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Issue 19 • Fall 2006 • Featured Writer • Drama
syzygyMichael GriffoScene 5JOETTE CAPPELETTI, 39, and BOBBY are in his apartment. JOETTE is Italian, chunky, opinionated, intelligent, and trying hard not to be a bitter New Yorker. BOBBY is nervous and pacing. JOETTE is sitting and nibbling a peppermint pattie. JOETTE I am not a sissy! I'm savvy. Alex won't be cooperative. BOBBY He can be objective. JOETTE Alex can be vindictive, dismissive, corrosive ... depending on the drug du jour, of course. BOBBY Don't be nasty. JOETTE You're the one who complains about Alex's quest for revenge, his natural tendency toward rage, his unnatural commitment to swipe back at those who've done him wrong? BOBBY You make him sound like Tammy Wynette stuck in a Greek tragedy. He's not that unreasonable. JOETTE But he's not good with strangers, y'all. BOBBY Sure he is. JOETTE Remember the Wal-Mart incident? BOBBY That was different.
JOETTE Remember ... the ... Wal-Mart ... incident! BOBBY That wasn't entirely his fault and you know it. JOETTE The woman had a seeing-eye dog, for Christ's sakes! BOBBY Who got turned on by Alex's cologne. JOETTE And to get even, Alex led the woman to the toy section and switched her dog with a stuffed giraffe. (STARTING TO LAUGH.) I can still hear that poor blind woman's screams. "My dog! Dear God, something's wrong with his neck!" (TRYING TO BE SERIOUS, BUT STILL LAUGHING.) It was reprehensible. BOBBY You know it was funny. JOETTE He shows no kindness to strangers. BOBBY This stranger won't be kind. He'll be tough, and with him on our side we'll be tougher and more effective. JOETTE Bobby, I don't like it. This whole scheme of yours is risky to begin with. BOBBY It's not a scheme. JOETTE Scheme ... party ... dialogue ... whatever euphemism you choose, this "intervention" is a risky endeavor. Have you even done any research on the subject? BOBBY Yes. A little. JOETTE Bobby, interventions are delicate. Do I have permission to speak "gay"? BOBBY nods dramatically. JOETTE (CONT'D) Thank you. Staging an intervention is like baking an emotional soufflé. The end result could be all light and airy like a PAX TV movie, but if you turn the flames up too high, let's just say you could spend the next few years scraping Alex off from the inside of your oven. BOBBY That's why we need a professional in attendance. JOETTE And have you checked out this professional's credentials? BOBBY The Center highly recommends him. JOETTE Sorry, I'm still not convinced. BOBBY Joette, stop being so obstinate. JOETTE As the obligatory straight girl in this fairy tale, someone has to listen to reason. And I wish you would listen to Mister Reason as well, cut your losses and move in with me. I just bought a new futon cover. In orange and pink -- your favorites. BOBBY Maybe ... I have to do something, but first Alex needs my help. JOETTE Need isn't a prerequisite for action. BOBBY You know how I feel about him. JOETTE Yes I do. BOBBY It's ... complicated. JOETTE Not when you examine it. Imagine if you will, that Alex is this Peppermint Pattie. BOBBY Not another hetero homily. JOETTE No, I'm still speaking gay. According to its label the peppermint pattie is a low fat food. It tastes good, and it's good for you. An edible emblem of optimism. Similarly, Alex's exterior is polished, glossy. It looks good; it should be good for you. But delve deeper and you'll see that while the peppermint pattie is only three inches in diameter, it contains 25 grams of sugar. I may not gain a pound, but too much of the pattie and I'll go into irreversible sugar shock. Likewise, upon further inspection, Alex's internal polish is cracked beyond repair, his gloss is actually bile, and extended exposure to his poison can affect one's mental well-being. In summation, being around Alex isn't healthy. BOBBY I know you can get jealous of him ... JOETTE I am not jealous of that tragedy-in-waiting. BOBBY Don't be so self-righteous. You're Alex's friend, too. JOETTE No, I'm not. I don't want to see him face down in the gutter from an overdose. Again. But I am certainly not his friend. BOBBY Well just be here tomorrow night wearing your supportive outfit. It still fits, doesn't it? JOETTE Um, yes it does, Señor Fagabitch. But my support will go unnoticed if you invite a stranger to spout interventionist jargon while Alex tries to