Lodestar Quarterly

Issue 8 • Winter 2003 • Drama

Meaningless

Peter Sinn Nachtrieb

The Early Years

LINDA walks on, wiping some wheat grass from her lips.

LINDA
I think I can help answer that and, frankly, isn't that why we're all here? This is the story how Ted became so horrible. Off the stage, Ted.

TED leaves. These are tableaus formed quickly by the other actors. A baby doll in a high chair with a bizarre expression on his face, and a slightly faggy baby outfit, and the crown of a queen slides on.

LINDA
This is Ted as a little baby. Awwww. Note the slightly faggy outfit he's wearing. Note that his mother didn't buy the King's crown.

TED in the foreground trying to stuff a huge piece of cake in this mouth. TED's pinkie is slightly raised.

LINDA
Here's Ted at his fourth birthday party. Notice how Ted has cake at his party, but no friends. Notice Ted's pinkie.

TED holding a paint set, looking a bit too excited.

LINDA
Here's Ted at ten with a brand new set of paints he just received from his parents. They thought about getting him a baseball, but something about the way he threw made them think, "What about paints?"

TED between two sign-up sheets.

LINDA
Here, a 15-year-old Ted chooses to audition for Sweet Charity as opposed to being on the rugby team. It was a very difficult decision.

TED stands as someone else puts some fake acne on his cheek or forehead.

LINDA
This is Ted with acne.

A large photo of an acne-laden profile appears.

LINDA
This is a close-up of Ted's acne.

TED reads Camus.

LINDA
Here's a basic summary of the rest of Ted's high school career, on Accutane, highly depressed because of the effects of his medication.

TED touching crotch, cute boy in foreground reading Camus.

LINDA
At age 17, Ted has just realized that he might be gay.

TED looks slightly vacant at high school girl Darla Macphereson. Darla is bracey and excited.

LINDA
Five minutes later, he decides he better ask Darla Macphereson out to the prom. Here we have Ted asking Darla to the prom while simultaneously having a vivid, erotic fantasy involving the Corys.

Not sure what TED's doing for this next one.

LINDA
And finally here, Ted has resolutely decided to not to write and develop a solo performance about coming out of the closet.

JAN and TED pose wearing mortarboards, as though they are posing at a graduation party. JAN is pronounced "Yawn," so it sounds European.

LINDA
This is Ted's first boyfriend, Jan. That's right, Jan. Jan and Ted date for the last two years of college. And then, on the night of graduation...

TED and JAN pop out of their pose and join LINDA. They all hold drinks.

TED
Whooooooo!

JAN
Class of Ninety Eight!

They all kinda whoop and yelp drunkenly.

TED
Oh, man! It's so weird we're graduating. You know, I'm going to miss political correctness.

LINDA
I'm going to miss our CHLAMYDIA meetings. Especially the ones where we'd sit in a circle eating pizza and shout gay slurs at the top of our lungs so that the words would lose their hurt.

JAN
Queer! Fag! Dyke! Ass Pony!

LINDA
Ass Pony?

JAN
Perhaps that was just in New Hampshire.

TED
That's a good one.

LINDA
My friends, we must reclaim the hurtful epithet "Ass Pony" for all gay people. Never again can "Ass Pony" be used to hurt us! 1, 2, 3!

ALL THREE
Ass Pony! Ass Pony! Ass Pony!

KETEL ONE, whom we'll meet much later, walks by, gives them a weird look, walks off.

LINDA
Oh, man. My stomach is starting to turn a little bit. Ohhh. This always happens when I drink vodka.

TED
Breathe, Linda, breathe.

LINDA
That's it. I'm switching to gin. I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere, ass ponies.

She stumbles off.

TED
You're still wearing your mortarboard.

JAN
So are you.

TED
I'm maximizing the time I get to proudly stare at my tassel. I am feeling so good right now.

JAN
Yeah, I'm feeling pretty awesome too.

TED
And it's so great to be here with you. My favorite Jan. The Janster. Obi Jan Kenobi. Cray Jan. Is that a Jan of quarters in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

JAN
That makes no sense.

TED
I'm drunk. My pun ability is severely skewed. Oh God, I love you. You have made the last two years so incredible. You're incredible. I yearn for you, Jan. My Yoni for Jan. My little Cajun Shrimp 'n On Jan.

TED
And now, we're out of this school. No more papers. No more exams. No more petitions. No more!

JAN
Yep. It's all over. Speaking of which...

TED
A new beginning. Fresh life, the world yawns open, ready to take us into its throat. You and me.

JAN
Actually...

TED
Together in some exciting city: living, loving, cooking each other really elaborate meals with bizarre spices we can only get from our corner Asian market. Where shall we go Jan? New York? L.A.? Topeka?

JAN
Um, Ted.

