybe this was a mistake, maybe I shouldn't have dragged these people into our business, but I did. ALEX My business! It's my business. BOBBY Yes, your business. And your life. ALEX That's right, it's my life! I get up, I go to my dead-end job, I go to a bar, I get drunk, I get high, I fuck a bartender, sometimes a bartender fucks me, and I get up the next day to do it all over again because unlike all of you I don't expect the next day to be different from the one before. BOBBY But it could be. ALEX Bullshit! Everybody hopes their life will change ... they'll bump into their soulmate ... or discover a miracle cure! I know nothing changes so I don't waste my time looking for it. You all want to save me, but what's there to save? I've never had a boyfriend for more than a few months at a stretch. I suck at my job. My family hates me because I'm not going to produce a fucking grandchild! BOBBY That's not true ... ALEX goes to BOBBY and holds his face in both his hands. He is tender, but desperate. From this point on, ALEX does not move from where he is standing. He is cemented to the floor just like BOBBY was in the opening. ALEX I am not you, Bobby. Maybe once upon a long time ago, but I'm just a fuck-up whose only link to anything good is about to leave ... (ALEX BEGINS TO CRY.) Please Bobby ... don't leave me. SFX: Phone rings LYNDON picks it up on the third ring. LYNDON Hello. Once again BETTINA appears. She is much more drunk than she was before and is slurring her words. BETTINA Hello!! Put me on speaker, I wanna speak to Alex! LYNDON puts the phone on speaker. BETTINA (CONT'D) Alexxxxx! Alex, you there? ALEX Yes. BETTINA Didja like my gift? ALEX It was perfect. Thank you. BETTINA Yea!!! Bettina always comes through for her bestest, bestest friend in the whole wide world. Did you make plans to fuck him again? Please say you're gonna fuck him again.
ALEX
I'm gonna fuck him again. BETTINA Yeah! Plan it for when I'm back. I can watch. I love getting me some man on man action. So where is everybody? It's quiet. BOBBY We're all here. LYNDON We've just shooshed in your honor. BETTINA Oh, you ... faggotty charmer, you. So, Alex, where are you going tonight? Can you get me more coke from that friend of yours, the spic? My stash at home is almost empty and these friggin' terrorists have made it so fuckin hard for a stewardess to smuggle a happy meal overseas. It's not right, I tell ya! ALEX I'll do what I can. BOBBY Well, you have fun, Bettina. We have to start on part two of our evening. BETTINA I wish I could be there. But I'm trapped in fucking Sweden. CHARLIE I thought you said you were in Norway? BETTINA Sweden, Norway, what's the difference? It's the middle of the night and the sun is shining. I'm in Scandifuckinavia! I'm gonna go now and hook up with Teri or one of the girls or a group of guys. Mama's not choosy. ALEX Bettina ... BETTINA Yeah? ALEX Be careful. BETTINA Oh, fuck! You sound like my mother. I'll have to start calling you stupid cow, too! (HER LAUGHTER TURNS INTO COUGHING.) BOBBY Bye, Bettina. BOBBY hangs up the phone. Lights fade on BETTINA as she continues to cough. ALEX Go. Get out of here. LYNDON Will you be alright? BOBBY We'll be fine. ALEX He was asking you. LYNDON I was asking both of you. (BEAT) I know where you can get the world's smallest umbrella. You can carry it with you all the time in Seattle. BOBBY Thanks. You'll watch out for him? LYNDON From a safe distance. ALEX I don't need a flaming queen up my ass. LYNDON That's what all the boys say. At first. I'll call you tomorrow. LYNDON and BOBBY hug and kiss. LYNDON exits. CHARLIE Good luck, Bobby. (THEY HUG.) I'll talk to you before you go, of course. Alex, if it's an emergency, call me. Otherwise ... good luck to you, too. CHARLIE exits. JOETTE I have nothing clever, witty, pithy or kind to say. BOBBY Heartfelt is always good. JOETTE (BEAT) I do have a lot of frequent flyer miles, you know. BOBBY You'll have to use them. JOETTE hesitates then kisses BOBBY quickly on the cheek and leaves. BOBBY is unsure what to do with himself now that he and ALEX are alone. ALEX (BEAT) I admitted it. BOBBY Good. That's good. ALEX You won't change your mind? BOBBY No. ALEX Can I visit? BOBBY Of course. BOBBY opens his bedroom door, but ALEX can't move. ALEX Hey you? BOBBY Yeah. ALEX What's your name? BOBBY Bobby Dean. ALEX I'm Alex. From now on Bobby Dean ... will you be my friend?
BOBBY
Sure. BLACKOUT THE END All Pages: See the entire play on one page Table of Contents: syzygy
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