celebrate his 37th birthday with a drink in one hand, a pill in the other, and a whore on his third. (BEAT) Why can't his family help? BOBBY They dropped their supportive outfits at the cleaners years ago and never bothered to pick them up. This is the answer. JOETTE Or just another attempt to avoid the inevitable demise of your friendship? BOBBY I wouldn't expect you to understand. JOETTE Don't misinterpret my interpretation of the facts as proof that I don't understand. I know exactly what's going on. BOBBY No, you don't. You don't get it, and I'm glad you don't. It's different for you. JOETTE Not again! BOBBY It's true. JOETTE Do not open your closet and drag out the gay-straight cultural dichotomy. It is a non-issue. BOBBY For you it is. You don't know what it's like. JOETTE Stop the social reactionism. Women were fighting glass ceilings long before gay men decided they'd be a great place to hang fairy lights. Everybody gets disappointed. BOBBY I'm not talking about you as a representative of feminism; I'm talking about you as you. You've set your sights, and you've surpassed them. Despite being home-schooled by a mother who believed the kids on Zoom were disciples of Charles Manson. JOETTE Some people still consider Zoom's approach to teaching multiplication tables a tad controversial. BOBBY You don't know what it's like to look ahead and see ... things you never thought you would have to see. JOETTE What Alex sees ahead of him are the results of the foundation he's laid. Not to mention the thousands of nameless, faceless men he's laid during his lifetime. Just like Mister Manson, he's got a case of fatal narcissism. BOBBY Isms aside, just promise me you'll be here. ALEX enters the room from the SL door. For a moment there is silence as JOETTE stands directly between the two on the same plane. However, she and ALEX don't see each other. JOETTE Bobby Dean, have I ever said no to you before? JOETTE exits through the UC door; she and ALEX never acknowledge each other. ALEX is wearing loose-fitting camouflage pants and a tight t-shirt. He indicates his outfit. ALEX Yes? BOBBY Sure. The lights shift and ALEX and BOBBY sit at the kitchen table as a WAITER enters SR carrying an open bottle of red wine and two glasses. ALEX sits on the SR side of the table and BOBBY is SL. They're now in a restaurant. The WAITER stands between them. He is gay, young, and very sexy. Ignoring BOBBY, the WAITER pours some wine into ALEX's glass. As ALEX takes a sip, the two men stare at each other longingly. ALEX Yummy. WAITER How's the wine? ALEX smiles even more lasciviously as the WAITER refills his glass and puts the bottle on the table. WAITER (CONT'D) I'll be back for your order. The WAITER exits SR. BOBBY (PAUSE) I'll pour my own wine, thank you very much! ALEX He is hot. BOBBY And a brilliant sommelier. ALEX He's a waiter in Chelsea. All he has to do is flirt and wear lycra. BOBBY And be able to fill a glass with wine. ALEX Oh, fill your own glass. You're such a mess. BOBBY (PAUSE) I'm a mess?! ALEX Can our annual pre-birthday just-you-and-me dinner be enjoyable this year? BOBBY Sorry. ALEX Take some of this. BOBBY What? ALEX Tina. (A LA GRETA GARBO.) She vants to be your friend. BOBBY Put that away! Do you want to spend your birthday in jail? ALEX Well ... (HE GRINS) C'mon, look where we are ... Tina's on the menu. BOBBY Can't you ... (BEAT) Oh, just forget it. ALEX Can't I what? BOBBY Get through a meal without ... ALEX I like my appetizers. Now shut up and tell me about my birthday surprise. BOBBY It's a secret. ALEX Oh fess up! It's my party and I want to know what the surprise is all about. BOBBY No. You'll just have to wait and be ... surprised. ALEX (BEAT) It's a sex party! BOBBY No. ALEX Yes it is! Let's invite the waiter. BOBBY It is not a sex party. ALEX I don't believe you. BOBBY Joette's coming. ALEX Every sex party needs a virgin sacrifice. BOBBY Shut up! ALEX Give me a hint. Is it a theme party? BOBBY Sort of. ALEX Is it going to be visually distracting? You do love clutter. BOBBY No. And Country Chic has a certain element of disarray. ALEX It's called clutter and you love it. So as you decorate for my party remember that the crystal can put me into sensory overload. BOBBY Enough with the crystal! (BEAT) Alex, you've really gotten out of hand. ALEX Stop nagging me or I'll leave. BOBBY I'm just suggesting that you ... take