Lodestar Quarterly

Lodestar Quarterly
Figure reaching for a star Issue 15 • Fall 2005 • Poetry


Emanuel Xavier

Nothing is too difficult to consider for poetry
too hard to share with an audience hungry for revelation
The colors of memories are never too bright for white pages

The first time he touched me
leaving me a lifetime of anger
the many beds I slept on
coffins to rest in peacefully
from the torture of my conscience
before getting up to shower off the blood

Unable to recreate the destruction left behind
the pain I felt as he entered
times I prayed for someone to stop him
how it feels when friends tell me to get over it
or why I've had trouble settling down

This is the darkness I become
when I remember all those I never welcomed
Convinced few could ever understand
But sometimes men are able to find the little boy
huddled on a rooftop staring at the stars
Some men are able to forgive the small child that picks up a toy
and walks out of the store without paying
Men unafraid to fill the vacant spaces of an unknown father

There are some things that are not universal
prostitution and drug use
the brutal moments of children watching their mothers beaten
nights spent on the streets praying for silence
mornings lost wondering when life would begin
bright beautiful days when the breeze caresses an abused body
and sincere smiles aware of survival

De La Vega says, "Become Your Dream"
So I write to silence the nightmares
hoping just one person knows who I am and who I was
When I whisper my last goodbyes on the final line of an untitled poem

Emanuel Xavier

Emanuel Xavier is the author of poetry collections Pier Queen and Americano and the novel Christlike, and he is the editor of Bullets & Butterflies: queer spoken word poetry. He is also the founder of the House of Xavier and creator of the annual Glam Slam competition. He has appeared on television as a host of In The Life, on Russell Simmons presents Def Poetry, and he has co-starred in the feature film The Ski Trip. He is a recipient of the Marsha A. Gomez Cultural Heritage Award and a New York City Council citation. Visit emanuelxavier.com for more.

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