TED
We could even have the same job. Apparently, a lot of the companies these days give out unlimited free fruit smoothies. And we could each get a different kind and share them. "Oh, look at that: Ted and Jan sharing their smoothies with each other. Such a testament to love! God damn it, Do ask, Do Tell, Do Tell Corporal!"

JAN
I want to break up.

TED
We could buy chaps and go to pride parades as leather daddies and we'll spank each other for the Hispanic news reporters...Excuse me, Jan, did you just say something really devastating?

JAN
I don't want to go out with you anymore.

TED
What?

JAN
I really enjoyed being your boyfriend and all, and it was great here at college, but now that we're graduating, I think we should move on.

TED
Does...does this have something to do with wanting to live out your squash team fantasy?

JAN
It has to do with really having enjoyed what happened in the past, like really appreciating what we had, but now I'm ready for something different. Something apart from you. Like on the other coast from you. Like whatever coast you decide to live on, I'm going to consciously live on the other one.

TED
Are..Are you not attracted to me anymore? Did I get puffy?

JAN
No, that's not it.

TED
Is there someone else? Oh my god! You've been engaging in illicit pleasure with your embryology lab partner!

JAN
I haven't cheated on you.

TED
Then what the hell is it, Jan? What's the fucking reason you just want to throw in the towel and end it now? I thought we had something here, that there was something really really...

JAN
I'm straight.

pause

TED
Pardon?

JAN
Well, at least straight/bi-ish. I'm much more attracted to women than I am to you. I mean all men. I'm more attracted to women then men.

TED
Como?

JAN
I don't know. I got to school here, and it's like so hard to be a straight, white male in college. You're so totally blamed for everything. But if I was gay, you know, I couldn't be scapegoated for date rape or anything like that. Plus, I think being in all those musicals really got me confused about myself. I was like, "All the other Jets are gay, I must be, too." And you were so nice to me during the rehearsals for Annie, and your Miss Hannigan was so incredible, and it was really nice to go out with you and you give really great... well, never mind. But, now that school's over, I really need to date some chicks now. Women. I need to date women, have babies, and just be all heterosexual. It's who I am.

TED
Quoi?

JAN
I don't speak French, Ted. You know that.

TED
The language of grief is universal.

JAN
I'm sorry, Ted. I...

pause

Shit. I have to get going. My parents. I have to fly home with them early this morning, so we can get ready for Nantucket. So. Yeah. Well, I hope we can stay in touch. And let me know which coast you're gonna live on, so I can, you know, live on the other one. OK. Goodbye.

He leans in to kiss TED, but at some point before kissing him, decides against it and awkwardly leaves. TED stares after him. LINDA re-enters.

LINDA
Ted! I think I just met the love of my life at the punch bowl. She was spiking it, and I was like "what are you spiking it with?" and she said "Ketel One," and I said, "Ohmigod, I love Ketel One! Ketel One is my favorite vodka!" And she laughed at that, and she smiled and my god, Ted, we like the same vodka! Do you realize how many premium brands of vodka there are, and we both love the same one. She's beautiful. We couldn't stop talking. She's moving to San Francisco. Hey, do you want to move to San Francisco? I could date her. Hey, we could be roommates! That would be so rad. Let's do it! What do you think?

TED
I think I'm going to go live in a cardboard box for the rest of my life.

TED wanders off in a daze.

LINDA
What? What are you talking about? Oh Ted, that's so silly. Ted?

LINDA talks to the audience.

I didn't figure out what had just happened until I saw Jan later that night at Hooter's. The next day I headed to Ted's off-campus housing.

A bunch of cardboard boxes, strewn about.

LINDA
Ted? Linda's here to soothe your fractured heart. Ted!

She searches for a bit. She stares absently at a box larger than the others. A faint noise comes from the box.

LINDA
Ted?

TED
(from inside the box) Life is meaningless.

LINDA
Oh, Ted.

TED
The future is meaningless. Graduation, Hopes, Air. It's all just... I need to take a nap.

LINDA
Ted.

TED
A nice long nap for 51 years. Hey, Linda, you could feed me in this box. I could cut a slit at the top and you could feed me thin things. Like crackers, or deli ham, or unrolled fruit rollups. I could make a little straw hole too for juice.

LINDA
Ted, come out of the box.

TED
I think it's all right in here. I still haven't figured out what to do if I need to pee again. My pants are soaked.

LINDA
That's disgusting.

TED
I don't want to drown in my pee. Ooo! A catheter. Linda could you get me a catheter so my immense depression can be hygienic?

LINDA
Ted, get out of the fucking box.

TED
(sings) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.

LINDA
Ted if you don't stop singing and get out of the box I am pulling the lid off and dragging your ass out.

TED
(sings) Nobody knows, but me.