responsibility. The WAITER enters SR. ALEX The only thing I want to take is our waiter's dick up my ass. WAITER Someone need me? ALEX You see, a good waiter always knows how to please his customer. WAITER And vice versa. (HE NODS TO THE CRYSTAL.) Wanna share? ALEX Sure, have some. ALEX gives the WAITER the pack of crystal. WAITER Thanks. Have some more wine. The WAITER refills ALEX's wine glass, but once again forgets about BOBBY. WAITER (CONT'D) Be right back for your order. BOBBY I have a question about the scampi! The WAITER starts to exit SL as CHARLIE DELANCEY, 36, and LYNDON enter from the SL door. They don't acknowledge each other as the WAITER exits through the same door and leaves it ajar. CHARLIE isn't great looking, but wears expensive clothes and glasses and has a trendy haircut in order to blend in with all the other gay men in Chelsea. He is carrying a box filled with liquor bottles. He places it on the floor as LYNDON picks up the phone and dials a number. ALEX I have to pee. ALEX crosses to the SL door, but doesn't acknowledge LYNDON or CHARLIE. They are not in the same space. BOBBY's cellphone rings just as ALEX exits through the SL door. BOBBY Hello.
LYNDON
Can you talk? BOBBY Hurry, Alex is in the bathroom. LYNDON puts the phone on speaker. LYNDON We're here. CHARLIE Hi, Bobby! BOBBY Hey, Charlie. I really appreciate this. CHARLIE Just call me Charlie Angel. BOBBY Just take the stuff and leave. LYNDON We got the box from Alex's room. Other than the obvious places, where else does he keep his stash?
CHARLIE
Found the scotch! LYNDON (TO CHARLIE) The scotch is mine. CHARLIE Why do you get the scotch? LYNDON Because you don't appreciate (WITH A FRENCH ACCENT) liqueur. CHARLIE I have been to AA. LYNDON Because you're hungry for applause. BOBBY What's going on? LYNDON Charlie's an alcoholic again. CHARLIE Lyndon! You came with me to several AA meetings after my sero-status converted to help curtail my binging. That's where we met Kathie Lee's first publicist. LYNDON And if you had more respect for alcohol you would have become a full-fledged alcoholic. Instead, you insist on adding fruit and other inedible accessories to everything you drink. CHARLIE For jazz, baby. LYNDON Scotch doesn't need jazz, baby, unless it's lost in an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel. BOBBY Hey, Lyndon, I have an idea. Why don't you make believe you and Charlie are still dating and your controlled rage doesn't make an appearance until the weekend? LYNDON I apologize. This situation has me somewhat tense, and as usual Charles has become my emotional whipping boy.
CHARLIE
I understand, Master. LYNDON It's just ... I feel like I have the sphincter of Harrison Ford, I'm tight as a drum. BOBBY Can we focus on how much good we're going to do for Alex? Plus the fact that you guys get some free booze. CHARLIE You know, Lyndon, maybe you should take it all? LYNDON Why? CHARLIE With the HIV, a drink now and again is acceptable, but a liquor cabinet. No, you take it. BOBBY You don't have to drink it, Charlie, just keep it away from Alex. CHARLIE But temptation ... even temporary ... no, I don't want to start drinking heavily again like I did after I tested positive. LYNDON You had two raspberry wine coolers. (PAUSE) And a fruit basket. Will you ever stop playing the HIV card? It's as annoying as Mariah Carey's upper register. CHARLIE Is this another misguided whipping or does my affliction truly offend you? LYNDON Charlie, you're fine. One day your symptoms and side-effects may get worse, and I'll be there for you like I was there for all my friends and ex-lovers who died. But until then, please shut up about it. CHARLIE Out of deference to your history with our community's plague, I will make a concerted effort to be more cautious around you. But I cannot be stifled, Lyndon, I am what I am. LYNDON Save it for the next Jerry Herman revue. (PAUSE) And God knows there'll be another one. BOBBY Okay Mack, Mabel, divvy up the alcohol and go. It has to be out of sight for this to work. CHARLIE Alex really has no idea? BOBBY He thinks it's a regular birthday party ... with some sort of surprise of course. CHARLIE No matter how this turns out, this is a beautiful thing you're doing. Alex needs help and you're the only person in the world he'll listen to. BOBBY You really think he will? CHARLIE I wouldn't be participating if I didn't think so.
LYNDON
Oh, please. CHARLIE Does the Bitch fairy have something she'd like to share with the rest of the class? LYNDON (PAUSE) You're so obvious, Charlie. CHARLIE Obvious? BOBBY Guys don't fight. LYNDON You're participating because Alex and his proclivities make you feel a teensy bit superior. CHARLIE And if it makes you feel superior to whip me with words, then so be it. LYNDON It's the truth. Part of you would love to see Bobby fail. BOBBY Stop it! CHARLIE And what percentage of you would love to see him succeed? BOBBY Hey! I thought we were all on the same side? LYNDON You know I have my doubts. Do we really have the right to confront and question him? BOBBY We've all fucked up ... at one time or another. LYNDON Exactly. So who are we to point a finger? BOBBY We're giving Alex his life back. LYNDON If he wants it back after it's gone through the rinse cycle. CHARLIE Don't listen to Negativa, this will work. CHARLIE EXITS UC. ALEX enters from the SL door and heads back to the table. When he crosses past LYNDON they don't acknowledge each other. LYNDON And if it doesn't, remember there's a world for you outside of Alex. BOBBY Alex's back. I'll talk to you later. LYNDON presses a button on the phone and exits the apartment as ALEX sits at the table. ALEX Who was that? BOBBY My mother. She says Happy Birthday. The WAITER enters from the SL door and heads over to the table. ALEX Now my ass is aquiver. BOBBY Oh, shut up with that. What the hell happened to you in there? WAITER Are you ready to order? ALEX points to the WAITER's crotch. ALEX XYZ. The WAITER notices his fly is open and zips up his pants. WAITER Thanks. ALEX I'll have the penne vodka with chicken. That's a creamy sauce, right? WAITER Very. (HE STARTS TO LEAVE, THEN TURNS BACK.) Oh, and you? BOBBY Does it even matter? WAITER I have other tables, you know. BOBBY (PAUSE) I'll have the same. The WAITER exits SL. BOBBY (CONT'D) You fucked the waiter. ALEX Actually the waiter fucked me. I'm in a very bottom place this month. BOBBY I guess dinner with your friend wasn't enough. ALEX If you weren't so anti-waiter we could've had a three-way. You know how I love to share. BOBBY No thank you. ALEX What's gotten into you? BOBBY You said so yourself. This is our traditional pre-birthday dinner. ALEX So I updated the tradition an inch. Or nine. BOBBY You had sex in the bathroom with ... That ... while you're supposed to be having dinner with me. ALEX What is your point? BOBBY How selfish are you? ALEX I am sure ...That ... will fuck you for dessert. Just give him time to regroup. BOBBY Maybe if you weren't so high you'd see that this is inappropriate. ALEX What's inappropriate is you acting like my boyfriend. BOBBY Don't start with that. ALEX C'mon, you've always wanted a follow-up blow job. Let's go right now, I'll let you blow me one more time and maybe you'll quit annoying the shit out of me. BOBBY Why can't you just ... stop? ALEX Now you sound like your mother. "Stop it, Bobby! Why is this door locked? Oh, my God! Stop doing that!" BOBBY Our one and only sex moment. ALEX Why didn't we ever have another? BOBBY looks directly into ALEX's eyes. It's a serious moment, but then he looks away. ALEX (CONT'D) You can't tell me you haven't thought about a repeat performance. BOBBY (BEAT) No ... I ... ALEX Oh my God, I'm hard just thinking about the possibility. Feel this! BOBBY Stop it! ALEX Close your eyes and get hard with me. BOBBY Alex! ALEX Bobby Dean wants my dick!
BOBBY
I have another memory for you. High school graduation, my backyard. Remember that? ALEX Was there sex involved? BOBBY You know there wasn't. (BEAT) And I know you remember. ALEX Memory Man, stop dwelling on the past. You won't just give in and blow me? BOBBY No. My days of giving in are over. BLACKOUT Next Page: Act , Scene 6 (page 7 of 11 pages) All Pages: See the entire play on one page Table of Contents: syzygy
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