LINDA
All right that's it. I'm goin' in.

She yanks off the lid and pulls out a somewhat limp and still a little drunk TED.

TED
No! No, papa, no! Don't put me on the train, papa! I want to stay with you and Penelope here in Lisboa, its so wonderful. Don't send me back to mother! She beats me. Noooo... There's no place like Portugal. No place like Lisboa.

LINDA
What movie are you quoting?

TED
I don't know, my brain isn't functioning properly, my life isn't functioning properly. My penis will never get hard again!

LINDA
You're still drunk.

TED
You know, Linda, Jan was the first person who showed me how sensitive the male nipple is. I had no idea... (starts to cry) No idea how much pleasure can come from a nipple! Why! Why must the nipple master leave me? Why must he hate me? (he cries more)

LINDA
Ew. You smell horrible.

TED
It's just my rotting soul, Linda. My eviscerated, rotting soul lying out on the granite to be pecked on by lots of little cute birdies. Ahhhhh! Get away you finches! Can't you see my body is poison? I am the rotting poison of human waste. Don't eat me you finches, fly away. Fly away to some island and speciate. Speciate and evolve new types of beaks and wing types that later will be discovered by a young traveling naturist. Yeah, biology major. I'm a fucking biology major. Class of 199whoooooooooo!

TED passes out. LINDA turns to the audience.

LINDA
OK. The major lesson to learn from this is that Ted is a bit of a drama queen.

TED
I am not!

LINDA
Ted, you're unconscious.

TED
Oh.

TED passes out again.

LINDA
I dragged Ted to the bathroom, threw him in the shower, and turned on the cold water.

Crossfade into a bathroom scene.

TED
Ahhhh! Ahhhhh! Cold!

TED notices LINDA taking a glance.

TED
Oh, Linda, it's because the water's cold. Don't make assumptions because my thing is really sensitive to temperature.

LINDA
I'm not even looking at that, Ted. I don't want to look at that, Ted.

TED
No, it's OK. You can look at it if you want. I'm just saying all bets are off when you're not aroused. It's not a reliable indicator.

pause

But, tell me honestly, how do you think mine stands up?

LINDA
New subject!

TED
OK, Linda. That's a good idea: Jan. Straight! He was such a nice boy. How does that happen?

LINDA
Corrupt culture. Bad upbringing. Christian fundamentalist parents.

TED
No. Not that. I'm wondering how someone cuts off his emotions that cleanly and quickly. He dumped me in less than 48 seconds and took off, no loose ends.

LINDA
Men.

TED
I feel like a starfish, clinging to a rock when some tidepooler rips me off, and half of my tubular feet are still stuck to the rock, and the life drains from my pores.

LINDA
Ted, biology metaphors for love just don't do poetic justice.

TED
Au contraire, Linda. I find echinoderms to be really moving metaphors for life.

LINDA
That makes one of you. Here's a towel.

LINDA
Are you feeling any better?

TED
No.

LINDA
Great.

TED
But thank you for trying. It's nice you're here.

LINDA
Well, what do friends do for each other?

TED
You're my only friend.

LINDA
Please.

TED
Seriously!

LINDA
We just know how to deal with each other's shit. And, God, you've helped me through so much.

TED
True. Though, I probably wouldn't have if you'd told me beforehand that your parents would bring hand weapons to your Olive Garden "coming out" dinner.

LINDA
Let's not bring that up. It's too beautiful a day to bring that up.

TED
Too beautiful... Did you score last night?

LINDA
Yeah.

TED
Oh, I knew it! With premium vodka lady?

LINDA
Yeah. I know you don't want to hear this right now, but I think I'm in love. Do you want to move to San Francisco? She's moving there. I think I'm going to move there. I'd really like it if you moved there.

TED
You know. I really need to move somewhere where I can just figure my shit out. Goof around, do nothing important or significant in my life. Maybe even find a high-paying job building virtual products that will never turn a profit because of shockingly horrendous business models.

LINDA
So, San Francisco it is.

TED
Yeah, sure. As good a place as any to be miserable. At least there I can tell people that, no, those are not tears on my face. It's fog.

Pause.

Next Page:   Act , Dot of the Revolution   (page 4 of 8 pages)

All Pages:   See the entire play on one page

Table of Contents:   Meaningless

Peter Nachtrieb is a San Francisco Bay Area-based playwright, actor, and director. His solo show The Amorphous Blob, which he wrote and performed, was seen at San Francisco's Venue 9 in 1997 and at the Seattle Fringe Festival in 1998. His short play, Self Help, received the 2000 Emerging Playwright Award from Playground Theater Company in San Francisco. He is a frequent sketch comedy writer for the very popular San Francisco performance group Killing My Lobster. He has written two one-act plays, Thread and Multiplex. Meaningless his first full-length play.

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